"Tool Academy": Adult education

By Eric Rezsnyak on February 16, 2009

I'm having a really hard time reconciling "Tool Academy" lately. On the one hand, the show is AWESOME. Where else can you watch complete douchebags willingly engage in group therapy using personalized sock puppets to discuss their sexual fantasies and frustrations? And where else are you going to watch those same asshats learn about the female anatomy via quivering plastic hoo-ha molds? Truly, we are blessed to have this show.

However, now that we're down to the wire, I'm worried that there's no way this show can end well. With Tommy's dismissal last night (more on that in a second) that leaves three candidates, none of whom would make a satisfying winner. Let's break it down:

Tiny Tool a.k.a. Josh is arguably the only one of the remaining three guys who SHOULD win. He's been taking the process seriously and legitimately seems to be trying to be a better boyfriend to Ashley. However, he's not a tool. He never has been. He's a dweeb at best. He's scrawny, enjoys bowling, and prior to coming to the show was just generally clueless about Ashley's needs. But I don't think he was ever aggressively a BAD boyfriend. He's just more of a thoughtless, passive kind of guy. The worst thing he did was talk smack about Ashley's weight to the other guys - and that IS terrible - but Josh is the least tooly of the tools. A win for him would be pretty anticlimactic. Additionally, what kind of precedent does it set for future editions of the show (PLEASE let there be future editions of this show) if the wimpy guy wins? What legitimate tools would try out if they know that dorks end up getting the prize? He's more "Beauty and the Geek" than "Tool Academy."

Loudmouth Tool a.k.a. Shawn Shawn could conceivably win this thing. He really seems to be working toward a connection with his gorgeous, sweet, smart girlfriend, Aida. But can ANYTHING redeem Shawn after his notorious infidelity spree? Let's not forget, the guy started the show with an entirely different girl he'd been dating for seven months, and she left once Aida, his girl of SIX YEARS, walked through the door. He really should have been expelled that episode, but he makes for great TV. (Plus, cut the hair and give him a new personality chip, and: foxy.) Even though the two of them seem happy, and he does appear to be working, there's no denying that he's still a tool to the bone, and basically will say what he needs to to get the money. A win for Shawn would be a slap in the face to all the other guys who got cut, and could hurt the show's credibility. (Oh, who am I kidding? It's a trashy VH1 show. It has no credibility!)

Naked Tool a.k.a. Matsuflex After the first couple episodes I thought Matsu and Jenna were a lock for the win. They work well together. Matsu had a ton of terrible behavior to make up for, making his "transformation" arc totally buyable (see Saaphyri/Brandi M. in "Charm School"). And there's no denying the guy is a tool - he goes by the nickname Matsuflex and likes to run around in man panties. But here's the problem: these two are the fakest bunch of fakes I have ever seen on a reality show. Last night was the second time Matsu flew into one of his "rages," where he starts punching and throwing things and screaming completely unintelligible garbage. But he's clearly acting - and not particularly well. He can't even stop smiling while he's supposed to be going nuts! It's a play for cameras, and a bid to show how much more he "needs" the show because he's "out of control." Add in Jenna's total BS no-sex stuff and her constant crying wolf about the other girls attacking her (while she's the one pointing most of the acrylic fingernails), and you've got two players on board. It's interesting that they were the ones questioning whether Mega and his girlfriend were actually a couple, because truthfully I wonder whether Jenna and Matsu are anything more than friends out to win $100,000. The more I watch Jenna and Matsu the less I like them, and I seriously hope they don't win this thing. (But I suspect they will.)

As for Tommy getting the boot, it was overdue. The guy threw a recliner in the first episode, and when people pointed out that his relationship with Krista was more like a screwed-up mother/son dynamic than a boyfriend/girlfriend situation...well, they had a point. But it was brutal to watch Krista walk away from him at the end. I didn't see that one coming, I expected them to try to work through it, because he obviously does love her. But I can't blame her. How does any grown man not have a job, and even worse, choose to live off his girlfriend's child support? I can't even imagine what you would do all day. He really was a tool, even if he was more socially mature than the remaining three bozos (Shawn and Matsu mocking him from the balcony just underscores how little they've learned in the house, and Josh just stood by like their lacky, as always). I hope they do a reunion so we can see if Tommy and Krista ultimately got back together, or if the poor bastard got a job. I'd like to think the answer to at least one of those is yes.