"Idol" 2007, Part 3: Loud is the new good

January 23, 2007 at 11:26pm

So, the live-blogging kicked my ass. Like, hours of my life. Gone. And it made for realllllly long blogs. We can't have that. And so, a new format for your "Idol" speculation: The good, the "good," and the good for television.

So, Memphis:

THE GOOD:

-Melinda Doolittle, professional back-up singer. Melinda does not necessarily have the look for "Idol" --- she looks much older than she is, and has an older type of sound to match. But man, can she sing. She did Stevie's "For Once in My Life," and it was so easy and breezy that it barely seemed like work at all. But it clearly is work, because girl was hella nervous, and that doesn't bode well. Just ask Camille Velasco. Who? Exactly; see Season 3. Her back story could work for her, though, as you can already see Simon constructing this little backup-singer-steals-the-limelight story into a Rolling Stone profile or something.

-Dani McCulloch. At first glance, Dani has The Package. A Kimberly Caldwell sexiness that's not quite slutty. But then she smiles and it's not quite right -- I think it's something with her chin shape. But her voice is decent/very decent, with a bluesy quality that she knows how to use in all the right ways. I couldn't help feeling like she was holding back, though, and that'll kill her in Hollywood Week. Love her haircut.

THE "GOOD":

-Simon fairly shat himself over Sundance Head (his actual name), a big bear of a man who happens to be the son of one-time chart-topper Roy Head. Sundance sings --- nay, bellows --- a Bobby Blue Band song. And clearly he has talent, but I just thought he was trying too hard. REALLY LOUD. Cowell actually told him he'd be stunned if he didn't make the final two, and while I usually agree with Simon, I think he's way off here. America is aggressively ambivalent about blues music, and that's what Sundance is. (I would LOVE to hear this guy on disco week. Heh.) Yeah, they voted for Hicks, but a) he wasn't really blues, just a poseur and b) he was a self-promoting jackass, and Sundance seems way too laid back for that shit. Plus, that goatee. I'm just saying.

-Phil Stacy introduces himself by explaining, "I'm feeling a little tired today because my wife called me at 4 a.m. and woke me up to tell me she'd had our second baby." And seriously, if people weren't horrified by that statement, we've got problems. He is completely comfortable with the decision that trying out for a ridiculous talent show that he has no chance of winning is more important than being there for his wife while she goes through the pain of labor to birth his child. The guy is clearly a narcissist. Added bonus: He sucks. Simon says he doesn't know how to start a song. I counter that he only knows how to shout in an overly nasal tone. They let this guy through but dissed the overexcited cheerleader guy? Paula's not the only one who's drunk. This chud better go early in Hollywood, because he only got through based on his sob story --- a really f'ed-up one at that. (Also, his baby? Not cute.)

THE GOOD FOR TELEVISION:

-Robert Lee Holmes, who claims to both love Elvis and yet know only one song of his, does a predictably awful job of "Burnin' Love" while wiggling around in a suit five sizes too big for him. After the judges shoot him down, Robert looks genuinely hurt and confused. Robert is not all there, mentally. And that whole sequence was really uncomfortable.

-Tameka Simms, the long-lost sister of Mushmouth. I cannot place that girl's accent at all, but it sounded more like bloops and bleeps coming out of her mouth than actual words when she tackled Ashanti. (And really, Ashanti? Who sings Ashanti?) Tameka has wild eyes, and I wonder if maybe she has rabies. That could explain her lack of elocution, right?

-King of the Sad Sacks Topher McCain, 28, whose wife left him after he caught her jeepin' with other guys (presumably), then took her back, and then broke it off after he found out she still wanted other guys. Do not feel sympathy for Topher, however. Because he's 1) obesessed with Paula Abdul; 2) deluded enough to think he actually has a chance of winning this competition; 3) gives the swishiest, most pathetic performance of Kenny Loggins' "Footloose" you have ever seen; and 4) proceeds to badmouth Paula after she was nothing but nice to him in his audition. Boo, Topher. Do not shit on Paula. If we lose her we're stuck with Marie Osmond, and nobody wants that.

I'd love to close by mentioning the unspeakable horror of Alexis' H.R. Geiger-esque brace face, but that would be cruel. See you tomorrow in New York, where at least one girl has a full on break with reality, weeping and screaming as she screams "I'm unique! I'm an original!" Ah, it's good to be on home turf again.

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