At this point I think the show is just screwing with me. Semifinals have traditionally been an opportunity to really get to know the prospective Top 12; they get carte blanche when it comes to song choice and we get lots of puff packages introducing us to their "stories" (or, really, carefully constructed character pitches). Not so this year. For reasons that completely elude me, the producers have forced theme nights onto semifinals, so this is 60's week. And rather than�legitimate introductions, we get yet more recapping of stuff we've seen. Dammit, show! I was really looking forward to this year's crop of guys. And while last night wasn't bad, it wasn't as interesting or entertaining as it could have been. And I blame that squarely on the unnecessary hoops these kids had to jump through.

Anyway, on with my critiques:

David Hernandez, "Wait Til the Midnight Hour." David opened the song the same way he arranged "Love The One You're With" during semifinals: he slowed it down and made it into a soul/gospel song. I'd really like to see this guy take on a good, upbeat song because he needs to show me something. As it stands, he's got a good voice, but he's dull dull dull. He also tends to get a little goaty, and he makes some crazy faces when he sings. He just didn't connect with the song at all, and he'll need to do a lot better if he wants to escape the black hole that is his personality.

Chikezie Ezie, "More Today Than Yesterday." Chikezie has apparently dropped his last name, as though he's the second coming of Mandisa. You wish, tool. The song was WAY too low for him; the beginning was wretched as he scraped the bottom of his register. He's fantastic on the high notes, but the whole thing is marred by a) the terrible, schmaltzy rendition; b) his hideous red-orange pimp suit; and c) his Kraft-tastic cheesy performance, full of manic body movements and, I believe, a wink. YUCK. When getting his critique Chikezie talked back to every single judge, especially Simon, never letting the man get a word in. I've got no time for someone this marginally talented giving sass mouth, so Chikezie is officially dead to me.

David Cook, "Happy Together." I wish he didn't look so look so damned sloppy all the time, because I think he's probably cute under all that hair and scruff. David made the curious decision to go with what is essentially a novelty song and "rawk" it up. It mostly worked, especially during the chorus, which he just kind of blew out. But he totally crapped out on the power notes. Ouch.

Jason Yeager, "Moon River" I want to pluck that goofy blond streak right out of his head. Yeager is apparently a singing waiter, and boy can you tell: he is SO CHEESY! I think he actually pointed at the crowd at one point. This was a terrible song choice for him. I adore "Moon River," but this arrangement is totally wah-wah and dull; actually, for a while I thought he was singing "A Whole New World" from "Aladdin" (he has a Disney type of voice). He seemed totally unsure of himself during the verses. Did he not know the words? He sounded really lovely on the power notes, though, and that could save him.

Robbie Carrico, "One" BRILLIANT song choice. Robbie is our bandana'd rocker who was formerly in a boy band. So think of him as Daughtry Lite. I'll go along with it, because he dominated this song. Perfect range for him, perfect performance, perfect everything. Best of the night, I think.

David Archuleta, "Shop Around" I refer to David as Vocal Paralysis Lad, due to his brief mute period. He is so adorable, with his milky singing and sleepy�speaking voice. The song was a little low in parts, and his mouth moves a little strangely, like he's wearing a retainer. He got better as the song went along, and was charmismatic as all get out. Paula called him an old soul, and I think that's right. He's the male Diana DeGarmo! Total contender for the win.

Danny Noriega, "Blue Suede Shoes." Confession: I love Danny Noriega. He's just so damned happy and sure of himself. And I think he's secretly Jessica Alba in drag. I personally found his performance kind of fierce -- his voice is much lower than expected, and he's surprisingly butch given how flaming he is normally. Simon destroyed him, calling it "grotesque." I disagree. I love Danny Noriega.

Luke Menard, "Everyone's Talkin'." We'd never seen Luke prior to this performance. H's got a very light, airy voice, almost a falsetto. I could barely hear him through most of his song, and the instrumentation was, like, nonexistent. He has no presence. He's not a particularly good singer. It was just totally forgettable, which Simon told him, along with the fact that he's like Kenny Loggins. A totally wussy Kenny Loggins. And if you're a wussy version of Kenny Loggins? You've got trouble. Luke is a goner.

Colton Berry, "Suspicious Minds" What was it with the gays and Elvis last night? Colton's performance was bad karaoke, pure and simple. He had this weird bobby performance, with his huge mouth and huge teeth and huge nose all up in my screen. He's got a good voice, but he's a nonentity. This competition has room for only one sissy, Colton, and that should be Danny Noriega!

Garrett Haley, "Breaking Up is Hard to Do." I'm sorry, but this kid is hideous. Ugly rat's nest hair. Scary angular zombie face. Scraggly facial hair. Just...no. He lost the song halfway through, and was terribly pitchy. No presence whatsoever. He sounds like a cartoon character, and the comparisons to Leif Garrett are accurate in more way than one. And it was another example of a dull Muzak version of an otherwise good song. Bah!

Jason Castro, "What a Day for a Daydream." God, his dreds are disgusting. I just can't get past them. Jason was the sole performer to use an instrument--a new rule I'm not 100 percent on board with--and he strummed his guitar and just kind of slackerishly crooned the song. Sweet voice, but I just don't like him. The judges do. They're probably right and I'm just blinded by that hair, which looks like something my cat would cough up. He claims that he's performed in public only a handful of times, and that he always just sits back and watches stuff happen. That's funny, since he appeared on MTV's "Cheyenne" as the lead character's love interest AND appeared in her music video. So bullshit.

Michael "Ace Old" Johns, "Light My Fire." Kind of an obvious song for him, since he has a Doors thing going on. It was good, but he did a full Morrison rip-off. It was very karaoke. It's curious that Simon attacked several other people for nothing doing anything with the song, but Johns skated by with ample praise. I like the guy, and again, it was good. But it's just a pale imitation of the original

Best of the night: Hernandez, Robbie, David

Worst of the night: Chikezie, Luke, Garrett

In trouble: Yeager, Luke, Garrett