Last night's "Heroes" was the big five-year-jump episode, where our time-traveling friend Hiro accidentally brought Ando to the future so we can all see what terrible fates await all our favorite characters. It was kind of tough to watch since just yesterday I watched "Children of Men," and I've had my fill of incredibly depressing the-future-is-a-shitbox tales for the time being, thank you very much.

A LOT happened in this episode, and I kind of need a flow chart to figure it all out. The broad strokes that you need to know: The Heroes failed to stop the bomb from going off, so New York is a wasteland and millions of people died. Not long thereafter Nathan apparently became President (Linderman is never seen, nor mentioned, but we can assume he's involved somehow). The world believes that Sylar was the bomb and so President Nathan has started a war on Heroes that includes them being imprisoned or worse. Working for him is Mohinder, who is trying to find a "cure" for their genetic mutations, and Matt Parkman, who is a straight-up dick. Seriously, if I hated Parkman before I downright loathed the character after this episode. The man is a sheep. Future Hiro has been working in Issac's old loft to create a timeline map so that he can pinpoint the critical moments in the past that he could go to to change the future. One of them was his subway meeting with Peter that we saw in episode 2 or 3; the other is stopping Claire's death at the hands of Sylar, which made him unstoppable. Our Hiro and Ando inform him that Peter did save Claire, so Future Hiro seems to think that they've started to change the past; all they have to do now is go back and kill Sylar so that he doesn't blow up New York.

Couple problems with this theory: 1) Claire is still alive in this timeline, although pretty much everyone thinks that she's dead. It's all a ruse perpetrated by Bennett to keep her safe. (Oh, I just love him....) She's working as a waitress in Texas and is now a brunette. Surprisingly, she kind of rocks the darker locks. 2) Sylar didn't blow up, Peter did. Nathan covered up his brother's big oops moment and blamed it on Sylar. So what none of the characters, save for maybe future Peter, realize is that all this talk about killing Sylar to save the world? Is meaningless. Sylar had nothing to do with Pete blowing up, at least not that we know of. It's possible that the two of them were fighting in downtown NY and that's what caused Pete to lose control. But...that somehow seems unlikely to me, since Sylar was nowhere around Pete when he had his blow-up visions earlier this season. The other problem is that we've seen Sylar apparently come back from the dead/heal quickly before, from his first appearance when Matt shot him to Mohinder's drug gambit. So I'm not convinced that Hiro could kill him anyway.

Like I said, it's complicated. And that's good. I love not knowing what the hell's going on some times.

A couple other interesting points:

-President Nathan in the future isn't Nathan, it's Sylar, who apparently killed Nate, illusion-casting girl (I don't know why I can't remember her name) to fool everybody, and several other known Heroes. He also kills Claire after his lackey Parkman brings her back to meet Daddy. It's a pretty great scene.

-Parkman is apparently the father of his cheating wife's as-yet-unborn child, as in the future it's revealed that the kid has powers. I don't really care. I hate Matt and I want him off the show immediately.

-Nikki and Jessica do integrate into one consistent personality eventually, and she ends up dating a scar-faced Peter. In the future she goes back to stripping as a way of avoiding Micah and DL's apparent deaths in NY (however, Hiro refers to DL being alive later in the episode, and Sylar seemingly uses his powers too, so...that doesn't make sense).

-Ando dies in New York, and his death breaks Hiro's spirit and is what pushes him to become darker and hopeless.

One really interesting thing to note is that when future Peter and Sylar faced off at the very end, they both manifested different radioactive energy signatures - Sylar's was yellow, Pete's was blue. That suggests to me that they're not both using Radioactive Ted's powers; that perhaps Sylar took somebody else's abilities. I'm not entirely clear on it, but that could be a big clue. Or maybe not.

Lastly, a new character named Molly is teased, and she appears next episode as a very young girl with the power to stop Sylar. I have no idea what that could be, but I'm intrigued.

Only three more episodes until the end of the season!

It was Bon Jovi night. Yuck. Ryan hyped the band as unquestionably "one of the greatest rock bands ever." Um, no? I was alive and sentient for all of Bon Jovi's heyday, and while they were certainly ridiculously popular, I can't recall the band getting anything but the most tepid of props from the actual rock community. Bon Jovi creates easily digestible catchy pop-rock nuggets. They had a string of hits. Why falsely make them out to be artistes when you can legitimately trumpet the fact that they used cute looks and hummable hooks to sucker the American public into loving them for a decade or so? Isn't that what this show is about anyway?

Phil was up first, and sang "Wanted Dead or Alive in a Blaze of Glory," or whatever the song is called. I'm still convinced that the two songs for the "Young Guns" movies are actually one and the same. Phil sang it well. He wasn't bad. He just...was. I have a hard time feeling anything for a Phil Stacey performance in general, but especially when he's singing about being in shoot-outs and drawing first blood or whatever. It's just so silly. The song is about as culturally relevant as Lou Diamond Phillips or Weird Al, or, come to think of it, Phil Stacey.

Jordin went next and chose "Living on a Prayer." It was an apt song choice, since after her performance she'll be counting on divine intervention to make it through. AWFUL. Seriously, guys. You know I love Jordin, but this was a disaster from beginning to end. The lows were too low, the highs were too high (she shrieked throughout the chorus) and there were maybe four bars in tune. Thing is, Jordin knew it, and while being dissected by the judges she kept interrupting to agree with them. I'm not sure if that'll actually help or hurt her since even I was getting annoyed with the self-doubting routine. I'm hopeful that her fake scare from last week plus her very real one from this week motivated her fans to get out there and vote, because I will be crushed if she's sent home.

I actively hoped that Lakisha would bomb. I know, I'm terrible. Unfortunately she was amazing on "This Ain't a Love Song." It was a flashback to the Lakisha of yore, the flashy, brassy young woman who just came out and belted a fantastic tune every week. The judges loved it, and Simon even gave her a kiss. It was a cute, if overly manufactured (by Seacrest; imagine that) moment. I still want her to go home this week; she's too much of a potential drain on Melinda and Jordin's votes.

Blake died his hair brunette (or washed the blonde dye out) and it does him no favors. It makes his chin look chunky, and while I'm typically all about a prominent chin, it makes him look vaguely Flintstone-ian. He chose "You Give Love a Bad Name." Fine. Certainly one of Jovi's better numbers. But Blake decides to take a "risk" and "be original" by...beatboxing half of the song. Point: This was not original. We've seen Blake do this on multiple occasions since January. Point 2: It was exceedingly lame. I was cringing when he did his little skit in the beginning in which he mimed putting on a record and mimicked the sounds. Remember that guy from the "Police Academy" movies who did all the sound impressions? Yeah, Blake sure does. When you're a B-rate Michael Winslow and you're trying to pass it off as "edgy," you have no cred at all with me. The judges loved it; I couldn't shake the feeling that all of the tricks and gimmicks were to hide the fact that he can't sing very well. I'll stick to my assessment, I think.

