Now that "Top Chef" is over (that punk Ilan won, if you care; I certainly don't) Bravo needed some new reality crack to keep us addicted. And so it offers this interior design-based competition, which frankly kind of sucks. We're introduced to 12 designers, and only the men make any kind of impression. The women are just a blur of long hair and pantsuits. The first challenge requires the designers to pair up and create a room for a "mystery celebrity" based only on five items said celeb has provided. These are a kitschy mix of a cartoon cat statue, a mounted butterfly, circular mini-TV, etc. They have two days and $50,000 (!!!) to make it happen. The results are universally tasteful, if not boring. LOTS of mossy green on those walls. When the celeb is revealed to be pioneering tranny Alexis Arquette (love her, seriously) most of the rooms seem totally inappropriate. In the end, the instantly forgettable Heather and Lisa get the boot for basically making a Chinese restaurant booth.

But the real interest comes from the venomous sparring of boorish John and mincing Michael. The two of them hate each other from the get-go and are, predictably, paired together for the assignment. It is not pretty. John makes cringe-inducing remarks about not wanting to room and be around all these "queens" (which, not to put too fine a point on it, but a) welcome to the world of interior design and b) you're not exactly Captain Butch yourself, pal, despite that bulldog mug of yours), and then he dominates Michael in a pretty brutal fashion. Michael meanwhile does a whole lot of bitching and complaining, and very little work. He gets called out for never having painted a room before, and I find that sad (I love painting rooms) and also a dumb move for someone coming on a design show. It's like when "Amazing Race" competitors don't bother to learn stick shift before going on the show. Anyway, we have our first major rivalry of the season.

And thank god for it, because the rest of the show is BOR-ING. Todd Oldham is our host, but not our judge. He's far too kind, or whatever. He's also WAY too skinny, his face too rubbery, and his delivery is painfully phony. This was a really bad hire, even worse than robotic Katie Lee Joel from "Top Chef" 1. The judges are similarly unimpressive. Head judge Jonathan Adler has at least some spark, but Kelly Wearstler perenially looks as though she smells poo on someone's shoe. Elle Decor editor Margaret Russell is supposed to be our Nina Garcia, but she's too much of a WASP to be truly bitchy. It's kind of sad.

 The previews for the rest of the season offer nothing explosive or interesting. I may tune in next week, who knows. But I'm going to make the prediction right now: an F4 of Goil (really like him), Felicia, John, and Michael. Ryan could steal Michael's place, though.

NBC's Thursday night line-up is finally good again, in a way it hasn't been since it was called "Must See TV." And while last night was no exception for laughs, a few too many blows were thrown at women throughout the evening. Let me preface this by saying that there's an angry feminist deep within me (usually I'm just a happy feminist) and tonight NBC gave her an invitation to come out.

It started with My Name is Earl, a show I'm usually quite fond of. Tonight's guest star Ernie Grunwald, playing a Frenchman named Pierre who Earl strangled back in grade school. Pierre hates America with a passion, except for one thing --- its easy women. And then there's Randy and Catalina. He admits he loves her and Joy convinces Catalina to have sex with him --- specifically, really bad sex --- to get rid of him. And she does! Only to be shocked by how good in bed he is. And while it was understandable why she wasn't attracted to an unhygienic, obese man with an IQ of about 30, we now are to believe that all it takes to win over a woman is good sex. Oh yeah, and that all women are whores.

Then previews of The Office promised strippers and I thought, "Uh-oh." Steve Carell is timid about the suggestion to get strippers (in the office) for a bachelor party because it could be considered sexual harassment until the proposal is made to get a stripper for the women, too. "Separate, but equal," recurring guest star David Koechner says, to which Carell replies, "Oh, is that what that means?"

Scrubs took on a strangely political subject (for a decidedly apolitical show): the war in Iraq. Had I not already been angered I probably wouldn't have even noticed Dr. Kelso's remark to one of the female interns: "If you want people to notice you, either get more aggressive or get more attractive." And 30 Rock had Jenna flashing her boobs to get into a party and romancing a hideously deformed Prince (played brilliantly by Paul Reubens) because, "I'm not going to be gorgeous forever --- I need someone to take care of me."
And when I thought it couldn't get any worse, the shows ended and on came a commercial for Deal or No Deal, NBC's hit "commodification of women" game show that should carry the tagline "Let's put dollar signs next to scantily clad women who will shriek with excitement the cheaper they are," and I thought to myself, "Hey, it could be a lot worse."

So I turned on ABC at 9 p.m. last night assuming that Desperate Housewives would be new, since it was a repeat last week. I found Old School playing instead! I was confused; could I be on the wrong channel? Did I only imagine it was 9 p.m.?  What's going on here people? "Winter hiatus" just ended a few weeks ago and we're already getting repeats and no-shows?

Needless to say, I was angry. I mean, I am already frustrated with the decreasing quality of the show and the increasingly cheesy plotlines (see my blog post from two weeks ago), but now it's not even on. And ABC doesn't even have a video clip of scenes for next week's episode; they just have this text-teaser:

"Mike Delfino remembers scenes from his past, problems at Scavo's Pizzeria cause conflict in Lynette and Tom's relationship, and Orson reveals his hidden past to Bree."

Boo. Seriously, boo. It's not even that enticing. Mike will probably just remember that he loved Susan (duh!), Lynette and Tom will make up by the end of the show (as always), and Orson will probably just reveal that Alma is a crazy b*tch (as if we couldn't already tell).

So is it worth even tuning in? Well, quite frankly, if I don't watch then I won't have anything to whine about Monday morning --- and that's not something I am willing to give up just yet.

It’s our “final” night of auditions (except that it’s totally not, liars) and we’re in San Antonio, Texas. There is much discussing of the Alamo and even more drawling. Also, suspiciously few assholes. Aren’t we done with this yet?

THE GOOD:

-After an extended intro sequence that seemingly never ends, Haley Scarnato, 24, finally sings. She’s quite good. A little affected --- especially in the beginning of the song --- but she does Bonnie Raitt proud with “I Can’t Make You Love Me.” She reveals that she’s a wedding band singer, and that sounds about right. Simon questions whether she has the “unique” factor, and I agree that maybe she doesn’t. But she’s pretty and talented. They’ve let through less than that. She gets a golden ticket.

-Baylie Brown might as well be spelled “R-I-N-G-E-R.” She’s 16 and from the small town of Krum, where the cows outnumber the people. But, see, she doesn’t belong in a small town. She’s a big-city girl at heart. She loves fashion! You can tell by all of her low-cut tops and sparkly pants and belts! Anyway, she’s actually a pretty damn good singer. Big voice, lots of personality. She has the look and the name to be a star. Expect to see Baylie in the Top 6.

-Jimmy McNeal, 23, has an equally big voice and has all kinds of fun while belting out “Cupid.” Simon calls him a “fun, little Ruben,” and those are two words I would never associate with the Velvet Teddy Bear. That said, the farthest I see Jimmy going is the Top 24 or whatever. He’s just not Top 12 material.

 THE “GOOD”

-Akron Watson, 23, sings Sam Cooke’s “Change is Gonna Come.” I’m so sick of that song; I feel like somebody has sung it after audition city this season. He’s OK vocally. Boring as all hell. Simon tells him so, and he successfully petitions to sing a second song, Marvin Gaye’s “Let’s Get it On” (note to Akron: these song selections are only serving to make you seem like 40 years old, seriously). It’s better, but I figured out what his issue is: he’s straining his vocal cords almost the entire time he’s singing. That can’t be good. He gets through, and is destined to become Hollywood road kill.

 -Ashlyn Carr, 18, has a great smoky voice, but incredibly crazy phrasing and diction, and ugly, ugly faces. She goes straight up into her nose on the high notes. She gets shot down, and is heartbroken. But in an unprecedented move the judges bring her back in and let her sing another song, and she gets through. The judges tell her she’ll have to work to clean up her horrible performance habits, but I like her. She’s adorable and an underdog. I wouldn’t be surprised if she makes Top 12, but is one of the first boot-ees.

THE GOOD FOR TELEVISION:

-Jasmine Holland, 22, was pushed into auditioning by her mom, and she should slap the woman straight across the face. She is crazy shy, and is beyond nasal and off-key. I don’t know if that was even a song. After the judges justifiably break out into nervous laughter and she is dismissed, she turns into a venomous little bitch while walking out the door. Her mother adds that Simon, Randy, and Paula can all kiss her ass. That’s a nice mom.

 -William Green sings “Amazing Grace” with his voice in the cellar, and slower than a funeral dirge. Paula actually looked at her watch during the audition. He has a good attitude about the whole thing (he just came with his cousin, Akron) and as he leaves, fakes being mad at the judges. It’s actually kind of adorable.

-Sandie Chavez, 21, claims that she has been singing since the age of 6 and previously performed for the Mayor of Houston, who loved her voice. She sings “Black Velvet” and hilariously puts her finger in her ear like there’s a monitor there. She doesn’t sing actual words; there is just moaning. She’s a disaster of a human being, and among the most deluded souls ever on this show.

