First things first: the Ryan/Simon Gay Panic reached heretofore unseen heights, as Ryan asked Simon for tips on wearing heels, Simon told Ryan to come out of the closet, and Ryan smirked that that will only happen in Simon’s dreams. I can’t make this stuff up, people!

Anyway, the Top 12 were turned over to the amazingly well-preserved hands of Diana Ross, who seriously looks better now than she did five years ago. I don’t know whose babies she’s been sacrificing, but they can take solace in the fact that their offspring translated into some flawless skin. Ross reined in the crazy and actually had some helpful hints for some of our aspiring Idols. Unfortunately, none of the tips were “stop sucking” to the guys, and five out of six were more awful than ever. Onward:

BRANDON FORGOT THE WORDS! To “You Can’t Hurry Love.” Utterly shameful. That’s not the only problem, though. I realized that Brandon’s voice really doesn’t fit this type of song, and in fact doesn’t fit most types of songs. There’s a…milky quality to his voice. It’s like his throat is covered in phlegm or something. That’s the best way I know how to describe it. It works fine for male soul songs, and not much else. Simon called it straight: no star quality. Brandon is totally forgettable, and he’s in danger tonight.

I think maybe Melinda got her hair trimmed, because she appeared to have a little bit of a neck this week. Seriously, girl has an enormous head and teeny little neck. But great rack! She sang “Home” from “The Wiz,” and I’m not a big fan of the song, frankly. Classic Broadway showstopper, but it’s not very melodic. Melinda predictably knocked it out of the park. Paula literally sobbed, and Melinda teared up at the audience’s huge reaction. Simon called her out as a young Gladys Knight, and totally. Fetch me some Pips!

Chris Sligh chose “Endless Love,” and that is a very odd song choice. Even more odd: he turned it into a Coldplay song, with the dripping piano and some major chord changes. I appreciate the impulse to do something different, but seriously, he sang the lyrics to “Endless Love” over the background to “Clocks.” His little “I’m too cool for ‘Idol’’s BS” bit just crossed over into pretense, and this was borderline offensive. He didn’t even sing it that well --- he overdid the power notes, was flat in parts, and failed to convey the emotion of the song AT ALL. Paula actually said something intelligible: he tries too hard to be too hip. Exactly what was wrong with that performance.

Gina picked “Love Child,” which is the most “rock” of Ross’ songs. She looked cute as hell in her tailored jacket. As for the singing, it was pitchy, and the middle lacked energy. Paula called “Love Child” feel good, and that’s not true. Anthem, yes. But not a feel-good ditty. Simon called it a middle-pack performance, and that’s true.

Sanjaya scalped Carrie Bradshaw from Season 4 of “Sex and the City” and he and his tight curls sang “Ain’t No Mountain High Enough.” How did nobody stop this? It was exactly what you’d expect: flat, tiny-voiced, boring. He is so WEAK! He actually started to get better in the middle, but got absorbed into the background by the end. Besides the powerful sucking, I feel like I am watching Sanjaya’s M to F transition before my eyes --- the hair, the earrings, the ever-more-effeminate affections. It’s confronting. Randy was stupefied by the performance, and that’s the only appropriate reaction.

Haley sang “Missing You,” and not only did she biff the lyrics (she really is Melissa McGhee, isn’t she?) but the song swallowed her whole. And it’s a quiet song! Jesus, Haley. Flat voice. Embarrassing dancing. Just bad all around. Randy ripped her apart, Paula said she was pretty, and Simon was surprisingly very sweet to her. Note that when she got some good feedback the girl who “checks out” during judging suddenly became rapt with attention. What a fake bitch. I like to think that Simon just doomed her by being overly nice to her. Which is delicious.

Diana Ross said that Nos-Phil-ratu brought back memories of Marvin Gaye, and hopefully she means that someone will shoot him. That’s mean. But really, Phil Stacey and Marvin Gaye have nothing in common except an extraneous “E” in their last names. He sang “I’m Gonna Make You Love Me.” He started out strong, which is rare for Phil. He was pretty decent on the chorus, because it is naturally shouty. Phil was the best guy of the night, and you know how it pains me to say that.

Lakisha sang “God Bless the Child” and was amazing. Duh. I was expecting some bugs to start appearing the The Lakisha Machine, but she definitely held on. I still don’t think she has a hope of winning this thing.

Blake lost more of my affection with his rendition of “You Keep Me Hanging On,” which he sang while doing his impression of Michael Jackson. (That’s pre-crazy, Bubbles-era MJ for those keeping stock at home.) He did some cheesy dance moves, ignored the lyrics at all times, and did an uninspired vocal to boot. Poor Blake. All of your street cred and you don’t have a single original bone in your little body. It wasn’t bad, but seriously, his vocals aren’t even close to being up to snuff. At least he didn’t beatbox!

Stephanie blew a huge opportunity by nixing the dance elements of “Love Hangover.” What the hell is the point of that? The Extended Intro Remix is a piece of shit, and people only like “Love Hangover” for the bootyshaking disco meat. I hated this arrangement. It made a fun song boring. And she was pretty shouty. Stephanie is in trouble tonight.

Chris R picked my favorite Diana song, “The Boss,” and blew the words within the first line. It got worse from there. He sounded so pinched, so nasal, so flat. Just destroyed what it is a totally kick-ass song. At least he had some goddamn pep, though, BRANDON. But man he needs to lay off those squealy runs….

Jordin ended the night by singing “If We Go On Together,” the song from “The Land Before Time” and, incidentally, the theme of my 6th Grade Graduation. One tear! She oversang the power notes, but handled the rest just beautifully. And she looked gorgeous. She needed this performance, and while she didn’t nail it, she did well enough. That said, Jordin needs to stop singing ballads from cartoons.

In danger: Brandon, Haley, Sanjaya, Chris S, Stephanie.

Best of the night: Melinda, Jordin, Lakisha. OF COURSE.

Looking forward to Pimpomercials!