Speaking of not singing well, Chris chose the other half of "Wanted Dead or Alive in a Blaze of Glory." (Not joking: thought it was the same song as Phil's for the first 10 measures.) It was the whiniest cowboy anthem ever staged. It wasn't bad, but it was kind of embarrassing. Simon told him that he did the best he could do with a genre that wasn't his own. Probably true. Doesn't mean I have to give him a cookie. I want him gone, America.

Melinda went last and performed "Have a Nice Day." If a goofier song has ever been written, I'd like to hear it. Even "I've Got a Brand New Pair of Rollerskates" has some subversive meaning, and "Funkytown" is, well, "Funkytown," which translates to "Awesome." But "Have a Nice Day" is quite literally a string of hoary old clichés rattled off with false swagger. I was embarrassed for Melinda as she sang it, but she sang the hell out of it. The judges mentioned a distinct Tina Turner vibe, and that's exactly what she did. She was worried about being a rocker, but she totally pulled it off. I love Melinda, I really do, but she's too much of a pro for this.

Lastly, at some point in the show Seacrest presented a special video message from Dubya and Mrs. President thanking the "Idol" viewers for "Idol Gives Back." It raised nearly $70 million for charity. Awesome; now how about you do your job, Mr. Bush, and actually eliminate poverty in your country instead of relying on middle-class families to do it for you? Don't tell me you don't have the money in the piggybank since you keep throwing untold billions into the money pit that is your little oil war. He also took pains to thank all the celebrities who donated their time (gee, exposure on the most popular TV show on the planet; yes, they really put themselves out there...) and specifically Bono. And this? This pissed me off. From what we saw, "mentor" Bono stood in the doorway creepily watching the Idols sing, then moseyed over the piano to feed them some cornball lines about changing the world or whatever. Wow, Bono. You did SO MUCH for this program. Let's single him out and throw more praise his way. I don't think that ego is big enough yet. HATE!

Who's in trouble: Well, since two people out of six are going home...everybody (except probably Melinda, maybe Blake).

Who's going home: PLEASE let it be Lakisha and Chris, but I'm worried about Jordin. Also, anytime for Phil. Anytime.

We have officially reached the part of the season where I get physically exhausted just by watching this show. It never ends. I want my life back! But we must soldier on.

Thankfully two of these suckers went home last night, and it was indeed the right two. Thank you, America. I got a little bit of hope back...

...but I also lost even more when, to fill the entire, totally unnecessary hour-long episode, we had offensive filler. More man-on-the-street interviews, more blowing smoke up Blake's ass from Tuesday's performance (it wasn't original or a risk, America; he's done the same thing for weeks. Think critically!), more tooting of the "Idol Gives Back" horn and harassment for your hard-earned money. It all made me a little sick.

But not as sick as when this "singer" named Robin Thicke came on stage and "performed" some "song" I have never heard. And my friend tells me that this "song" is very popular. I am agog. This is not a song. This is a creepy, creepy man on stage mumbling in a bad falsetto. There is no rhythm, no dynamics, no delivery, no nothing. THIS IS NOT A SONG! I don't even know what that was, but that man wouldn't make it through the initial auditions. He'd be one of those poor mentally ill people that Simon and the producers love to make fun of because making fun of the mentally ill is HILARIOUS, right? And this is popular? America, sometimes I just do not understand you...

So anyway, we got two sets of results, with the group split in half. First group: Melinda, Lakisha, Phil. I was kind of hoping that LaKiKi would go home, but no, it's Phil. TOTALLY fine with that. He gets the Carrie Underwood "I'll Stand By You" song for his montage, which is hilarious since he couldn't even manage to be with his wife when she was giving birth to his own daughter. But whatever. I'm glad you're dead, Phil. Or undead, as the case my be.

Then vaguely creepy freak show-inspired pimpomercial set to "Paint it Black." I don't know who's in charge of these this year, but they are making some very poor musical choices. I mean, I love that song, but this group? Is not really a Rolling Stones group. A few things to note: Lakisha and Phil are almost completely ignored (although Phil sure looks like a freak, so he fits), Chris wears a sleeveless vest (thank you), and if Fall Out Boy ever needs a new lead singer, Blake wears the eye makeup suspiciously well.

Then Bon Jovi performed some terrible new song. Give up already, guys. You don't even have your looks anymore, so what's the point? I flicked to a repeat of "Shear Genius," an episode I've already watched literally four times. I preferred that over a Bon Jovi performance. What does that tell you? The final group of Blake, Chris, and Jordin are brought up. Except Jordin, who is told to sit down immediately after the BS Seacrest pulled on her last week. Thank GOD. So total gay boyfriends (not really) Blake and Chris are left, and of course it is terrible Chris going home. A few weeks too late by my estimation. I think it's awesome that the two guys that sung Bon Jovi's lame cowboy song catalogue last night got cut. He gets the typical Daughtry elimination music, and it occurred to me that if he'd been a mute we probably would have gotten along spectacularly.

Next week: The Gibb Brothers are here to make you boogie! I am legitimately excited!

Know this: I’m a huge comic geek. I’ve been reading the so-called funny books (although they’re rarely funny) for more than 20 years. So when it comes to super-hero movies my expectations tend to be pretty high. “Spider-Man 2” not only met those hopes; it exceeded them. It was a great movie, comic-based or not. So the Spidey team had a lot to live up to with this third, possibly final flick. And…they didn’t quite do it. Not quite.

“Spider-Man 3” is a decent flick. There’s about an hour of it that’s actually quite good. But as I feared watching the countless trailers, there’s simply way too much going on here. The major plot lines include:

-Peter and Mary Jane’s romance, which reaches new highs and lows

-Mary Jane’s stage career, which reaches new highs and lows

-Peter’s photog job at the Daily Bugle, which reaches new highs and lows

-Peter’s relationship with Aunt May, which…remains largely unchanged, but goes through a couple critical changes

-The introduction of Flint Marko, an escaped con who’s far more connected to Peter Parker’s life than either of them know (and, frankly, too much for my personal taste)

-The transformation of Marko into the silicon-based Sandman, who contributes some of the movies flashiest special effects sequences

-The ongoing rivalry between Peter/Spidey and Harry Osborne, who fully embraces his father’s identity as the new Goblin (although with a truly generic costume; at least his toys are cool)

-The introduction of Gwen Stacy, a second love interest for Peter and substitute damsel in distress (in case Kirsten Dunst decides not to come back for the proposed fourth film, she can slip right in)

-The introduction of Eddie Brock, a smarmy wannabe photographer gunning for Peter’s gig at the Bugle

-The introduction of the alien symbiote, which inexplicably falls from space, coincidentally lands near Peter, and later grafts itself onto Peter

-The birth of Venom, the anti-Spider-Man

And those are just the plot lines that are set up! It says nothing of what happens when they develop, intersect, and spin-off into different directions.

Almost all of those individual plot points are handled well, and the arcs developed quite nicely. But that is a LOT to fill into one film, and while director Sam Raimi deserves credit for pulling it off as well as he does, I’m unconvinced that he needed to go through all the trouble.

Specifically, the movie could have existed quite nicely without the Sandman at all. The film could have been about an hour shorter and much tighter if he didn’t exist, and Thomas Haden Church brings almost nothing to the part except sad puppydog eyes. As I mentioned earlier, he makes for some pretty cool-looking scenes. But in terms of character development and his place in the overall narrative, he’s unnecessary. His actions indirectly prompt Peter to make some emotional choices, but there’s no reason that couldn’t have been set off by the Harry conflict.