THE BEST:

OTHER DOOR! Extended “other door” remix to Salt-n-Pepa’s “Push It.” Other Door is totally my American Idol.

Tonight: More goddamn auditions! “The Best of the Rest!” Screw you, show; give me Hollywood Week! I’m tired of these chuds.

Man. These stupid initial auditions never end. Four weeks! Eight episodes! And we've seen maybe 1/10 of the 172 people who actually made it to Hollywood. Boo! Anyway, here's "The Best of the Rest" (which translates to, "We wanted to stretch this sucker out as long as possible"):

THE GOOD:

-Tami Gosnell, 29 (isn't that against the rules?), sings "Whipping Post" and is quite good. Simon loves her. Tami scares me a little, what with the piercing directly through her bottom lip and very manly features. But her voice is wonderfully soulful --- she'll get a lot of comparisons to Janis Joplin. And also, Ellen DeGeneres, if you get my drift. Both are good things in my book.

-Paul Kim wants to represent for all male Asian singers, to repair the damage done by one Mr. William Hung. I'd add Sway from last year to that list too. He sings Shy's "If I Ever Fall in Love Again" and rocks the shit out of it for the first half (he has a very husky, low tone that I totally wasn't expecting) but kind of bobbles the high notes. Needs to work on his breath control. He won't get past Hollywood, but made a decent showing here.

-I remember Gina Glocksen from previous seasons. I liked her then, I like her now. She's got this punk-ish Joan Jett thing going, and I love me some Joan Jett. She sings "Black Velvet," and I want that song retired STAT --- it's not really a good fit for her, I think. She has a major thing for Simon. Get in line, sister. She gets through, and I can see her making Top 24, but that's it. She's just not Top 12 material.

THE "GOOD":

-Three Frisco's server girls come in on roller skates and painted up like $3 whores. They all try out together. They have individual names, but I'm not sure it matters. Heather (of course she's named Heather) is thoroughly mediocre. Ashley (of course she's named Ashley) is even moreso. Ebony (of course she's named Ebony) is freaking amazing, and needs to ditch the gimmick right-quick. Ebony is a star and must be whisked from Ashley's grasp as quickly as possible. Ashley also gets through, which is BS, and totally reveals herself to be the bitch we suspected her to be when she shoots Paula a nasty comment after Paula very kindly tries to tell her that she shouldn't wear so much makeup. (Seriously, she looks like someone punched her in the face.)

-Lakisha Jones gets through with flying colors on her bouncy version of Aretha's "Think." She's not nearly as good as everyone says she is. She totally got by on energy and performance, because the singing was not great (she didn't even attempt the power notes --- not a good sign). Lady, I know Mandisa. You are no Mandisa.

THE GOOD FOR TELEVISION:

-W.E.S. is awesome, very passionate about music and his maize satin shirt. He sings a song of his own making and quickly turns into a Will Ferrell character that Will Ferrell has yet to create.

-Alexander Nazrio is very flexible and painfully gay. He slaughters "Making Love Out of Nothing at All" and for that he is dead to me. Squeals like a pig, y'all.

-Christa Fazzino raided her drama club's wardrobe closet and decided her costume of the day would be "crazy person." Check it: Long tight-checkered shots; bright red hooker pumps; black bustierre with shiny pink inlay; asymmetrical top; clashing red wrap; faux pill hat with black veil; long black and white gloves. She's terrible and continues to waste my time.

-Sandie returns! More Sandie.

Preview of Hollywood Week: SO MUCH CRYING! I am excited.

Well, that was better. After a disastrous first episode I decided to give Bravo's new reality competition a second chance. I'm glad I did. The show still has some big problems --- the title sequence is downright lame and the judges are lifeless. That middle one --- I seriously don't even know her name --- is as worthless as a tit on a bull (TM my dad). But there were some cool designs and some shocking surprises this time around that made it worth my while.

First off, John calls a house meeting to explain why he was such an aggressive asshole last week: He is HIV positive and got a massive shot of testosterone before coming on the show, which could account for his mood swings. Mmmm, yeah. Not buying it. I've no doubt that a testosterone shot could make him crazy edgy, but he's clearly an asshole through and through. This little proclomation was designed to engender pity and offer a half-assed excuse for his behavior. Failed on both counts for me. His behavior throughout this episode continued to paint him as a petty, spiteful bully.

And a shitty designer too. The challenge was to create a bedroom for a mystery client. Halfway through the process the designers got a curveball --- the clients are actually 10 years old. This left many of the contestants scrambling, and some of them did a bang-up job. Goil, my fave, made a really cool, modular, interactive room that I would have loved as a 10-year-old. Erik (who?) made a pirate-themed room that, while gimmicky, absolutely rocked. He needs a job on "Survivor" or something. Carisa's jungle-themed room had some cool elements --- the hanging ropes, the desk adjoined to the bed --- but wasn't quite there.

Other designers had some big problems. A number of the rooms were way too old for kids (Felicia, Matt), and a couple were downright dogs. Total poseur Ryan painted this half-assed wave concept on the wall, and then built this impossibly tall bed, catwalk, and cat post all in bright pink. John went overbudget and didn't even do a floor (!) and his room looked half-finished, at best, without any clear concept. But the real dog of the bunch was Michael's atrocity, which seemed designed more for a 90-year-old than a 9-year-old. A sad blue/green tone. Old books on a shelf. A bud vase filled with cheap fake flowers. A "Home Sweet Home" cross-stitch pillow. *Shudder*

In the end John got the boot, which surprised me for two reasons: 1) He was shaping up to be the villain of the piece and 2) As unfinished as John's was, Michael's was way worse. I'd rather have a half-finished room with some kind of perspective than the old folks home rehash Michael put out. But Michael and Ryan seem ready to pick up the asshole mantle, so I'm sure it'll work out anyhow.

"Survivor" is back, this time without the cringe-inducing racial separation motif. The new season (its 14th) is set in Fiji and kicked off with 20 castmembers, but one literally bailed before the contestants got into their boats and the cameras started rolling. Wuss. After that things got even stranger, as know-it-all host Jeff Probst didn't make an appearance until Day 2's first immunity challenge. In the meantime, all 19 survivors worked together to use provided materials and a site plan to build an elaborate hut, complete with kitchen, bathroom, and all sorts of amenities. This is kind of high life is previously unheard of on the show. At the challenge the group's "leader" was identified as architect Sylvia (by default, really, as she used her professional skills to organize the hut building) and she singlehandedly was responsible for separating the remaining 18 castaways into two groups of nine. At the challenge the green group --- sorry, don't remember stupid tribal names --- beat the orange group due to orange's sucky puzzle skills. And then the other shoe finally drops: Winning team gets immunity and goes back to its swank pad; losing team goes to tribal council and gets shunted to a barren beach where they'll find one pot for cooking, one machete, and that's it. It's the exact kind of goofy thing series creator Mark Burnett is pulling on "Apprentice" this season. And while it fits better here, it's still kind of silly. Meanwhile, Sylvia got booted to exile island, which this season is covered in poisonous water snakes. Pleasant. Her clue to the hidden immunity idol is a bit of a boner, as it tells her it's back at camp. And since there are two hidden idols this season (a good idea, really), that likely means there's one at both camps.

Nineteen players is too much. I don't think half the cast even got a single confessional. I got a vibe from maybe five people this episode --- cocky Bostonite Rocky (who apparently has like three different names), former homeless person Dreamz (lots of Flavor of Love-style nicknames this season), irritating and entitled Erica, completely awesome older gentleman Yau Man, and dippy Jessica, who gets the first boot due to her sucking at the challenge. She will not be missed. The most hilarious part of the exercise is that Rocky, Erica, and Jessica formed an "alliance" and when the three decided seemingly innocuous Rita (who's the sister of Uncle Nick from Season 2 of "Project Runway," incidentally) was getting the boot, they just wiped their hands and said "that's that." Perhaps you need to refresh your math skills, geniuses, since that'd be three votes for your side, six for the other. So stupid. Rocky initially makes a big deal of telling Jessica that he'd always tell her if she was on the block, and expects the same, and then...doesn't. Rocky is a snake already, which means we'll be seeing him for a while.

Other notable castaways: Big Gary seems like a kinder, gentler version of Big Tom from "Outback"; Cassandra reminds me an awful lot of Cirie from a few seasons ago (which is a good thing); I suspect Sylvia will be an early casualty --- she grates and has outlived her usefulness; and we have a cadre of hotties to choose from, between lawyer Alex, charming Edgardo, gorgeous Mookie, and meathead Boo. Unfortunately, the clips from next episode show Boo to be somewhat accident prone, and this concerns me deeply. In any event, I'm firmly on team Yau Man, although it's highly doubtful he will actually win. But boy is he cool!

I must admit that before "30 Rock" I was pretty ambivalent about Alec Baldwin. I always thought he was a good actor, but nothing extraordinary. But I was intrigued when I found he would be on Tina Fey's new show, because I always thought that the best thing he'd ever done was the "sweaty balls" skit on "Saturday Night Live."

