Last night's "Idol" will go on record as one of the weirdest episodes of the show, ever. For one, a legitimate, current pop artist was guest mentor. Gwen Stefani joined the wrinkled ranks of Kenny Rogers, Peter Noone, Barry Manilow, et al and coached the wannabes through the songs of No Doubt, or bands that inspired No Doubt. This...is a theme? It led to a night with songs by Donna Summer, The Cure, and Cyndi Lauper. I just...I just don't understand that. As my friend put it, "Why not just say the theme is Pick a Song Week?" Furthermore, Stefani clearly wants no part of this, and has precious few good things to say about the aspiring idols. That part I actually kind of loved. You could tell which contestants she actually thought had a decent shot, but didn't bother to hide her complete disdain for the rest. I respect that. I do not, however, respect Gwen's apparent lack of interest in the project in general. I'm not saying you have to be like Lulu and run around like a nutbar, but at least be gracious about it. They're going to you because you're an icon. And in return you're getting primo exposure to millions of Americans. And your last record sucked. So, sack up, Gwen. You kind of came off as really brittle and WASPy last night (is her mouth always that tight?) and with goofy-ass songs like "Wind It Up" in your repertoire you really can't afford that kind of public perception.

Lakisha kicked off the night with Donna Summer's "Last Dance," and for the second straight week completely underwhelmed. We have a trend here, and I'd like to call it The Mandisa Slide. Lakisha just seems to be losing energy, or focus, or interest. Or maybe self-esteem, I don't know. But she's not shining like she used to, and that's why America turned against Mandisa. Well, that and she hates the gays, which, honey, know your fan base. Lakisha didn't sing the song badly, she just didn't really sing the song right. There was way too much vibrato going on throughout. Disco is all about clean, smooth, sexy lines. This was all wavy and decidedly unsexy. Does her voice always have that much vibrato? Never noticed it. She got generally good reviews from the judges, but I was bored. This is what happens when you give us high expectations, Lakisha. If Haley had delivered that performance the script would have been totally flipped.

Chris Sligh picked The Police's "Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic." I'm starting to think that he's been scanning me, and deliberately picking songs that will further encourage my hatred of him. "Every Little Thing" is a perfect pop song. It has a sing-songy chorus, a great bridge, and it all builds to this glorious crescendo at the end of the song. It's infectious. Sligh's performance was none of those things. For one, he was off the beat in the chorus, and rushed in other parts. For two, he sounded pinched the entire time, not unlike a sqealing pig. (That's not a criticism of Chris' size, by the way --- the song was just too high for him to comfortably sing the tune in his range.) And for three, he picked up the mic stand AGAIN, and these people just never learn. You are not a rocker, Chris Sligh! Give it up. The judges knocked him around for the tempo thing in particular, and his excuse --- this guy always has excuses --- is that he'd never sung the song before, and that trying to figure out the rhythms was "like a master class." Dude. Shut up. This is your gig. I'm sure more than half the people on that stage had never sung the songs they picked, but that's what you do on "American Idol." This is not a surprise. And also, it's a syncopated rhythm. It's really not that hard. Try actually listening to what artists do on their own songs before you open your stupid mouth sometime. Simon just called it a mess, and he's absolutely right. For me, it was the worst of the night (Sanjaya doesn't count, as we'll get into).

Gina bounced back from the critical drubbing last week with arguably the night's best performance, The Pretenders' "I'll Stand by You." I think Randy said it was the perfect marriage of singer and song, and he was spot-on. It shows off Gina's range (always bigger than I expect it to be), maintains the rocker shtick people want to see her stick to, and is just a damn good song to begin with. I was very proud of her. It's funny that she didn't get the last spot of the night, typically reserved for the best performance. I wonder if the producers are intentionally trying to bury her in the middle of the pack? I should mention that her dress was just godawful. That was a theme for the entire evening, actually.

So. Sanjaya. I had read earlier yesterday that there was some minor controversy over the fact that he picked No Doubt's "Bathwater" --- I song I personally really like, but which is not well known and a crazy weird choice for Sanjaya --- and Stefani told him flat out that it wasn't the right choice for him. He stuck with it, and reportedly pissed her off. With good reason. Sanjaya came out with his hair up in a fauxhawk, bundled together in seven tiny pigtails to form a ridge on the top of his head. Never has an "Idol" contestant looked more ridiculous. And I'm including Bobby Bennett in that! The performance came close to "Steppin' Out" levels of awfulness, as Sanjaya returned to the shy, whispery shuffle delivery he was originally known for, plus he forgot the words. Joking aside, this wouldn't even pass muster at a high school talent show. But the best part is that now everyone's in on the joke. Sanjaya, the judges --- everybody. The judges discussed his hair, again, and Paula and Randy essentially said, "Dude, at least try when you're out here. You're making a mockery of this." Simon just admitted that it doesn't matter a damn what the judges think. Sanjaya = judge-proof. And he totally knows it. I've come to love the Sanjaya segments, because for his glorious three minutes of airtime "Idol" actually becomes a totally different show, a parody. I keep expecting Christopher Guest and his crew to start showing up in the background.

