I don't know who spiked the Coca-Cola last night, but the judges were a delight. Randy had a modicum of personality, Paula was charmingly goofy (I feel like she was doing a performance art piece in homage to her enormous ascot...), and Simon was just plain sassy. His shirt was unbuttoned to his navel, he openly complained about how he can't criticize to Melinda, and he admitted that he just likes to be mean. And that's why we love you, Simon, and your socially inappropriate amounts of exposed chest hair.

The theme was standards, the guest mentor Tony Bennett. I like Tony and all, but his mid-90s renaissance is something I will never understand. I will also never understood America's apparently undying love for "the standards." People today complain about how goofy and meaningless pop songs are. And I'd ask them to please listen to any of the songs featured tonight and explain how they are in any way better or more insightful. Half of them were downright stupid. I just don't get it.

Blake started off the show with a rendition of "Mack the Knife," and it was serviceable. Blake looked uncomfortable throughout, and I could only make out about 40 percent of what he was saying. Not that it makes any difference. It's an insipid song. The judges seemed to like it but I was underwhelmed. He couldn't even skat believably at the end, and that's supposedly his thing. Poor Blake.

Phil looked slightly like John Waters in his nicely tailored suit, and sounded like something emerging from the pits of Hell on "Night and Day." I couldn't stop laughing during the whole performance; it was just atrocious. Off-key, grim, creepy --- and I think this is supposed to be a love song! (He said he kept thinking about his wife while singing it, and that makes me concerned for her future wellbeing.) If ever there was a time for Simon to drop the "ghastly" card, this would have been it. But he didn't. He did, however, hate the whole thing. All the judges did. Just awful. Please send Phil home, America.

Chris Richardson really does think he's Justin Timberlake. He wore a totally poseurish outfit featuring suspenders hanging from his belt and a newsboy cap that didn't match, and he was --- I think --- just awful on "Mr. Saturday Night." The judges thought it was his best performance ever. They should re-watch the tape. The beginning of the song was a holy terror, although he got considerably better by the end. They praised him for making a standard modern. When he's all melisma and runs, of course it's going to sound modern. But that doesn't mean it's original. It's gimmicky. And as much as I like him, that's what Chris is. He's also starting to look dead in the eyes. Ruh-roh.

Melinda --- I know this will shock you --- destroyed with "I've Got Rhythm." Whenever I hear that song I can only think of Joanne Worley screaming the lyrics while smashing together a pair of enormous cymbals. And Melinda might have just erased that from my memory. That says a lot.

My Darling Jordin sang "On a Clear Day," and while it wasn't Streisand caliber it was really damn good. Technically flawless, and that song is a challenge on the upper register. I just think she's a delight.

Gina looked lovely and sang a very nice version of "Smile," which Tony Bennett claims was written by Charlie Chaplin. I had no idea that was the case. Unfortunately, while a lovely little palette cleanser, the song is simply not bombastic enough and I suspect Gina will end up in the Bottom 3 tonight, and possibly will go home. Simon criticized the vocals, but again --- how do you take Gina to task for not being able to stand up to the Divas 3 but never mention how not a single guy could hold a vocal candle to them? I call bullshit. How's that crush on Simon now, eh, Gina?

Haley wore a celery green dress that Paula loved, which should be your first clue that it's a fashion mistake. I think it washed her out. It did, however, show off those gams of hers and also give a nice look at her cleavage. Oh, and she also sang. It was "Ain't Misbehavin.'" I think. It really sounded like three songs being sung at once, and I don't think that was Haley's fault. She was fine --- I personally thought it was the best she's done yet --- but the judges just totally dismissed her. Simon's only critique was, "You've got nice legs." Haley rolled her eyes. And honey, you cannot play the T&A card --- which you are obviously doing, and I certainly don't begrudge you for it --- but then get pissy when someone points out that that's exactly what you're doing. Own it, Haley, and maybe you'll come off as less of a stank bitch. But maybe not.

Sanjaya. Tony Bennett went to great lengths to convince us that Sanjaya can really sing, and that he has a "charm" about him. Writers have this saying: show, don't tell. We're...I don't know, 10 or so weeks into this thing. I'm still waiting for the show. Sanjaya wore one of Ellen DeGeneres' castoff white suits and sang "Dancing Cheek to Cheek." The only apt comparison is high school musical. And that's fine, but in front of 30 million people? Anyway, the big news is that it appears that Sanjaya may have cut his hair for the look, and that will almost certainly hurt him in the votes. Will he be a modern-day Samson? Probably not; kid's invincible at this point.

Lakisha finished the evening with "Stormy Weather," another awful song. She sang it well, I guess, and Simon referred to her as "sassy." Her dress was very pretty. I just have a hard time getting excited by Lakisha anymore. She's good and all, but she's not Melinda. Or Jordin, for that matter. I guess I'm officially bored by Lakisha.

In trouble: Phil, Gina, and perennial losers Sanjaya and Haley.

Will go home: Phil or Gina.

Do I really have to sit through a Tony Bennett performance tonight? Oh, wait -- TiVo!

I'm sure people will say this was a "surprise" elimination, a la Stephanie. But I'm sad to say I saw it comin'. Gina did a nice-but-uninspiring performance of a nice-but-uninspiring song. The judges' reactions were tepid --- not overly praiseful, not overly critical (with the exception of Simon) --- and Gina was always a middle-tier contestant anyway. It all combined for an early exit. But she really had the perfect song for a sing-out, didn't she? "Smile, when your heart is breaking..."

