I was hugely excited about Sci-Fi's original mini-series "Tin Man," which just wrapped a three-night, six-hour run last night. The dark fantasy adapts L. Frank Baum's "Oz" stories, a property ripe for the picking, as several comic series have done their own takes on the rich subject matter, which can be used by anybody now that it's in the public domain. And I love me some "Oz" stories. The cast and previews looked impressive, and the possibility of a spin-off series like the net's superb "Battlestar: Galactica" has been bandied about. So I wanted to love "Tin Man."

I did not love "Tin Man."

To be fair, there were a lot of really good, interesting ideas at work here. And the mini had some wonderful little surprises in it. But it had problems. Lots and lots of problems. And I'm not sure the good points are strong enough to outweigh the bad in the final counting.

The big problem, unfortunately, was in casting. It's hard to like an "Oz" tale if you don't like the Dorothy analogue, and man, it was hard to like Zooey Deschanel. And the truly sad thing is, I typically like her. She was charming as all hell in "Almost Famous." But she was so wooden here, so utterly passionless in her delivery, it was like she was sleepwalking through the show. That might have been a deliberate acting choice, but it was the wrong one. Her character, "DG," is our entrée into this bizarre world and we're supposed to be experiencing it all through her. She seemed so disinterested in her surroundings that I couldn't help but be bored by them too.

The rest of the cast fared better, especially Alan Cummings as the Scarecrow-esque Glitch (a formerly brilliant scientist who was lobotomized by the bad guys) and the Neal McDonough as the "Tin Man," an ex-law officer whose heart is nearly dead after being forced to watch his families beating and abduction on a video loop for years and years. Richard Dreyfuss was also great in his brief cameo as a drug-addled Wizard. Less successful was Raoul Trujillo as Raw, the Lion counterpart who never really came into own, mostly due to a fairly slight character.

But almost none of the actors could overcome the often lazy, uninspired dialogue. I think science-fiction projects require an especially high level of writing to really be successful, since the concepts can often be dismissed as hokey, and because the average sci-fi fan tends to be fairly intelligent. "BSG" would not be nearly the fan-favorite it is if the scripts weren't so damned good. And "Tin Man"'s scripts weren't great. There was very little nuance or subtlety, and while things got better after the fairly dreadful first part, a lot of it just didn't spark. It seemed almost sloppy.

It's a real shame, because as the mini-series went on the layers started to be revealed, and it became clear that this wasn't merely some darker version of "The Wizard of Oz." It was actually a continuation of the story. "DG" wasn't meant to be Dorothy; she was Dorothy's descendent. Central City wasn't supposed to just be a dingier version of the Emerald City; it WAS the Emerald City, just devoid of all its emeralds after all these years. The Sorceress wasn't supposed to be a sexier, new Wicked Witch, she was...well, that's complicated actually. And complicated in a good way.

The best parts of the mini were the flashbacks that explained the relationship between DG and the Sorceress (they're sisters, and the fact that DG was originally from the O.Z.-Outer Zone---was our first clue that she wasn't supposed to be a hipper version of our Dorothy). They became increasingly more engrossing, reaching a fairly brutal, emotional peak at the end of Part II when it was revealed why the Sorceress (I'm sorry, I can't spell her name) turned on her family and all of the O.Z. That was a genuinely awesome plot twist, and it made me excited for Part III. Unfortunately, the ending was beyond rushed, and the Sorceress' ultimate plan didn't make a hell of a lot of sense. Those flying monkeys that erupted from her bosom were pretty boss, though!

The first night scored huge ratings for the network-its best ever, apparently-but I'm curious what the drop off was for parts II and III, since the online fan reaction I read was overwhelmingly negative. As flawed as the mini-series was, I do kind of hope it gets picked up as a regular series. The possibilities from the "Oz" stories in general, and from "Tin Man"'s version in particular, are nearly limitless. If the producers and writers take some of the criticism to heart, it could turn into something very cool. As a mini-series, though, it didn't quite work. Better luck next time?

The initially promising Cycle 9 of "America's Next Top Model" came to its inevitable, pathetic conclusion last night as Saleisha was crowned our winner. I am shocked, shocked I tell you. It's funny that Tyra actually said that she never imagined that she'd have a final two consisting of Saleisha and Chantal (CHANTAL!), since I don't think anyone else who watched the first half of this season would have either. The show has apparently abandoned fierceness for mediocrity.

