City Blogs: Entertainment Blog

December 21, 2007 at 12:56pm

"Crowned": Take your tiara and shove it

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I was initially going to write about how much I'm enjoying this new kinder, gentler "Project Runway" season. The drama has been turned WAY down from the Jeffrey/Angela, Jeffrey/Laura, Vincent/reality feuds we had last season, and the show is focusing much more on the talent. But then Bravo went and put on a repeat (already!) this week, so I'll skip that dissection for another time.

Instead this week I'll write on how I'm finished with the CW's newest reality competition, "Crowned," after two episodes. I was excited about this show at first-it's a mother/daughter beauty pageant overseen by Shanna Moakler (former Miss USA and on-again/off-again wife of Blink 182 drummer Travis Barker) and "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy"'s Carson Kressley. Beauty pageants, reality whores, and g-g-g-g-gay Carson: sounded like a recipe for campy fun.

But it's not fun. Not at all. It's tedious, and more than a little stupid. And I LIKE stupid-I think the mind-numbing crap that goes down on "Top Model" is practically transcendent at times. But this? This is boring stupid; this is "I feel really bad for the people forced to do this on my TV" stupid.

So far the contestants have had to engage in three competitions-a "first impressions" task in which they had to come up with team names and do a little introduction; a swimsuit competition; and a fitness regiment. I can think of maybe two instances in the total of the three showdowns where I was even mildly entertained, the "Dream Girls"' first impression duet and the "Daredevil Divas"' fitness routine that involved a couple cool moves. The rest just plain sucked.

A big problem is in casting. Let's ignore the fact that most of these girls aren't even pretty (not even pageant pretty), but they're boring as hell. Episode 2 saw "drama" erupt when the bitchy half of the house self-segregated from the apparently non-bitchy side in order to talk shit about the other girls and moms behind their backs. And that was...it. These girls are largely pretty stupid, and the mothers are frankly embarrassing for the most part. Even the apparent house bitches, "Smart, Sexy Reds," can't be taken seriously. Between horesefaced daughter and plastic surgery disaster mom, I just feel sorry for them.

The other problem is the panel. Judging on reality shows is wildly subjective, of course. But on this one I don't think there's any criteria being used to judge these women with any kind of consistency. The physical fitness portion was a good example; several of those teams flat-up BOMBED that challenge, but the one that went home was hardly the worst of the bunch. Moakler seems sincere in her desire to work with the women, but Kressley seems to be waiting for his paycheck to arrive (his bitchy comments saved the first episode, but he phoned in No. 2) and third judge Cynthia Garrett is utterly pointless. What is she doing on this program? What does she-or Carson, really-have to do with pageants?

So I'm finished. I was hoping for a nice little fill-in between seasons of "Top Model," but this ain't it. (Fellow "CW" show "Beauty and the Geek" remains charming, however, despite this season's twist of a guy beauty and female geek that almost totally destroyed the competition.) This boring, poorly executed show is out of my misery.

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