The real bitch of it is that Gina was outlived on the show by Sanjaya, Haley, and even Phil. That's gotta sting.

 I was worried that I'd have to sit through a performance by Tony Bennett. Instead I got a performance by Michael Buble, which is arguably worse. At least Tony Bennett has an excuse to sing those stupid standards --- they're his music. Michael Buble can't hack it as a modern artist, so he relies on rehashing outmoded tropes. Blech.

Worst. Pimpomercial. Ever. Reggae on "Idol," stupid eco-friendly garage concept, Gina acting a total fool --- awful. Let us never speak of it again.

My friend made a joke last night that if Sanjaya makes it past Top 6 he's going to actually start voting for him. And while I'm enjoying the insanity that is the American Idol Parody Show starring Sanjaya Malakar, if some real contenders like Blake, Jordin, or even Chris go home before him, I'm going to get seriously pissed off about the situation. I enjoy a good joke as well as the next person, but we already got stuck with Taylor last year. And he's joke enough.

After a ridiculous four-week hiatus, "Desperate Housewives" finally returned last night. And it was good --- really good. First of all, they dropped the annoying storyline about Danielle's pregnancy (at least for now). In fact, Bree and her whole clan (Orson, Danielle, and Andrew) were completely gone. I know Marcia Cross is off for the rest of the season with her baby and, quite frankly, I didn't miss her. The entire Orson-Bree-Alma storyline was so outrageous anyway that without it, the show actually had some credibility tonight and lost a bit of the soap-y drama. Thank God!

Even Susan wasn't all that annoying tonight. Ian's parent's dropped in and, after finding out about Susan's previous divorce, asked her to sign a prenup. But Susan found a way out of it after catching Ian's dad trying on her lingerie. This is all a bit tedious and tiresome because we know Susan and Mike will end up together again, but I can at least tolerate it while I wait.

Lynette and Tom are so cute. Except when they're not. C'mon, Lynette, is an orange shirt really a big deal? Damn right it is! I wouldn't wear that uniform either. A girl's got to put her foot down sometimes. And despite the misleading teasers, Tom is just fine. A back problem? Big deal. This too shall pass for Lynette and Tom. But the hunky new manager in next week's teaser could spell problems for Wisteria Lane's sturdy couple.

Last, but certainly not least, Edie and Carlos. Gag! But, could make for an interesting storyline, especially once Gaby finds out about it. She may be makin' it with the rich salt-haired hunk, but she won't be able to stand Carlos and Edie getting it on. Can't wait! Now the only burning question is, how long will the next hiatus be?

OUCH.

Last night's "I Love New York" reunion special was brutal. Not only did most of the loser guys get served by the HBIC, but New York herself got dumped AGAIN on live TV AGAIN, in arguably the most brutal fashion yet. Yikes.

Recapping the entire show would take too long, so I'll pick out some highlights. But I will say bravo to VH-1 for learning from the deadly dull "Flavor of Love 2" reunion and spicing this one up a bit. Now if only we could get rid of that broke-ass host, LaLa...

-Most, but not all, of the boys were back. Notably absent was Pootie, who left the competition due to a complete mental breakdown. He wasn't even referenced. Does anyone know if that guy's OK? Also, I didn't see Rico, and that's a damn shame.

-Romance made a fool of himself yet again, coming up with this absurd black-and-white ensemble and hair that New York referred to as "Cruella deVille." She also totally ragged on his "clips," which he had laminated. HA! I should probably feel sorry for these guys, but they are buffoons.

-Heat and my beloved 12-Pack showed a clip of their new venture, The Party Boys, a traveling show in which they visit bars and clubs and parade around in their tight-tight boxer briefs, doing back flips and gyrating and stuff. It's...pretty gay. New York basically said as much, although she gave them her blessing for doing their own thing. Later, though, Heat showed a video from his mom and yaya, who New York "disrespected." And let me tell you, there is some creepy-ass "Sopranos" stuff going on in the Heat household. Yowza.

-Real's new luscious, flowing locks could make him a doppelganger for Sister Patterson. Awesome.

-But not as awesome as Mr. Boston's new squeeze: Pumkin! I am not making this up! New York flipped out when her former, spit-proficient nemesis walked on stage and started snuggling with the...beguiling Mr. Boston.

-BTW: New York got some HUGE breast implants. I mean, ginormous. Perhaps built-in life preservers to help with her fear of drowning?

-When Tango was eventually brought out he predictably sparred with Whiteboy and Chance. So tiresome. Even more tiresome: Chance's ghetto thug shtick. DUDE. We have seen your home. You live on a horse farm. We have met your brother. He is --- imagine that --- decidedly un-thug-like. You are a fraud. And what's worse, you are trotting out hoary old stereotypes to cover for the fact that you're a tantrum-throwing brat. He tries to make us think he's 50 Cent, but he can barely muster R. Kelly. Gross.

-The reunion between Tango and New York was painful to watch. At first everything seemed peachy --- Tango kissed her passionately, New York was all giggly and excited, Tango referred to her as "my woman" (nice), there was a charmingly goofy clip showing the immediate aftermath of Tango's proposal. But then things got real ugly real fast when Tango got off the couch, physically distanced himself from New York, and then explained --- very poorly --- that while he went to the house to get to know Tiffany (NY's real name), what he got was New York. And he's done with New York, because she disrespected both him and his mother (which, in fairness, she totally did). He then actually got nasty, got up, and walked away, yelling, as a clearly distraught and confused New York tried to make sense of what the hell was going on. The two of them got heated, New York made disparaging remarks about the size of li'l Tango, and then told Chance she wished she'd picked him instead (GIRL, NO!).

