Words cannot express how much I look forward to the premiere of each new season of "America's Next Top Model." It's like getting two extra holidays a year. And yet, after the premiere last night, I feel kind of gypped. Like Santa left a turd in my stocking. In years past we almost always got two episodes back-to-back: the selection episode, where our 13 would-be models are assembled, and the first competition episode, where the girls participate in their first photo shoot. Last night we got one measly ep, and Tyra has left me wanting.

It's Cycle 9, and Tyra looks a little bored by it all. I can't blame her. The girls this year seem kind of boring too (although maybe that's because we haven't really seen them in action yet; I'm holding fast to dreams). To change things up a bit Tyra has semifinals take place on a Caribbean cruise ship. This is a mistake. First, it becomes readily obvious that this is just an excuse for some of the show's patented advertorial, as Ms. Jay leads the girls through the ship pointing out its luxurious amenities. And second, we spend so much time learning about the setting that we spend less time learning about the girls. By the end of the episode they're virtually indistinguishable save for their identifying afflictions.

To wit: Heather has asperger's, a mild form of autism, and also the worst posture I've ever seen. The girls call her hunchback. It really is that bad. Jennifer has an indecipherable Boston accent and is blind in one eye. Also, she's not that pretty (she eventually gets cut). Jenah has bug eyes and buck teeth, but at times can be awkwardly pretty, like a European model. Victoria has a long horse face that's going to be a bitch to work around. She also goes to Yale and thinks she's better than everyone else. I instantly hate her entitled ass. Lisa is a non-stripper stripper-which is to say, she grinds on men's privates but does it wearing a bikini-and an emotional wreck. Janet is a bikini waxer and slaps Tyra on the ass, and I love her.

Of the girls who get cut, I had fallen in love with the gender-ambiguous Marvita and the awesomely named Spontaniouse (say it out loud). They will be missed.

As underwhelmed as I am by this crop of girls, there is some potential for bitchiness. Trya immediately set her sights on overly chipper (and fugly) Mila, telegraphing her intention to break the girl down layer by layer until there's nothing left but a shell of a human being. (See Cycle 7's Jaeda; hope you like your boy haircut come makeover week, Mila!) Ebony is the frontrunner for house bitch, and Tyra blatantly says that she's looking forward to ripping her to shreds. Like Ebony doesn't have enough problems. She looks old, ashy, malnourished, and has really bad angles. She's a judging panel field day.

Now that I think of it, maybe there's hope after all. Let's get these bitches in front of a camera for a real photo shoot! (The bikini shot doesn't count. A real shoot requires at least hair and make-up.)

I just read USA Today's dismissive critique of CBS' "Kid Nation," which debuted last night. The controversial show features 40 kids between the ages of 8 and 15 tasked with taking over an abandoned New Mexico pioneer town to see if they can make a workable society where adults failed. No adults, no rules (well, some rules; read on). The show was attacked by parent watchdog groups prior to the premiere over the expansive indemnity waiver each kid had to sign (standard for a reality show) and a couple leaked incidences of child endangerment (all the kids are fine now). And now the show is being attacked by critics for lacking in entertainment value.

I must have watched a different program, because I loved "Kid Nation." Granted, it's just another reality show, this time subbing kids for adults. The staples are still there: teams competing against one another, hokey plot devices, lots of talking to the camera. But I've never seen this before. I've never seen kids left on their own to fend for themselves. I've never gotten to watch a peer group like this socially interact. And I've certainly never found a reality show this oddly inspirational.

That's not to say that "Kid Nation" is all fun and games. All of these kids learn real fast that pioneer life wasn't a big party. Sleeping on the floor, making your own food, cleaning the latrine --- it's hard work, y'all. And some of these kids, the younger ones especially, got awfully homesick awfully fast.

But as a group they persevered. A couple rose from the ranks to gain some control in the sea of chaos that comes with dealing with 40 squawking pre-teens. (It should be noted that none of the natural leaders were picked by the show to be the "town council," headed up by the ineffectual Mike, Laurel, and Anjay. Although I've got a big soft spot for wee Taylor, a 10-year-old beauty pageant girl.)

I much preferred the show prior to the kids being broken into four groups and then having to perform a rather elaborate reward challenge. And now each week the kids will be broken into a caste system of workers, cooks, merchants, and "upper class," which kind of flies in the face of the "no rules" thing. But that was kind of inevitable; we need drama, and since most of these kids seem to get along it had to be manufactured somehow.

I'll also confess to having trouble hating on 11-year-olds (shut up, Mike!) I've rather met. When I typically watch a reality show I delight in finding characters that piss me off and snarking on them with my viewing party. Know that it's a bunch of kids who are trying their best, I feel like kind of a jerk. (Still: shut up, Mike.)

But the critique that the show put children in danger (the USA Today critic mentions a specific instance of a 15-year-old "hitting" an 11-year-old, which didn't happen; he shoved him, and the kid totally deserved it), and that it's not entertaining...that I don't get. All of these kids are fine. This was taped months ago. And after catching two other premieres last night, this was by far the most entertaining. It's cheesy. It's totally fake. But it's also really sweet at times, and the kids are smart and engaging.

So shut up, critics. Just try climbing off the pedestal and watching something for what it's supposed to be for once.