Now, I am in LOVE with Alec Baldwin. He is really the one thing that keeps bringing me back to "30 Rock," which is an admittedly on-again, off-again show (but when it is on, it is ON). I now believe that Alec Baldwin is damn funny --- no, scratch that --- Alec Baldwin is a comedic genius. The man deserves every award he has won this year, and every award he hasn't.

I really didn't think that anything could make me love Alec Baldwin's character anymore than I already do, but throw in a dash of Isabella Rossellini and you have the recipe for the perfect dish. Baldwin and Rossellini have more chemistry than any on-screen couple in history. God, they are hot! She joined the show last week and boy, do I hope she stays!

Anyway, the rest of Thursday night's lineup was as hit or miss as "30 Rock" can sometimes be. "The Office" was a definite hit, as always, but "My Name is Earl" and "Scrubs" left a little something to be desired --- hell, they left a LOT to be desired. But kudos to "The Office" and "30 Rock" tonight for casting "curvy" actresses whose size didn't play into their roles. Does this mean we are finally over fat jokes? Damn, spoke too soon: here comes a commercial for Norbit, which comes out today, hopefully playing in an empty theater near you.

I feel like jumping off the couch and dancing a jig. "Desperate Housewives" is actually fun again. I cannot remember the last time an episode left me wanting more without feeling angry or tricked. Yes, it's still soap opera-ish and a wee bit over the top, but we'll work on that next.

My only quip is that they ended with the all too clichéd "To Be Continued." Duh, right? Like we thought after Orson fell off the building that he would be left floating in space, indefinitely, without hitting the ground? It just seemed unnecessary. Other than that, great mysteries abound!

What did Orson tell Bree in the bedroom? How much did Andrew hear? And the way Andrew stood up for ol' mom at the end? So glad that "Bad-rew" is back!

And Zach, you sneaky bastard! Gaby has become one of the strongest characters on the show (after being arguably the weakest for the first two seasons) and she's being wooed and tricked by Zach Young. He's creepy, but I can't help but root for the kid.

Tom and Lynette even provided a bit of suspense; could this pizzeria ruin their marriage? Tom says no, as long as Lynette checks her metaphorical balls at the door. But frankly, I don't think she's capable.

Mike finally remembered that he didn't kill Monique and that (no surprise here) Orson is somehow involved. Susan and Ian --- Yawn --- but kudos to the writers for the rest. The "Desperate Housewives" I have been so desperately craving is back. More mystery: how long can they keep this going?

Last week's awesome episode was a lot to live up to. And, well, this one didn't. Mostly because half of the storylines featured snore generators Matt and Mohinder. But we did have some great moments. Let's dig in.

-JESSICA! I love me an evil woman who can kick my ass. Just turns my crank. And Ali Larter is doing a great job playing what has turned out to be a pretty difficult part. Evil twins are done all the time on daytime soaps, so she's not exactly reinventing the wheel here. But she's able to signal exactly which half of her character she's currently embodying through body language, voice intonation, even static facial expressions. I think she's just terrific. I expected the Jessica-working-for-Linderman thing to take a while to get started, but we jump right into the action as she's assigned to whack Linderman's sleazy lawyer. Trouble is, Matt --- now a bodyguard --- has been hired to protect the slug. Matt and Jessica throw down and, sadly, Jessica fails to kill him. She tries her best, throwing his ass out a fairly high window. But the lucky bastard lives. Boo. I am tired of boring Matt and never want to see his lying, awful cow of a wife again. I was really jonesing for some hero blood.

 -We did get some death, though, just not a hero we knew. Mohinder has finally embraced his father's work and is trying to contact all the people on The List who he suspects may have powers. He gets a call back from some dude, whom he goes to visit. Trouble is, Sylar must have seen the list at some point too (or...maybe Papa Suresh isn't as dead as we thought, and is working with Sylar) and he shows up first. The new guy can take solid objects and turn them into liquid. I was watching with friends and there was some discussion about exactly what he can do --- is he just melting things, or are we talking molecular destabilization? My guess is the latter; the melting power is kind of silly and a little redundant given the existance of Hot Mama. Anyway, Sylar eats some brains, get the powers, and when Mohinder comes for a visit, pretends to be the guy he just killed. The two team up to go track down people from The List. Pairing him up with Sylar might be the only thing that could make Mohinder even remotely interesting, so I applaud the decision. I would clap even louder if Sylar ate his brain.

-Speaking of Sylar, I have a prediction: I was discussing with my friend how Sylar's powers work. His ability is to understand how things work. So I suspect he eats the brains so that he can have access to the neurochemicals that allow the various heroes to do what they do. That means that Sylar must be creating all of these chemicals in his body at once, and that's a LOT for one body to manage. I bet he's going to end up burning out his body extremely fast (for any X-Men fans out there, think Proteus). That makes his quest for Claire's powers more crucial for him, and also gives him a weakness he desperately needs. Otherwise he's practically unstoppable. Anyway, just a guess.

-Claire's storyline continues to be the most compelling on the show (Nikki/Jessica being  No. 2), and watching her face as she eavesdropped on Hot Mama and her Fly Daddy talking about how essentially neither wants anything to do with her was absolutely heartbreaking. Hayden is such a good little actress! (And that hair! I don't care if it's extensions!) Hot Mama is a stone-cold mother, and I love her. I'm not sure how I feel about Nathan as the dad --- they did a very poor job explaining how the two of them initially connected --- but Claire hurling a rock at his limo seems like a perfectly sensible reaction to me. And why do I suspect that camera phone shot will somehow end up in Peter's hands...

-Hiro. Needs. To. Get. Going. He's a great character, but I'm totally over these stupid side quests and stop-offs. This episode he makes it to Las Vegas only to have Ando draft him into helping a showgirl named Hope. She needs help getting her bag back from her abusive boyfriend, and Ando is only too happy to help. Ando needs to get laid, badly. Hiro spends the episodes whining until he overhears Hope telling someone on the phone how she played them for patsies. He confronts her and sister knocks him out cold. (Is she super-strong? Interesting possibility; suggests that more than one person can have the same power, since that's Jessica's deal.) Meanwhile his Sancho Panza gets the bag but sacrifices by having to look at a naked Bill Fagerbakke from "Coach." *Shudder* In the end he goes off with Hope and Hiro is stuck in the closet. That's not a euphamism. I don't think.

Next week "someone flies, someone dies." NBC needs to lay off those stupid teaser slogans. That one's pretty lame. I'm putting money on Isaac being the hero that bites it at the hands (er, teeth) of Sylar. Maybe that will give him Pantene Pro-Beautiful hair along with the ability to see the future?

So let me get this straight: I’ve spent the last four weeks watching assholes who can’t sing, and now that we’re to the part where people who can sing are fighting for survival the producers cram it into one episode? How does that even make sense? Freaking “Idol.” Anyway, it’s Hollywood Week, my favorite time of the year. We start with 172. We end with 40. Let the slaughtering of dreams begin!

CANNON FODDER:

-The military contingent of Marine Jarrod Fowler and Army servicewoman Rachel Jenkins (both tried out in Minneapolis) are cut quickly, which gives me great pleasure. They were both mediocre, and I feared that sentimentality might have unfairly swayed votes their way *cough*Josh Gracin*cough*.

-Ashlyn Carr’s (San Antonio) second chance did not materialize into a third, and she’s booted after Round 1.

 -I’m thrilled to report that Sarah Burgess (New York), the 5’6” sack of bullshit who wept over her made-up story about an unsupportive dad, got the boot almost immediately. Yea!

 -Perla Meneses (Minneapolis) got by the first round on personality alone (I guess obnoxious and grating are good qualities?), but was exposed as the joke she is during groups when she blew her harmonies and lyrics, and made goofy faces. Good riddance to bad rubbish.

-Some girl named Nicole Turner wastes seeming hours of my life as she complains to the judges after being cut that she didn’t sing the song she wanted --- her mom made her choose a different song. Well, she’s only 27. She can’t be expected to make her own choices, people. And guess what? Mom came along, and goes out on stage to plead with the judges. Simon literally walks away. I wish I could have too. Idiots.

COULD’A BEEN CONTENDERS:

-I was seriously stunned to see Jordy Steinberg (New York) bounced in Round 1. I had her as a ringer for Top 12. I blame her choice of an Anastasia song. Who sings that?

 -Tiny gay-in-training Matt Sato’s huge pimple cleared up after his initial audition in Minneapolis. Unfortunately, his affectations have not. He gets through Round 1 and once again calls him mom on the cell and sobs. This is becoming a habit, and a bad one. He actually says, “She never says she loves me, either.” Oh, Matt. You are a drama queen, and you need to spend the next several years in family therapy, not auditioning for “American Idol.” To help him with those pursuits, he is bounced after sucking wind in group rounds.

 -The Ballad of Baylie Brown. This was the shocker of the night for me. The 16-year-old small-town fashionista (San Antonio) aced the first solo round, but for groups made the disastrous choice to align with the Coven of the Damned, a.k.a. New Jersey Mean Girls Amanda and Antonella (New York). The sniping started immediately, with Antonella dishing most of it to her supposed BFF (love it!) In a move that shocked no one, Amanda was revealed to be the bitch we all knew her to be by abandoning her struggling group during practice so she could flirt with boys. At the actual performance, Baylie blows it, forgetting her words, everything. She’s cut. Amanda says it’s “because god likes good people.” She is a hateful bitch and she does get cut in the end, but I’m sad about Baylie. She had Top 6 written all over her.