On the flip side of the same coin, Haley chose Cyndi Lauper's "True Colors," and similarly dismayed Stefani by singing some weird melody to the song that has no business being there. No, she actually said that. She tried to persuade Haley to just sing the damn song the way it's supposed to be sung, but Haley too basically ignored the guest mentor's wishes (are these people not here to learn?) and sang what I can only assume is a Christian artist's version of the song. I had the urge to scream out "Praise him!" every time she paused; like she was singing about Jesus' true colors or something. She didn't sing the song badly, but it was instantly forgettable. More problematic was the fact that she was shrouded in a black, baggy dress that did nothing to accentuate her bodacious ta-tas. Haley, I thought we covered this last week? You want to stay, you're going to have to give them what they want. It's gross, I know, but when Howard Stern is your biggest supporter, you need to really think about what it all means. Thankfully her legs were uncovered except for a very short skirt, which the camera made a point of shooting up any time possible. Close up shop, Haley. I could drive a boat show through there.

Phil picked The Police's "Every Breath You Take," and to my immense consternation was not terrible. He avoided the typical Stacey traps of blowing the intro and over-shouting the power notes. He was even appropriately creepy in his delivery of what is essentially the stalker national anthem. So I guess we're stuck with him for another week. Pity.

Melinda, awesome little Melinda, also chose Donna Summer, this time "Heaven Knows." I'm getting tired of writing "Melinda was awesome," but there you have it. She's also working on her one big problem --- aside from the lack of neck, which she can't do much about --- coming off as totally fake when getting all the praise heaped on her by the judges. The lampooning of her uber-graciousness was front and center on "Best Week Ever" last week, and she seems to have gotten the message. Own your goodness, Melinda. Or we're going to think you're trying to swindle us out of something.

Blake made another weird song choice, "Love Song" by The Cure, and Stefani said that she digs Blake, but worries that his beatboxing will ruin the song. Amen, sister. I say that just about every week (last one was an exception). But we needn't have worried, because Blake sings the song totally straight, albeit with a nice reggae background vibe. It actually suits the song surprisingly well. He biffs a couple notes --- Blake really does need to work on those vocals --- but all around I thought it was a solid, if not a touch boring, performance. His shirt was hideous. He should have just taken it off. He really, really should have. Guaranteed votes!

My sweet Jordin looked ADORABLE from the waist up and, for reasons I don't understand, picked No Doubt's "Hey Baby." Actually, I do understand. She explained that she wanted to do something different, and show us that she can be a performer, not just a power vocalist. I'm all for diversification, Jordin, but at least pick a song that you can perform and SING. Or, more to the point, pick an actual song. Because "Hey Baby" isn't really one. It's just talking to a rhythm, and then a chorus. She does her best with it, although it's much too low for her in parts, and her performance is more engaging than normal, but kind of boring when held up to Blake. It was just...weird. There's that word again. As were her hideous, huge gray shorts. She should punch her stylist. But I hope she's safe tonight. I would be devastated if she left this early.

Chris R got the pimp slot (the producers got a little scared after last week, eh?) but totally didn't deserve it after his middling version of "Don't Speak." I'm predisposed to hate that song after Syracuse radio shoved it down my ears millions of times per day as an impressionable high-schooler/college freshman. Chris leaves his vocal acrobatics (TM Gwen Stefani) on the bench for the most part, but gussies up some lines unneccessarily. He always looks like he's about to cry when he pulls out those runs. It's not pretty. And he is so, so pretty. He was also flat on the bridge, and overall just kind of "eh." Definitely not a winning performance. The judges tell him so. I'm growing increasingly ambivalent about Chris.

Tonight: Gwen performs live and probably hates every minute of it. In trouble: Haley, Sanjaya (of course), Sligh, and, I fear, Jordin. Lakisha could slip in there too. Going home: I would be delighted if it was Sligh, but I think Haley's pretty party might be closing up shop.