My brother and I debated this a bit. He sides with Tango, since New York made some really awful comments about his mom's age, size, personality, etc. Not her best moment. However, Tango KNEW who New York was when he came on this show. He knew she had a spectacular bitchy streak and didn't think twice about ripping someone down. But during the competition he seemed to enjoy those lows since they came with some pretty great highs. I mean, he liked this woman enough to propose to her. And when this reunion show started and he first came out, he was seemingly all about New York --- that kiss he gave her sure wasn't a "I'm kind of pissed at you" kiss. But then he switched with a quickness and crushed her on live television AGAIN. Even if his entire proposal --- perhaps even his interest in her --- wasn't complete BS, that was NOT the way to handle the situation. I recognize that these two are not allowed to see each other between taping and reunion, but they can keep contact. He couldn't pick up the phone and discuss this matter with her privately? They met via televised show, and you could argue that it's appropriate that they finish on air. But forget New York the character for a moment and consider Tiffany the person. I find the stunt that Tango pulled deplorable, and 10 times worse than what Flav put her through, even the second time around. To me he came off as totally fake, in it only for the exposure, not unlike Hoopz from "Flavor" Season 1. But at least she had the decency to hash things out with Flav before dumping him in front of a live audience. So even though I was a Tango fan from episode 1: Boo, Tango. I hope Sister Patterson kicked his ass.

 The only good news is that this probably means we'll have an "I Love New York" Season 2. Although her comments to LaLa at the end suggested she's done with this crap, I think we all know that if there's a) cameras and b) a big enough paycheck (and with these ratings, VH-1 will definitely pony up) New York will be back. I for one will greet her with open arms. I DO have love for New York! She's made a cottage industry out of being dumped on national television. Who knew that niche even existed?

A side note: There was an awful lot of Chance's reaction, in which he gives her lines like "I never would have done this to you." Which...bullshit. You already DID that to her when she picked Tango instead. PLEASE do not give that chud his own dating show, or bring him back for "New York" vol. 2. Once was more than enough, thank you.

Look back later this week for a recap of "Charm School," which totally lived up to the hype, but not necessarily in the ways I thought it would. Best show ever!

Country night! Historically, not a good place for would-be Idols not named Carrie, Kellie, Bucky, or whoever that Army guy was. And last night was rough indeed. Martina McBride was the guest mentor. I like some of Martina's stuff, and she's surely had some big hits. But...doesn't she seem a little B-list after J-Lo and Gwen Stefani? We couldn't get Faith, or Reba, or --- my personal dream come true --- Dolly Parton?

Phil opened the night singing Keith Urban's "Where the Blacktop Ends." As predicted, Phil proved fairly well suited for country --- it's all about phrasing and power notes --- but the performance was as lifeless as ever. He meandered through the crowd, stared blankly into the camera. He manages to be inauthentic at every possible moment. I don't even believe he actually intends to be breathing sometimes. (That might explain the vampiric appearance...) The judges told him it was OK, and that the genre suited him. And Phil shot off some line about "That's what I want to do!" Really, Phil? Then how is it that you've chosen almost no country songs throughout your tenure in this competition, and haven't put yourself into the very welcoming Country Ghetto that this show provides to at least one contestant every year? He is such a phony. He wasn't the worst last night, but I still want him gone this week. I can't take much more.

Jordin looked fantastic and sang McBride's "With a Broken Wing." She was effortless. I will admit that she almost --- almost --- overshot the notes on the first chorus, but she held it together. It was controlled, subdued, lovely, and powerful. Simon told her that it was the first time he could actually see her winning the competition. Oh, how I wish that were true...

Sanjaya out-Sanjaya'ed himself. WOW. So, the song choice: "Let's Give ‘Em Something to Talk About" by Bonnie Raitt. I would argue that this is only tangentially country --- I've never considered Raitt a country artist, more blues/AC --- and Sanjaya makes some lame joke that he's "always giving people something to talk about." True that. And he gave us plenty to chew on last night: The denim outfit straight of the 1980s teen gang flick "The Warriors." The 'do-rag hiding his Carrot Top'ed mane. His MANGLING of the song. Sanjaya has never sounded worse, and this is the manchild who brought you "Steppin' Out." Atrocious. He "flirted" with the back-up singers and the band, who are clearly so done with this kid. So is Simon, who SMACKED HIM DOWN, and then when Ryan interjected, Simon smacked HIM down. That was awesome. But it needs to be said: Sanjaya was by far the most entertaining thing about the show last night. Hilariously awful!

Just plain awful was Lakisha, who made the dubious choice of covering "Idol"'s own Carrie Underwood. "Jesus Take the Wheel." I'm ashamed to admit that I kind of like that song. But not Lakisha's version. The beginning wasn't terrible --- her phrasing was off --- but when she hit the chorus, woof. She just SCREAMED. I felt physically assaulted. I actually said to the TV, "Take it, Jesus! Take the wheel! Anything to get her off my screen!" It was bad, and not just boring bad like a usual Lakisha jam. The judges basically told her as much, and Lakisha could be in trouble. I would welcome that. She's the least interesting of the Divas 3 at this point, and by a large margin. Also: those boots. No.

