Anyone who has ever had issues with lawyers needs to watch that magnificent segment with Vampire Bill and the attorney. And then they need to slow clap, clap, clap at its last 2 minutes, rewind, and watch it again. Seriously, that was a thing of beauty, and probably especially gratifying for anyone who has been on the wrong end of a lawsuit.
As has become the trend this season, this episode featured a lot of slow, quiet character scenes that orbited around one riveting sequence -- in this case, Bill’s ill-fated attempt to change his will. Overall I thought it was another solid episode for the show, and I found the Bill/Sookie storyline to be poignant in a way that I was not expecting.
Let’s start the dissection with that plotline. As we discovered last episode, Bill has contracted Hep V. He fairly calmly called a lawyer who apparently specializes in vampire end-of-life issues (which is weird, given what we found out about the legality of vampire wills this episode). In the waiting room, which recalled that scene from “Beetlejuice” to me, Bill discovered that his disease was progressing very rapidly -- he experienced the first signs the night before, but as he sat there the telltale veins sprouted up all across his extremities. Could this have something to do with Bill formerly being Billith? Could it have to do with his exposure to Sookie, who frankly is sometimes enough to make anyone sick? Could it simply be a plot device since we have only four episodes left? We will find out!
Jessica overheard Bill’s Hep V admission, and quietly imploded, because she is still a teenager, and she just found out that her father is dying. She made the ethically dubious decision of disclosing Bill’s diagnosis to Jason and Sookie -- next episode, Jessica will tape a PSA about the importance of HIPPA guidelines -- which sparked a pretty brutal realization on Sookie’s part: she is infected with Hep V, and she infected Bill. Remember the scene a few episodes back, before Alcide died (let’s all take a moment to reflect on his bare backside), when Sookie had cut her arms open to draw out the Hep V vamps and then was bathed in their blood when they got shot up by Those Idiot Townspeople? At the time I remember thinking, “Sookie, you need to get yourself to the free clinic stat, because you have ALL the diseases now.” And she has at least one: Hep V. There is something very interesting about a show that has been so steeped in casual sex for its entire run -- I mean, vampire fiction is by and large a stand-in for overt sexuality -- concluding with its three main characters all suffering from what is a very thinly veiled take on a sexually transmitted disease. Were I a member of the Slut-American community (*ahem*), I might feel as though my lifestyle was being judged here.
Jessica’s cry for help also set another plotline into motion. Violet, who overheard Jason and Jessica getting it on last episode, attempted to win Jason back by playing the subservient, nubile girlfriend. We’ve all been there, sister. I can’t blame a girl for using every weapon in her arsenal to keep her grip on Jason Stackhouse, even something as clichéd as rose petals scattered all over the place (that said, there is something unwholesome about rose petals on a Bud Light throw pillow). But Jason Stackhouse allowed his psychotic vampire girlfriend to go down on him basically just after he had slept with another woman. Vampires have heightened senses. They can hear and…taste things. I’m no expert on relationships, but it seems like a VERY BAD IDEA to let a 500-year-old crazy woman with fangs put her mouth anywhere near your junk after you have just intimately introduced it to another lady. I’m just saying.
Anyway, Jessica’s call to Jason prompted Violet to burst out in a rage, and then leave a note for Jason saying they were done. Jason read it and was all, “PIZZA FOR EVERYBODY!” Except it couldn’t possibly be that easy, because Violet is the swap meet, undead version of “Fatal Attraction.” And she has decided to take her vengeance on Jason and Jessica out on Adilyn and Wade -- Holly’s son -- who are totally doing it now, leading to a very nasty fight between Andy and Holly. Arlene fixed things, which, let’s be real: if you are taking marital advice from Arlene Fowler LenierBellefleur, look at your choices. Look at your life. Your months-old teenage fairy daughter humping on the son of your future witch wife is kind of the least of your worries, Andy. The episode ended with Violet tracking down the teen runaways and basically leading them to their deaths, because they are stupid and horny and all three are totally extraneous at this point. At first I questioned why Violet would choose this particular path for vengeance, but Adilyn is important to Jessica and, to a degree, Jason, since she is the daughter of his friend and coworker. I have to show respect to quality vindictiveness when I see it.
Elsewhere, LaFayette and Lettie Mae returned to Lala’s house to find Vampire James waiting for them. After a great eyeroll from Lettie Mae, who knows some lustin’ when she sees it, Lettie Mae quickly convinced James to give her some of his blood so that she could communicate with Tara. James encouraged LaFayette to join in, given the shared psychedelic experiences V can create. Thank you for being a walking plot device, James. But next time have the decency to do so without your shirt. While tripping, LaFayette and Lettie did interact with Tara, who led them on a merry chase to the cross with a snake we saw before, then a weird glimmering portal, and finally the rundown house where she lived with Lettie Mae. There Tara dug up the backyard in her discounted David’s Bridal gown. Before they could find out what she was looking for, Reverend Daniels woke them up just so he could dump Lettie Mae. Way to harsh a buzz, man. But LaFayette now believes that Tara really is trying to communicate with Lettie, and Adina Porter was amazing in those scenes, so it’s all for a good cause. (Bonus: absolutely nobody even mentioned Willa.)
Over on the Sam Merlotte Living Purgatory Hour, Sam continued his miserable existence by being told by his very pregnant girlfriend that she was leaving Bon Temps, and that he’d better come, too. Sam is, you may remember, the MAYOR OF THE TOWN, so there’s a flaw in that plan. Also, he considers Bon Temps his home, and he doesn’t want to leave. Nicole and her unwavering bitchface made it clear that she’s done, period. I might care about this storyline if Nicole had ever made one positive contribution to this program, and if it had anything to do with what else is going on, or if Sam had any nuts left at this point. But his life is truly a steady turd rain, and how do you root for a guy in that situation? Charlie Brown might have kept missing that football, but Sam is basically just kicking at open air, falling down, and getting shot and/or stabbed and emasculated at the same time.
That brings us to the Bill/Pam/Sarah Newlin plot, which finally explained why the Yakuza has been hunting Sarah for episodes. As predicted, the head of the Japanese company that manufactured True Blood wants her dead, on account of her orchestrating the tainting of his company’s No. 1 product, and the related total economic collapse of his company. The ninja gangsters captured Pam and Eric with remarkable ease (bearing in mind that Eric is severely weakened due to the Hep V), and yet somehow let Sarah escape AGAIN despite her being within yards of their goons for the second time in three episodes. After a time-wasting negotiation that basically just served to establish why these people want Sarah dead, Eric and Pam joined forces with their captors.
Sarah, however, had a surprise left for everyone. After breaking into her vampire sister’s home, Sarah explained that she really is a whole new person (vampire sister’s succinct dismissal of Sarah’s “New Me” act was great), and that all of this happened for a reason. Because, you see, she can save her sister. Because Sarah has the cure for Hep V. There was an antidote, and she chugged it before leaving Vampire Death Camp. So she’s now a walking sack of Hep V cure. I’m going to award 10 points to whoever posted on Facebook that that would be the twist, and also predict that in the next two episodes Sarah Newlin will become the world’s largest Capri Sun, as Bill, Eric, and whatever other sick vampires with names drain her dry. Bonus: they won’t even get that burning peroxide aftertaste now that she’s a brunette.