Country night! Historically, not a good place for would-be Idols not named Carrie, Kellie, Bucky, or whoever that Army guy was. And last night was rough indeed. Martina McBride was the guest mentor. I like some of Martina's stuff, and she's surely had some big hits. But...doesn't she seem a little B-list after J-Lo and Gwen Stefani? We couldn't get Faith, or Reba, or --- my personal dream come true --- Dolly Parton?

Phil opened the night singing Keith Urban's "Where the Blacktop Ends." As predicted, Phil proved fairly well suited for country --- it's all about phrasing and power notes --- but the performance was as lifeless as ever. He meandered through the crowd, stared blankly into the camera. He manages to be inauthentic at every possible moment. I don't even believe he actually intends to be breathing sometimes. (That might explain the vampiric appearance...) The judges told him it was OK, and that the genre suited him. And Phil shot off some line about "That's what I want to do!" Really, Phil? Then how is it that you've chosen almost no country songs�throughout your tenure�in this competition, and haven't put yourself into the very welcoming Country Ghetto that this show provides to at least one contestant every year? He is such a phony. He wasn't the worst last night, but I still want him gone this week. I can't take much more.

Jordin looked fantastic and sang McBride's "With a Broken Wing." She was effortless. I will admit that she almost --- almost --- overshot the notes on the first chorus, but she held it together. It was controlled, subdued, lovely, and powerful. Simon told her that it was the first time he could actually see her winning the competition. Oh, how I wish that were true...

Sanjaya out-Sanjaya'ed himself. WOW. So, the song choice: "Let's Give ‘Em Something to Talk About" by Bonnie Raitt. I would argue that this is only tangentially country --- I've never considered Raitt a country artist, more blues/AC --- and Sanjaya makes some lame joke that he's "always giving people something to talk about." True that. And he gave us plenty to chew on last night: The denim outfit straight of the 1980s teen gang flick "The Warriors." The 'do-rag hiding his Carrot Top'ed mane. His MANGLING of the song. Sanjaya has never sounded worse, and this is the manchild who brought you "Steppin' Out." Atrocious. He "flirted" with the back-up singers and the band, who are clearly so done with this kid. So is Simon, who SMACKED HIM DOWN, and then when Ryan interjected, Simon smacked HIM down. That was awesome. But it needs to be said: Sanjaya was by far the most entertaining thing about the show last night.�Hilariously awful!

Just plain awful was Lakisha, who made the dubious choice of covering "Idol"'s own Carrie Underwood. "Jesus Take the Wheel." I'm ashamed to admit that I kind of like that song. But not Lakisha's version. The beginning wasn't terrible --- her phrasing was off --- but when she hit the chorus, woof. She just SCREAMED. I felt physically assaulted. I actually said to the TV, "Take it, Jesus! Take the wheel! Anything to get her off my screen!" It was bad, and not just boring bad like a usual Lakisha jam. The judges basically told her as much, and Lakisha could be in trouble. I would welcome that. She's the least interesting of the Divas 3 at this point, and by a large margin. Also: those boots. No.

I winced when Chris came on the screen, imagining the torture that his squealy voice would inflict on my ears during country week. But then he picked Rascall Flats' "Mayberry," and I thought: awesome! I actually really like that song, and duh, Chris is TOTALLY Rascall Flats. But then he sang. Not awesome. I'm not sure if the fiddle was off, or Chris was off, but there was some major bad sonic mojo on that stage in the beginning and end of the song. He got better during the chorus, but it was still that shifty-eyed, hunched-up shtick he pulls out every week, and it's tiresome. No connection to the words --- OK, like I believe that Chris Richardson even knows what Mayberry refers to --- and the judges knocked him about quite a bit for that. Chris then made two potentially fatal errors: First, he argued with Simon, snotting that "nasal is a vocal choice" (mmm, no --- it's actually bad singing, Chris, as any vocal coach will tell you); and then, for no reason whatsoever, he brought up the tragedy at Virginia Tech and expressed his condolences. Perhaps the guy was being sincere, perhaps he was personally affected. (Doubt it; show would have milked that shit.) But it came off as pandering for votes. And because of that and his lip, I am officially, 100 percent done with Chris. Dead to me.

Melinda got hair extensions, and girl looked fly. She now appears to be in her 30s instead of her 50s. Good for you, 'Linda! She also tore through a song I've never heard, "Trouble is a Woman." I intend to download that single tonight. She was sassy, brassy, and bossy. Simon said she was surprising, and needed to do that every week from here on out. I didn't necessarily find it surprising --- I expect Melinda to be great --- but it was a joy, and I covet her.

The pimp slot was reserved for Blake and his version of Tim McGraw's "When the Stars Go Blue." There was nothing country about the song at all, and Blake's vocals were pitchy in parts. However! My brother --- who never watches the show, but was forced into last night's viewing --- said that he could totally hear Blake's version on pop radio. And I agree. As a song, it was good. As a country song it didn't exist. I'm ambivalent.

In trouble: Lakisha, Chris, Phil, Sanjaya

Should go home: Sanjaya!

Will go home: Phil, Chris, or Lakisha, and I would be happy with any of those results