Ryan tells us over and over how Alabama is "Idol country," as it spawned Ruben, Bo, and Taylor. Ugh, like that's something to brag about. Judging by the crop that showed up to these auditions, we will not have an Alabaman in the finals this year. This may be the worst audition episode of the series, ever. Certainly the most boring.

THE GOOD:

There were precious few to pick from, but I'm rather partial to Jack Osbourne look-alike Chris Sligh, 28, who has a little chunk, a lot of poodle hair, and even more charisma. He's charming in a self-deprecating kind of way, and sings Seal's "Kiss From a Rose" passably. His personality really carries the performance because, really, it's kind of high-school drama club. But I like him a lot and hope to see him post-Hollywood Week.

Tatiana McConnico, 17, reminds me of Lisa Tucker from last year, but with a dollop of dirty girl. That's a good thing. She's a very good singer, although there's nothing particularly singular about her voice. She's through, but we'll have to do something about that wardrobe --- are those skin-tight jean shorts with a huge pink belt over her shirt? She is 17, I guess...

Bernard Williams II is great singing "Rock With You," but I fear he has no soul. He...smiles too much, maybe. But there's just no personality whatsoever. It's like he's pretending to be a person, but not actually a person.

THE "GOOD":

Katie Bernard speaks in a baby doll voice, but it's a baby doll with a crayon stuck in her nose or something. It is deeply disturbing when you think about what would make a grown woman intentionally speak like a little girl. Her singing voice is completely different, but crazy gimmicky --- she's all extreme dynamics and overdone hand gestures and vocal tics. The affectations seriously grate. She gets through to Hollywood, barely, by pleading with Paula and for some reason dragging in her new husband, who looked mortified by the whole endeavor. Exactly, dude.

Continuing on our tour of emotionally damaged young women of the South we have Jamie Lynn Ward, 17, who looks like a trashier version of my beloved Hayden Panettiere (I'm sorry, but it's true). Jamie Lynn is introduced as having "a big heart." Here is her story: She lives with her grandma, and together they take care of her father, who is paralyzed from the neck down. Aww. That is sad, no doubt. One crucial bit of information: Dad is paralyzed because he shot himself after he shot his wife, Jamie Lynn's stepmom, after he found her cheating with another man. That is...somewhat less sympathetic, at least to me, and maybe the most screwed-up backstory on "Idol," ever. Not to the judges, though, who clearly put Jamie Lynn through on sad-sack points because her audition is straight-up rubbish. She's awful on the high notes, thin and weak toward the end, and flat, flat, flat. Easily the worst person to get to Hollywood that we've seen. I think maybe Simon sees a sexier version of Kellie Pickler, but Jamie Lynn lacks her talent, charm, and natural beauty. Seems to have the clueless thing down, though.

THE GOOD FOR TELEVISION:

Victoria Watson has never cut her hair --- seriously --- and her tresses now reach 6' long. She reminds me of Ann from "Arrested Development," and is clearly a very nice young woman. She sings like she's in church, and her mom loves her. I love her mom. Can I vote for her mom?

Margaret Fowler is dressed up like a chicken or whatever, and she claims to be 26, which is an obvious lie. After her awful audition she admits to being 50 years old. Simon openly asks about what's going on with this show, in which he is forced to watch a woman who is WAY over the 28-year-old audition limit prance around in a bird costume. EXACTLY. This is the second over-40 audition to get screen time this season (the Sinatra reject from New York), and I'm sure there are genuinely talented 29-year-olds who would love that option, but who are not total freaks or rejects.

We close out with Brandy Patterson, 28, who the show is trying to make into the new Rhonetta, but who sadly is not. I think Brandy actually thinks she's good. And obviously she isn't, first attempting "Like a Virgin," and then, after claiming that the acoustics of the wood floor screwed her up, moves to the carpet for "Proud Mary." While shooing her out the door Simon realizes that Brandy has no concept of sarcasm, and delights in teasing her by yelling "Call me!" Brandy doesn't get the joke, and dresses down Randy and Simon in a half-assed way, then promises to never speak to them again. No flashing of cooter, no screaming about drinking off other bitches...she is no Rhonetta.