Goddamnit, America! Can't you do anything right?!

We were poised to have one of the best Final 2 showdowns in "AI" history with Melinda v. Jordin. And then you cock it up by sending home Melinda last night. Good gravy.

Ultimately it's not that surprising. As my friends pointed out, it had become clear by mid-season that Melinda wasn't actually going to win this thing. She's amazing and will probably have a great career ahead of her (although I still can't imagine what a Melinda Doolittle album will sound like --- blues? Jazz?). But she totally deserved the other slot in Final 2. She was the second victim of the Night of Women Being Robbed by Reality TV (see also: Renee on "Model, Top" and Tabatha on "Genius, Shear").

Another bloated results show, this time with two musical guests. Maroon 5 came on and sang that new song I like, but boy does that lead singer sound awful live. Not surprising. I don't know anyone who could sustain that falsetto without tons of studio help. Band sounded great, tho.

And then: Elliott Yamin! Last year's third-place contestant (how did that happen?) came back to sing a cut from his new album, a Brian McKnight-esque tune that I don't think really ever ends. It just keeps going and going and going...I think Elliott was singing for five minutes straight. But I didn't really notice because I was too captivated by his shiny new veneers and that ridiculous pile of curls on his head. You know those "Friends" flashback episodes where Ross is in high school with the sketchy porno stache and a big ol' fro? Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Elliott Yamin. Even worse. He walked on stage and I literally yelled at the screen, "Welcome back, Mr. Kot-ter!" How has nobody told him that he looks utterly ridiculous? That was the highlight of the night; I haven't laughed so hard in ages.

I'd also like to point out that we haven't seen Taylor Douchebag Hicks once this season, save for the two-second clip during Idol Gives Back. I can't remember the last time a previous year's winner didn't stop by to sing. Everybody hates Taylor! HA!

So it's down to Blake and Jordin. I'm irritated that Blake's even in the picture, and a little worried that Blake seems to be gaining momentum while Jordin seems to be losing some. But I'm telling you right now, America: If you make Blake Lewis win, I'm going to start pulling hair. Not mine, but everyone I see on the street. I don't care if you voted for Blake; you're guilty by association. I will snatch you bald. Don't think I won't. Give this thing to Jordin. Or else.