The best part of L.A.: Olivia! Newton! John! Yeah, she was kind of worthless as a guest judge --- she’s far too sweet to shatter the dreams of the delusional masses --- but oh, how I love her. The worst thing about L.A.: that it came on at 9 p.m. so that Fox could pull a bait-and-switch to pimp freaking “Bones” instead. I call bollocks!

THE GOOD:

You can tell that good things are coming for Alaina Alexander --- she had full-on Mannequin make-good music playing in the background as soon as she started talking about how she was thisclose to giving up on her musical dream. She is a stunning, gorgeous woman. She sings a Michael Buble song I don’t know, and she has a solid, workmanlike voice. It’s not very showy, but I like her. I will say that she’s too affected. She just needs to SING, and let go.

 Another background vocalist! I smell a trend. Brandon Rogers has done backups for Anastasia and Xtina. He’s very handsome, and a tiny little man. And he’s also very good. Paula Abdul looked ready to leap out of her chair and get her some sexual chocolate. Olivia Newton-John says she felt him in her heart! That’s blessed indeed. We like Brandon.

THE “GOOD”:

Nobody --- only three got three that we saw, and all of them are OK. But I’ve already forgotten about Brian Miller. Again.

 THE GOOD FOR TV:

Martik “Panther” Manoutin thinks of himself as “the most exciting entertainer on planet Earth.” He is awesome. He looks like a member of The Warriors, starts off by flinging off his vest, sunglasses, and shirt, and then breaks into this song called “Sweetest Princess” --- is that real? --- which he punctuates with panther growls and by whispering the word “eccentric.” See, this is a good bad audition --- a deluded nutter who’s still entertaining. More Martik!

Phuong Pham refers to herself as the female Taylor Hicks. When she finally sings, she is awful. Just like Taylor! She puts on this weird Doobie Brothers voice and dances around like an epileptic. Just like Taylor! She claims that she feels guilty, because she abandoned music a few years ago. Oh Phuong, you didn’t abandon music --- music abandoned you.

Marianna Riccio’s mom was one of Dean Martin’s “gold diggers” --- I hope that was a cutesy name for his back-up singer and not a comment on her character. She says Marianna was “wailing when she came out of the womb.” No kidding. She similarly wails through “Should I Stay or Should I Go.” What a terrible choice for an audition song. She’s freaking awful, and then gets on her knees, begging. It’s an atrocious display, and I hope she sees it and feels shame over her desperation.

Sherman Pore is 64, which makes him more than 30 years too old to try out for this competition. However, he has collected 300 signatures from people who support his “Idol” quest. See, Sherman’s “lady love” had cancer, and the idea of him trying out for the show apparently gave her something to live for. Sadly, she died right before the audition. He sings “You Belong to Me,” and it’s very sweet. Paula openly weeps. I know I’m a heartless bastard, but even I was moved by this. Obviously Sherman doesn’t go through, but he feels good about getting that far. The thing is, I really think he could win this thing if they let him on. I’m just afraid this is going to encourage other, less authentic folks to try and pull a Sherman.