In Saleisha's defense, she absolutely commanded the final runway. But walking has always been her strong suit. Her pictures have been largely forgettable (although she surged in the past two week, with her China pics among the best of the bunch), her commercials are stagy and not helped by her annoying nasal voice, and her "bubbly" personality is actually gratingly perky. The fact that she has previously worked for Tyra on both her talk show and in an episode "Top Model" Cycle 5, and attended Tyra's T-Zone camp, makes it look an awful lot like a fix. I cannot conceive why Tyra would open herself up to allegations of rigging the competition since there are countless stupid, vaguely pretty girls begging to be on this show. But there you have it: Tyra's got some ‘splainin' to do. (I can't help but think that Saleisha has incriminating photos of Tyra doing unseemly things to a rack of ribs...)

By the end I was actually more entertained by this episode than I expected to be. I fully expected a Jenah/Saleisha final two, and the fact that Chantal somehow skated into the final totally blew me away. Chantal? REALLY?! Talk about dullsville. I guess Tyra really had little choice as Jenah was imploding before the panel almost every week since landing in China (finally, her performance matched her atrocious weave). But despite looking like hell nearly every time she came to panel, Jenah took amazing shots. Chantal was just kind of there. She succeeded by being not quite as shitty as some other girl every week. And she somehow made it into F2. Amazing.

All the hating aside, that last runway show was worth the price of admission for two reasons: 1) The gowns were stunning, probably the best clothes ever featured in a "Top Model" finale (that second outfit on Chantal? The gorgeous purple gown? Amazing!). And 2) Chantal accidentally took down one of the stilt walkers, and then when her dress got caught underneath him, completely lost her shit on the runway. I've never seen anything like that on this show, ever. She hilariously tried to pass it off as she "didn't break character," but I hope she was watching this episode at home and started weeping when she saw just how badly she freaked out. HI-larious.

It was kind of fitting that my friend's TiVo cut out the actual announcement of Saleisha's victory, since nobody really cared at that point. No matter who took the title it would be the least inspiring "Top Model" win since Naima in Cycle 4. As if Mushroom Head's going to have an actual career. Please. It's just mind-boggling that a season that started out with so many gorgeous girls-Heather, Sarah, you left too soon-ended up with...Saleisha.

Sigh. Well, Cycle 10 is right around the corner, and it's now reportedly Twiggy free. (Good riddance, you sweet, useless crone.) In the meantime, I wish I could recommend the mom/daughter pageant show "Crowned" as a worthy camp replacement, but honestly the first episode kind of sucked. More Carson Kressley, less of just about everything else.

Earlier this week MTV's "The Hills" wrapped up its third season (except that it didn't; read on) as the network's highest-rated show. I'm not an expert on the program, but I've caught a couple episodes here and there. And I am deeply confused. Why, exactly, is this show popular?

"The Hills" is a spin-off of "Laguna Beach," itself a reality version of Fox's once-hot "The O.C." It follows a fairly pretty young woman, Lauren Conrad, as she leaves high school behind for the "real world." Of course, Lauren's real world is pretty unreal. She got an internship at Teen Vogue right out of high school (uh huh) and she has somehow kept that same internship for several years now (uh huh). She doesn't appear to actually go to college and lives in a very nice apartment and wears very expensive clothing and goes partying at the hottest clubs just about every week. A memo to 20-year-olds all over the world: your life will almost certainly never resemble Lauren's. And you should be thankful for that.

Obviously a big part of the disconnect is that I'm not a 13-year-old girl. I get that. But even acknowledging that I'm not a member of the target audience, I cannot understand what kids like about this show. Nothing ever happens! In almost every episode I've seen Lauren just kind of stumbles through Los Angeles, having discussions with her roommates, friends, or would-be boyfriends about...stuff. Mostly it's about why a certain guy won't be her boyfriend, or passive-aggressively expressing her dislike of a friend's boyfriend. But nothing happens. There is talking. There is more talking. This is then followed up by endless staring. Nothing is ever, ever resolved. What is enjoyable about this?

The major arc of Season 3 has been Lauren's shunning of former roommate Heidi, who allegedly was complicit in circulating a rumor about Lauren having a sex tape. The way Lauren treats this girl, you would think Heidi killed Lauren's mother and then forced her to wear her corpse as a wrap. Yeah, the rumor was shitty. But get some perspective.