Speaking of which, I was dreading the Harry stuff going into this movie. Knowing how Harry’s story ends in the comics --- it was a huge disaster --- I couldn’t imagine it would be remotely interesting. I was wrong. The Harry parts were actually some of the best scenes in the movie. I didn’t like how his arc is resolved, but all in all James Franco impressed me. Which is funny, since he was easily the least interesting parts of the first two flicks.

Topher Grace from “That 70s Show” plays Eddie Brock, and he definitely ratcheted up the smarm. He made a believable Eddie, but a less believable Venom. And I’m not sure what the costume department was thinking giving him those ridiculous fangs. It doesn’t make logical sense that he’d be physically transformed, and they really hampered his line delivery.

The effects on Venom overall were somewhat disappointing. Most of the effects in the movie look amazing, but Venom looks somewhat cheap at times. And while it makes sense to bring him into the films given that he’s the only modern Spidey villain of note, he’s also an awfully complicated, awfully scary character to put into what’s ostensibly a family flick. I refuse to let my 6-year-old nephew see it because I know the Venom stuff would be far too intense for him.

Ultimately, it’s a decent flick. Easily the worst of the three, and deeply flawed in ways I frankly wasn’t expecting. But what do you think? Agree? Disagree? Post your comments below.

Really? That's how it ends? Yuck.

The race's all-star edition ended with a groan, not even a whimper, when the least-interesting team in "TAR" history took home the million-dollar prize. Eric and Danielle --- the only "new" team to race this year --- crossed the finish line at San Francisco's Botanical Gardens first, narrowly beating out the beauty queens, Dustin and Kandice.

Even the producers/editors seemed bored by the finale, which was perhaps the least tense, least competitive I've seen in the show's history. All the teams were on the same flights into SF, there was no taxicab drama on the way to the finish line...it was just uninspiring. The final task that decided who took home the win was basically tested how well the teammates gossiped about the other teams. Blech.

I was rooting for the BQs, but would have been OK with Charla & Mirna winning. Charla's pretty awesome, and the idea of harpy Mirna with half a million dollars tickles me for some reason. But Eric & Dani? REALLY? I thought even including them as "all-stars" was being generous. Danielle was part of a useless team that got nixed within the first three episodes of her season, Eric was clearly the weak link in his original team. They had a totally faked-up showmance (seriously, did he ever once act like someone who was romantically interested in her?), raced poorly more often than not (especially useless Danielle), treated each other like crap, and used nasty homophobic slurs on more than one occassion. Only Freddy & Kendra and Flo (of Zack & Flo) made for less appealing winners. But at least Freddie & Kendra raced well.

It also looks bad for the show in general, as in a finale in which five of the final six competitors were women, somehow the one male managed to win. This show has never had two women win, and has been criticized for unfairly favoring the buff, young male types (and if you look at who's won, more often than not that's exactly the case). This was probably as close as it we'll ever get to an all-girl win, and we lost out so Eric & Danielle could get a million dollars. VOMIT!

The only saving grace: Eric calling ex-partner Jeremy and telling him he won, and then Jeremy totally frat-boying out, saying that he's now rich, and that he's going to give Eric spankings when he gets home. Um, what straight friend assume that he's entitled to half of another straight friend's winnings, and then offers to celebrate by slapping him repeatedly on the buttocks? Jeremy, you totally just let your pink card show on TV. And nobody cares about poor Danielle. As it should be.

BOOOOOOOOO!

Mothers and sons was the unofficial theme of last night's "Heroes." And after the slightly underwhelming future episode the show returned to form. Lots happened; this time we'll go from least interesting to most interesting subplots.

-Nikki and DL teamed up to rescue the Linderman-napped Micah. I stand firm in my abiding love of Jessica/Nikki even though pretty much everyone I know hates the character. But man, I am done with DL. What an awful, awful actor. He's not even soap opera-level. I don't expect either of them to make it to Season 2, but for very different reasons. Anyway, the two of them break into Linderman's hotel and find his hidden art room that also, coincidentally, includes L-man's scrapbooking project devoted to Nikki and DL. After seeing old family photos, grade school report cards, etc., DL surmises that Linderman has been involved in their lives for years, and he suspects that they are in fact Linderman's science projects - with Micah being the end product. If that's the case I'm not sure how I feel about this twist. You're telling me that Linderman would have stood by and done nothing to help Nikki while she (or Jessica - I forget) was being abused by her father, becoming a stripper, etc.? Or when DL went to prison? Clearly he's involved, but the implication that he's been pulling their strings for years doesn't add up.

-Micah figured out that his "mom" is not his mom, and illusion girl (WHY can I not remember that character's NAME?) traps him in a pretty cool Moebius strip of reality that prevents him from escaping. I'm not a fan of Micah, but I'm really starting to love illusion girl.

-Claire and Peter endlessly debated whether or not Claire should go to Paris (and wear that kicky new overcoat courtesy of Mama P) or stay and save the world. Claire wants out; she's sick of being a freak and everyone using her. Normally I would find this kind of petulance annoying, but Claire makes everything look good. Peter ultimately tells her that he's destined to go boom, and tells Claire that if that happens she's the only one who'll be able to get close enough to him to put a bullet in his brain. Then he gives her a gun. Not for nothing, but would a bullet really kill Peter at this point? Even if it was in the back of the head, like the glass? I don't know, I'm just asking. Claire also realizes that she knows someone who can explode, namely Radioactive Ted, who she met when he took her family hostage in Texas. They decide to search for Ted and get Nathan to pull some strings to make it happen.

-Speaking of Nathan, he called Linderman because he's a) failing in the polls and b) still queasy about the blowing-up-New York idea, even moreso with Ted on the map. Linderman sends Eric Roberts to assuage his fears. When Claire sees La Roberts, she freaks and immediately becomes distrustful of Nathan. And she should start freaking about her grandma too, as Mama P reveals that she's totally in league with Linderman and is all for the destruction of New York. Really? I'm kind of bummed about that. I love that character and that actress, and would much rather have had her against Linderman than behind him.

-Mohinder got an interesting plotline (I know!) as he also called Eric Roberts (guy gets around) and tells him that he won't work for them, but they'll for him. Since Mohindy has the formula to find heroes, they need him. And he needs their resources to stop Sylar. Nice try, Mohinder, but no cigar. Eric Roberts totally preys on ‘Hinder's bleeding heart and introduces him to a girl named Molly, who has the power to locate anyone on the plant - including Sylar - but who is dying from the same rare disease that killed Mohinder's sister years ago. The best part is, we already know Molly. In a cool bit of continuity I had totally forgotten about, Molly is the little girl that Matt rescued back in the first six episodes when Sylar killed her family. We never fully understood why Sylar attacked that family and was so intent on killing Molly, but now we know. Very, very cool. Ultimately Mohinder whips up a cure for Molly, so her powers should return. And she also gives him a gold star drawn on paper to protect him from the "boogieman" (Sylar). No idea what that is, but you can bet it'll be significant.