MOVING ON:

It was tough to see exactly who made it through to Wednesday’s Top 40 episode (a.k.a. The Chair, where the judges pick the Top 24). But the ones we did see include:

 -Jack Osbourne lookalike Chris Sligh (Buckingham) and beatboxer Blake Lewis (Seattle), who are pretty sure things for Top 12. Blake is the leading contender right now.

 -Adorable faux punkster Gina Glocksen, who survived singing with Perla, and should win the title for that alone.

 -Matt Buckstein, my Hollywood crush from last year, now free of the discordant Pocket Cowboy.

 -Antonella, but not Amanda! HA HA! I really think we can save this one, guys.

 -Sunjaya (Seattle), but not his sister Shyamali, which is very sad to me.

 -Tami Gosnell, the, er, handsome Janis Joplin-esque singer from the “Best of the Rest” episode.

 -Sundance Head. Let me tell you this right now: Sundance is my new Taylor Hicks. The “Idol” producers are forcing him on me, and I feel violated. There’s no way he should have made it through Hollywood. He blew his Round 1 solo and was atrocious during groups, screaming off-key and looking like a stuck pig. For reasons that escape me he has been appointed the “pimp-ee” of the season, and he is destined for Top 12. But y’all, he is not good. He is full of himself. And he is not commercial. They clearly think he’s the new Taylor Hicks. And you know where Taylor’s album is? It’s in the toilet. Learn from that, America. Let’s not repeat our mistakes. Vote “No” on Sundance Head in 2007. It’s up to you.

MISSING IN ACTION:

New York auditioners Jenry Bejarano (he of the model looks, sweet demeanor, and decent voice), Christopher Richardson (watered-down JT), and Rachel Zevita (irritating opera girl), plus Alaina Alexander, the seeming ringer from LA, and Ebony, the amazing rollerskating server girl. Hopefully we’ll learn their fates tonight.

We must get to 24, 12 guys and 12 girls. How do we do it? By destroying 16 more dreams. Let's go!

THE CUTS:
A bunch of people we never met, plus:

Anna Kearns, the incredibly tall girl, who seems really put out by being cut, even though she admits that
she's not that good a singer. Apparently being really tall is, like, her entire existence. Sad.

Tami Gosnell, the, um, "sporty" lass who wowed us in the "Best of the Rest" episode. Apparenly she is not among the best of the rest.

Thomas Lowe was getting some buzz online, but does not advance.

Cowboy Matthew Buckstein got cut AGAIN! Dammit!

Afro'd soul singer Tommy Daniels is the final guy cut. He was good, but this what you get when you mix the "glug-glug" with the "vroom-vroom," Tommy. He's kind of an ass about the cut.

THE TOP 24:
GUYS:
-Phil Stacy, he of the bald head and the missing his child's birth to try out for the show.
-Jared Cotter, he of the never-seen auditions and high degree of narcissism.
-Chris Sligh, he of the poodle hair, just OK voice, and crazy charisma.
-Nicholas Pedro, he of the karaoke voice, too many chances, and unjustifiable spot in the Top 24. 
-Brandon Rogers, he of the former back-up singing and very nice smile.
-Sundance Head, he of the screaming, the fatness, and the source of my intense hatred. 
-Rudy Cardenas, he of the sweet voice but pinched face.
-AJ Tabaldo, he of the never-seen auditions and destiny of first bootee.
-Paul Kim, he of the problem skin and goofy performance rituals.
-Chris Richardson, he of the studly looks but annoying JT-lite falsetto.
-Blake Lewis, he of the beatboxing and very good shot at the finals.
-Sanjaya Malakar, he of the eliminated sister and the adorable personality (but questionable vocals).

THE GIRLS:
-Antonella Barba, of the New Jersey Mean Girls, who is already on her road to rehabilitation. 
-Haylie Scarnato, who sounded awful in Hollywood and failed to make any impression. 
-Lakisha Jones, who totally stole my heart in Hollywood (I apologize for my previous unflattering Mandisa comparisons; go Lakisha!)
-Jordan Sparks, the second coming of Kimberly Caldwell.
-Stephanie Edwards, who I don't know and don't care to know. GONE!
-Melinda  Doolittle, the other former back-up singer who kind of looks 40 and really needs to work on that.
-Alaina Alexander, who sounded awful in Hollywood but is gorgeous and desperately needs to step it up.
-Gina Glocksen, the faux-punker who's not a great singer, but has an infectious attitude.
-Amy Krebs, who we've never met and sounded like crap in the Hollywood clip. GONE!
-Leslie Hunt, who we've never met and has a deep, smoky voice and is clearly a spazz. I kind of lover her, but GONE! 
-Sabrina Sloan, who we've never seen but blew my socks off in that Hollywood clip.
-Nicole Tranquillo, who I...think we've met before, but I'm not sure, which means she is boring. And GONE!

Given that people who have barely been shown before always get picked off first, next week expect the departures of AJ and Jared for the boys (barring Sanjaya royally sucking --- he's at risk) and any number of the previously unseen women: Nicole, Sabrina, Leslie, Amy, Stephanie and possibly Haylie (I seriously cannot remember if we've seen her or not). Even money on Leslie and Amy or Nicole being the first to go.

My favorite sitcom needs to get some momentum back. Last night's episode was OK. There were some outstanding moments, in fact --- Michael vs. college, the office vs. the bat --- but overall things are becoming formulaic. I guess that's to be expected from a sitcom. But from "The Office," I expect better.

The Michael Arc is particularly getting tedious. Every episode he starts out clueless and then ramps up into painfully inappropriate. (Last night's example: his diatribe about how college professors/students don't know anything about business, since they're trapped in their ivory and --- pointing to the black professor --- ebony towers.) But then he always does something redeeming in the last five minutes to prevent you from hating the guy completely. Last night was his touching moment with Pam at the Worst Art Show Ever.

Speaking of Pam, of course she's back with Roy. Who didn't see that one coming? Credit to David Denman, who has been spending the season repenting for his previous offenses as Oafish Boyfriend No. 1. But once he gets Pam back he almost immediately starts backsliding into old Roy territory. It'll just make it easier for Jim and Pam to get together in the season finale, which really kind of has to happen at this point. (Especially since Rashida Jones, who plays Jim's girflriend Karen, is off the show next year.)

My favorite parts of the show are always the various background characters. Forget the leads; I'd watch a show starring just Angela, Phyllis, Creed, Meredith, and Oscar. Last night they were in fine form, as a bat infiltrated Dunder-Mifflin. Tough to decide best scene of the night: Angela with a rain bonnet on her head freaking out over poop coming from the ceiling, Creed's over-eager acceptance of Dwight's plan to "align" to destroy the bat, or Dwight coming at Meredith with a black garbage bag to capture the bat stuck in her hair. Oh, who am I kidding? Meredith takes it by a mile. She's a good screamer!

So it turns out Orson is a good guy after all. Tonight's Desperate Housewives ended on a happy note for the first time in, well, forever. And the result? Serious unease. With no mystery left to solve in the show right now, there's not much to look forward to, so I guess it's good that the show's not on again for two weeks. And the writers better introduce some new drama --- fast.

I mean, c'mon! Lynette and Tom are happy; the pizzeria is a success and they're madly in love. Gaby found out she didn't sleep with Zach and gave him the kiss off, and it's obvious Carlos still loves her (and she him). Susan and Ian got engaged. Why is everyone riding off into the sunset with several episodes left in the season?

The only drama introduced tonight was the engagement ring Ian found in Mike's old belongings. So Mike was going to propose to Susan before his coma; duh!

Next week's scenes don't even show much promise. Ooh...Danielle claims she's pregnant. Does anyone honestly care about Danielle? Julie and Austin kissing --- yawn. Oh, and Ian wants to rush the wedding. Big drama! We all know Susan and Ian won't last anyway, so let him rush along the break up. Gaby's going to meet a new flame; yes, he's a fave character actor of mine from Sex and the City and Ed, but I'll ask again: where's the drama people?

Last week they finally created some intrigue, and now within one episode they've already squashed it. If I wanted a happy ending I'd watch something else.

And we're off! Last night kicked off the new edition of "The Amazing Race," the first all-star season for the race around the world. Producers did a good job bringing some popular teams --- Ozzy and Danny, Kevin and Drew, Rob and Amber, Charla and Mirna, Team Guido --- but also selected a couple quizzical choices. The first leg took our racers from Miami, Florida, to Quito, Ecuador. Like most first episodes, too much was going on to get a really good sense of what was happening. But there were a couple notable developments:

-Rob & Amber shot out ahead fast and kept everyone else in their dust. Love them or hate them (and I love them), these "Survivor" alums are serious competitors. It'd be easy to dismiss Amber as merely Rob's tagalong, but when you watch them you can see these are equals who legitimately love and respect one another. They are undoubtedly the team to beat.

