Last night was part one of the Biggest! Idol! Event! Ever! Also known as "Idol Gives Back," in which we interrupt the regular meaningless programming of America's favorite TV show to make people feel bad about homelessness and poverty in our country and Africa. And you know, we should feel bad. But I found myself surprisingly conflicted by the whole thing. More on that tomorrow after I see what tonight turns up.

So the theme of the evening was inspirational songs. The mentor was allegedly Bono, but we literally don't even see him for a second. I'm dubious that he even met these kids, and that his mentorship was, like, leaving Post-It Notes with Dove Promises-esque inspirational notes. ("Remember: Hugs are free," or "Take time to get to know you today," or, for Phil, "I know what you are, and I will destroy you.") I'm sure he'll pop up tonight because Bono's never met a celebrity charity function he didn't like.

Chris kicked off the night with Eric Clapton's "Change the World." Strike one right there. I cannot stand Clapton, and while this song is one of his better tunes, that's not saying much. Strike two comes from the fact that after the multiple stunts he pulled last week (talking back to Simon, arguing that "nasally is a form of singing," using the VTech tragedy as a calculated ploy to get votes, acting like a punk on Wednesday re: Peter Noone) I am completely and totally done with him. I actually want him to go home before Phil at this point, I find his personality so revolting. Unfortunately he actually sings it pretty well. The beginning is rough, but he's actually kind of awesome by the end. BUT! I can take solace in the fact that the performance is the standard Chris Performance, this time with Added Stool Action. You know what I mean: He stares all puppy-dog-eyed into the camera, bobbles around, and does that head tic where he whips his face to the side superfast in between lines. It is the exact same performance he does every week. You could mute all of his numbers on this show, view them simultaneously on seperate TV sets, and it would look like he is singing the same song. I guarantee you.

Melinda chose a kind of awful Faith Hill song, "There Will Come a Day." I like Faith and I like parts of the song, but it's an awful lot of screaming. Thankfully Melinda is a pro and knows how to make screaming musical, and she nailed it. She also looked great. But as I was watching it I realized I don't want Melinda to win anymore. I love her dearly, think she's amazing, but she wouldn't make a very good Idol. Jordin would. And Melinda peaked way, way too early. She's got a lot to live up to every week. Poor dear.

Blake made the incredibly stupid move of choosing John Lennon's "Imagine." Can we, as a people, all decide to put a moratorium on this song for at least 20 years? There have been countless covers of this song by countless artists who think they're making some "important" statement or whatever, and virtually none of them add anything to the original. It's just one of those songs that cannot be improved on. Why bother? Blake certainly didn't improve on it. He sung it. Competently. It sounded fine. His voice has improved quite a bit since we started. BUT! There was nothing there. It was just...typical. The most exciting part of the performance was trying to figure out why he was dressed like Jean Valjean. Huge misstep for Blake on a week where he really needed to wow us.

Speaking of missteps, Lakisha decided that out of all the inspirational songs out there, a smart move would be to choose "I Believe," Fantasia's coronation number from AI3. Lakisha. No. Listen, I'm sure Lakisha is a very nice woman. And as Paula summed up, she's a powerhouse vocalist. But she is no Fantasia. And boy, did this performance hammer that home. Like last week, it was Lakisha basically screaming at us for 80 percent of the song, and more awkward phrasing. It revealed all of her faults --- specifically, that she's got a lot of volume and an OK range, but very little control. Pale imitation, that's the best you can really say. The judges said essentially that, but Ryan decided he needed to make her feel better so I don't think any of it sunk in. Lakisha can go any time now, folks. Whenever you're ready.

Phil is apparently starting to let his hair grow in. Not going to help at this stage. How is this man still here? Who is voting for Phil Stacey? I actually screamed that at the TV. He picked some Garth Brooks song about change that I'm not familair with. It was certainly the least-country Garth Brooks song I've ever heard. But he actually sang really well. Problem was it, it was totally Broadway show tune, not a country song. And I think it's really sad that since Phil got some love from country week he's all "I'm country!" but he can't even do that right. Poor, useless Phil. Why can't you leave me alone?

Jordin closed down the night with "You'll Never Walk Alone." I was worried, because talk about screamy --- that's like the shoutiest song ever made. It's also very old, and insanely precious. But she did it. It wasn't perfect --- I actually thought the judges were overly effusive --- but it was pretty damn good, and showcased the level of vocal control she has (hear that, Lakisha?). She also looked amazing. And you know, Jordin would totally make a GREAT Idol. We've never had one as young as her, she's perky, she's poppy, she's amazing, a great role model. I'm officially shifting my imaginary votes to Jordin. And since she's surging while Blake and Lakisha are tumbling...could it happen?

In trouble tonight: Lakisha, Phil, Chris (Blake will get a sympathy bump from last week; Jordin and Melinda are safe)

Who will go home: Hopefully Phil or Chris, because they have outlived their usefulness. But I think Lakisha's reign may be at an end.

Also, I am VERY EXCITED to see Kelly Clarkson on AI again tonight, even if her new song kind of reeks.