I winced when Chris came on the screen, imagining the torture that his squealy voice would inflict on my ears during country week. But then he picked Rascall Flats' "Mayberry," and I thought: awesome! I actually really like that song, and duh, Chris is TOTALLY Rascall Flats. But then he sang. Not awesome. I'm not sure if the fiddle was off, or Chris was off, but there was some major bad sonic mojo on that stage in the beginning and end of the song. He got better during the chorus, but it was still that shifty-eyed, hunched-up shtick he pulls out every week, and it's tiresome. No connection to the words --- OK, like I believe that Chris Richardson even knows what Mayberry refers to --- and the judges knocked him about quite a bit for that. Chris then made two potentially fatal errors: First, he argued with Simon, snotting that "nasal is a vocal choice" (mmm, no --- it's actually bad singing, Chris, as any vocal coach will tell you); and then, for no reason whatsoever, he brought up the tragedy at Virginia Tech and expressed his condolences. Perhaps the guy was being sincere, perhaps he was personally affected. (Doubt it; show would have milked that shit.) But it came off as pandering for votes. And because of that and his lip, I am officially, 100 percent done with Chris. Dead to me.

Melinda got hair extensions, and girl looked fly. She now appears to be in her 30s instead of her 50s. Good for you, 'Linda! She also tore through a song I've never heard, "Trouble is a Woman." I intend to download that single tonight. She was sassy, brassy, and bossy. Simon said she was surprising, and needed to do that every week from here on out. I didn't necessarily find it surprising --- I expect Melinda to be great --- but it was a joy, and I covet her.

The pimp slot was reserved for Blake and his version of Tim McGraw's "When the Stars Go Blue." There was nothing country about the song at all, and Blake's vocals were pitchy in parts. However! My brother --- who never watches the show, but was forced into last night's viewing --- said that he could totally hear Blake's version on pop radio. And I agree. As a song, it was good. As a country song it didn't exist. I'm ambivalent.

In trouble: Lakisha, Chris, Phil, Sanjaya

Should go home: Sanjaya!

Will go home: Phil, Chris, or Lakisha, and I would be happy with any of those results

Cars flying into lakes, sex in limousines, lines like "Don't worry, it happens to everyone," and ex-cocaine addict sous chefs. It may sound like an episode of your daytime soap, but no, it was just last night's episode of Desperate Housewives. I want to be angry that a show that started out so smart and different than anything else on TV has devolved into something just a few notches above your average soap, but I must admit - I'm eating it up!

To sum it up:

I'm still grossed out by Edie and Carlos. I really hope this storyline dies fast, but can't wait to see Gaby's reaction! She might be too busy with Victor to notice though...ugh.

Susan and Mike kissed-yay! Now let's just move things right along and lose Ian. I'm so over him already!

Tom is being a jerk. Lynette hired a hunky new manager. Sounds like the recipe for an affair to me! But seriously, don't ruin DH's one happy couple. They're the rock of Wisteria Lane!

Bree...oh, wait, Bree who? Honestly, no one cares. Drop her contract; we don't miss her!

Next week looks pretty ridiculous as well - whoopee! I think I've given up criticizing the show. The new writing is an acquired taste, and apparently, I've acquired it. Let the drama continue!

So, it finally happened. Sanjaya Malakar's cultural reign of terror is over.

Let's break it down, folks.

OF COURSE Sanjaya deserved to go home. If we're talking singing talent, the kid didn't deserve to make it into semi-finals, much less the Top 6. No argument there. But in terms of entertainment value, the show --- and the viewers --- just lost out. Sanjaya was the only interesting story about "Idol" this year. Yeah, Jordin and Melinda are always great. Blake is always....Blake. Lakisha is boring, Chris continues to transform into a shitty prick. Phil exists. This is not a dynamic group, and Sanjaya really did always give us something to talk about. I'm seriously going to miss that little booger.

I honestly didn't watch most of the rest of the hour-long results show. I'm offended by how blatantly Fox is trying to milk this sucker at this point, and I flip the channel out of protest. (Also, I wanted to catch up on the first episode of "Shear Genius" --- that show is freaking great.) But I did catch the "What the Idols are listening to" segment, and found it somewhat illuminating. Blake tried to out-Blake us by revealing he listened to...something. Couldn't even hear it. But he was trying so hard to establish cred that his veins were bulging. I totally buy that Melinda and Lakisha would be listening to gospel. At first I thought it was charming that Jordin admitted to loving Fergie --- she IS 17, after all --- but when The Dutchess came on to perform later I couldn't help but feel dirty at the blatant suck-uppery. Phil's misguided brownnosiness reached new lows when he lied that he's been listening to Willie Nelson, whom he assures us is "awesome." And Chris continued to let his douchebag flag fly when he pretty blatantly mocked poor Peter Noone. I'm sure the guy was a self-promoting buffoon, but at least he's earned that right, CHRIS.

Speaking of Chris, I was dismayed that Simon and the show addressed EyeRollGate as directly as they did. Anyone who bothered to actually watch Tuesday night could plainly see that Simon was not dismissing Chris' well-wishes to people at Virginia Tech (more on that in a minute). It was in reaction to Chris' snotty assertion that his nasal voice is an artistic choice. How this was even up for debate, I don't know, but Simon even took pains to make sure that there was no confusion about his stance at the end of Tuesday's show. But then America decided to turn a non-issue into an issue, and "Idol" had to waste time by Zaprudering the footage to erase any doubt. Pathetic.

