I always feel like an abused housewife whenever a new season of "Idol" comes on. The promos promise me it will be better. No more useless idiot auditions, baby. No more hours of filler, honey. More actual talent on display. It would never do that to me again.

And yet, last night's Season 8 premiere started off with a 10-minute segment of absolutely useless filler (let's mostly look back at a bunch of freaks who have tried out in the past!) and then went straight into an joke audition featuring some guy in a gigantic fro. God DAMMIT, "Idol"! I believed you this time!

I fell for those sweet, sweet lies mostly because there IS a lot of change this year. A new fourth judge, Kara DioGuardi, who acquitted herself nicely last night. (Rumor has she's been brought on to ease the transition when Paula inevitably leaves/gets kicked off; I disagree. She's clearly nothing like Paula in that she is not a washed-up pop star, has actual discernible talent, and can articulate her opinions clearly. I actually really like her.) The seemingly interminable initial audition episodes have been trimmed by a full week, while Hollywood has been extended to two. And the semi-finals have been totally overhauled, which we'll get to once we get closer to that fresh hell.

But last night was a lot of same old same old. Even the actual good auditions didn't do much for me, save for the last one, and aside from that it was freaks a-plenty. And it really is the law of diminishing returns with these assholes, because none of them were anywhere close to some of the nutballs of years' past. The producers say they recognize this. Then why do they keep making the same mistakes? A little foundation make-up will cover up that black eye nicely...

I refuse to recap the chuds. But here's what I thought of the good auditions, such as they were:

Emily oversang "Barracuda," but you could tell she has talent. Anne Wilson is a goddess and this girl basically held her own. She has a great tone to her voice, and an interesting pop/punk look.

J.B. is the very definition of a Broadway singer, and has chaff written all over him. He lacks star quality and will likely be cut quickly.

Arianna looked and sounded exactly like one of those Disney stars that I can't tell apart. Scrubby bubbly clean - she even has her own charity to help old people! But honestly, I think she sang "Put Your Records On" better than that annoying girl who actually recorded it.

Stevie was good for 16, but ultimately pretty unremarkable. The judges' comparisons to Kelly Clarkson were simply delusional.

Michael is what we call "a big hangin' man." He reminds me of that football player from Season 3, Matt something. Oh, how I loved him. Michael is good, and has a nice quality to his voice. If he makes it into the Top 12 and goes country he could be formidable with the Gracin audience.

Katrina, a.k.a. Bikini Girl, is everything I despise in life. Decent singer, but not great. The guys all gushed over her, but newsflash: she has major bitchface. And she had the audacity to roll her eyes when the women judges mocked her for her calculated move of wearing a bikini to get attention from the men. Fuck you, Katrina. Something tells me that this waste of natural resources is the next Antonella Barba. I only hope that comes with the soul-crushing, life-destroying media barrage.

Brianna got major points with me for breaking out the Deniece Williams. I frankly thought she was better than Stevie and a couple of the others, and I didn't get the Randy/Kara hate. She was fun and goofy, and had a perfectly decent voice. Will the make Top 12? Probably not. But she was by no means bad.

Deanna sounded good on "Dock of the Bay" - I missed most of her audition because I was getting ice cream in the kitchen (priorities) - but I detected a vague sob story about not having her family there or something. Boo hoo.

Cody is a study in contrasts, or maybe just in how lame teenagers are. He's got a decent voice, but he so badly wants to be "cool" and "different" and he just...isn't. He's actually kind of chipper. You know he secretly hangs "High School Musical" posters up in his room when nobody's around. Just embrace it, Cody. Screw the poseurs.

Alex the geek is like my new favorite person. He's funny and self-deprecating, and he knows his geography. True, he looks like he's either terrified or in pain when he sings. But he's like Chicken Little from Season 5, except much more interesting. He's got a quavering nervous voice. He should invest in conditioner. He'll be cut in Hollywood round 1.

Finally, Scott is almost completely blind, went to college at 14, graduated at 19. He's a spectacular singer, and a total ringer for this competition. The other contestants should pack up now, because seriously, you can't top a seemingly nice, smart, talented, charming blind man. I consider myself a hardened bastard, but this guy isn't playing for sympathy. He's just kind of awesome. It's hard to hate on that. I don't use "inspiring" often, but...yeah. Inspiring.

Tonight: Kansas City. Hold me.