Celebrities had quite a year. It seemed like only yesterday that the most incendiary Hollywood scandals were Man-Eating Actress A snatching up Milquetoast Actress B’s husband, Leading Man C getting caught diddling the help, or Has-Been Z wandering through the Valley claiming to be the reincarnation of a space god. (Oh, Celestia; come back soon, you nutty funster.) Well, the celebutantes of 2007 put those losers to shame, ably demonstrating why Americans spend millions of dollars and countless hours poring over tabloid rags and gossip blogs, cackling all the way. By the time December 31 rolls around we’ll have had 365 days of the rich and famous acting completely and totally insane, far crazier than any of us could have possibly imagined. And be honest, you wouldn’t have it any other way.

Crowning the Celebrity Trainwreck of the Year is impossible; three of Young Hollywood’s most notorious princesses were especially ambitious in their acts of public self-destruction. We’ll have to call it a tie (everybody wins! and loses!), but these pioneers each deserve special commendations for breaking new ground in celebrity idiocy.

But they couldn’t have done it alone; 2007 wouldn’t have been the same without the contributions of many, many spectacularly stupid celebrities. So strap in for a tour of the seedy, sloppy, seriously mind-numbing actions that made this year so magical, and for a peek into the crystal ball showing what to expect from your favorite false idols in 2008.

Britney Spears: “Eat it, lick it, snort it, fuck it”

Spears set the tone for her nightmare year on New Year’s Eve, when she collapsed at Las Vegas’ Pure nightclub and had to be carried out. By February this led to Spears’ doing the rehab Hokey Pokey: one day she’s in Crossroads, the next day she’s out; one day she’s in Promises Malibu, the next day she’s out; then she goes back to Promises and she shakes it all about for a month. In between she gave her head a Telly Savalas to match the one on her ladybits. And this, gentle readers, was the exact moment we knew that whatever brains were left inside the former Mouseketeer’s newly shorn head had spoiled. And we rejoiced!

On the career front, Spears started her comeback in early May with three “secret” shows that consisted of her half-heartedly lip synching to her old material for roughly 15 minutes. But her Predictions for 2008: Smith is more famous and beloved in death than she ever was in life, and sadly, that’s probably the only thing that mattered to her.