So this is some bullshit.
Hasbro has updated the nearly 50-year-old board game, Clue. The new version, which will come out this fall, will give each of the standard characters -- Mr. Green, Professor Plum, Col. Mustard, Mrs. Peacock, Ms. Scarlet, and Ms. White -- first names and biographies (example: Kasandra Scarlet, a tabloid-bait actress, YUCK). But that's not all. Now, each character will have a "special power" that will help players in their search to find out who killed Mr. Body, with what weapon, in what room of the mysterious Hill House mansion.
You don't mess with Clue! That's like rewriting "Romeo & Juliet" and adding a gay best friend for Juliet to gossip with! Or re-recording Stevie Wonder's "Songs in the Key of Life" with back-up "vocals" by Britney! Or remaking "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory" and taking all of the fun and creepiness out of it! Oh, wait...
Other changes to the game include more rooms (the theater, spa, and guest house), new "intrigue" and "clock" cards that will give additional clues and/or knock players out of the game, and a revamped weapon list, adding dumbbell, poison, and trophy (TROPHY? really?) but nixing lead pipe, revolver, and wrench. What is wrong with these people? Getting rid of the lead pipe and wrench and replacing them with a dumbbell or trophy? Is that some cheesy attempt at seeming hip?
This isn't the first time Hasbro has futzed with the game, as it has previously put out kiddie versions, a Simpsons version (I own it), and the impossible-to-find Master Detective version with a bunch more rooms, weapons, and characters (if anyone can find this anywhere, please, please buy it for me -- my birthday is coming up!). But those sat on the shelves alongside classic Clue. This new version will REPLACE it come fall.
Total bullshit. The classics should be protected. What's next, Monopoly with a rapping Uncle Moneybags? If for no other reason, Clue should remain Classic Clue so it synchs up with the AMAZING movie from the 1980s. Which I can recite line for line. And am proud of. Goddamnit, Hasbro!
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