The boys were on the upswing this week, so karmically the girls had to come down a tick. But just a tick. Gina kind of disappointed me with "Alone." Heart is almost a goldmine on this show (this song totally turned around Carrie Underwood's run on the show two seasons ago), but Gina was all over the place in the beginning and really forced by the end. Simon also called her out for her strange costume choice, specifically her too-tight red prom dress. Gina needs to get it together.Alaina butchered the Dixie Chicks' "Not Ready to Make Nice," and even

The eighth cycle of the best show on television debuted last night with a two! hour! extravaganza! The casting special whittled us down to 13 bitches (I can't believe Bethany didn't make it in --- she's legitimately modelesque --- but then again, given this show, it makes total sense that she'd be cut). The first episode jettisoned another after a "politically themed" photo shoot (one of the most underwhelming in the show's history; these girls suck) and a thrift store fashion show. My thoughts on this batch of would-be divas: Brittany is a) not pretty and b) lucky she pulled

Man. I'm going to miss that spazz.So we lose another four wannabes, and this time only half the boots are good news. On the expected side, Alaina is finally shown the door after two awful performances and a lot of eye-rolling at the judges (she actually makes a snide remark about Simon's spot-on criticism tonight, too). A pleasant surprise came in the ousting of Nick, whose "charisma problem" was apparently solved by not solving it at all. And on the sad note, we lost A.J. and Leslie, both of whom sang that stupid Michael Buble song "Feelin' Good" that I

There are two lessons to be learned from the two new episodes of NBC's Thursday night lineup that aired last night ("My Name is Earl" and "The Office" were repeats):1) To the makers of "Scrubs:" Editing together a long montage of clips from previous episodes does not qualify as a "new" episode; rather, montage episodes are just "meta-repeats" which are far, far worse and cause much more frustration than mere repeats. For example, I'm not angry with the makers of "The Office" and "My Name is Earl" for their repeat episodes, but I am fuming that the "Scrubs" people tried to

Team Kentucky --- coalminer David and his wife, Mary --- got the boot at the end of an especially chaotic edition of "Amazing Race: All-Stars" last night. I think they're sweet people and they definitely tried hard, but these guys were simply outclassed this time around. The important thing is that they enjoyed it, and I think they did. When they weren't feeling betrayed that other teams who were their "friends" were actually trying to beat them, that is. Because it is, you know, a race.Almost every team made some kind of boneheaded navigation error last night. Some you would

HOL. E. CRAP.If last night’s “Heroes” didn’t prove that it’s the best show on the air, I don’t know what will. I was frankly expecting a bit of a slump given how amazing last week’s Bennet episode was. But while that installment focused on character drama, this one was almost totally plot-based, as almost every single character appeared and nearly every storyline progressed dramatically. The only bad part? The next episode doesn’t air until late April. GODDAMN IT!So much happened, but a full recap would take thousands of words that literally nobody will read. So instead, we’ll hit the highlights:-Nathan

OK, people. It's time to get serious.Tonight and tomorrow night we finish the "Idol" semifinal rounds, and our definitive Top 12 will be locked in. For the most part you've done OK so far --- I would've liked to have seen AJ hang around another week, but at least you dumped Nick's boring ass. Now we're in the danger zone. The whole affair dances on the edge of a knife or whatever. One bad voting decision could cost a potentially deserving candidate a shot at fleeting demi-stardom, and simultaneously give some New Jersey titty-flasher even more ill-gotten press attention. So let's make

They gave me one episode of hope this season and then they ripped it away. After news was released recently that "Desperate Housewives" has been signed on until at least 2011, you'd think the show would be on top of its game. But no. What the heck is going on? Suddenly, Edie has a son that appears out of nowhere, yet the writers have written him in like he's been there all along. I hate when they do that! I kept thinking, "Did I miss an episode?" No, they just tossed him in like we wouldn't notice. Maybe it's because

  After last week's mostly decent performances the boys return to the awfulness we became accustomed to in Week 1 of semifinals. It's pathetic that at this stage in the game --- where the contestants should be getting better every week --- they continue to flatline. I cringe to think what's coming with any of these guys once the mid-finals malaise hits and they're all exhausted or bored. How could it get worse? Blake opens the show with 311's "All Mixed Up," and again the judges act like he has arrived from Mars with this new sound that they've never

The ladies were awesome, again, some more. I know: big surprise. But I am starting to see some cracks in my precious Ethnic Five (plus Gina) plan. It's going to be a bloodbath for those last couple slots. Let's see who got in the best cuts.Jordin picks “Heartbreaker” by Pat Benatar. This is why I like Jordin: she takes chances. It’s not an expected choice for her. It’s not AWESOME, but it’s good --- there are some weird breathing issues and she seems distracted in parts. I just think she’s a little too sweet to be doing the Benatar. Also,

