There are many mysteries in life, but perhaps none so quizzical as this: Why does every sexually confused, socially maladjusted young man try out for "American Idol"? (Actually, scratch that; I know the answer. When you're young, gay, and confused, fame = acceptance in your tortured mind.) Last night was like a buffet of sad, self-loathing gay men. Watching them humiliate themselves on national TV is not funny. It's cringe-inducing because you know, about five or 10 years down the line once they figure themselves out, they're going to look back on that moment and reach for the gas pipe. Sad. And we were complicit in it! Oh, show...

Aside from the bi-curious punching bags (again: sad), I found last night's episode terribly dull. I'm considering dropping out of the initial auditions since they're always my least favorite part of the season, and none of the people we end up liking from this part of the competition ever make semi-finals anyway. Thank god we've got a reprieve until next Tuesday. Maybe it'll help me work up the interest to persevere...

My thoughts on the "good" auditions:

Casey Carlson is cute as a button and I like her voice. She's a little affected but there's something there. She tries a little hard with the dress and the cutesiness, but if she makes it into the Top 12 she'll easily find fans.

Vaughan Smith a.k.a. Screaming Asshole in Hat. It's not that he has a bad voice; when he's not shouting he's a decent singer. But that dude is going to bust a capillary. And if he makes it through to semifinals he is going to be the death of us. He is also a TOTAL poseur.

Michael Castro, brother of dreadlocked Jason, who somehow made it to fifth place last year. (Inconceivable; god, what a terrible year that was.) Michael just started singing 20 days before the audition. Awesome, so much for Tuesday's "It takes hard work and years of practice to get here" line, judges. Michael has a generic pop/rock voice, but doesn't really have chops. Terrible hair apparently runs in the family. There's just something overwhelmingly smug about the guy I don't like.

Matt Breitzke is Chris Daughtry plus 60 pounds and minus all his charisma. He has a good karaoke voice but zero star quality.

Jessica Furney sang Janis, which, pass. But I like her a lot. She reminds me of a thick Anna Paquin, and I think she's really lovely in a naturally pretty way. There are a lot of wonderful qualities in her voice. I suspect she's a really genuine, cool person.

India Morrison is amazing. I love her and her sister, Asia, and their rap was awesome. Why'd you try to steal my cookie? Indeed. If there was a "Sister Idol," Asia would win. India is scrappy, but I don't think she has the voice to make it that far into the competition.

Jamar Rogers is very loud, and resembles a lizard with a ridge on his head. Why do people have to sing so loud? Loud is the new good. I don't mind him, but his voice doesn't particularly interest me either.

Danny Gokey is really strange. He's a music teacher. I really like his voice, his look, the whole thing. But...something is wrong. He has a really heart-wrenching sob story - his wife died just a month before these auditions - and he cried while retelling it, so I totally believe it's true. But he was SO ELATED after getting his golden ticket I had to pause. This man's wife died a MONTH ago. Do recent widowers give out fist bumps?

Anoop Desai, a.k.a. Noop Dogg, has soul. He could play in the remake of "Revenge of the Nerds," but Anoop is a funky mofo. I'm dubious that he'll make it through Hollywood, but he was fun.

Asa Barnes picked a bad song - "The Way You Make Me Feel" - that was too. He closes his eyes when he sings. He has implausible logic ("I want to show the world that you can be a good father/being a father is the most important thing in my life/I'm ready to live my dream"). Asa, you flammer me.

Dennis Brigham made it through, one of the most egregious examples of bad decision-making on this show. He cannot sing! He begged his way into Hollywood. Shameful. Just shameful. And the judges did him no favors; now his whole family is under the impression that he can sing, and they will indulge him in his delusions.

Lil Rounds really does have a fantastic name. She can sing, reminds me a lot of Fantasia mixed with Mary J. Blige (which I totally wrote before Randy said it). The thing is, we had Fantasia, and America is resoundingly indifferent to Fantasia. I am fearful for her because of the whole "'American Idol' will save my family" thing. A reality show will not save your family, even if you win it, which is highly unlikely. The praise heaped upon her by the judges was way over the top. She's good, but she's not THAT good. Her husband couldn't be less interested in this process. I'm going to spend nights worrying about what's happening to Lil Rounds and her adorable babies...

Next week: it goes on like this.