-Ultimately Sylar was the star of the night, as after killing Isaac and stealing his precognitive powers he paints Ted and decides that Sylar is going to kill him and become the exploding man in Isaac's painting. Interestingly, the idea of killing thousands of innocents completely freaks out Sylar, and we see his conscience for the first time. Suddenly Sylar became a much more interesting character. That complexity is only bolstered when he goes totally Clark Kent with the slicked hair, glasses, and sweater vest and visits his mother. (In truth, Zachary Quinto has never looked hotter than in the geek chic.) Their insanely passive-aggressive meeting hits a boiling point when he literally asks her for permission to not be someone special, to just move back to Queens and live the quiet life of a watch repairman. His mother denies him, explaining that she could never let him waste his life like that when he's clearly so special he could be anything, even president (oh, irony...). That seals her fate as Sylar shows just how "special" he is, freezing the water from the sink sprayer into snow and swirling it about, turning her living room into a real-life snow globe, of which she is a collector. At first she's amazed, then frightened, and Sylar goes a little nuts with the display of power and barely sublimated rage for the woman, and starts hurling snow globes at her head. Ouch. She freaks out, grabs a pair of scissors and tries to force him to leave, they tussle, and of course she gets stabbed and dies. Happy Mother's Day!

-That brings us to Hiro and Ando, who zapped back from the future into Isaac's apartment and nearly came face to face with Sylar earlier in the episode. They teleported away, and then followed Sylar to his mom's. They watched as he murdered her, and then Hiro froze time and prepared to kill him with his sword. But at the last minute Sylar unfreezes himself (how does he do that? I suspect it's part of his "I know how things work" power, which naturally kick in to create a solution to whatever immediate danger he's in; think of the Mohinder drug situation) and instructs Hiro to do it, to kill him. Hiro hesitates and Sylar freezes and breaks Hiro's sword. Damn it! We waited a whole freaking season for Hiro to get that thing, and then it's gone in like three episodes. Lame. Hiro and Ando teleport out, and realize that they are well and truly screwed.

-Peter and Claire leave Nathan's office and go to some square in Manhattan with a dual-stair structure (it's vaguely reminiscent of the "heroes" symbol that's sprinkled all over the show) because Peter painted it in a future dream. Peter wants Claire's help to find Ted, who the painting showed at that location. Lo and behold he shows up with Stupid Matt and Bennett, and Bennett and Claire have a tearful reunion interrupted when Pete inadvertently starts absorbing Ted's powers and starts going nuclear. Oops! Good job, Claire. You could have saved the world right there by keeping those two apart, but you had to go and hug your dad, didn't you. ... Oh, who am I kidding? I can't stay mad at you!

Next episode: NBC wants you to think that Peter ‘splodes, but you're not that stupid, are you? You've got at least another episode before that happens.

It's Barry Gibb night. I was really hoping for more disco, but we got a lot of his later ballads instead. Not that there's anything wrong with that - the man wrote some amazing songs, period. And since we need to stretch this mother as far as possible, the Final 4 each sang twice. (Also, props to Barry Gibbs for avoiding plastic surgery. Yes, he looks like something out of Planet of the Apes, but he's like 70. He kind of should.)

I completely missed Melinda's first song. Sorry! Dinner ran late. But based on judges' reactions it wasn't a slam dunk. Her second song, "How Can You Mend a Broken Heart," was oddly meh for the first half, but then she blew it up at the end with key changes, glory notes, stomping, The Works. The judges told her it was better than the first, but Paula encouraged her to do something surprising for once. And I agree. While watching her last night I realized that there's been no progression with Melinda, she's just steadily awesome. And while it's totally screwed up to rag on someone being insanely talented, I feel like we've seen Melinda do these songs a million times already. I need something more, Melinda. Surprise me next week, OK?

Blake SUCKED. I don't care how you try to spin it, no amount of crazy-person-cum-hip clothes (seriously, what was with that second outfit with the three-quarters sweater vest?), surprisingly uninteresting faux hip-hop dancing, or chin stubble could save him from his atrocious performances. The judges gave me hope for our future when they called him out for doing the exact same BS they lauded him for last week, as he bleeped and blooped throughout "You Should Be Dancing," generally sounding like something I'd expect from Napoleon Dynamite (that is not a compliment). Add to that, he was flat throughout. Awful. But not as bad as his second song, a rightfully obscure number called "This Is Where I Came In." The song is straight-up awful - Simon called it "tuneless" and that's being generous - but Blake's goofy performance was even worse. I am now actually cringing every time Blake's on stage. Only Paula is still confused into thinking he's original (how can something be "original" when it's merely recycling a gimmick from the 1980s hip-hop world, and applying it to every song every week?), but I kind of expect that from Paula. I am now actively hoping that Blake goes home. Sad.

Lakisha made the disastrous decision to slow "Staying Alive" by half, which pissed off the audience something fierce. She wasn't great, but I actually really enjoyed the arrangement and I thought she was downright fierce in parts. The judges disagreed. Her second song, "Run to Me," was maybe the best I've ever seen from Lakisha. It was beautiful, passionate, mostly controlled. The judges didn't go as wild as I did; they are crazy. I actually applauded for her in my living room. I'm not the biggest Lakisha fan but I thought she had a bit of a comeback last night. Good on her. She's still in the Bottom 2 tonight, though.

Finally, darling Jordin returned to form by being awesome on "To Love Somebody." It was arguably the number of the night. She really sang the hell out of it, and didn't go overboard with the theatrics. Unfortunately, she did exactly that on "Woman In Love." HOWEVER! This is a Barbra Streisand song, and thus is all about theatrics. You can't really do a subtle Streisand, you know? That said, Jordin was a touch shrill. But I still loved it. I almost downloaded the song from iTunes. Almost.

Who's in trouble: Blake, Lakisha

Who should go home: Blake

Who will go home: Lakisha

The right choice was made, but not the one I wanted.

After more filler than can possibly be enumerated the results came down to Blake and Lakisha in the Final 2, and Lakisha went home. She's definitely done the worst overall job of the Final 4, so it's hard to argue with that result. It's funny though; as we watched her clip reel my friend turned to me during her fiery performance of "You're Gonna Love Me" and said, "Where was that girl in this competition?" Very true. Lakisha commanded semi-finals not only with her big voice, but with her I'm-in-it-to-win-it attitude. That all but evaporated once she made Top 12. It's not the first time that's happened, but boy was it weird here. Her sing-out was "Stayling Alive," and it was another ironically brilliant song choice in the vein of Stephanie's "You Don't Have to Say You Love Me" and Phil's "Blaze of Glory." HA!

But truly I wanted Blake to go. Partially for how unforgivably bad he was on Tuesday, but mostly because he's the biggest threat right now and I DON'T want to see him win. However, maybe Blake's not as popular as I thought --- he landed in the Bottom 2 on a week where he should have gotten sympathy votes (he was Bottom 2 last week too) and he got the critical drubbing of all critical drubbings. If his fan base was ever going to mobilize, last night would have been the time. And yet they didn't. That gives me some hope for the future.