Perspective is, of course, what's entirely lacking from the show. The "characters" (they're supposedly real people having real conversations, but please-nobody's buying) manage to create melodrama out of absolutely nothing, and I wonder what the hell they'd do if they had to 1) work for a living or 2) actually deal with real world issues, like debt or family problems. None of these people are unlikable, really, not even Heidi or her douchey boyfriend, Spencer. (The guy isn't hurting anyone, he's just an asshole. One she could extract herself from at any time she chooses.) But they're not really people at all. They're ciphers. They're useless. They're completely devoid of any spark of life or self-awareness.

And, unfortunately, they are the leading role models for the next generation of young American women. There are worse examples, I guess. At least they're not Paris Hilton or Lindsay Lohan or Britney Spears. But at least those three have some talent, some personality. The girls of "The Hills" are blonde, bland, paper dolls who play dress up and mope endlessly about nothing at all.

The season "ended" with Lauren finding out that Teen Vogue was sending her off to Paris to help with a fashion show. (Another one of those real-life issues all young girls have to deal with, I guess.) Apparently this is a big deal because the first season ended with the same set up, except Lauren blew off the trip to spend time with her loser ex-boyfriend. (Lauren is kind of stupid sometimes.) So now Season 3 will continue with Lauren's crazy adventures in Paris. It's not unlike "The Devil Wears Prada," except our leads are soulless husks and the boss is kind of a pill instead of a dragon lady.

MTV: Making the next generation aspire to mediocrity. I weep for the future.

I was initially going to write about how much I'm enjoying this new kinder, gentler "Project Runway" season. The drama has been turned WAY down from the Jeffrey/Angela, Jeffrey/Laura, Vincent/reality feuds we had last season, and the show is focusing much more on the talent. But then Bravo went and put on a repeat (already!) this week, so I'll skip that dissection for another time.

Instead this week I'll write on how I'm finished with the CW's newest reality competition, "Crowned," after two episodes. I was excited about this show at first-it's a mother/daughter beauty pageant overseen by Shanna Moakler (former Miss USA and on-again/off-again wife of Blink 182 drummer Travis Barker) and "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy"'s Carson Kressley. Beauty pageants, reality whores, and g-g-g-g-gay Carson: sounded like a recipe for campy fun.

But it's not fun. Not at all. It's tedious, and more than a little stupid. And I LIKE stupid-I think the mind-numbing crap that goes down on "Top Model" is practically transcendent at times. But this? This is boring stupid; this is "I feel really bad for the people forced to do this on my TV" stupid.

So far the contestants have had to engage in three competitions-a "first impressions" task in which they had to come up with team names and do a little introduction; a swimsuit competition; and a fitness regiment. I can think of maybe two instances in the total of the three showdowns where I was even mildly entertained, the "Dream Girls"' first impression duet and the "Daredevil Divas"' fitness routine that involved a couple cool moves. The rest just plain sucked.

A big problem is in casting. Let's ignore the fact that most of these girls aren't even pretty (not even pageant pretty), but they're boring as hell. Episode 2 saw "drama" erupt when the bitchy half of the house self-segregated from the apparently non-bitchy side in order to talk shit about the other girls and moms behind their backs. And that was...it. These girls are largely pretty stupid, and the mothers are frankly embarrassing for the most part. Even the apparent house bitches, "Smart, Sexy Reds," can't be taken seriously. Between horesefaced daughter and plastic surgery disaster mom, I just feel sorry for them.

The other problem is the panel. Judging on reality shows is wildly subjective, of course. But on this one I don't think there's any criteria being used to judge these women with any kind of consistency. The physical fitness portion was a good example; several of those teams flat-up BOMBED that challenge, but the one that went home was hardly the worst of the bunch. Moakler seems sincere in her desire to work with the women, but Kressley seems to be waiting for his paycheck to arrive (his bitchy comments saved the first episode, but he phoned in No. 2) and third judge Cynthia Garrett is utterly pointless. What is she doing on this program? What does she-or Carson, really-have to do with pageants?

So I'm finished. I was hoping for a nice little fill-in between seasons of "Top Model," but this ain't it. (Fellow "CW" show "Beauty and the Geek" remains charming, however, despite this season's twist of a guy beauty and female geek that almost totally destroyed the competition.) This boring, poorly executed show is out of my misery.