OH, AMERICA! Just when I've pretty much given up on you, you go and pull a shockeroo decision like this. All is forgiven.After a fairly terrible group sing to "Stuck in the Middle With You," in which Sundance notably gets the pimp spot, the long road to the Final 12 finally ends. Most of the expected folks get the good news early --- Blake and Lakisha, Chris Sligh, Jordin (so glad she's safe), Melinda and Phil. And then we get our first cut: Jared. No surprise, but needless to say I'm very pleased. Then some more get through: Chris Robinson, Gina, Brandon (that one

Well, that changes the whole game, doesn't it?Last night's "Amazing Race All-Stars" saw the elimination of perennial front-runners --- and perennial reality TV stars --- Rob and Amber. The duo had come in first place all three legs, but a little bit of hubris + a bad temper + crappy spelling - good luck = a last-place finish behind even Charla and Mirna. Ouch.The producers heavily telegraphed this by promising an ending "everyone will be talking about" this morning. But the editing of the actual episode robbed (no pun intended) any real drama from the proceedings. We just watched the

One perk of "Heroes" being on hiatus --- I get to catch up on "I Love New York." The "Flavor of Love" spinoff hasn't been nearly as entertaining as its progenitor, but it's had some moments. (12-Pack's elimination last week gave us one of the all-time great reality TV exit lines: "My ex-girlfriend was looking pretty good tonight, so I'm going to go home and bang the shit out of her." Classy!) Last night we were down to four: eventual winner Tango, brothers Real and Chance, and hanger-on Whiteboy. Whiteboy finally got canned after revealing that he'd been in a

First things first: the Ryan/Simon Gay Panic reached heretofore unseen heights, as Ryan asked Simon for tips on wearing heels, Simon told Ryan to come out of the closet, and Ryan smirked that that will only happen in Simon’s dreams. I can’t make this stuff up, people!Anyway, the Top 12 were turned over to the amazingly well-preserved hands of Diana Ross, who seriously looks better now than she did five years ago. I don’t know whose babies she’s been sacrificing, but they can take solace in the fact that their offspring translated into some flawless skin. Ross reined in the

I've been looking forward to this show since before I even knew it existed. Thirteen former "Flavor of Love" contestants will be put through "charm school" by zaftig comedian Mo'nique in the hopes that they will learn proper manners and become "ladies." (In addition to better etiquette, the winner takes home a $50K check.) The speculation as to who would be invited back ran wild. Now we know! And while we got some good selections, there are a couple notable absences that make this kind of a letdown. We have:FROM SEASON 1:Rain, Goldie, Hottie, Smiley, Serious, Pumkin FROM SEASON 2:Like Dat, Buckeey, Saaphyri, Buckwild,

We're back to only two nights a week. Thank GOD. Anyway, the Top 12 shrank to 11 with the overdue elimination of Brandon Rogers. He will not be missed. Throughout semifinals he hammered home just how boring and awkward a performer he is, and on Tuesday he added insult to injury by forgetting the WORDS. Dude. No. Brandon dealt with it all very well, so that speaks highly of him. And he's a good-looking guy. But he just didn't have it.Other things of note:-The pimpomercial was atrocious. We all agree that the guys suck this season, right? That the girls

Two exciting things happen this week: Makeovers! And the revealing of several stealth bitches!On the makeover front, it's a pretty mixed bag. Brittany gets a brighter red and longer weave and it does a lot to minimize her manjaw problems. Also, it also does a lot to make her cry, which she appears to do frequently to the consternation of all the other girls. Sarah goes brunette, and it helps her features look more defined, I think, rather than the amorphous blog look she was rocking previously. Cassandra's sewn-on wig is removed from her head, and is replaced with a

"Grey's" returned last night for, apparently, one new episode to help launch ABC's newest, sure-to-fail drama, "October Road." (I'd like it to succeed just because it has Donna from "That 70s Show," but I don't care enough to actually watch it.) It's been a couple weeks since we last checked in with Seattle Grace's interns, but not much has changed. They're all still talking about me me me me me me me.Seriously. Last night's episode made me realize that at this point I don't really like any of these characters. Izzie continues to be a horrible bitch to George about

We have entered into the Bizarro World, people. Rob and Amber's elimination last leg has thrown the entire race into chaos, and the unthinkable has occurred: Charla and Mirna came in first. I know! Insanity. Mind you, they can take almost zero credit for the win since it was secured by berating some poor man in Mozambique to lead them from task to task, even going so far as to browbeat him into paying them for a manicure. Yeah, I don't know. But Mirna assures us that their victory should signal to people all over the world that the underdog

We'll get to Ashley in a minute. But on the whole, last night's episode was a huge improvement over the disaster that was Diana Ross week. The British Invasion came to town and Peter Noone from Herman's Hermits (love them) and Lulu (ambivalent about her; is Petula Clark dead or something?) helped the aspiring Idols to suck less.Haley opened the night, which is typically a bad omen. But shock of shocks, she didn't totally stink up the place with her rendition of "Tell Him." It was serviceable, even pleasant at times. I didn't hate her guts this week. It's a