One more episode before the season finale! Very exciting. Although last night's episode started off fairly anticlimactically it picked up considerable speed, putting all the pieces into place for the literally explosive end to Season 1. Things to note:

-It had totally escaped me that the "Walker system" that Bennett was trying to shut down along with Parkman and Radioactive Ted was in fact the girl, Molly Walker. So when he showed up to blow her brains out...yikes. I just don't think Bennett can pull that off. Not that it matters; the episode ended with a Mexican standoff involving Bennett, Molly, Mohinder, and a knocked-out Parkman (can he do anything right?). Also important: Bennett shot and killed Eric Roberts. Cold! (Am I the only one kind of underwhelmed by Roberts' role in this show? Was he really just the lackey?)

-The cliffhanger involving Peter ready to blow up after absorbing Ted's powers was resolved way too simply, with Pete just sucking it up before Claire had to shoot him. It does suggest, however, that something would have to be really wrong for Pete to lose control like he's supposed to. I can't imagine what that is. Anyway, he, Claire, and Ted try to get the hell out of the city before one of the two men goes boom, but that's screwed up when clever Sylar follows them, tricks the cops into nabbing Ted - who is a suspected terrorist - and then promptly ambushes the motorcade and eats Ted's brain. So now Sylar has explosive powers too (duh) and the actor that plays Ted is free to resume his role on the "Cavemen" TV show ABC picked up for fall. May god save us all.

-Hiro's story got hella awesome, as Ando located a metalsmith in the phone book who specializes in fixing ancient samurai swords (and whose ad, conveniently, featured the hero symbol). When they go to visit "Mr. Claremont" (cute, writers) they find George Takei as Hiro's dad. He tells Hiro that he's finally ready to assume the Nakamura mantle (this suggests that there have been others he's tried to work with in the past, hmm...), teaches Hiro how to use the sword properly, and generally kicks large amounts of ass. Hiro's dad is superpowered too, although we never quite figure out what his abilities are. BUT! We do know that he was part of the Linderman/Petrelli parents' group that I also suspect Simone's dad was a part of. This stuff has more twists than the original "Star Wars" trilogy...

-Illusion caster Candice (I finally remembered her name) takes Micah to a polling precinct and instructs him to use his machine-talking powers to give Nathan a landslide victory in his Congressional run. He does, but not before they have a nice chat in which Candice reveals that the form she regularly wears is most likely not her actual form - she alludes to being a very big girl - and that she believes the world is sick, and that Linderman wants to heal it. Micah sees right through that BS, but helps after he's promised that he'll be reunited with his parents and given a huge wad of cash. Oh, Micah...

-And Micah's parents are on their way to rescue him, as Nikki and DL break into Nathan's office, and then Linderman's pad. Ali Larter was great last night, and I love when she plays bad girl Jessica. (Upon running into Parkman, whom she fought several episodes ago, she says: "Didn't I throw you through a window?" Ha!) The two of them have a tense standoff with Linderman in which he admits that the two of them were all a science project in order to produce Micah, and then he bribes Jessica to kill DL. Jessica's ready to do the deed, but Nikki takes over in time and when Linderman goes to shoot her DL takes the bullet. Good. I hope he's dead. However, he does something right by then phasing behind Linderman, reaching into his skull, and taking out a considerable chunk of his brain. So Linderman is "dead." Uh huh. I mean, he could very well be snuffed, but given that his power is healing-related, it's not a stretch that he could be immortal or whatever. If Malcolm McDowell deigns it worth his time to return that shit could totally happen.

-But before he died Linderman gave Nate a little gift: He healed his wife's paralyzed legs. Saw that coming, and I'm sure it'll come into play much later.

So, we have DL and Linderman probably both dead, Nikki with a good reason to leave the show (I keep hearing rumors that she's gone before next season), Sylar ready to blow him up, misguided Ando racing to kill him, Hiro trying to save his friend (not going to happen; Ando's going to die, y'all), Peter and Claire gearing up for the final battle with Sylar, Bennet and Mohinder and Parkman and Molly all pointing guns at one another, and Nathan left in a very complicated, very precarious position. How will it all go down? I don't know, but if they kill off Adrian Pasdar I'd better at least get a couple more shirtless scenes in the finale...

It's the penultimate week of the competition and last night all three final contestants did a pretty great job. But I found myself kind of bored by the whole thing. There's no excitement, no tension. No person I'm just desperately hoping will lose (like last year's eventual winner, Taylor Douchebag Hicks). It was just kind of...eh. Each Idol sang three songs, one chosen by a judge, one chosen by the producers (apparently Clive Davis was busy this year, or hated working with Taylor so much that he swore never to come back?), and the last picked by the Idols themselves.

Jordin went first, and Simon chose Rose Royce's "Wishing on a Star." I have never heard this song in my life; it seems to me fairly obscure. Jordin was too soft through the first half. I don't know if there was audio problems or if the band was too loud, but I had a hard time making out what she was saying. However, she was fantastic toward the end and you can figure out why Cowell picked the song --- it's totally in her wheelhouse vocally and it's fun and kicky. For her second song the producers chose "She Works Hard for the Money" by Donna Summers, an odd choice for a 17-year-old girl since it's either about a) a waitress (yeah right) or b) hookers. Jordin sang it well enough but kind of seemed bored by the song. She has lost a bit of the spark (sorry) that made me love her earlier on. I wonder if she was just insanely nervous or something. For her final song, Jordin went back to "I Who Have Nothing," which was even better the second time than it was the first time she did it in ‘60s week, and it was freaking amazing then so...even more amazing. She got raves, except from Simon, who dinged her for singing an older song. Jordin perhaps ill-advisedly (but justifiably) pointed out that Simon's own pick for her was at least 30 years old, and the producers' pick was at least 20, so...shut up, Simon. He was off last night in general and it upset me.

For Blake Paula chose "Roxanne" by The Police, another song about hookers. It was a theme last night. I think it was Paula's unsubtle code that she would like to sex Blake up, although apparently he's now dating Antonella Barba (vomit --- seriously, Blake...), so god knows he gets to put it wherever he wants right now, Abdul. Blake did as well as he could with the song, which essentially meant that he just kept yelling the words "Roxanne!" and "You don't have to put out the red light!" over and over again. Also note that Blake is the only contestant who ever gets the echo filter on his vocals, which I personally think is an unfair advantage. But whatever. For his second song Blake had to do "This Love" by Maroon 5, and it was great until he started in with the goddamn bleeps and bloops again. SO TIRESOME. The judges once again gave him the "You're so original!" screed, and it made me very sad indeed. For his third song Blake once again became dead to me when chose the Robin Thicke (strike 1!) song "When I Get You Alone," which uses a Beethoven symphony for a background (strike 2!) as the "singer" just speaks faster and faster in higher and higher tones about getting some girl alone and, quizzically, how he loves his father. And I'm pretty sure Blake threw in some more garbagey beatboxing, so strike 3, dude. We are done. Please send him home tonight! I am begging you not to let him within 50 feet of that finale!