Celebrities had quite a year. It seemed like only yesterday that the most incendiary Hollywood scandals were Man-Eating Actress A snatching up Milquetoast Actress B’s husband, Leading Man C getting caught diddling the help, or Has-Been Z wandering through the Valley claiming to be the reincarnation of a space god. (Oh, Celestia; come back soon, you nutty funster.) Well, the celebutantes of 2007 put those losers to shame, ably demonstrating why Americans spend millions of dollars and countless hours poring over tabloid rags and gossip blogs, cackling all the way. By the time December 31 rolls around we’ll have had 365 days of the rich and famous acting completely and totally insane, far crazier than any of us could have possibly imagined. And be honest, you wouldn’t have it any other way.

Crowning the Celebrity Trainwreck of the Year is impossible; three of Young Hollywood’s most notorious princesses were especially ambitious in their acts of public self-destruction. We’ll have to call it a tie (everybody wins! and loses!), but these pioneers each deserve special commendations for breaking new ground in celebrity idiocy.

But they couldn’t have done it alone; 2007 wouldn’t have been the same without the contributions of many, many spectacularly stupid celebrities. So strap in for a tour of the seedy, sloppy, seriously mind-numbing actions that made this year so magical, and for a peek into the crystal ball showing what to expect from your favorite false idols in 2008.

Britney Spears: “Eat it, lick it, snort it, fuck it”

Spears set the tone for her nightmare year on New Year’s Eve, when she collapsed at Las Vegas’ Pure nightclub and had to be carried out. By February this led to Spears’ doing the rehab Hokey Pokey: one day she’s in Crossroads, the next day she’s out; one day she’s in Promises Malibu, the next day she’s out; then she goes back to Promises and she shakes it all about for a month. In between she gave her head a Telly Savalas to match the one on her ladybits. And this, gentle readers, was the exact moment we knew that whatever brains were left inside the former Mouseketeer’s newly shorn head had spoiled. And we rejoiced!

On the career front, Spears started her comeback in early May with three “secret” shows that consisted of her half-heartedly lip synching to her old material for roughly 15 minutes. But her coup de grace was opening the 2007 MTV Video Music Awards on September 9. The result? The horror. A flabby, lingerie-clad Spears teetered across the stage while mouthing her new single. She appeared disoriented, unaware of the choreography, and ultimately mortified as she realized that millions of people were watching her live career self-immolation. Consider that just a few years prior her then-rock hard body was writhing around the same stage with a boa constrictor, a spontaneous woody generator for every straight guy on the planet. “Gimme More,” Britney? Give us less. Please.

At home things were no better. Spears publicly feuded with her family and management, accusing them of forcing her into rehab when she was clearly fine. She set up an OK Magazine interview/photo shoot to prove her sanity, but instead the cover story titled “Britney’s Meltdown” described her as babbling incoherently throughout the session, repeatedly touching her private areas, urinating in front of other people, cleaning up her dog’s waste with a couture gown, and then walking out before completing the shoot or the interview, stealing thousands of dollars worth of designer duds in the process. (Seriously, girl, we expect those kinds of shenanigans out of Andy Dick, not A-listers like you.) On the upside, her divorce from Kevin Federline was finalized on July 30, inspiring hope (or terror?) in any redneck with a Y chromosome that came within 50 feet of the starlet.

By the fall, primary custody of her two children shifted to ex-husband Federline amid rampant allegations of child neglect and failed court-ordered drug tests. One would think that a mother would be traumatized by the forced removal of her children, but it hasn’t slowed down Spears’ busy schedule of tanning sessions, Starbucks runs, or nights spent at the clubs or high-priced L.A. hotels. There’s a reason some tabloids refer to her as “Unfitney,” y’all.

