It was Bon Jovi night. Yuck. Ryan hyped the band as unquestionably "one of the greatest rock bands ever." Um, no? I was alive and sentient for all of Bon Jovi's heyday, and while they were certainly ridiculously popular, I can't recall the band getting anything but the most tepid of props from the actual rock community. Bon Jovi creates easily digestible catchy pop-rock nuggets. They had a string of hits. Why falsely make them out to be artistes when you can legitimately trumpet the fact that they used cute looks and hummable hooks to sucker the American public into loving them for a decade or so? Isn't that what this show is about anyway?

Phil was up first, and sang "Wanted Dead or Alive in a Blaze of Glory," or whatever the song is called. I'm still convinced that the two songs for the "Young Guns" movies are actually one and the same. Phil sang it well. He wasn't bad. He just...was. I have a hard time feeling anything for a Phil Stacey performance in general, but especially when he's singing about being in shoot-outs and drawing first blood or whatever. It's just so silly. The song is about as culturally relevant as Lou Diamond Phillips or Weird Al, or, come to think of it, Phil Stacey.

Jordin went next and chose "Living on a Prayer." It was an apt song choice, since after her performance she'll be counting on divine intervention to make it through. AWFUL. Seriously, guys. You know I love Jordin, but this was a disaster from beginning to end. The lows were too low, the highs were too high (she shrieked throughout the chorus) and there were maybe four bars in tune. Thing is, Jordin knew it, and while being dissected by the judges she kept interrupting to agree with them. I'm not sure if that'll actually help or hurt her since even I was getting annoyed with the self-doubting routine. I'm hopeful that her fake scare from last week plus her very real one from this week motivated her fans to get out there and vote, because I will be crushed if she's sent home.

I actively hoped that Lakisha would bomb. I know, I'm terrible. Unfortunately she was amazing on "This Ain't a Love Song." It was a flashback to the Lakisha of yore, the flashy, brassy young woman who just came out and belted a fantastic tune every week. The judges loved it, and Simon even gave her a kiss. It was a cute, if overly manufactured (by Seacrest; imagine that) moment. I still want her to go home this week; she's too much of a potential drain on Melinda and Jordin's votes.

Blake died his hair brunette (or washed the blonde dye out) and it does him no favors. It makes his chin look chunky, and while I'm typically all about a prominent chin, it makes him look vaguely Flintstone-ian. He chose "You Give Love a Bad Name." Fine. Certainly one of Jovi's better numbers. But Blake decides to take a "risk" and "be original" by...beatboxing half of the song. Point: This was not original. We've seen Blake do this on multiple occasions since January. Point 2: It was exceedingly lame. I was cringing when he did his little skit in the beginning in which he mimed putting on a record and mimicked the sounds. Remember that guy from the "Police Academy" movies who did all the sound impressions? Yeah, Blake sure does. When you're a B-rate Michael Winslow and you're trying to pass it off as "edgy," you have no cred at all with me. The judges loved it; I couldn't shake the feeling that all of the tricks and gimmicks were to hide the fact that he can't sing very well. I'll stick to my assessment, I think.

Speaking of not singing well, Chris chose the other half of "Wanted Dead or Alive in a Blaze of Glory." (Not joking: thought it was the same song as Phil's for the first 10 measures.) It was the whiniest cowboy anthem ever staged. It wasn't bad, but it was kind of embarrassing. Simon told him that he did the best he could do with a genre that wasn't his own. Probably true. Doesn't mean I have to give him a cookie. I want him gone, America.

Melinda went last and performed "Have a Nice Day." If a goofier song has ever been written, I'd like to hear it. Even "I've Got a Brand New Pair of Rollerskates" has some subversive meaning, and "Funkytown" is, well, "Funkytown," which translates to "Awesome." But "Have a Nice Day" is quite literally a string of hoary old clichés rattled off with false swagger. I was embarrassed for Melinda as she sang it, but she sang the hell out of it. The judges mentioned a distinct Tina Turner vibe, and that's exactly what she did. She was worried about being a rocker, but she totally pulled it off. I love Melinda, I really do, but she's too much of a pro for this.

Lastly, at some point in the show Seacrest presented a special video message from Dubya and Mrs. President thanking the "Idol" viewers for "Idol Gives Back." It raised nearly $70 million for charity. Awesome; now how about you do your job, Mr. Bush, and actually eliminate poverty in your country instead of relying on middle-class families to do it for you? Don't tell me you don't have the money in the piggybank since you keep throwing untold billions into the money pit that is your little oil war. He also took pains to thank all the celebrities who donated their time (gee, exposure on the most popular TV show on the planet; yes, they really put themselves out there...) and specifically Bono. And this? This pissed me off. From what we saw, "mentor" Bono stood in the doorway creepily watching the Idols sing, then moseyed over the piano to feed them some cornball lines about changing the world or whatever. Wow, Bono. You did SO MUCH for this program. Let's single him out and throw more praise his way. I don't think that ego is big enough yet. HATE!

Who's in trouble: Well, since two people out of six are going home...everybody (except probably Melinda, maybe Blake).

Who's going home: PLEASE let it be Lakisha and Chris, but I'm worried about Jordin. Also, anytime for Phil. Anytime.