Randy picked a Whitney song for Melinda, "I Believe in You and Me." And...I don't think it was a good fit. Everybody loved it, and yes, it was solid. But she's not a showy vocalist, and that's what that song requires. Whitney's all about the flourishes. For her second song the producers picked Ike & Tina Turner's "Nutbush City Limits," which is such an old-sounding song, but of course fits right in with Melinda's thing. She was great, great, great, and wouldn't it be wild if Tina Turner showed up at the finale to sing with her? That would be awesome. Where's she been, anyway? For her final song Melinda picked "I'm a Woman," which I believe was her song for the last night of semi-finals. She was better with it the first time, and that's not a good sign. Both she and Jordin just seemed a bit out of it last night, like Nigel Lythgoe flashed them backstage or something. I don't know what the hell happened.

Simon openly called for Melinda to be the finale, Randy speculated it would be the two ladies, Paula refused to have an opinion. Surprise. Please let Randy be right. I need for this show to end and for it end well this time; I cannot have a repeat of last year....

Whew! Tyra had me worried there for a minute!

The eighth "cycle" of "America's Next Top Model" ended with the right girl winning --- saucy Latina Jaslene --- but it started off what I'm calling The Night Women Got Robbed on Reality TV. Gorgeous Renee was cut in the beginning of the episode after having 1) a gorgeous Cover Girl shot and 2) a likable Cover Girl commercial because the panel decided that she looked "too old." I don't deny that Renee has a harsher look about her (I blame it on the fact that she has smoker skin, and also because she's an expert practitioner of The Bitchface), but she's undeniably pretty in person and has taken outstanding photos throughout the competition. She even had a fairly satisfying redemption arc in which she massively toned down her bitchiness. Renee should have been in the Final 2, no question.

Instead, we got stuck with Natasha. REALLY, Tyra? Throughout the series the judges have continually told me how pretty Natasha is. And look, I'm no fashionista. Every stitch on my back is from Old Navy. But I know pretty. Natasha is not pretty. She can be with a ton of make-up and the right hair, but in general sister is halfway homely. Those enormous sausage lips, the fact that there's almost no discernible gap between her nose and her mouth (giving her a permanent I'm-smelling-poo look), and her enormous bobbly head --- these are not modelesque. Her pictures improved but were still often uninspiring, and last week was a total disaster. Tyra repeatedly praised her for her enthusiasm and infectious attitude. I think Tyra was mistaking stupidity for surprise.

Anyway, somehow Natasha made it to the final runway. And I'll give her this: her walk has improved by leaps since the beginning of the show. She did a great job in the beginning, even brilliantly negotiating a garment malfunction. But Jaslene looked fierce and worked it, top to bottom. Good on her. Plus, her Cover Girl ad and commercial were brilliant.

There was only one clear choice, and thank god Tyra made the right one. If Natasha had won I would have lost a lot of faith in this show. It's not like Jaslene will be a legitimate model anyway, but at least our fake model can make us proud. Plus, who can resist the story of the girl who got rejected last cycle only to come back and win the whole damn thing? Love you, Jaslene. Go knock ‘em dead, you skinny bitch.

Goddamnit, America! Can't you do anything right?!

We were poised to have one of the best Final 2 showdowns in "AI" history with Melinda v. Jordin. And then you cock it up by sending home Melinda last night. Good gravy.

Ultimately it's not that surprising. As my friends pointed out, it had become clear by mid-season that Melinda wasn't actually going to win this thing. She's amazing and will probably have a great career ahead of her (although I still can't imagine what a Melinda Doolittle album will sound like --- blues? Jazz?). But she totally deserved the other slot in Final 2. She was the second victim of the Night of Women Being Robbed by Reality TV (see also: Renee on "Model, Top" and Tabatha on "Genius, Shear").

Another bloated results show, this time with two musical guests. Maroon 5 came on and sang that new song I like, but boy does that lead singer sound awful live. Not surprising. I don't know anyone who could sustain that falsetto without tons of studio help. Band sounded great, tho.

And then: Elliott Yamin! Last year's third-place contestant (how did that happen?) came back to sing a cut from his new album, a Brian McKnight-esque tune that I don't think really ever ends. It just keeps going and going and going...I think Elliott was singing for five minutes straight. But I didn't really notice because I was too captivated by his shiny new veneers and that ridiculous pile of curls on his head. You know those "Friends" flashback episodes where Ross is in high school with the sketchy porno stache and a big ol' fro? Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Elliott Yamin. Even worse. He walked on stage and I literally yelled at the screen, "Welcome back, Mr. Kot-ter!" How has nobody told him that he looks utterly ridiculous? That was the highlight of the night; I haven't laughed so hard in ages.

I'd also like to point out that we haven't seen Taylor Douchebag Hicks once this season, save for the two-second clip during Idol Gives Back. I can't remember the last time a previous year's winner didn't stop by to sing. Everybody hates Taylor! HA!

So it's down to Blake and Jordin. I'm irritated that Blake's even in the picture, and a little worried that Blake seems to be gaining momentum while Jordin seems to be losing some. But I'm telling you right now, America: If you make Blake Lewis win, I'm going to start pulling hair. Not mine, but everyone I see on the street. I don't care if you voted for Blake; you're guilty by association. I will snatch you bald. Don't think I won't. Give this thing to Jordin. Or else.

Oh, thank GOD it's almost over!

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!

OK, now that I've gotten that out of my system...

Charles Dickens would be proud of last night's "Idol" finale; it was truly the best of times, and the worst of times. We got a worthy winner after the disaster that was last year's coronation. We got some great performances by almost all the former Idols (where the hell was Fantasia?). I'm pretty sure I saw Melissa Rivers in the audience. So that's all good. But we also got Gwen Stefani LIP-SYNCHING via remote from her "live" concert somewhere. Aerosmith's Joe Perry losing whatever was left of his credibility by backing up an even-worse-than-ever Sanjaya (seriously, it's not even funny anymore). Green Day obliterating its cred by performing "Working Man's Hero" by John Lennon on the American Idol stage, further proving that just because Lennon wrote a song doesn't make it good. And, of course, more making fun of the emotionally, socially, and mentally retarded via the Golden Idol ceremonies, which honor the losers from the first chunk of the season. (And they were totally rigged, too; there's no way "If Ever I'm In Your Arms Again" guy should have won Best Vocal over recording-booth Sandie; she wuz robbed.)

It would be impossible to go over everything that happened in the two-plus hours the show ran. But there are couple things worth discussing:

-It's funny how almost every one of the established "stars" came off looking terrible while the supposedly green Idols came off looking awesome. Bette Midler --- and really, of the thousands of recording artists out there, BETTE MIDLER? --- sounded absolutely awful last night on "Wind Beneath My Wings." BeBe and CeCe Winans did a number with their former back-up singer, Melinda, and I cannot fathom how they got away with keeping her in the background for years since she is approximately 1 million times better than either of them, and especially the guy; he wouldn't make it past Round 1 of Idol. Without the Winans name I guarantee you he'd be selling used cars somewhere. At least Gladys Knight looked/sounded good.