But stop the presses! In mid-December a new competitor emerged for Britney’s crown as America’s White Trash Princess: her little sister, Jamie Lynn Spears, star of Nickelodoen’s “Zoey 101,” who revealed that she was pregnant at 16 years old. Spears matriarch Lynn must be so proud…

Coming up in 2008: How do you top that VMA meltdown? Short of setting yourself on fire and kamikaze-ing Christina Aguilera while she walks away with your career, I don’t see how. So instead expect Spears to do what every other white trash princess does when she hits rock bottom: find Jesus. Find him, and shove him down the throat of any poor bastard she comes across. Expect a full Tammy Faye Bakker makeover: Persian eye, huge gold crosses, high-heeled boots, and an endless supply of baggy sweaters (they’re very forgiving of the Cheetos and Red Bull). Given her amazingly fertile loins (two babies in 12 months!) expect Spears to announce a new pregnancy by mid-spring, and don’t be surprised if the increasingly unhinged starlet tries to pass it off as being of divine conception. Jesus Christ Spears-God has a nice ring to it, no?

Paris Hilton: 1 Month in Prisoner 9818783

If anyone could make orange prison jumpsuits “hott” it was trendsetting heiress Paris Hilton. And the reality TV/amateur porn star got her shot this year after she was busted for not one, but two traffic violations by the end of February, both while already on probation for a 2006 DUI arrest. Totally screwed, on May 4 Hilton bent over to get reamed by the long, thorny member of the law, and was sentenced to serve 45 days in prison. She surrendered herself on June 3 and was remanded to the Lynwood Century Regional Detention Facility, which coincidentally experienced a run on Valtrex by the remaining prison population. By June 7 the local sheriff ordered Hilton to be released to serve the rest of her sentence under home arrest (because being forced to stay in a L.A. mansion 24/7 is such a bitch, especially with gourmet cupcake delivery service…). But the Los Angeles attorney’s office and the trial judge weren’t having it. Dismissing her argument that prison life made her extremely anxious and depressed--no shit--Hilton was thrown back into jail on June 8. (The images of Hilton wailing in the back of the cop car: priceless.) Hilton was finally released on June 26, and granted her first post-clink interview to softball champion Larry King, during which she promised to devote her life to helping end poverty and underprivileged kids and stuff. Hilton had planned to take part in an aid mission to Rwanda (it was reportedly going to be taped as a reality TV special), but it was scuttled and as of this writing has not been rescheduled. The DUI offender wrapped up her year by lending her name and image to a line of canned champagne beverages. Class-ay!

Coming up in 2008: Paris will take this save-the-poor thing really seriously (wink wink), and after careful study of the socioeconomic realities of a capitalist society, she’ll realize how it’s designed to keep the poor man down. She’ll then follow in the footsteps of another notorious heiress, Patty Hearst, and reform the Symbionese Liberation Army. (They wear berets, which are so cute!) In addition to personally overseeing the formation of the kinkajou sidekick squad, Hilton will recruit the rest of Hollywood’s young, rich, spoiled and bored into the ranks. But rather than holding up banks to provide food to California’s needy, their demands will be Kitson t-shirts for all, firecrotches for none.

Lindsay Lohan: Fully Loaded

Per her flack, Lohan checked into the hospital for an emergency appendectomy on January 4. And yet, after her release the next day, she was back on the town, boozing it up. An amazing recovery! Two weeks later she was discovered passed out in a hotel hallway, and a day after that she checked into the Wonderland rehab center.

On May 26 Lohan drove her car into a Sunset Boulevard sidewalk and fled the scene; a search of the car turned up a “usable amount of cocaine,” per the police, and Lohan was arrested. The next night, out on bail, she was dragged unconscious from a club. Apparently Lohan had forgotten to take a usable amount of common sense.

On July 24 Lohan was arrested again, this time for allegedly carjacking three men and then engaging in a chase through the streets of L.A., reportedly following a car carrying her just-quit assistant and the assistant’s mother. When Lohan was arrested she failed field sobriety tests and a search of her pants turned up trace amounts of cocaine; Lohan claimed that the drugs were not hers — and neither were the pants. That she was wearing. And that, incidentally, made her ass look fat.

Shortly after the incident Lohan checked into the Cirque Lodge treatment facility in Utah and, through her publicist, admitted to being addicted to drugs and alcohol. Since leaving Cirque early this fall Lohan has virtually disappeared from the party scene, but on November 15 she served a whopping 84 minutes in jail for her crimes. (Whew! Prison! That was a bitch, eh, Linds?) For those keeping track, Lohan turned 21 on July 2.