-Danny & Oswald had a surprisingly awesome leg, coming in second. Team Cha-Cha-Cha is back! Danny's delightful sense of humor is already starting to surface again, and they seem a lot more mature than the last go around. Here's hoping they can keep the energy level up, as they have a tendency to get self-defeated.

-Strong showings from "villain" teams Teri & Ian and Team Guido. These are the oldest racers out there but only a fool would discount them. These four people have a LOT of drive and I expect them to steamroll a good deal of the younger competitors.

-Season 10's David & Mary and Season 5's Charla & Mirna have apparently learned nothing since the first time they raced, as both teams made boneheaded moves. They don't think, they just ACT. That could cost them later.

-Jon Vito & Jill, the adorable couple from Season 3, got the boot first. They started out strong but got bad directions in Ecuador, and ended up hours behind any other team, even the visibly struggling Kevin & Drew (the Bald Snark might not be long for this world). It's sad, because I like these two. I was really pulling for Eric & Danielle, the amalgam from Season 9, to go first as I have no interest in either of them. But them's the breaks.

 One thing: The rumor mill had it all but locked down that Colin & Christie would be in this race. Where are they? Colin & Christie v. Rob & Amber would have been amazing. As it stands, I don't know who among these teams have any real hope of taking Rob & Amber down. Maybe the BQs?

YAY! I was so excited by the end of this episode, in which the most boring storylines of the season all got majorly ratcheted up. There are very few characters I'm uninterested in anymore. Let's dissect, but first know this: SPOILERS ABOUND. If you haven't seen the episode but plan to, read at your own risk.

-Simone is dead! I was getting sick of her holier-than-thou attitude, and now she has the physical holes to match (bad pun, but I couldn't resist). As I've said from the beginning, Simone's entire purpose on this show was to die. She is the Gwen Stacy to Peter's Spider-Man. She was a plot device to strengthen Peter's ambition to do the right thing. Sorry, but it's true. I just never imagined she'd go out in such an awesome way, shot by her own ex-lover (Isaac was firing wildly to take out invisible Peter, who confronted Isaac about selling him and Invisible Jackass to Bennett's goon squad). There's a chance that maybe Simone will have some stupid power, like coming back from the dead or something. But here's hoping she really is worm food. It's her only point.

-Matt finally does something! Unfortunately, it is not kicking his cow of a wife out of their house. He can do NOTHING to please this woman. And I get that "stealing" the diamonds (they were technically offered to him...) is maybe not the smartest move, but who else is going to get them? First he's too goody two-shoes for him, now he's a screw-up. I just hate her guts. Anyway, Matt is called to a midnight meeting by Radiation Roy (I'd completely forgotten they knew each other) where he joins up with our new hero, Wireless, the walking Blackberry. I'm not convinced that she's not working for Bennett or something even shadier --- she has a LOT of info, and has that spy look about her --- but the three form a Band of Losers and in the end break into Bennett's house. I guess Mr. Mindwipe is going to be awfully busy next episode!

-Claire Bear continues to do the dramatic heavy lifting on the show, as this episode her adoptive mom has a full-on brain hemorrage ostensibly brought on by too many mindwipes. Sad. I really like her mom. She recovers, but Claire has had it and lays everything on the table for Mr. Bennett --- she knows who she is, who he is, and what he's done to their family. And she ain't havin' it! The fam returns home as Loser Squad busts in, so we'll see where this goes next week. But I am convinced that regardless of what Bennett has been doing behind the scenes with other heroes, he legitimately is trying to protect Claire and his family. So this is killing me. I'm also curious about when he'll hip to Mr. Mindwipe lying to him about wiping Claire. That should be a fun conversation.

-Mohinder and Sylar --- who is pretending to be the hero he killed last episode --- track down another name from the list, a mechanic with super hearing. This storyline is delicious, and Mohinder --- the most clueless scientist EVER --- is going to crap himself when he realizes that he's basically chauffering the super-powered serial killer who offed his dad to more super-powered brains. It seems he might be getting the hint that "Zane" isn't quite all there prior to going to their hotel rooms, not to mention his "spells" when they find the mechanic's body the morning after, but Mohinder is as dense as he is pretty and nothing comes of it. Sylar gets a super-hearing snack, and at first I kept wondering why on earth he would want what on the surface appears to be a fairly irritating power to have. And then while Inviso Pete and Isaac fought, it hit me: Super-hearing cancels out invisibility. It levels the playing field. It's another case of a character being nothing more than a plot device (SIMONE), but in this case, I love it.

-Hiro and Bill Fagerbakke track down the apparently non-powered Hope and Ando, and a firefight breaks out. Ando gets hit in the shoulder and Hiro realizes he can't live with Ando's blood on his hands. He breaks up with his platonic life partner, and Stan Lee (really) drives him off to Linderman. I hope. Get this plotline moving already! I sincerely doubt we've seen the last of Ando --- he is the squire on Hiro's knight's quest --- and I'm also hopeful that Hiro's powers fully come back. He used them again this episode when Hope was about to blow his head off, reversing time to send the bullet back into the gun.

-Finally, Nathan appears briefly as Simone (prior to her shooting) tries to convince him to go public with his powers and the news of the heroes in an effort to track down Peter. Nathan does not respond well to this suggestion, as you might imagine. He tells her that the minute the public finds out they exist they'll be hunted down and burned at the stake. It's what he would do, he says. But I'm betting that at the end of the season, the news about the heroes does come out. That's the cliffhanger. It would totally change the series, kicking it into the next level. And the big NY showdown with Pete and the rest of the characters would certainly grab some media attention. You read it here first, y'all.

Last Thursday's episode of Grey's Anatomy gave true meaning to the phrase edge-of-your-seat entertainment. Who could have predicted what happened to Meredith, and what was the deal with the little girl?

My prediction about Izzy's situation was totally wrong. Not only did she save the guy stuck under a car, but she performed major surgery using an unsanitary drill and scalpel. This was the only aspect of the episode that struck me as completely phony and unrealistic.

George made yet another false promise to a patient, this time a mother in search of her lost son. George assured the woman prior to her surgery that he had found her son alive and well, when in reality he didn't know where to begin looking. George  eventually found the young boy in surgery, being worked on by his new wife, Callie.

Burke and Christina continued to argue over Burke's disclosure of their engagement to McDreamy. And thanks to McSteamy's evesdropping, the chief now knows as well. I mean, hello, there is a mass casualty event taking place! The last thing Seattle's most brilliant medical minds need to be worried about is the engagement of those two.

I stated a few weeks ago that the fire that is Addison and Alex has been ignited and nothing is putting it out. Alex made that apparent when he made the point to Addison "If you went missing, I would notice." I think I speak for many in saying, who wouldn't notice? She is slowly becoming the most likeable lady on the show.

And then, the Meredith situation. Mer spent the entire episode sinking in the icy waters, and she was finally fished out was totally unresponsive and, well, blue. I'm certain that she will not be killed off --- she's the main character of the series! However, I have to say if she does die, I won't be disappointed. Sad, but not disappointed.

Rudy Cardenas is up first, and for reasons known only to himself, he selects to sing the Edgar Winter Group's "Free Ride." The problem here is, the song requires soul. I'm not sure Rudy comes equipped with that feature. His voice is very much like him: plain, thin, reedy. Also, shouty. It's very karaoke, and there's nothing "star" about the performance at all. Randy calls it "corny." I think that sums it up.

Brandon Rogers performs MJ's "Rock With You." He's holding back. I don't know if he's not used to being the star attraction or what, but he's not blowing me away. I want more. Randy tells him to scale back the melisma, but I'm not sure that's the problem. Looks like a million bucks, though.

Sundance f**king Head is up next, and hilariously sings the cheesy Moody Blues' even cheesier "Nights in White Satin." He's totally better than his atrocious Hollywood performances, but it's still pretty awful. He doesn't connect with the band. He's off-key throughout. The actual performance is amateur night all the way. Also: BORING. At the end Simon pointedly says, "I don't like you tonight." HA! He looks broken. Not coincidentally, Sundance is the current choice at votefortheworst.com. I'm not sure I agree; I'd give it to Rudy. But expect to see Sundance for a while. Dammit.

Paul Kim chooses WHAM!'s "Careless Whisper." In theory it's not a bad match for his smoky voice. In practice, it's both too low (the beginning) and too high (the end) for his slight range. He tries way too hard in the middle of the song and his hand gestures are straight out of a 1992 episode of "Yo! MTV Raps." Embarrassing. Paul also desperately needs to work on that skin. Yikes!

Chris Richardson could also join him in the Pro-Activ club. I bet the stress is getting to him. He's still hella cute, though. Unfortunately, he deigns to sing Gavin DeGraw's "I Don't Want to Be." The disconnect is palpable. Here's a guy who basically sings like Minnie Mouse taking on a "rocker" song. He needs to work on song choice; actually, almost all of these guys do. He should take on poppier songs, as his high, tiny voice just isn't made for songs this big. It comes off as whining rather than an anthem. Randy gives him props for taking liberties with the song, and at least that's true.

