It’s our “final” night of auditions (except that it’s totally not, liars) and we’re in San Antonio, Texas. There is much discussing of the Alamo and even more drawling. Also, suspiciously few assholes. Aren’t we done with this yet?

THE GOOD:

-After an extended intro sequence that seemingly never ends, Haley Scarnato, 24, finally sings. She’s quite good. A little affected --- especially in the beginning of the song --- but she does Bonnie Raitt proud with “I Can’t Make You Love Me.” She reveals that she’s a wedding band singer, and that sounds about right. Simon questions whether she has the “unique” factor, and I agree that maybe she doesn’t. But she’s pretty and talented. They’ve let through less than that. She gets a golden ticket.

-Baylie Brown might as well be spelled “R-I-N-G-E-R.” She’s 16 and from the small town of Krum, where the cows outnumber the people. But, see, she doesn’t belong in a small town. She’s a big-city girl at heart. She loves fashion! You can tell by all of her low-cut tops and sparkly pants and belts! Anyway, she’s actually a pretty damn good singer. Big voice, lots of personality. She has the look and the name to be a star. Expect to see Baylie in the Top 6.

-Jimmy McNeal, 23, has an equally big voice and has all kinds of fun while belting out “Cupid.” Simon calls him a “fun, little Ruben,” and those are two words I would never associate with the Velvet Teddy Bear. That said, the farthest I see Jimmy going is the Top 24 or whatever. He’s just not Top 12 material.

 THE “GOOD”

-Akron Watson, 23, sings Sam Cooke’s “Change is Gonna Come.” I’m so sick of that song; I feel like somebody has sung it after audition city this season. He’s OK vocally. Boring as all hell. Simon tells him so, and he successfully petitions to sing a second song, Marvin Gaye’s “Let’s Get it On” (note to Akron: these song selections are only serving to make you seem like 40 years old, seriously). It’s better, but I figured out what his issue is: he’s straining his vocal cords almost the entire time he’s singing. That can’t be good. He gets through, and is destined to become Hollywood road kill.

 -Ashlyn Carr, 18, has a great smoky voice, but incredibly crazy phrasing and diction, and ugly, ugly faces. She goes straight up into her nose on the high notes. She gets shot down, and is heartbroken. But in an unprecedented move the judges bring her back in and let her sing another song, and she gets through. The judges tell her she’ll have to work to clean up her horrible performance habits, but I like her. She’s adorable and an underdog. I wouldn’t be surprised if she makes Top 12, but is one of the first boot-ees.

THE GOOD FOR TELEVISION:

-Jasmine Holland, 22, was pushed into auditioning by her mom, and she should slap the woman straight across the face. She is crazy shy, and is beyond nasal and off-key. I don’t know if that was even a song. After the judges justifiably break out into nervous laughter and she is dismissed, she turns into a venomous little bitch while walking out the door. Her mother adds that Simon, Randy, and Paula can all kiss her ass. That’s a nice mom.

 -William Green sings “Amazing Grace” with his voice in the cellar, and slower than a funeral dirge. Paula actually looked at her watch during the audition. He has a good attitude about the whole thing (he just came with his cousin, Akron) and as he leaves, fakes being mad at the judges. It’s actually kind of adorable.

-Sandie Chavez, 21, claims that she has been singing since the age of 6 and previously performed for the Mayor of Houston, who loved her voice. She sings “Black Velvet” and hilariously puts her finger in her ear like there’s a monitor there. She doesn’t sing actual words; there is just moaning. She’s a disaster of a human being, and among the most deluded souls ever on this show.

THE BEST:

OTHER DOOR! Extended “other door” remix to Salt-n-Pepa’s “Push It.” Other Door is totally my American Idol.

Tonight: More goddamn auditions! “The Best of the Rest!” Screw you, show; give me Hollywood Week! I’m tired of these chuds.