"Top Model": Tyrabot is programmed for embarrassment

By Eric Rezsnyak on September 4, 2008

Oh, Tyra. You make it so hard to defend you sometimes...

While it was amazing to have a two-hour "Top Model" premiere last night, the first hour - the casting special - was ROUGH. A few years ago I thought nothing could be tackier than Top Model Boot Camp. Then came the Top Model Cruise. But I really don't think cheese comes any thicker than the Top Model Technical Institute of Fashion (or whatever it was called) and its sci-fi shtick and special effects straight out of "Who Wants to Be a Super Hero?" Mr. Jay with messy gray hair? Ms. Jay with a white bob out of some weird British sci-fi show? HELL to the no.

That said, the casting itself was pretty good. It's amazing how different some of these girls look on video vs. the still shots. Some who I thought were stunning - wee Hannah, for instance, looked ethereal in the promo, but homely in person; Marjorie originally seemed like a high-fashion dream until she opened her mouth and revealed a total spazz - were totally broke. Yikes.

On the other hand, girls I had initially dismissed caught my attention. I don't like Sheena's brash behavior at all, but she's much prettier than I expected her to be. The comparisons to Kimora Lee Simmons are apt. I'm intrigued by her (and her body really is amazing). Clark is perhaps one of the most stunning women I've ever laid eyes on, and is a magnificent bitch, so she and I are going to get along just fine. Samantha looks perpetually terrified, but has that Cheryl Tiegs Cali girl thing going on, and I love the 80s.

I also found some of them more entertaining than expected. Joslyn was HILARIOUS, and despite her near-walleye (look how far apart her eyes are set!) she's kind of an early favorite. Annaleigh is like Disney Princess pretty and has a totally sweet affect to her, which I enjoyed. And despite my better judgment, I couldn't stop laughing at Hannah's constant "In Alasks we don't have _______." I can tell you one thing you have in Alaska, sweetie: an asshole governor. And you're welcome to keep her.

After we got past the shameful semi-finals, the first actual episode was better. While I don't like most of the girls' personalities, I can see how they could make for some decent drama. It has a distinct Cycle 6 feel to me, although sadly sans a Jade. The photo shoot - making voting sexy - was a total rip-off from Cycle 8's first shoot on political opinions, although it was really poorly pulled off. Some of those set-ups were out of a public access TV show.

Glad to see Sharaun go home first, even more glad to see her fall out when she got cut. THAT'S why I watch this show. She was annoying, overly confident, and about as ordinary as you can get. She wasn't the worst of the girls to attack transsexual Isis - many of these girls were savage toward her, but I was heartened to see my fave, McKey, stand up for her - but Sharaun sure joined in the dogpiling.

I don't think Isis will win. I doubt she'll even make it oversees (although she did well on the photo shoot this week). And my best friend is totally confused as to why Tyra has decided to lift her tranny ban now. But I like the story arc it's presenting, and I think Isis is actually a great role model for the transgendered community. (Although she explicitly states that she's not there to be anything but the best model she can be.) She's strong, calm, mature, and at ease with herself. We should all be so lucky. Kudos to you, Isis. Kudos to you.