Nick Pedro dozes his way through Richard Marx's "I Will Be Your Man." If that is not the most wussified sentence in the history of the English language, I don't know what is. It's fairly serviceable --- super-affected, flat in parts, but he gets better in the middle. It's just dull. Simon says he'll get through because he's a "charming guy." That is a lie. Nick is like the antithesis of charming. He's a cipher.

Blake Lewis takes a stab at one of my favorite songs, Keane's "Somewhere Only We Know." On first pass I thought it was OK. On the playback, not so much. He's got tempo problems, bobbles a couple words, and totally blows the falsetto in the chorus. Still, it ends up better than half the boys. (Damning with feint praise.) In a move that left me cringing, Randy encourages him to work his beatboxing skillz into every song. No, Randy. No. I don't want to be watching Broadway week and have Blake bust out goofy mouth sounds in the middle "Nobody's Gonna Rain on My Parade." (Actually, I take that back; that would be awesome.) I love Blake, but he needs to focus on vocals. His voice is not there yet, but could be if he works on it.

And then, Sanjaya Malakar. Look, I like Sanjaya. He's a sweet kid. But as a performer he is an enigma to me. He comes out singing a Stevie song I'm not familiar with and just kind of throws it out there. I've never seen a more laid back, disconnected performance on the show. It's like he has headphones on and is only half-singing. He's crucified by the judges (Paula's tips: you're 17 and will get better with age. Well, that's useful) but Simon tells him he'll get votes for his hair, which Sanjaya responds to with a perky "Thank you!" and the two trade styling compliments. Hilarious. Like I said, I like Sanjaya. But it behooves us all to realize that he's not a legitimate candidate and is getting through only for the "cute" factor. Think Kevin Covais, but in a '70s Tiger Beat idol way.

Chris Sligh picks a song I've never heard, but he rocks it. Best song selection of the night. He's all kinds of fun and commands the stage. Simon argues that he's not here because of his vocals. That's accurate, as his performance would not be out of place at a high school talent show. But who cares? Many, many other Idols have gotten through on looks alone. So now Chris is getting through on decent vocals and mondo personality. I'll take that. But every time I vote for him, I can't help but feel like I'm voting for Rolf from the Muppets...

Jared Cotter, the first of our "Who?" contestants, sings Brian McKnight's "Back at One." He's flat across the board and mugs unapologetically for the camera. Sings through his nose the whole time. His worst offense: Jared is not as cute as he thinks he is. To his credit he takes the criticism well. And he is surely not the worst of the night (RUDY; SUNDANCE).

I was prepared to totally write off A.J. Tabaldo --- the other "Who?" candidate --- as this year's Bobby Bennett. And yet, he was a hell of a lot of fun. He picks a song I don't know, and there is a lot of swish on the stage. But he has a really good time out there, which is more than any of his other competitors. He actually had a pulse! The vocal wasn't bad, either. Simon calls it "theme park," and that's accurate, but I hope he gets through. He's got a lot working against him but I'd put him in my Top 4 of the night.

Finally, Phil "Nosferatu" Stacy sings Edwin McCain's "I Could Not Ask for More." The beginning is atrocious --- he really cannot start a song to save his life. Once he gets to the chorus he just stars shouting. Randy loves it and calls it the best vocal of the night and NO F'ING WAY!!! I mean, I know loud is the new good. But you have GOT to be kidding me. Blech.

Predictions: Jared, Paul, Nick, Sanjaya and A.J. (boo!) are all in trouble. Jared goes home, along with, oh, let's say Nick or Paul. (Sanjaya will get lots of sympathy votes.)  Rudy should go home, but he won't.

The cast of the fourth season of "Dancing With the Stars" has been released. And...well, it's underwhelming. Where's the beefcake?!

The big name is Heather Mills, formerly known as Mrs. Paul McCartney, who will be the first contestant with an aartifical limb, but not the first contestant going through a nasty divorce (see: Evans, Sara).

Lots of sports folks, including Olympic speed skater Apolo Ohno, boxer Laila Ali, and ex-basketballer Clyde Drexler.

C-list celebs include Vincent "Big Pussy" Pastore (his second reality show, after his disastrous run on "Celebrity Fit Club"), Billy Ray Cyrus, Leeza Gibbons, Joey "Fat One" Fatone of 'NSync, ex-Miss USA Shandi Finnessey, and fulfilling his TV craporama destiny, Ian Ziering from "Beverly Hills 90210."

The only person I'm actually jazzed about is 80s supermodel Paulina Porizkova, made famous by The Cars' video "You Might Think" and then later as wife of Cars' lead singer Rick Ocasek, giving hope to nerds everywhere. Go, Paulina!

The new season starts March 19 in its new Monday timeslot, the better to avoid being swallowed whole by the "American Idol" juggernaut.

Holy. Crap. Last night the guys sucked like Hoovers, with even the best performances coming off decent at best. Tonight the girls owned it, as nearly half of them were amazing. It irks me that there are at least eight girls better than any one of those men, and we’ll have to lose at least two of them due to the stupid rules. Anyway, on with the show.

Stephanie Edwards, where have you been all my life? My god, she is a revelation. This is the first we’ve ever seen of her --- why did they keep this woman hidden away? She sings a song I don’t know, but she sings the hell out of it. There’s no oversinging (a habit in this competition), she’s got personality in spades --- it’s so light and fresh! Shades of LaToya London. She is gorgeous and I want to have her babies.

Amy Krebs needs to keep her hair straight. It’s much more flattering. She tries on Bonnie Raitt’s “I Can’t Make You Love Me,” and finds that the lows are too low for her. She really scrapes the bottom of her range and gets off-key in parts. When she doesn’t know what to do she throws in useless runs. She’s not great, but she’s OK. She needed to be great to overcome the WHO? Factor.

Leslie Hunt sings “Natural Woman,” which Randy ascribes to Aretha but I always think of Carole King. She actually sings it pretty well. She has a unique, smoky voice. She’s a bit of a spazz, but that worked for this song. The judges were too harsh on her, I think.

Sabrina Sloan sings some song I don’t know, but she sings it really goddamn well. She reminds me of my beloved Vonzell Solomon. She’s got a great upper register. Clear, effortless. Little flat on the last note, which may cost her a bit. But she was great! This is going to be very hard, picking between these women.

Or maybe not. Antonella Barba already has most of America’s ire after her antics with her useless bitch of a best friend in Hollywood. She sings the equally useless Aerosmith song “I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing.” I don’t know what she was thinking picking this song --- it swallows her whole, and she’s flat to boot. It’s amateur hour compared to the first four. Bye, Antonella!

Jordin Sparks comes on with “Give Me One Reason” by Traci Chapman. Look, I love Traci. I love this song. I think I love Jordin. But it seems like a weird fit for this bubbly 17-year-old. She’s got spirit, and Traci, well, doesn’t. It’s a little low for her, too. But then she gets to the upper register, and girl can blow. She ends up totally rocking it by the end. The beginning just took too long to get there. Song choice, girl. Song choice. Although it might have been a calculated move on her part, going with something grittier to counteract Simon’s too-sweet criticism. Anyway, she’s amazing.

Nicole Tranquillo sings some Aretha song I don’t know. Well, shouts, really. She makes some ugly faces when singing. And she’s trying way too hard. It’s just awful, doesn’t showcase her voice at all. So much shouting! I feel assaulted by Nicole. I couldn’t even begin to tell you what she was saying. The guys love it, which should tell you it sucked. Simon called it “indulgent,” and totally.

Haley Scarnato is pretty. She chooses “It’s All Coming Back to Me Now.” Girl, you gonna sing Celine, you gotta bring it. It’s very Broadway, and she’s got a massive case of gospel jaw. There’s nothing pop star about her voice. I just keep seeing Belle in “Beauty & the Beast.” Also, boring.

Melinda Doolittle sings the third (!) Aretha of the night, and she came loaded for bear. She bounces all over the stage and has a wonderful voice. She still looks and sounds old, but I don’t care. It’s like rocking out to my mom. Ton of character in her voice --- she will make for some great recordings. Simon just salivates over her potential record sales. Beware, Melinda.

Alaina Alexander is also pretty. That is all. She attempts The Pretenders’ “Brass in Pocket,” and it is WAY too low for her. I think she screwed up the words, too. She takes every bit of punk and rock out of this song. Chrissie Hynde would vomit if she saw this. It’s crazy amateur. It got a little better toward the end, but nowhere near where she needs to be given her competition.

Gina Glocksen takes on “All By Myself.” Initially I was afraid this song was too big for Gina, and I like her. She has a nice low register, but I want more fun songs from Gina. She’s got spunk. But actually, she surprised me here --- she’s got a better voice than I expected. Good job, Gina. I’m actually proud of her.

Lakisha Jones closes out the night singing f**king “And I am Telling You” from Dreamgirls. I really do hate that sing. It’s so over the top. But trusty Lakisha sings the hell out of it. Lakisha, I have taken you to my bosom. Do not let me down. Simon all but crowns her this year’s idol. I’m not sure. We said the same thing about Mandisa last year, and she faded FAST. At this point, I’m guessing Melinda (or Jordin) v. Blake (or Chris S.) in the F2. Pure speculation.

