The eighth cycle of the best show on television debuted last night with a two! hour! extravaganza! The casting special whittled us down to 13 bitches (I can't believe Bethany didn't make it in --- she's legitimately modelesque --- but then again, given this show, it makes total sense that she'd be cut). The first episode jettisoned another after a "politically themed" photo shoot (one of the most underwhelming in the show's history; these girls suck) and a thrift store fashion show. My thoughts on this batch of would-be divas:

Brittanyis a) not pretty and b) lucky she pulled the pro-fur assignment for the first photo shoot. Anybody could have pulled that off. Basically you just have to sit there, draped in fur, looking mildly smug. She'll be gone by episode 6. Maybe 3.

Cassandra horrified me the first time I saw her. She is so skinny you guys --- I think my index finger is thicker than her arms. But she actually managed to work it in this episode, and is kind of pretty despite her busted, self-sown weave. I'm curious to see her post-makeovers.

Diana is one of our two plus-sized models this season. FYI: "plus sized" means size 8 or smaller on this show, so make of that what you will. Diana is not particularly pretty and is also deadly boring. She'll be the first of the "big" girls to go. Her Tomb Raider-inspired pro-gun photo this week was downright embarrassing.

Dionne...exists. Apparently. I have no opinion of her in any way. I think she was the girl who wouldn't shut up during auditions, and that was mildly amusing. But I don't think she said a word during the rest of the episode. Fairly plain girl. Nothing model-y about her at all. Gone by episode 4.

Felicia is "baby Tyra" because she allegedly resembles our intrepid host. She's got a "fivehead" (read: overly long forehead) like Ms. Banks and is pretty, but beyond that I don't get the comparison. She did reasonably well on the first photo shoot, but can't get by on pretty alone. Which is what she's done so far.

Jael is our "punk" girl, and she is not attractive. Girl looks mean. Oddly, she's a pussycat, totally afraid of the girls not liking her. When she won the runway challenge she kind of retreated, and got pulled into the Bottom 2 for it (also, her first photo stunk). I kind of hate Jael. I definitely hate her voice. Total tranny thing going on.

Speaking of trannies, Jaslene tried out last season and got cut. I loathed her then, all over-the-top Puerto Rican accent, disgustingly skinny body, and mannish looks. But I kind of love her now. She's much more demure --- a laid back attitude that I suspect will lead to her early dismissal --- and her photo was one of the best of the bunch. So against all odds, Go Jaslene!

Kathleen is amazing. She first came into the audition room literally shrieking and then wouldn't stop telling Tyra how pretty she is. She then proceeded to basically narrate the episode in her pinched, New Yawk accent. She was given "anti-fur" at the photo shoot and clearly had no idea what that means; later at panel her vacant expression on the photo led to maybe one of the best "Top Model" moments ever as Kathleen explained her stance on fur. See, she doesn't like it if you have to kill the animal to gets its fur. But if they die naturally, that's OK, since sometimes humans and animals die naturally, right? Tyra looked incredulous. Kathleen was, of course, booted first, and I will miss her terribly. She was a vision.

Thankfully we have Natasha who, I kid you not, is a Russian mail-order bride. She is 20. Her husband is 40ish. She speaks the most tortured English ever and has an inflated sense of self rivaled only by S6's Jade. Her big ol' lion mane of hair is troubling, but once it's pulled back she has a prettiness about her. But she's got that Russian taste level, which basically means: skank.

Renee is straight-up gorgeous, and also a straight-up pain in the ass. She's a very young mother from Maui and it's implied that being away from her kid and thrust into a competitive situation is making her insecure. She looks a bit like Joanie from C6, but she is a total stealth bitch. I kind of love Renee.

Samantha has a good face down to her chin, where it all goes terribly wrong. She has a butt chin --- you know, a cleft right in the middle. Looks great on men; looks freakish on women. It's true. Samantha also seems fairly stupid and boring. I suspect she'll be gone by Episode 6.

Sarah is another contender for the role of house bitch (Renee and Natasha are in the race as well), and has the added benefit of actually being modelesque. Her face is a bit puffy --- she has almost no definition in her facial features --- and she's a total name-dropping know-it-all. I'm curious to see where Sarah goes.

Whitney is our other plus-sized girl, and I will be stunned if she doesn't win the whole thing. Suddenly zaftig Tyra clearly wants a heavier girl to win (and remember, it's all about Tyra) and Whitney is both beautiful and full of spirit. Her first photo kind of sucked, although that was more a problem with staging than her actual abilities. Expect big things from Whitney. No pun intended.