Words cannot express how much I look forward to the premiere of each new season of "America's Next Top Model." It's like getting two extra holidays a year. And yet, after the premiere last night, I feel kind of gypped. Like Santa left a turd in my stocking. In years past we almost always got two episodes back-to-back: the selection episode, where our 13 would-be models are assembled, and the first competition episode, where the girls participate in their first photo shoot. Last night we got one measly ep, and Tyra has left me wanting.

It's Cycle 9, and Tyra looks a little bored by it all. I can't blame her. The girls this year seem kind of boring too (although maybe that's because we haven't really seen them in action yet; I'm holding fast to dreams). To change things up a bit Tyra has semifinals take place on a Caribbean cruise ship. This is a mistake. First, it becomes readily obvious that this is just an excuse for some of the show's patented advertorial, as Ms. Jay leads the girls through the ship pointing out its luxurious amenities. And second, we spend so much time learning about the setting that we spend less time learning about the girls. By the end of the episode they're virtually indistinguishable save for their identifying afflictions.

To wit: Heather has asperger's, a mild form of autism, and also the worst posture I've ever seen. The girls call her hunchback. It really is that bad. Jennifer has an indecipherable Boston accent and is blind in one eye. Also, she's not that pretty (she eventually gets cut). Jenah has bug eyes and buck teeth, but at times can be awkwardly pretty, like a European model. Victoria has a long horse face that's going to be a bitch to work around. She also goes to Yale and thinks she's better than everyone else. I instantly hate her entitled ass. Lisa is a non-stripper stripper-which is to say, she grinds on men's privates but does it wearing a bikini-and an emotional wreck. Janet is a bikini waxer and slaps Tyra on the ass, and I love her.

Of the girls who get cut, I had fallen in love with the gender-ambiguous Marvita and the awesomely named Spontaniouse (say it out loud). They will be missed.

As underwhelmed as I am by this crop of girls, there is some potential for bitchiness. Trya immediately set her sights on overly chipper (and fugly) Mila, telegraphing her intention to break the girl down layer by layer until there's nothing left but a shell of a human being. (See Cycle 7's Jaeda; hope you like your boy haircut come makeover week, Mila!) Ebony is the frontrunner for house bitch, and Tyra blatantly says that she's looking forward to ripping her to shreds. Like Ebony doesn't have enough problems. She looks old, ashy, malnourished, and has really bad angles. She's a judging panel field day.

Now that I think of it, maybe there's hope after all. Let's get these bitches in front of a camera for a real photo shoot! (The bikini shot doesn't count. A real shoot requires at least hair and make-up.)