But not as pathetic as Chris Richardson. The shout-out to V Tech was a despicable last-ditch effort to get votes by preying on the public's sympathies. Seriously --- it's disgusting. I have yet to hear a comment from him on Simon's near-Imus-ing, and he has to take some of the responsibility for creating the situation anyway. His nasty attitude Tuesday, his smirking mockery of Peter Noone last night, this kid is a piece of work. And now that he's pissed off Simon to a possibly heretofore unseen degree, I look forward to the scathing acid baths coming his way next week. Plus, it's "inspirational" songs, and he's screwed anyway. Goodbye, jackass.

 Also: PHIL STACEY IS IN OUR TOP 6! How in the name of god is that possible?

The thrust of this week's episode was etiquette. The show brought in a predictably snooty etiquette coach to lead the girls through walking like a lady, sitting like a lady, eating like a lady, etc. Of course the coach threw around nasty glances and disparaging remarks with abandon (ever notice that the people who are supposed to be masters of refinement are typically the quickest to whip out the bitchery?). All of this was to prepare the women for "dates" with Andrew Firestone, heir to the Firestone tire fortune and one of the seemingly endless line of blandly handsome men who have starred on ABC's boring "Bachelor" program. Firestone now runs a vineyard, and he chose this show to promote it on. His family must be so proud.

So the dates consisted of two girls pairing up and chatting with Firestone. One girl would be picked to move to a semi-final dinner round, and then two girls from that moved on to dessert. One of those women then won the chance to accompany Firestone to a vineyard function and act as spokesperson for his product. The winner also got exemption from elimination.

The catch was that the girls had to choose their own partners, and specifically to choose someone they thought they could beat. This hilariously led to a minor bidding war over who got to go in with infamous spitter Brooke (formerly Pumkin - Mo'nique ditched all of the girls' Flav nicknames in Episode 1), with Larissa (Bootz) ultimately victorious.

The real drama came from the pairing of Shatar (Hottie) and Heather (Krazy), especially after Heather discovered that all of her dresses had been stolen. There was much wailing and gnashing of teeth on Heather's part, but Brooke - to her credit - got proactive and found the burgled items stuffed in a drawer in the kitchen. How'd they get there? Why, Shater hid them there, of course. To rattle Heather to make her an easier match.

Shatar's brilliance only blossomed at the actual date, when she saw that Heather had regained her composure, and then admitted that she stole the dresses and would have to hide them better next time. A shellshocked Heather fell flat on her face, and Shatar won. In fact, Shatar won the whole damn thing --- she got the Firestone winery event and immunity. And with that, she joins the ranks of Omarosa as top-tier reality "villains" whose sneakiness, smarts, and delight with which they use them make them a joy to watch. Shatar for president!

Of course, Shatar's dirty deeds required retaliation from the girls. And Brooke was happy to oblige. She took a pair of (allegedly) Shatar's used panties that were so stained that portions had to be blacked out by producers and put them over Shatar's picture on the wall. Classy!

None of this mattered at elimination. Shatar was exempt, Brooke's transgression wasn't even brought up - probably because the show needs both of them at this point. Instead, the bottom three consisted of Heather, Larissa, and Crystal (Serious). And for this, I call bullshit. None of these girls really did anything this episode to warrant being on the cutting block, and others did. In addition to Shatar and Brooke, Becky (Buckwild) made an ass of herself at the Firestone dinner, and Leilene (Smiley) showed up to a task more than an hour late and continued to be a gigantic emotional wreck. Yet Larissa was called out for a much-ballyhooed come on to Firestone (I didn't even take it that way, and I'm a pervert), Crystal for talking about herself all the time (true), and Heather for wearing hooker pumps to etiquette class (...that's it? Saaphyri wore gigantic shiny sunglasses indoors and Ugg boots!).

In the end, Heather got the boot. And she kind of got robbed. Now understand, I have no love for the woman - in the immortal words of Larissa, she's a dumb-ass, stupid-ass, fake-ass bitch - but she was the victim here. And interestingly, that's the reason Mo says she got expelled. She says that over the course of "Flavor" and this show, Heather loved playing the victim, and never did anything to change that. In fact, she doesn't think Heather thinks she needs to change at all. I think that's right on the money, but it's messed up that she's being punished for something she did on another show entirely. (Same is true for Larissa - she got called out on behaving like a child every time she's stressed out. Again, that's accurate, but has nothing to do with the proceedings at hand.)

In any case, so long, Heather. You have every right to be pissed off for your unwarranted elimination, but I really hope I never have to see you again. Toodles!

-Linderman has powers. Duh. They appear to be to bring things back to life. That may be an oversimplification, though --- he waved his hand over a dried-up flower and it was suddenly full of blooms again. So who knows? I don't know how healing things would make someone the Big Bad, but I guess that's kind of the point. I can see how the Lazarus shtick could work on this show, though. A certain bad guy named Sylar is supposed to die in the future. A little Linderman magic, and guess whose team he's on? Alternately, we know he's a fan of Isaac's work. Perhaps he can bring him back to life?

-Because, yes, Isaac finally died last night. Sylar did the ol' brain suck. Notably, though, we never saw his body. It's possible that Isaac somehow lived. But since Sylar was using his powers to paint a ghastly-looking President Nathan, I suspect not. (It's also notable that Isaac's prophecies will live on in the form of his sketchbook --- how Leonardo Da Vinci/Destiny of him --- which he gave to a comic nerd and which apparently contains the secrets to stopping Sylar.

