Earlier this week MTV's "The Hills" wrapped up its third season (except that it didn't; read on) as the network's highest-rated show. I'm not an expert on the program, but I've caught a couple episodes here and there. And I am deeply confused. Why, exactly, is this show popular?

"The Hills" is a spin-off of "Laguna Beach," itself a reality version of Fox's once-hot "The O.C." It follows a fairly pretty young woman, Lauren Conrad, as she leaves high school behind for the "real world." Of course, Lauren's real world is pretty unreal. She got an internship at Teen Vogue right out of high school (uh huh) and she has somehow kept that same internship for several years now (uh huh). She doesn't appear to actually go to college and lives in a very nice apartment and wears very expensive clothing and goes partying at the hottest clubs just about every week. A memo to 20-year-olds all over the world: your life will almost certainly never resemble Lauren's. And you should be thankful for that.

Obviously a big part of the disconnect is that I'm not a 13-year-old girl. I get that. But even acknowledging that I'm not a member of the target audience, I cannot understand what kids like about this show. Nothing ever happens! In almost every episode I've seen Lauren just kind of stumbles through Los Angeles, having discussions with her roommates, friends, or would-be boyfriends about...stuff. Mostly it's about why a certain guy won't be her boyfriend, or passive-aggressively expressing her dislike of a friend's boyfriend. But nothing happens. There is talking. There is more talking. This is then followed up by endless staring. Nothing is ever, ever resolved. What is enjoyable about this?

The major arc of Season 3 has been Lauren's shunning of former roommate Heidi, who allegedly was complicit in circulating a rumor about Lauren having a sex tape. The way Lauren treats this girl, you would think Heidi killed Lauren's mother and then forced her to wear her corpse as a wrap. Yeah, the rumor was shitty. But get some perspective.

Perspective is, of course, what's entirely lacking from the show. The "characters" (they're supposedly real people having real conversations, but please-nobody's buying) manage to create melodrama out of absolutely nothing, and I wonder what the hell they'd do if they had to 1) work for a living or 2) actually deal with real world issues, like debt or family problems. None of these people are unlikable, really, not even Heidi or her douchey boyfriend, Spencer. (The guy isn't hurting anyone, he's just an asshole. One she could extract herself from at any time she chooses.) But they're not really people at all. They're ciphers. They're useless. They're completely devoid of any spark of life or self-awareness.

And, unfortunately, they are the leading role models for the next generation of young American women. There are worse examples, I guess. At least they're not Paris Hilton or Lindsay Lohan or Britney Spears. But at least those three have some talent, some personality. The girls of "The Hills" are blonde, bland, paper dolls who play dress up and mope endlessly about nothing at all.

The season "ended" with Lauren finding out that Teen Vogue was sending her off to Paris to help with a fashion show. (Another one of those real-life issues all young girls have to deal with, I guess.) Apparently this is a big deal because the first season ended with the same set up, except Lauren blew off the trip to spend time with her loser ex-boyfriend. (Lauren is kind of stupid sometimes.) So now Season 3 will continue with Lauren's crazy adventures in Paris. It's not unlike "The Devil Wears Prada," except our leads are soulless husks and the boss is kind of a pill instead of a dragon lady.

MTV: Making the next generation aspire to mediocrity. I weep for the future.