Coming up in 2008: With her last several movies stinking up the box office, Lohan has decided to focus on her even less successful music career. The Pollyanna act can’t last long; Lohan comes from a family of famewhores (mom Dina has already brokered a reality show deal with E!, and dad Michael is shopping around one himself), so she’s going to need to make headlines somehow. But after using up any public goodwill she had with her bad behavior this year, look for Lohan to do something truly shocking: work on her craft and become the best young actress of her generation. That’s right; Oscars, Emmys, SAG Awards—it’s only a matter of time. ….Either that or she ODs. The kid’s kind of screwed here.

The best of the rest

Other celebs who unraveled in 2007

10. Paula Abdul: While doing press for “American Idol” in January, Abdul appeared via satellite on several local TV news broadcasts acting even more out of her gourd than usual. Technical difficulties and lack of sleep were the excuses, but allegations of drug or alcohol abuse swirled. In the summer we found out the truth courtesy of her short-lived Bravo reality series: Paula’s just kind of batshit insane, but in a harmless, kind of pathetic way. Predictions for 2008: During a particularly heated exchange with fellow “Idol” judge Simon Cowell, expect the Abdul Model 6000 to finally blow a circuit. After her cyborg body is pried open authorities will find the Taco Bell Chihuahua secreted inside, and learn that it’s been posing as Abdul for years. The real Paula will be discovered living as a bag lady in Des Moines.

9. Alec Baldwin: In April the press got hold of a voicemail left by Baldwin to his 11-year-old daughter, Ireland. In the message Baldwin berates the girl for not returning his calls and skipping appointed phone chats, culminating with him calling her a “rude little pig.” The media went crazy, Baldwin did an apology tour, and ultimately offered to step down from his role on NBC sitcom “30 Rock.” (NBC wisely declined his offer.) Predictions for 2008: Expect a cool, calm Baldwin to become unhinged at the Emmys when he loses his much-deserved Best Supporting Actor award to the insipid Jon Cryer from “Two and Half Men.” Baldwin will rush the stage and beat Cryer to death with the trophy, all the while screaming “Rude! Little! Pig!” America will thank him for a job well done.

8. Isaiah Washington: While filming an episode of his hit medical drama “Grey’s Anatomy,” Washington flipped out and allegedly choked co-star Patrick Dempsey and then used gay slurs to refer to another cast member, later revealed to be T.R. Knight, who publicly came out due to the fiasco. ABC pressed Washington into treatment (for what, rageahol?), and after completing the program he filmed a pro-gay public service announcement and embarked upon a lengthy “gay is good” PR tour. Backstage at the Golden Globes Washington once again used the “f” word (the other “f” word), sparking his castmates’ ire. He was ultimately fired from the show and launched a one-man crusade, placing the blame for the situation on a publicity-hungry Knight and a manipulative, racist press. Predictions for 2008: Washington will continue to be an asshole. What more do you want?

7. George Clooney: Hollywood’s classiest leading man lost a bit of his sheen this year after engaging in a near-slapfight with romance novel cover model/synthetic butter pitchman Fabio. The two were dining at the same restaurant, and Clooney mistook Fabio’s photog companion’s flashes as an attempt to paparazzi Clooney and his guests during their meal. Bird-flipping and harsh words ensued, but the two worked it out. Predictions for 2008: Clooney will put out one of those movies where he wears a nice suit and acts charming as hell, and all will be forgiven. Let’s just stay away from any more Ocean’s Eleven sequels for a while, OK?

6. Rosie O’Donnell: “The View” co-host continued to experience the Wrath of Donald Trump (she stated on air that he was a bankrupt fraud), as the mogul told any news service that would listen what a “fat pig” O’Donnell was, threatened to seduce her girlfriend, and alleged that “View” boss Barbara Walters secretly regretted hiring the comedian. This led to a hostile workplace environment for O’Donnell, which climaxed in a series of uncomfortable on-air battles with conservative co-host Elizabeth Hasselbeck. In May O’Donnell left the show. She then passed on her dream job to host “The Price is Right” (the post ultimately went to fellow plus-sized lesbian comic Drew Carey) and plans for a cable news talk show were scuttled practically before they started. Predictions for 2008: Sometime early in the spring, when she least expects it, Hasselbeck will receive the surprise Koosh thrashing of a lifetime. Also, someone will put Saran Wrap over Trump’s solid gold toilet bowl. When pressed for an alibi, O’Donnell will point to suspiciously convenient time-stamped surveillance footage of her giggling in her inversion therapy swing. Hmmmm….