-We got the scoop on Linderman's plan: He WANTS New York to go boom. When/if Peter explodes he'll take out .07 of the human population (that many people live in NYC? Really? Freaky) After the accident Nathan will end up assuming the presidency and provide "hope" in America's darkest hour. Except, of course, he will be Linderman's puppet and will eventually rule through fear. My kinda politician. For X-Men fans, this clearly sets up Linderman as the Magneto (separation and domination), but I don't know who the Xavier is yet. Invisible Claude is the closest we've got, but doesn't seem to be keyed into the big picture enough. Also, he's an ass. It could be Horn-Rimmed Glasses, but I hope it's Mama Petrelli, who seems to know EVERYTHING and is also quickly becoming my favorite character.

-Speaking of, Mama P's meeting with Claire doesn't go well at all. Mama P wants to take her to Paris so that she can grow up outside of this insanity and make better choices than she did. Because Mama P all but says that she has powers too (who doesn't on this show? I mean, really!). She doesn't say what they are (a casual comment to Nate and Pete later that she knew what they could do long before they did suggests maybe she's a super-power locator a la Cerebro --- it would also explain how she recruited Haitian Sensation at such a young age) but she makes it explicit that there have been "heroes" like them for decades. Now that's an interesting wrinkle. You can bet that at some point Linderman and the Petrellis were on the same team but had a difference of opinion (again, X-Men much?). It also makes me wonder if all of the people featured in the paintings in Linderman's gallery weren't "heroes" of their ages. The Japanese guy whose sword Hiro wants certainly sounded pretty powerful. And I think I spotted a Rembrandt back there featuring a doctor and patient, which kind of signals Linderman's abilities. (Could his powers make him functionally immortal?) So many possibilities!

-Oh, the Sylar/Peter fight: There is telekinetic shoving, Pete turns invisible, Sylar sends shards of glass at him, one pierces the back of his skull, "killing" him. As Sylar goes in for the kill Mohinder slams into him with a bulletin board, knocking him out cold. Yeah, Sylar. The guy who has been shot, beaten, drugged, etc. gets knocked out by a billboard. I wonder if he'll have billboard powers now...

-Mohinder takes Peter's "corpse" and dumps it at Casa Petrelli, completing the family reunion. Dead Peter freaks out Mama P and she goes stone cold, telling Nate that they'll "hide it" (IT! She referred to her son's body as an "it") and also refers to Claire as "the girl." Oh, I love her. So many layers. Please let her become a regular!

-Nikki/Jessica is asked by Linderman to loan him Micah. Nikki/Jessica politely declines. So Linderman sends Shape-Changing Girl (I'm sorry, I forget her name) to pose as Nikki/Jessica and convince the boy to go with Big L. When real Nikki/Jessica comes home, Shape-Changing Girl makes a comment about her car and...that's it? Did N/J know what was going on? Did SCG just walk away without a fight? It was a little confusing. Also confusing: DL's continued presence on this show. He is a TERRIBLE actor...

-Claire brings Peter back to life after removing the shard of glass from his head. Duh. So he's fine, of course, and starts thinking that Claire's the key to fixing everything. Nathan disagrees and in yet another heartbreaking Claire scene tells his daughter that he wants to be there for her, "But not right now." He's sending her to France until after the election so the whole illegitimate daughter thing doesn't screw his chances. Poor Claire! But I tend to agree with Pete; the whole "save the cheerleader, save the world" bit seems to be key here, and Claire will play a pivotal role. She's our Kitty Pryde, I guess.

-I almost completely forgot about Matt and Radiation Roy, both still locked up at The Company with Eric Roberts. Fellow prisoner HRG telepathically plans an escape with Matt, and it goes off relatively well thanks to a quick EMP from RR. I should note that the writers played a little fast and loose here, since a) I wasn't aware EMPs were caused by radiation and b) HRG isn't telepathic, Matt is, and yet HRG was the one initiating conversations and seemingly hearing what the super goofs were saying. They all end up in (I think) the same Texas diner where Hiro met Charlie. Run, HRG! Matt's boring touch is already tainting your awesomeness! Seriously, I hate Matt. Also: Mohinder partners with Eric Roberts. Stupid! Never trust Eric Roberts!

-In the end, Hiro and Ando, five years in the future, survey the destruction of New York. They failed their mission. Ando wants to go back in time but Hiro decides he must stay and discover what they did wrong. He goes to Isaac's apartment (it's always that building, isn't it?) and discovers its new tenant: Future Hiro. I really hope next issue is called "Hiros." That would be hilarious.

Last night was part one of the Biggest! Idol! Event! Ever! Also known as "Idol Gives Back," in which we interrupt the regular meaningless programming of America's favorite TV show to make people feel bad about homelessness and poverty in our country and Africa. And you know, we should feel bad. But I found myself surprisingly conflicted by the whole thing. More on that tomorrow after I see what tonight turns up.

So the theme of the evening was inspirational songs. The mentor was allegedly Bono, but we literally don't even see him for a second. I'm dubious that he even met these kids, and that his mentorship was, like, leaving Post-It Notes with Dove Promises-esque inspirational notes. ("Remember: Hugs are free," or "Take time to get to know you today," or, for Phil, "I know what you are, and I will destroy you.") I'm sure he'll pop up tonight because Bono's never met a celebrity charity function he didn't like.