-I started getting worried early in the evening when the episode seemingly focused on Blake. It seemed to me that he got a LOT more attention in the first half of the show, especially with his...performance with Doug E Fresh. And, seriously guys, I felt like I'd been transported into a 1993 episode of "Yo! MTV Raps." EMBARRASSING. How is this "fresh"? How is this "original"? How is Blake "authentic"? He looked like a scared pup on that stage, and while I guess he held his own toward the end, Doug commanded that performance from the get-go. I don't hate Blake but I'm totally ready for him to fade into obscurity already.

 -Meanwhile, Jordin's big number was a duet with Freaking Ruben. Huh? Did someone cancel? I bet someone cancelled. That said, they sounded great together. If Ruben would release a CD like this I'd consider buying it.

-Nobody likes Taylor Hicks! Ha ha!

-Kelly and Carrie were both awesome, and totally showed up just about every other artist involved with the evening.

-When Blake and Jordin won the cars from Ford, Blake did his very best Borat impression and responded, "Very nice!" Oh, that Blake. So hip! So current! Good sweet Christ...

- Jordin totally faked up the crying when she won. She knew this thing was in the bag. But you know what? Good on her. Manipulate that audience, sweetheart. If the people want to be sheep, then let them be sheep. Just make sure to lead them to your particular pasture.

-And speaking of Our Darling Idol, there was a LOT of backlash directed toward her on the Internets yesterday, way more than was deserved. People accused her of "stinking up the stage" Tuesday night (the Yahoo TV critics), accused the producers of deliberately choosing a final song that favored Jordin over Blake (Kristin from E! Online), and alleged that Jordin is generally a fake bitch (Television WIthout Pity posters). To them I would say: Suck It. I understand that music appreciation is a very personal thing, and what sets one honky's booty shaking is going to sound awful to countless grooveless crackers. However, you can't argue that Jordin sang poorly Tuesday when she absolutely did not. It wasn't her best night by a long shot, but "stunk up the stage"? Come on, now. Put away your fangirl Blake baises and at least give the girl some bloody credit. As for Kristin, whom I typically have the utmost respect for, she apparently didn't bother checking the facts, because the producers didn't pick the coronation song this year; it was an online viewer contest. I'm sure Uncle Nigel et al only put Idol-style upbeat anthems in the finals deliberately, because that's what Idol IS. But that was weeks and weeks prior to Jordin's ascendency to the pimp slot, so they had nothing to do with it. NONE of those songs would have worked for Blake because Blake is not a singer. He is a performer, and not a very original one at that. And finally, I don't care if Jordin is a screaming, entitled brat back stage. When she's on camera she's amazing and sweet and likable. Carrie Underwood is allegedly an actual robot. Chris Daughtry was apparently a total diva. Fantasia was literally illiterate. Who cares? When they're on stage they are amazing, and that's what I want from an Idol.

I think that's it for now. I hope to put together some sort of season-long retrospective blog post late this week/early next, since I've literally spent more than an entire workweek watching this show at this point. (Terrifying, no?) In the mean time, please watch "So You Think You Can Dance," which at times out-Idols "Idol" with its fresh talent. And I'm pretty sure I saw Sex (that's his name, just Sex) in the previews, and that can only be a good thing.

I didn't think it was possible for a show to jump the shark by Week 2, but "On the Lot" might have done just that. Fox and series exec producer Steven Spielberg need to get a meeting STAT, because this show has all the signs of a colossal failure. And given how much money Americans spend on movies every weekend, and how box office figures are standard Monday morning watercooler talk, there's just no reason a reality show about the movie biz should be tanking.

This third episode was a complete disaster. It started with a massive narrative jump that is never addressed, switched to a new, unbelievably dull format, switched hosts, spent too much time on the panel of infuriating judges, and also featured some of the worst short films I've ever seen. There was nothing good to be found here. It really was just that bad.

The show opened with a new host whose name I cannot remember; she has black hair, enormous hoop earrings, and dressed like a hostess at a moderately priced Italian restaurant in East Rochester. What the hell happened to Chelsea Handler? I wasn't a huge fan of her, but she was unquestionably better than this dingbat, who spent the entire episode groping the would-be directors, flailing her hands about, subconsciously (I hope) drawing attention to her breasts, and making inappropriate comments. She is
singularly awful. Anyway, New Girl informed us that we're down to the Final 18, and they're here to show their next assignment, a 1-minute comedy short that they had a week to create.

WAIT! Back up. When we left the show on Thursday we had (I think) 24 contestants and they were being sent to the Paramount lots to shoot one scene in one hour. That was the challenge. They teased us by showing Claudia wasting literally 23 minutes of her hour going over the script, and somebody else completely biffing a courtroom scene. This was going to be the first time the viewers saw the directors go it alone. And, if I'm correct, they never showed us those flicks. They never showed us the judges' deliberations that took us from 24 to 18. They never told us who went home. They just zipped us right to the Top 18 and here we are.

WHAT? Have these people ever seen a reality show? Do they know how to edit.anything? There was a narrative jump so severe here that I think one of the hack contestants must have put this episode together, because it is mind-boggling. We skipped right past semi-finals --- in which we were behind the scenes with the directors, learning who they were and getting to understand the movie-making process --- and are now in the finals, with these goobers just screening their stupid awful films in front of a live audience, and us at home. Unsatisfying. And just plain stupid. I'm agog.

The contestants were brought up one by one to screen their shorts, and if this is what they can churn out in a week I have serious doubts about where this show is going. Three-quarters of these submissions were deeply flawed, if not downright terrible. Some
translated humor in the crudest ways possible (I lost count over how many used farts, pee jokes, puke, or other bodily functions to elicit laughs). Some managed to lack enough narrative cohesion to even sustain a minute-long short (the airport security one --- was that guy real or imagined? Was it all a dream? In the office short, how did a story about a guy "not getting it" turn into a story about coming up short on the job, and involve a man running over a stapler with an SUV?). And some were just pathetic, vision-deficient tripe. I'm talking the repugnant Marty Martin's aggressively derivative "The Big Heist," which a) ignored the assignment completely by being an action trailer instead of a comedy short and b) stole shots directly from at least three movies that I could see,
"Ocean's 11," "The Transporter," and "Reservoir Dogs." Mateen Kernet's "Soft" totally bucked those racial stereotypes that he's so concerned about by featuring a gang of no-good layabout punks who decide that mugging an old lady is "cool." (The short was also
apparently mixed in a bathroom; what's with the terrible sound quality?)

But honestly, I'd take at least competently done hack work over some of the disasters screened last night. Kenny Luby of Owego seriously grated last week with his huge "I Don't Need Film School" chip on his shoulder and barely contained misogyny. This week he turns out the most amateurish clip I've ever seen. It made commercials on public access television look polished. Words cannot even describe what the hell "Wack Alley Cab" was supposed to be, but I'm pretty sure he directed his protagonist to channel Bobcat Goldthwait. BOBCAT GOLDTHWAIT, PEOPLE! His sparring partner from last week, Jessica Brillhart, joins him in the loser corner with her unfathomable "How to Screw in a Light Bulb." I have no concept whatsoever about what was happening there, only that whatever metaphor she specifically mentioned was utterly lost, and that it seemed to be shot on a cellphone camera. I guess Kenny's right: If that's what NYU's cranking out you sure as hell don't need film school.