5. David Hasselhoff: Video footage of The Hoff hit the net with him clearly inebriated, shirtless, and devouring a greasy sandwich while lying on the floor. The video was apparently made by his daughter to show him what he’s like when he drinks. Predictions for 2008: Since he helped to bring down the Berlin Wall, it’s only a matter of time before the U.S. government enlists Hasselhoff’s help in quelling the sectarian violence in Iraq. Sadly, this will be a fatal miscalculation, as a fatwa was placed on Hasselhoff’s head during his “Knight Rider” days, since everyone knows a gay-ish talking car is the work of the Great Satan.

4. Ellen DeGeneres: Ellen is the lesbian talk show host everyone at work can agree on, right? Wrong. This fall DeGeneres nearly split the nation in twain with IggyGate, the scandal that erupted after DeGeneres took to the airwaves to tearfully plead with the dog adoption agency that took back the pooch she had given to her hair stylist’s family. The agency refused to give the dog back, angrily explaining that DeGeneres knew the rules (which did include a no-givesies clause), and that she was trying to use her celebrity to get special treatment. Death threats were made to the adoption agency, animal rights groups crucified DeGeneres—it was a mess. Then when DeGeneres kept filming despite the writers strike, she was further vilified in the Hollywood community. Predictions for 2008: Ellen will try to buy back America’s love Oprah-style by giving new houses to an entire studio audience. But the houses will be built an ancient Indian burial ground, and shortly after moving in none of the families will ever be seen again. Homeowners groups, the victims’ families, and Native Americans will call for DeGeneres’ Keds on a platter. She will finally realize that she’s too damned nice for this business and flee for a quiet life of anonymity in France. They always loved her in France…

3. Amy Winehouse: Bluesy, beehived Brit Winehouse made a huge splash in the music industry this year and has the record sales and Grammy noms to prove it. But by the fall she started to disappear, literally, as her frame withered away to nothing amid rumors of rampant drug use following the arrest of her husband in London (Winehouse herself was arrested on related bribery charges, but quickly released). Winehouse was never a reliable live performer to begin with, but after the husband drama she started to show up to concerts late, totally wasted, and then proceeded to insult her fans. Her tour was cancelled due to…well, everything. Predictions for 2008: Hopefully Amy will forget her song and actually get her ass to rehab. Otherwise we’re about to watch Janis Joplin all over again.

2. Prince Frederic Von Anhalt : Although not technically a celebrity (he’s a supposed prince of dubious background and the umpteenth husband of Zsa Zsa Gabor), Von Anhalt had a delightfully tab-friendly year. In February he alleged that he’d been carrying on a secret decade-long affair with Anna Nicole Smith, and then claimed to be in the running for the paternity sweepstakes surrounding her recently born daughter. In September the publicity hound struck again, announcing that he’d been robbed by a pack of wild women who stripped him naked and tied him to the steering wheel of his car—and he had photographic proof of his nude “captivity,” which was splashed all over the place. Predictions for 2008: Freddy’s getting up there in years, so either he’ll kick it, his long-suffering wife will kick it, or he’ll end up kicking it with fellow camera whore Tara Reid.

1. Anna Nicole Smith: Smith probably should have been included with Britney, Lindsay, and Paris given her amazing year in the tabloids. But since she was dead for most of the action, it doesn’t seem quite right. On February 8 Smith died from overdosing on prescription medications while staying at the Hark Rock Casino in Hollywood, Florida. New layers of depravity continue to be revealed in Smith’s case, but some highlights: after Smith’s death a protracted custody battle was waged over her newborn daughter between Smith lawyer/hanger-on Howard K. Stern and her ex-boyfriend, Larry Birkhead. Paternity tests eventually proved Birkhead the child’s father. The inquest into the recent death of her grown son Daniel is ongoing, but points to shady goings-on. Video surfaced of a pregnant Smith behaving severely impaired, with Stern clearly heard in the background “directing” the proceedings. And late in the year a new book alleged that the battle between Stern and Birkhead was fabricated for the public, and that the two were in fact gay lovers trying to defraud the court in the hopes of milking the Smith estate. Both men deny the story and are suing pretty much everyone involved. Predictions for 2008: Smith is more famous and beloved in death than she ever was in life, and sadly, that’s probably the only thing that mattered to her.