Chris kicked off the night with Eric Clapton's "Change the World." Strike one right there. I cannot stand Clapton, and while this song is one of his better tunes, that's not saying much. Strike two comes from the fact that after the multiple stunts he pulled last week (talking back to Simon, arguing that "nasally is a form of singing," using the VTech tragedy as a calculated ploy to get votes, acting like a punk on Wednesday re: Peter Noone) I am completely and totally done with him. I actually want him to go home before Phil at this point, I find his personality so revolting. Unfortunately he actually sings it pretty well. The beginning is rough, but he's actually kind of awesome by the end. BUT! I can take solace in the fact that the performance is the standard Chris Performance, this time with Added Stool Action. You know what I mean: He stares all puppy-dog-eyed into the camera, bobbles around, and does that head tic where he whips his face to the side superfast in between lines. It is the exact same performance he does every week. You could mute all of his numbers on this show, view them simultaneously on seperate TV sets, and it would look like he is singing the same song. I guarantee you.

Melinda chose a kind of awful Faith Hill song, "There Will Come a Day." I like Faith and I like parts of the song, but it's an awful lot of screaming. Thankfully Melinda is a pro and knows how to make screaming musical, and she nailed it. She also looked great. But as I was watching it I realized I don't want Melinda to win anymore. I love her dearly, think she's amazing, but she wouldn't make a very good Idol. Jordin would. And Melinda peaked way, way too early. She's got a lot to live up to every week. Poor dear.

Blake made the incredibly stupid move of choosing John Lennon's "Imagine." Can we, as a people, all decide to put a moratorium on this song for at least 20 years? There have been countless covers of this song by countless artists who think they're making some "important" statement or whatever, and virtually none of them add anything to the original. It's just one of those songs that cannot be improved on. Why bother? Blake certainly didn't improve on it. He sung it. Competently. It sounded fine. His voice has improved quite a bit since we started. BUT! There was nothing there. It was just...typical. The most exciting part of the performance was trying to figure out why he was dressed like Jean Valjean. Huge misstep for Blake on a week where he really needed to wow us.

Speaking of missteps, Lakisha decided that out of all the inspirational songs out there, a smart move would be to choose "I Believe," Fantasia's coronation number from AI3. Lakisha. No. Listen, I'm sure Lakisha is a very nice woman. And as Paula summed up, she's a powerhouse vocalist. But she is no Fantasia. And boy, did this performance hammer that home. Like last week, it was Lakisha basically screaming at us for 80 percent of the song, and more awkward phrasing. It revealed all of her faults --- specifically, that she's got a lot of volume and an OK range, but very little control. Pale imitation, that's the best you can really say. The judges said essentially that, but Ryan decided he needed to make her feel better so I don't think any of it sunk in. Lakisha can go any time now, folks. Whenever you're ready.

Phil is apparently starting to let his hair grow in. Not going to help at this stage. How is this man still here? Who is voting for Phil Stacey? I actually screamed that at the TV. He picked some Garth Brooks song about change that I'm not familair with. It was certainly the least-country Garth Brooks song I've ever heard. But he actually sang really well. Problem was it, it was totally Broadway show tune, not a country song. And I think it's really sad that since Phil got some love from country week he's all "I'm country!" but he can't even do that right. Poor, useless Phil. Why can't you leave me alone?

Jordin closed down the night with "You'll Never Walk Alone." I was worried, because talk about screamy --- that's like the shoutiest song ever made. It's also very old, and insanely precious. But she did it. It wasn't perfect --- I actually thought the judges were overly effusive --- but it was pretty damn good, and showcased the level of vocal control she has (hear that, Lakisha?). She also looked amazing. And you know, Jordin would totally make a GREAT Idol. We've never had one as young as her, she's perky, she's poppy, she's amazing, a great role model. I'm officially shifting my imaginary votes to Jordin. And since she's surging while Blake and Lakisha are tumbling...could it happen?

In trouble tonight: Lakisha, Phil, Chris (Blake will get a sympathy bump from last week; Jordin and Melinda are safe)

Who will go home: Hopefully Phil or Chris, because they have outlived their usefulness. But I think Lakisha's reign may be at an end.

Also, I am VERY EXCITED to see Kelly Clarkson on AI again tonight, even if her new song kind of reeks.

As mentioned in yesterday's blog, I'm really conflicted about this whole "Idol" charity thing. Last night pushed me distinctly into the "this is kind of offensive" camp. Let me explain: I am all for charity. I am all for helping to end hunger and poverty and injustice in our world, and especially in our own country. I am all for the obscenely rich people in the business and entertainment communities opening their pockets and doing what they can to help out.

The problem is, I'm not convinced that that's really what happened last night. Much has been made about how, on Tuesday, for every vote cast for the contestants, the show's sponsors donated money to "Idol"'s relief fund. Swell. But...is this charity? It frankly seems like really brilliant advertising to me. To wit, I can tell you off the top of my head that Coca-Cola, Ford, AT&T, ConAgra, and Exxon were all sponsors. How do I know this? Because the producers kept shoving those names in my face. How is that not advertising, and the most cynical kind of advertising there is --- attaching their names to a charity for greater exposure? This was especially egregious with Exxon, when the CEOs or whatever were brought up to stand next to Ryan and get their egos fluffed. Do you know how much ExxonMobil made last year in profit? Try $39.5 billion. That's one of the top three profits in the country. Now here's another math question: How much are you paying at the pump every time you fill up? And these guys are making $39.5 BILLION in profits? And I should applaud them for giving, at most, a couple million last night? While I'm being repeatedly admonished to open my wallet? You've got to be kidding me.