Tonight: Bye, Antonella and Alaina! Also in trouble: Haley and Nicole. Gone by Week 3, Amy and Leslie. Leaving a Top 6 girls of Lakisha, Melinda, Sabrina, Jordin, Stephanie, and Gina. And that’s pretty awesome. Let’s make it happen, people!

Last night's episode of 30 Rock was one of true brilliance. So much so, that it is causing me to spout clichés....

Oh, 30 Rock, how do I love thee? Let me count (some of) the ways:

1) Alec Baldwin. The man is pure genius. His moments in last night's episode were short, but sweet.

2) Jenna. Yes, the whole blonde bimbo stereotype can get old, but last night was proof that she can hold her own with the cast. First: slipping down a couch in a photo shoot for Maxim. Then, the icing on the cake: a forced (fictional) appearance on Hardball - with Chris Matthews actually guest-starring - after she is mistakenly quoted as saying she hates the troops. "That's why I'm voting for Osama in 2008," she tells Matthews, who replies with a blank stare.

3) Frequent guest appearances by SNL's Rachel Dratch. She's played a crazy cat lady, Elizabeth Taylor, and last night, Barbara Walters, who she does rather perfectly.

4)Kenneth, the NBC page. After the Kenneth and Jack pairing during the poker episode, I didn't think a better comedic duo could grace the show, but last night's episode, with Kenneth joining Tracy's entourage, proved me wrong.

5) Impromptu musical scenes. It just doesn't get any better than characters randomly breaking out into song and dance. Especially when it results in a parody of The Bodyguard, replete with Grizz and Dot-Com carrying Tracy out of an angry crowd while Tracy and Kenneth sing "I Will Always Love You," in perfect harmony.

6) The show's heightened self-reference. No show makes fun of itself with more grace or intellect. The product-placement episode was great, but last night's episode was even better. Tina Fey, writer of 30 Rock, was recently attacked for her liberal political views, so she writes an episode of 30 Rock where Jenna, the star of an SNL-like TV show is attacked for her political views and uses her TV show, the fictional TGS, to apologize. While Jenna is taping the show, Tina Fey announces her real-life political views and in a radiant moment, turns and winks at the camera (and the audience). Genius.

It lasted more than four hours. No awards show needs to be that long, ever.

And the worst part is, it absolutely did not need to. Last night's show was crammed with more filler than your average botox-ed actress' naturally wrinkly forehead. Montage after montage after montage (the most egregious: Michael Mann's tribute to "American films," which was so wide-reaching that at parts I literally forgot what it was about, and included clips from "The Naked Gun 2 1/2" and "American Dreamz" of all things) and little bits that were cute but added nothing the show. I liked Pilobius Dance's human shadow puppetry, in which the group used its members' bodies to symbolize various pics. But once we got to the "Snakes on a Plane" tribute I had to wonder, Is this really the best way to spend precious show time?

It seemed that the theme last night was "we're celebrating you, nominees." I was unaware that was ever in question. Aren't the Oscars ALWAYS about celebrating the nominees? Is that not what a navel-gazing, back-slapping awards fest is intrinsically designed to do? It started with a seemingly unending montage featuring a bunch of the nominees (and even some non-nominees, I think --- some presenters snuck in there for some reason) talking about....something. The sound quality was terrible and the editing was worse. Then we went to the Kodak theater where all of the nominees in the crowd stood up, clapped for each other, and basically stroked each others' egos as an announcer boasted "an unprecedented 177 nominees." Were there more categories this year or something? How is more nominees a big a deal? It's not like they added nominees because the performances were so great; they added nominees to pad the goddamn show!

Host Ellen DeGeneres got completely swallowed by the broadcast. It was too long, and her shtick too slight. She had a couple funny bits, but brought nothing new to the proceedings. She would be gone for huge stretches at a time, leaving me shocked when she came back: "Oh, I forgot Ellen was hosting this!" I like Ellen a ton, but I wouldn't want her to host another Oscars. (She's great at the Emmys, though.)

Random thought time:

-It really was the most diverse Oscars ever, with most of the major categories stuffed with a wide range of people or pictures of various nationalities or ethnicities. So kudos for that, Oscars.

-Cutest thing of the night: "Little Miss Sunshine"'s Abigail Breslin and "The Pursuit of  Happyness"' Jaden Smith, both under 12, presenting the awards for short films. They looked adorable and actually had fun -- Smith blew a line but played it off masterfully. Next year let's have more kids presenting awards and less earnest adults.

-Least cutest thing of the night: Composer Ennio Marricone's unending acceptance speech for his honorary Oscar, which was delivered entirely in Italian with no subtitles. Presenter Clint Eastwood --- who biffed the tribute monologue, although maybe Ennio doesn't speak English so he doesn't care --- translated for us, but there would be minutes-long stretches when this tiny little man who didn't even look like he wanted to BE there would go on and on in Italian. The camera would show shots of the audience, where the actors pretended to look either touched or interested or deeply involved in what he was saying, but were clearly bored out of their minds.

-Weirdest addition to the ceremony: The live people modeling the Best Costume Design nominees' work. The only thing I could think as it panned by people posing in pieces from "Curse of the Golden Flower," "Devil Wears Prada," "Marie Antoinette" and more was the Showcase Showdown from "The Price is Right." If only the Oscar podium had some gigantic purple flower on the front of it...

-Biggest mistake: Giving Jennifer Hudson an Oscar as Best Supporting Actress for "Dreamgirls." Look, I love Hudson. But she is not an actress. You just gave her the great acting award there is over four VERY DESERVING women. I mean, Cate Blanchett? Seriously? It was a musical. She sang. Her acting bits were fine -- better than most of the rest of the cast, that's for sure. But Oscar-worthy? Nope. Total hype, and it'll come back to bite them in the ass. I have a hard time picturing Hudson in anything BUT musicals, and that'll mean another craptacular movie career to add to the Best Supporting Actress pile already featuring Marisa Tomei and Mira Sorvino.

-Best snub: Not giving an award to the aptly named Peter O' Toole. From everything I've read the man is a total jackass who thinks he "deserves" an Oscar. Shut up, Peter O' Toole.

-Thank you for getting it over with: Scorsese. OK, whatever. Maybe Hollywood can now shut up about how "overlooked" he's been. (Again, Shut up, Scorsese.)

-Worst backstage BS: Chris Connelly is such a sycophant, and they kept going to him for some Tim Russert/magic board-type shtick for the Oscar pools. It failed miserably and just ate up time again and again. The best part: Tom Hanks' sarcastically over energetic response when Connelly prodded him for some kind of comment. Oh, Hanks. Let's get another comedy out of you, shall we?

-The Mort-o-Meter: Robert Altman won, with Don Knotts, Red Buttons, and Jack Palance getting decent audience applause. Totally shut out: Anna Nicole Smith, overlooked from her seminal work in “Naked Gun 331/3.”

-Best dressed: Penelope Cruz's dress was gorgeous, although I'm not 100 percent in love with its peachy color on her very tan skin (peach was the color of the night; it is officially the new black, people); Reese Witherspoon finally avoided a cocktail dress this award season and looked amazing in a slate-blue dress with a surprisingly edgy, straightened 'do; Kate Winslet's mint green Grecian-inspired dress was a stunner, and she's classy enough to know not to overdo it with jewels. She was a vision. All in all I was just glad to see color last night, even when it didn't quite work (Nicole Kidman's electric red dress totally overwhelmed her pale complexion, and the shoulder bow was too cutesy; Emily Blunt's blue sparkly gown did nothing for her rack).

-Worst dressed: Anne Hathaway looked ridiculous in her white gown with giant black bow on the front; it would be more appropriate at an eighth-grade dinner dance; Jennifer Hudson's chocolate gown was simple and elegant, but got mucked up by the totally contradictory shiny silver capelet she wore on the red carpet. No idea. Jessica Biel's rock-hard bod was totally obscured by the shapeless sack she was wearing (but again, kudos for the color, a bright magenta). The costume designer from Devil Wears Prada died her hair to match her ridiculous red dress, but I'm not sure she counts. I loved Gwyenth Paltrow's dress and color, but she has a really bad habit of showing me her ACTUAL BREASTS by not a) supporting them or b) covering them up. Put them away, lady. But the worst of the night was Eddie Murphy's date --- sorry, didn't catch the name --- who wore a dress with an actual mirror in the peekaboo-cut top (handy, I guess, if your date has been eating spinach) and this weird cross-crossing at the bottom that made the very toned woman appears to have rolls of flab hanging off her midsection. Just awful.

Now THAT was an intense hour of television. In what I think might have been a first, "Heroes" devoted the entire episode to one story: the standoff between Team Loser (Matt and Radioactive Roy) and the Bennett Clan. Multiple people were ducktaped to a chair, a couple people got shot, somebody went nuclear (literally), and a whole lot of secrets came spilling out. Lots of stuff happened, so this'll be a long one. Let's delve in.