Then there was poor Jason Epperson from Kentucky, whose "Getta Rhoom" transcended bad and went straight to offensive. It's worth watching if only to see just how wrong things went last night. This man somehow failed to notice that his lead actor, who was supposed to be playing a huge nerd, undeniably played the character as mentally retarded. And then terrible things happen to said person, and the long and short of it is we're supposed to laugh at the mentally handicapped. It is unbelievable to me that anyone with even the slightest sense of how to tell a story could watch that footage and not immediately see the cringe-worthy results. I think Jason's a nice guy but he deserves to go home for that.

Actually, all but about six of the 18 deserve to go home. Out of them all, I was impressed only by Will Bigham's cute (if unoriginal) "Lucky Penny," Phil Hawkins' mostly well executed "Please Hold," Shalini Kantayya's "Love in the Year 2007" (if only she could
have self-edited and focused on the speed dating only), Claudia La Bianca's "Blind Date" (a good idea with some odd choices --- what the hell was going on with the cup full of rocks?), and Zach Lipovsky's "Danger Zone," because he continues to raise
the bar each week. Last week it was his special effects work, this week it was shooting his entire short in one take.

Not that most of these numbskulls have any hope of getting better, not with the feedback these "judges" are offering. Carrie Fisher and I were getting along just fine last week but she lost major points with me last night. She and Garry Marshall took turns verbally
fellating most of the first half-dozen contestants despite their thoroughly mediocre work (I know the producers want me to want Andrew Hunt to win this, but I thought his stupid alien DUI bust was crazy cheesy), and when really terrible work came down the pike, like what we saw from Kenny and Jessica, the reaction was something like "You're a very talented filmmaker and I know you can do better."

COME. ON. FISHER! You cannot watch those films and think that half of those shlubs have even a shot at becoming legitimate filmmakers. They had a week. To shoot a one-minute short. That is not a tall order! If this is what they put out in that amount of time, I
shudder to think what will come later. These judges are doing nobody any favors by being overly kind. Not the filmmakers, who need a reality check --- some of them should have been savaged. Not the audience, who is at home yelling at the TV about what crap they're being forced to watch. And not the judges themselves, who should feel dirty after lying at least a dozen times over the course of last night. This show needs a Simon Cowell, and it needs it right away.

Although I'm not really sure it'll stay on long enough for that to happen. Fox sunk a lot of money into this project and it's carrying about half of its summer TV schedule. It clearly wants it to be a hit. But ratings have been soft so far and I bet they'll be downright awful tomorrow. Still, Spielberg has clout. And if he gives even the slightest shit about this he'd better start cleaning house because this is not going to work the way it is now. It's not too late to overhaul this turkey from top to bottom. Because if that doesn't happen by a week from tonight, I am so done with this thing.

And we're done.

I intended to give this show until next week to improve itself, but after the boring, offensive death march that was Monday and the even more boring, more offensive results show that was last night, I just can't have it. I just can't. This show is so bad it has almost made me hate movies in general. Almost.

So last night's hour-long results show eliminated three would-be directors. That's all it accomplished. In 60 minutes. With this lack of efficiency as a role model it's no wonder the contestants produced the drek they did in a week. The night began inauspiciously as the new host, whose name I still can't be bothered to remember, walked through the audience (...what?) while delivering her monologue and set-up for the evening. But the production values on this show are SO BAD that we could barely make out a word she was saying. It's a show about Hollywood! And they can't even get the sound right! Jesus Christ!

There was a boring, useless montage of Monday's films that tried to make them not look as bad as they were (lipstick, pigs, all that). There was behind-the-scenes footage of the directors celebrating in their pad for about five seconds, so once again we went back to the "Apprentice"/"Project Runway" set-up instead of the "Idol" format we were inexplicably pulled into Monday night. And then back to the theater, where the 18 directors were divided into three rows of six and informed that in each row one person had a film in the Top 3 and one person would be eliminated. The host then went through each director AGAIN and repeated the judges' comments AGAIN and then the Top 3 movies were shown AGAIN and it just never ended. Also, she babbled mindlessly and kept looking to the pit for help from her director. Terrible!

Anyway, the results shook out like this: The Top 3 included Zack ("Danger Zone"), Will ("Lucky Penny"), and...Jason ("Getta Rhoom"). The eliminated contestants were Carolina ("Deliver Me"), Claudia ("Blind Date"), and Phil ("Please Hold").

It's possibly unfair to blame the show for these outcomes, since America voted. But America makes BAD CHOICES, and furthermore, given the crap the viewers had to pick from Monday night, we shouldn't be surprised. They had to choose between turds, basically. And unfortunately some of the larger turds remained.

So based on these results, here are the three reasons I'm done with "On the Lot," effective immediately:

1. People who had legitimate talent were eliminated. I'm not that miffed about Carolina; she seems sweet but her film wasn't great and she was a nonentity. But Claudia very clearly had a vibrant visual style and, in general, knew how to direct a film. Her short had some bizarre disconnects (I still don't get what was going on with the rocks in the martini glass, and the bathroom humor at the end was ill-advised) but she at least told a story. And Phil's short was easily one of the best of the night. The idea might have been borrowed from other sources but it was well executed (except the last shot). It had visual style, humor, and atmosphere. There's simply no reason he was given the heave-ho.

2. Meanwhile, Kenny, Jessica, and Marty are still in this competition. I urge you to watch "Wack Alley Cab," "...to Screw in a Lightbulb," or what the hell Marty's submission was and compare them to ANY of the eliminated contestants' work. You tell me which is better. Kenny's short was the WORST PIECE OF CINEMA I have ever viewed, followed only by Jessica's short. And I sat through "Face/Off"! In the movie theater! (Not willingly, mind you.) Marty didn't even do the assignment and, if rumor is to be believed, just repurposed a project he had made prior to the competition. How is that even allowed?

3. Jason's offensive short was in the Top 3. That was the clincher right there. America --- the country whose movie-going tendencies have produced such films as "Big Momma's House 2," "Wild Hogs," and any of the countless Wayans Bros. efforts --- has spoken yet again and decided to support a film that very clearly makes fun of the mentally retarded. Jason continues to swear up and down that his lead character was a nerd, and that he never intended for him to come off as mentally disabled, and that the people he screened it for never got that idea either. Either Jason is surrounded by mindless yes men, or Jason is full of shit. I watched Monday's episode with four people. All of us simultaneously gasped in horror when that "nerd" opened his mouth for the first time, and it just got worse from there. Then the judges independently had the same reaction. There is NO WAY people could have watched that clip and not have seen how inappropriate it was. And even if Jason is being honest, it reflects even more poorly on his taste level that he didn't catch on. I can only hope that a significant part of his short's success came from pity votes and general apathy about the other submissions, because otherwise I just lost what little respect I had for the people of this country. Again.

Since this show brings me nothing but irritation, anger, and boredom, I am officially done. I refuse to waste any more of my life on something this awful. I'm actually pretty happy about this; I just got two weeknights back this summer. And given how low the ratings are, I suspect that any of you who are still watching after this point will be getting those nights back pretty soon too.

At least we have "So You Think You Can Dance"!