And that's just one example. Meanwhile, I remain confused as to how the show itself actually gave back. The sponsors ponied up (for free advertising) and its viewers put out, but did the producers of the most successful show on television actually give any money themselves? Sure, they staged this de facto telethon. But I'm sure the ratings will be huge; again, not exactly what I would consider the selfless act they kept poking and prodding all of us to engage in last night.

All ethical issues aside, the evening wasn't very entertaining. At times it was downright embarrassing. Ryan completely blew the intro, and then forced the camera crew to re-do the lead in on a LIVE TV SHOW. Jesus, Seacrest. He then kicked it to the very current and relevant Earth, Wind & Fire, who performed a medley of their greatest hits, "Shining Star," "September," and "Boogie Wonderland." And listen, I love E,W&F. I have two of those three songs on my iPod. But what the hell were they doing there? And what in god's name was going on with that guitarist!? Yikes.

Then some stuff happened. I don't know. It kind of all melted into some horrible, dull blur of bad performances, less bad performances, and montage after montage of people starving, dying, or living in poverty in America. Some of these packages were touching; I found Simon's particularly moving, and Randy should do more voice-over work. But after a while I felt punished. I imagine it was like one of those time-share pitch sessions that people got suckered into in the '90s, where you go on a "free trip" and then are forced to listen to these people harass you until you relent and just buy into a vacation home you don't need and can't afford. Obviously, we do need to cure malaria and feed the homeless and save these babies, but you get what I'm saying --- by the end I was numb because of the unrelenting nature of the pitch.

The single greatest argument for giving money --- and the only time I actually thought about picking up the phone and pledging --- was the video of Carrie Underwood in an African village set to her cover of The Pretenders' "I'll Stand By You." Now THAT was moving. When she cried while praying with those kids? I am not made of stone, people! But then they followed it up, I don't know, smarmy Josh Groban, and that was it. My philanthropic urges quickly subsided.

On the performance front, there were some BAD numbers last night, y'all. Il Divo --- Simon's pet project, I might add, so again, look who's profiting --- just butchered "Somewhere." I cannot imagine who buys Il Divo discs, but you'd at least think they'd hold out for cuter boys who can't sing. Did we learn nothing from the boy band heyday of the go-go '90s? Rascal Flatts was excruciatingly bad with "My Wish"; the band was too loud, although I shouldn't complain since it helped drown out the singer's piggish squeal. Annie Lennox was one of the best of the night on "Bridge Over Troubled Water," but it lacked the power I typically enjoy in Lennox's voice.

The big "moment," a duet between Elvis and Celine Dion, was really kind of lame. Ryan pitched the bit to us saying that they were taking Dion back in time to the year she was born, 1968. And I immediately responded, "...Can we leave her there?" Alas, it was just a hokey film editing thing with an old performance of Elvis singing a song I've never heard, with Dion taking a couple verses. She sounded good, but looked totally bored by the whole thing; I half expected her to just start looking at her watch. The choice to do a fuzzy screen on her to make it match the Elvis footage made my friend think they shot the whole thing out of focus. It was just stupid.

But not the stupidest thing about the night! That would be the "Staying Alive" karaoke megamix featuring, well, everybody. A partial list includes Helen Mirren, Lisa Kudros, Goldie Hawn, Keira Knightley, David Schwimmer, Teri Hatcher, Rob Schneider...it goes on like this. And they all lip-synched to the Bee Gees' "Staying Alive." Which fits in because...we want kids in Africa to stay alive? I guess? I was mortified for everyone involved. Like, seriously. It was so embarrassing. The only people to escape with their dignity were Miss Piggy and Sarah Michelle Gellar, who managed to look sexy as hell while everyone else looked a fool.

Interesting to note: We've been told all along that Pink, Sasha Baron Cohen, either J Lo or Gwen Stefani (I forget which) and others were supposed to be involved in this. Nowhere to be seen.

Kelly Clarkson did, however, make an appearance, but over at the Florida branch presided over by Ellen. (I bet she can't bear to think of being on that stage again.) K.Clar sang some song I don't know, but man did she sing it well. In fact, the Idols past and present came off looking 10 times better than any of the so-called pros who took the stage that night. So take that, snotty critics.

Speaking of our actual Idols --- ostensibly the point of this entire three-ring circus --- nobody went home. That's right. Ryan said that they couldn't eliminate someone on such a charitable night. So I watched this for nothing. The worst, though, was the emotional torture they put those poor kids through. They didn't even begin the results until after the first hour, and then did it one by one through the second. The last two were Chris and Jordin, and Ryan made Jordin think she was going home. That was just MEAN! She was visibly upset at the end. However, it kind of cements my opinion that the show is now actively pimping Jordin. The folks at home were probably losing it last night at the thought of Jordin getting booted, and will vote for her in full force here on out. This was her "scare." And she needed it at this point.

So next week we get rid of two. Well, that's "charitable." And the votes from this week will be added to next week's votes, which is ridiculous. If someone has a lousy week or a really good week it won't matter. Just please let it be Phil and Chris. Please. Give back to me for wasting two hours of my life, people.