To parrot Randy, "That was rough, dawg." Yikes. The Top 12 guys took the stage last night and fully half the performances were wretched. The only good news: it should make cutting the 12 down to six pretty easy. The bad news: I suspect some of the better guys won't make it due to this show's cult of personality.

Rudy Cardenas is up first, and for reasons known only to himself, he selects to sing the Edgar Winter Group's "Free Ride." The problem here is, the song requires soul. I'm not sure Rudy comes equipped with that feature. His voice is very much like him: plain, thin, reedy. Also, shouty. It's very karaoke, and there's nothing "star" about the performance at all. Randy calls it "corny." I think that sums it up.

Brandon Rogers performs MJ's "Rock With You." He's holding back. I don't know if he's not used to being the star attraction or what, but he's not blowing me away. I want more. Randy tells him to scale back the melisma, but I'm not sure that's the problem. Looks like a million bucks, though.

Sundance f**king Head is up next, and hilariously sings the cheesy Moody Blues' even cheesier "Nights in White Satin." He's totally better than his atrocious Hollywood performances, but it's still pretty awful. He doesn't connect with the band. He's off-key throughout. The actual performance is amateur night all the way. Also: BORING. At the end Simon pointedly says, "I don't like you tonight." HA! He looks broken. Not coincidentally, Sundance is the current choice at votefortheworst.com. I'm not sure I agree; I'd give it to Rudy. But expect to see Sundance for a while. Dammit.

Paul Kim chooses WHAM!'s "Careless Whisper." In theory it's not a bad match for his smoky voice. In practice, it's both too low (the beginning) and too high (the end) for his slight range. He tries way too hard in the middle of the song and his hand gestures are straight out of a 1992 episode of "Yo! MTV Raps." Embarrassing. Paul also desperately needs to work on that skin. Yikes!

Chris Richardson could also join him in the Pro-Activ club. I bet the stress is getting to him. He's still hella cute, though. Unfortunately, he deigns to sing Gavin DeGraw's "I Don't Want to Be." The disconnect is palpable. Here's a guy who basically sings like Minnie Mouse taking on a "rocker" song. He needs to work on song choice; actually, almost all of these guys do. He should take on poppier songs, as his high, tiny voice just isn't made for songs this big. It comes off as whining rather than an anthem. Randy gives him props for taking liberties with the song, and at least that's true.

Nick Pedro dozes his way through Richard Marx's "I Will Be Your Man." If that is not the most wussified sentence in the history of the English language, I don't know what is. It's fairly serviceable --- super-affected, flat in parts, but he gets better in the middle. It's just dull. Simon says he'll get through because he's a "charming guy." That is a lie. Nick is like the antithesis of charming. He's a cipher.

Blake Lewis takes a stab at one of my favorite songs, Keane's "Somewhere Only We Know." On first pass I thought it was OK. On the playback, not so much. He's got tempo problems, bobbles a couple words, and totally blows the falsetto in the chorus. Still, it ends up better than half the boys. (Damning with feint praise.) In a move that left me cringing, Randy encourages him to work his beatboxing skillz into every song. No, Randy. No. I don't want to be watching Broadway week and have Blake bust out goofy mouth sounds in the middle "Nobody's Gonna Rain on My Parade." (Actually, I take that back; that would be awesome.) I love Blake, but he needs to focus on vocals. His voice is not there yet, but could be if he works on it.

And then, Sanjaya Malakar. Look, I like Sanjaya. He's a sweet kid. But as a performer he is an enigma to me. He comes out singing a Stevie song I'm not familiar with and just kind of throws it out there. I've never seen a more laid back, disconnected performance on the show. It's like he has headphones on and is only half-singing. He's crucified by the judges (Paula's tips: you're 17 and will get better with age. Well, that's useful) but Simon tells him he'll get votes for his hair, which Sanjaya responds to with a perky "Thank you!" and the two trade styling compliments. Hilarious. Like I said, I like Sanjaya. But it behooves us all to realize that he's not a legitimate candidate and is getting through only for the "cute" factor. Think Kevin Covais, but in a '70s Tiger Beat idol way.

Chris Sligh picks a song I've never heard, but he rocks it. Best song selection of the night. He's all kinds of fun and commands the stage. Simon argues that he's not here because of his vocals. That's accurate, as his performance would not be out of place at a high school talent show. But who cares? Many, many other Idols have gotten through on looks alone. So now Chris is getting through on decent vocals and mondo personality. I'll take that. But every time I vote for him, I can't help but feel like I'm voting for Rolf from the Muppets...

Jared Cotter, the first of our "Who?" contestants, sings Brian McKnight's "Back at One." He's flat across the board and mugs unapologetically for the camera. Sings through his nose the whole time. His worst offense: Jared is not as cute as he thinks he is. To his credit he takes the criticism well. And he is surely not the worst of the night (RUDY; SUNDANCE).

I was prepared to totally write off A.J. Tabaldo --- the other "Who?" candidate --- as this year's Bobby Bennett. And yet, he was a hell of a lot of fun. He picks a song I don't know, and there is a lot of swish on the stage. But he has a really good time out there, which is more than any of his other competitors. He actually had a pulse! The vocal wasn't bad, either. Simon calls it "theme park," and that's accurate, but I hope he gets through. He's got a lot working against him but I'd put him in my Top 4 of the night.

Finally, Phil "Nosferatu" Stacy sings Edwin McCain's "I Could Not Ask for More." The beginning is atrocious --- he really cannot start a song to save his life. Once he gets to the chorus he just stars shouting. Randy loves it and calls it the best vocal of the night and NO F'ING WAY!!! I mean, I know loud is the new good. But you have GOT to be kidding me. Blech.

Predictions: Jared, Paul, Nick, Sanjaya and A.J. (boo!) are all in trouble. Jared goes home, along with, oh, let's say Nick or Paul. (Sanjaya will get lots of sympathy votes.)  Rudy should go home, but he won't.