We'll get to Ashley in a minute. But on the whole, last night's episode was a huge improvement over the disaster that was Diana Ross week. The British Invasion came to town and Peter Noone from Herman's Hermits (love them) and Lulu (ambivalent about her; is Petula Clark dead or something?) helped the aspiring Idols to suck less.

Haley opened the night, which is typically a bad omen. But shock of shocks, she didn't totally stink up the place with her rendition of "Tell Him." It was serviceable, even pleasant at times. I didn't hate her guts this week. It's a new sensation for me. To Haley's credit, she's finally figured out how to distinguish herself from The Four Divas + Rocker Gina: she's going for the jiggle vote. Haley wore the shortest formal shorts ever sewn (any higher and they would have gone from "formal" to "indecent") and a clingy top that showcased all her goods. Bully for her. Seriously, Haley's only shot in this thing is to use her looks --- her legs are amazing --- because she's being outsung by everyone but Sanjaya at this point. I kind of can't wait to see what she wears next week.

Chris R. had a deep hole to crawl out of after slaughtering "The Boss" last week. And he kind of did it with a scaled back, acoustic version of "Don't Let the Sun See You Crying." It was mildly boring, but his voice was light and lovely. Great eyes, too. You know how they make goose liver pate by shoving food down a goose til it basically explodes? That's what Chris typically does to a song. He crams it so full of melisma and irritating JT-lite tics that he destroys the vocals. It's a shame, and he kind of acknowledged that last night. He still gilded the lily in spots but last night was, for me, his best performance yet.

Stephanie is going home tonight, y'all. She took "You Don't Have to Say You Love Me" --- a great song that she should have blown out of the water --- and torpedoed it. Bizarre breath control problems. Flat vocals. A distinct lack of power and personality. I don't know what happened to her and Lakisha last night, but they lost some of their Diva Magic or whatever. They looked scared, Stephanie especially. She was roundly dissed by the judges, and rightfully so. I still don't know what went wrong; it's like the song wasn't in the right key for her. But this is the second disappointing week in a row, and she didn't have that much of a fan base to begin with. So goodbye, you gorgeous, sweet woman.

Blake blew last week but he also redeemed himself with "Time of the Season." It was the perfect song choice for his limited range, he sang it really well, threw in some beatboxing that somehow didn't annoy the shit out of me, and flirted like crazy with the crowd. Well done, m'boy. Best performance by him ever, no question. He keeps this up and he might make the finals like I initially predicted.

Lakisha kind of sucked doing "Diamonds Are Forever." I mean, by Lakisha standards. The vocals were still mostly there, but she looked uncomfortable --- her eyes were shifting all over the place, like she was desperately looking for an exit. Her look did her no favors, as she was dressed in a green frock that frankly made her look like a cactus. Mean, I know, but it's true. A minor deal was made about how many diamonds she was wearing, but I thought it all looked pretty trashy. The "AI" producers not knowing the boundary between tasteful and tacky? Who'd have thought? Simon told her that the performance was like seeing Lakisha as a 50-year-old, and I don't disagree. The cracks are starting to appear, folks. I'm still betting on a "shocking" Lakisha elimination by week 6.

Jordin, meanwhile, rocked "I Who Have Nothing." It's a huge song, and she proved she can do huge. That came out wrong, but you know what I mean. She looked outstanding, emoted through the song, nailed the power notes, and totally made me her bitch again. I love this girl. She won't win, but she better make Top 6. She's 17! Jesus!

Phil looked like hell (surprise) and sang "Tobacco Road," a song I'm totally unfamiliar with and which seems like an odd fit for British Invasion night. Doesn't matter --- he was awful. Shouty, of course, but beyond that the performance was embarrassing. Literally cringe-inducing in parts. He started miming the lyrics, which is when you know you've run out of ideas and/or don't know what you're doing. And then he picked up the mic stand and ran around the stage like he was Bo freaking Bice. Phil. Please. Leave it to the professionals. You look more like my grandpa than ever trying to be "hip" like the rock stars. Phil better be in the Bottom 2 tonight. He is awful.

Gina got a very sexy new hairdo that, unfortunately, kept falling in her face during her performance of "Paint it Black." She's slowly transforming herself into Joan Jett, and it makes me concerned for the real Ms. Jett's safety. Has anyone checked Gina's closets lately? Because I can totally see her going all Single White Female. Anyway, Gina got roundly dissed by the judges but I kind of loved it. Simon criticized it as more style over substance, and she did focus more on performing the song than singing it. But you can't trash Gina for doing exactly what Blake does every week and never call him on it. That's not fair. I hope Gina sticks around a little longer. She's got a fake edge, which is infinitely better than no edge at all.

Sanjaya continued his reign of terror with "You Really Got Me." Dressed in castoffs from Jacobim Mugatu's "Derelicte" collection, he actually attacked the song with something resembling a pulse. It was gimmicky, and didn't really involve singing. But, like, this is the guy who did that hellish version of "Stepping Out," you guys. You can't deny that it wasn't at least mildly entertaining. Of course, the best part of the performance came from the camera repeatedly panning to this tween girl in the audience totally losing her shit from being so close to Sanjaya's Asexual Dreaminess. We found out later that her name is Ashley, and she had almost as much screentime as the NAMBLA posterboy himself. Ashley is the embodiment of every preteen girl in this country, and if you're wondering how Mr. Malakar is still in this thing, I say look no further than her tear-stained cheeks, ponytailed hair, and braced teeth. THAT is America, people. Can you handle it? I know I can't. The bad news is, it looks like poor J is going another week without eating...

Chris S. is dead to me after last week's fiasco, and did little to change that last night with his performance of "She's Not There." Vocally it was passable, although his voice isn't dirty enough for the growling in the chorus, and it got shouty on the big notes. But his performance consisted of him starting in the middle of the audience, ambling through it for three quarters of the song, and then getting up to the mini-stage behind the judges and picking up the mic stand, OK, and doing some lame attempt at "rocking" there for the rest. Like Phil, Chris Sligh is not a rocker. He will never be a rocker. He is a nice, boring guy who wishes he could have edge, or cred, or something like that. And when he pulls gimmicky shit like this it just drives me nuts. He's running out of tricks, and fast. I bet we'll see the a cappella performance within three weeks. What then, Sligh? Self-immolation on stage? Actually, that I could get behind...

Melinda closed out the night. Surprised? Of course you aren't. This season really has become "Melinda Doolittle and her American Idolettes." If she doesn't win...man. No justice. She picked "As Long as He Needs Me," which I'm only familiar with from "Oliver." (Was that a hit independent of the musical? Man, the ‘60s were weird...) Another perfect vocal. Thing is, Melinda always finds a way to make a song her own. And this didn't sound remotely Broadway, so major props there. I think it was Paula who told her she's already a star. And, exactly. She doesn't need this shit. On a side note: Wouldn't you love to have Melinda over for dinner sometime? I bet she'd make the best house guest, and would bring a very thoughtful hostess gift.

To sum up: Stephanie, Phil, and Gina are in trouble. Sanjaya and Haley might sneak in there, too. Stephanie or Phil will go home (probably Steph). And poor Ashley will be teased mercilessly by her peers today, but is secretly the most awesome person in the world.