-The main point of the episode was to flesh out the character of Mr. Bennett, also known as Horn-Rimmed Glasses or HRG. Bennett has been with us since the get-go, at first made to look like a villain, but more recently cast as a sympathetic dad trying to do what he can to save his daughter. Tonight's episode brought it all into focus. We flash back 20 years or so to Bennett meeting with Eric Roberts (!) and joining up with some secretive group to hunt down powers. He's partnered with Claude the Invisible Jackass (sans beard), and Bennett promises that he's fine with "moral gray areas."

-We then flashback to 15 years, where Bennett, Claude, Eric Roberts (we never learn his name; hmmm....), and none other than GEORGE TAKEI (!) as Hiro's dad have a discussion on the Manhattan rooftop we all recognize as Simone's building (another hmmm....). Also present? A pre-teen Hiro playing Gameboy and a baby girl that Takei gives to Bennett to raise. It is Claire, rescued from the fire that they believe killed Claire's mom, who they were apparently on to (another hmmm...). Bennett wants no part of the baby, but Takei insists. And he instructs him that should Claire manifest powers, Bennett must immediately turn her over to them.

-Another flashback to a couple years later, as Bennett is ordered to kill Invisible Jackass because the group has discovered that he's hiding a superpowered person from them. Interestingly, we never discover who this super is. Because Bennett "accidentally" shoots Claude a couple times, and then Claude goes invisible and presumably plummets from a bridge to his death. Except, you know, not.

-Another flashback shows Bennett confessing to Eric Roberts that his wife found his gun and files, and suspects him of being a serial killer. Eric Roberts explains that it's no biggie, they have a new find, a "mute" boy from Haiti who can wipe minds. The ultimate payoff? Bennett has been mindwiping his wife for more than a decade. Yowza.

So some interesting stuff to speculate on.

-Superficially, I was almost positive that Wireless was with Radioactive Roy and Matt when they stormed compound Bennett last episode. She isn't in this episode at all, even though she's clearly working with those two. Why wouldn't she want to confront Bennett directly?

-This group that Bennett, Roberts, Haitian Sensation, and Invisible Claude work/worked for is meant to seem like a government organization. I don't think it is. The fact that Hiro's dad is clearly a player in this scene suggests either a corporation or some kind of global conspiracy. And I'd lay even odds that the big boss of it all is one Mr. Linderman.

-Speaking of, I'm not convinced that the white-haired guy teased in next episode as Linderman is actually who they say he is. Let's face it: You don't hire Eric Roberts to have him play the patsy. He is the heavy. And Even if old guy IS Linderman, it doesn't mean Eric Roberts isn't still somehow in charge.

-This group has been tracking superpowered people for an entire generation. How long has this been going on? I had thought the eclipse thing in the first episode was the "trigger," since so many of the characters seemed to be manifesting then. But this suggests "heroes" have been around much longer than that. What started it all? Fascinating.

-When Bennett confronts Haitian Sensation about the fact that a) he can talk and b) he didn't mindwipe Claire as ordered, Haitian tells him that he reports to someone "higher" in Claire's life. Now that's an interesting reveal. My initial guess? Either Nathan, who has known about his powers since his wife's accident and might have also known more about his daughter than he's let on, or Nathan's dad, who I'm still not convinced is actually dead. (I frankly think he's Linderman.)

-The scene on that familiar rooftop has me wondering if Simone isn't more involved in this than we thought. If memory serves, the actor playing her dad was a "name" actor --- meaning, we would recognize him. You don't kill off a name actor that casually. What if he was involved in this whole thing, much like Hiro's dad? And what if Simone's actually a "hero"? (That said, I hope the teaser for next week is actually a dream, and that she really is dead, because I kind of hate her.)

-So is Matt going to become Bennett's new partner? And what's up with that mean-looking girl whose power was not disclosed? Bennett's life just got a lot more complicated.

-We definitively learned what we all suspected: that all of Bennett's machinations were to protect Claire from the group he's been working for all along. He's known about Claire's powers at least since he found the tapes she was making, so he's been trying to play a shell game with Eric Roberts for some time (Eric Roberts is not easily fooled, however). That last scene on the bridge where Bennett fakes a kidnapping so that Haitian Sensation can kidnap Claire was as heartbreaking as I knew it would be, and that Hayden is a great little actress. I'm very curious to see where they take Claire now, but I'm afraid we won't see her adoptive mom or bro anymore. Or Mr. Muggles. And that makes me sad.

The good news: the boys didn't suck nearly as hard as they did last week. The bad news: I'm fairly sure that we're going to lose at least one guy who deserves to stay.

Phil "Nosferatu" Stacy opened the night with "Missing You," and for the first time in the competition did not completely biff the opening of a song. Sad that our standards have fallen that far, but there you go. It's fine, but ultimately just very good karaoke --- there is nothing "star" about Phil whatsoever. And for the record, I wrote that before Simon parroted every word I said. HA!

Jared Cotter decides to be "adventurous" and sing Marvin Gaye's "Let's Get it On." How this standard is adventurous, I do not know. But Jared just Xeroxes the performance off Marvin, down to every screech and whoop. If this was Celebrity Impersonator Idol he'd have a shot. But he brings nothing new to this song, and even gets a little flat in parts.

A.J. Tabaldo makes what I think is a fatal error in picking a) a song I've never heard of and b) a song with a slow, boring, and unending intro that he doesn't sing particularly well. When he eventually gets to the crux of the song he's really good again, and he looks much cuter than last week. He also shows he can legitimately sing, with quite a range. But I think that awful intro plus the WHO? factor might have just sealed poor A.J.'s fate.

Chris Sligh surprised me with his rendition of "Trouble." I had no idea he was that good of a singer. The song itself is kind of boring, but he sings it beautifully. He dedicates it to his very hot wife, and I totally did not see that little fact coming. But I think she may hate him given how totally unmoved she was during the performance. To me, Chris was the best of the night.

Sanjaya Malakar continues his high school talent show of the damned by trotting out a pathetic version of the standard "Steppin' Out" (not the Joe Jackson version, unfortunately). I have watched this show for four seasons and have never seen anything like Sanjaya. It looks like he simply could not care less to be there. He just kind of walks around the stage mumbling. The supposition is that the kid has crippling stage fright, but at this stage that's not an excuse. Either do the job you elected to do, or step aside so some other gay-ish kid had a shot. But Sanjaya is almost certainly safe, as he has been adopted by American's pre-teen girls, making this John Stevens, Part II: Again With the Hair.

Nick Pedro sings "Fever," a song almost as boring as he is. (What is everyone's fascination with that song? It's really not that good.) Nick's slight voice fits the song well, all timid cooing. But again, there's no star quality here. He's instantly forgettable. Simon mentions his "charisma problem," which is perhaps best exemplified by Nick's non-ironic usage of a 3-year-old catch phrase, Vote for Pedro.

Blake Lewis sings Jamiroquai's "Virtual Insanity," and it's a better fit for his voice than the Keane song last week, but doesn't allow him to do anything interesting. He essentially copies Jay Kay's vocals note for note, and then throws in some beatboxing. I blame the latter solely on Randy, who advocated for him to include it in every song. No. Blake is easily one of the three weakest male vocalists here and he has to work on that or he'll be Ace Young'd in no time. And he's too pretty to have that happen. Also, nice butt.

Brandon Rogers plummets in my estimation by singing the most boring version of "Time After Time" ever conceived, and then acts like it's the lost Psalm or something because it's so powerful and meaningful. Brandon, it's a Cyndi Lauper song. Get over yourself. When he's called out for being dull (not to mention that his nasal voice doesn't fit the song at all) he gets argumentative and starts speaking Abdul-ese about how he "sang his heart" or some BS. Shut up, Brandon. I liked you, but two crap weeks in a row has you hanging by a thread.

Chris Richardson's skin has cleared up (thank goodness!) but he quizzically chooses to sing Jason Mraz's "Geek in the Pink." It is an upbeat tune, and a better fit for his voice than the McGraw song last week. But it's a stupid song. Really, really stupid. Just these hyper-fast lines with no real singing required. And he's not even on the beat for most of it. But halfway through I realized that he's lucky that singing isn't required here, as he's probably the weakest vocalist, guy or girl. Just alarmingly small voice. He gets swallowed by the song in parts, and when you get swallowed by Jason Mraz you're in trouble. The judges call it best of the night. They are all on crack.

Sundance F'ing Head gets the pimp slot and sings "Mustang Sally." Forget what I said about "Fever"; this is the stupidest song ever written. The same line repeated five or six times, laconic chorus. Bleh. Perfect for Sundance, though, as all he has to do is scream, and that's really the only weapon in his arsenal. He even manages to do it in tune this week! The judges fall all over themselves about him, and it's such a joke, because you want to talk about karaoke, that exact rendition of that song can be heard in any lame-ass bar in this country. But it'll buy Sundance safety for at least a couple more weeks. Shit.

Predictions:

Who should go home: SANJAYA, Brandon.

Who will go home: A.J., and maybe Nick or Jared