The big finish. In the audience: Kimberly Locke. Joely Fisher. Janice Dickinson with, I think, Anna Nicole Smith's baby daddy. Oh, Janice. Ryan said that 624,000,000 votes were cast over the season, with 100,000,000 last night alone. That's a lot of votes for the lowest-rated final sing-off in the show's history. Insanity. Going into the show Dial Idol predicted that it was too close to call, but they were giving Kris a 1.1 percent edge over Adam. On the other side, internet search requests were way in Adam's favor, and apparently that's been true for every winner on the show ever. So it was a tight race, which always makes for the most interesting finales. (Remember Fantasia vs. Diana DeGarmo? Who didn't think Fantasia had it in the bag? I bet even Diana had resigned herself to it by Top 4.)

The Top 13 came out singing Pink's "So What." The white outfits did nothing for Michael Sarver's figure. The Up With People-style group numbers are the worst part of this show, and I cringed toward the beginning. But somehow I thought it turned out OK in the end. Scott was really into it! Allison was great; god, I missed that woman. Megan clearly had no idea what was going on with the choreography. Jasmine Murray showcased why she was the first to go in a truly gruesome solo.

Then last year's champ, David Cook, came out for his pass-the-torch number. David's brother just died, so I can't talk any shit about the guy (but I will say I'm not a fan of the song). I quit watching his season - the first time I skipped out on the show since Season 3, mostly because I didn't like any of the contestants as people, much less singers. But David is clearly a talented guy and should have a great career ahead of him. He's certainly one of the more legitimate musicians to take the title. I just hope he gets some better songs on his next disc, because most of the cuts off his current one left me cold.

Ugh, the Golden Idol Awards. In other words, the parade of assholes who embarrassed themselves in the beginning of the season. I don't even remember half of these losers, and I watched every fucking minute of this season. Didn't we make enough fun of the mentally deficient back in January?

Of course Norman Gentle/Nick Mitchell was a shoe-in for the Outstanding Male award. I knew we'd see this sack of useless flesh tonight. Nick called out his comedy heroes, like Steve Martin, Martin Short, Whoopie Goldberg. I'm sure they really appreciated those props. Then he ripped off his sweats and did his stupid Norman bit. Where are the snipers when you really need them?

Actually talented people: duet between Lil Rounds and Queen Latifah. Lil would get my award for Biggest Disappointment of the Season. She was so amazing in semi-finals and then she just never got it back. The judges' bullshit critique didn't help, but I think she just lost the plot. Her performance with Latifah was a perfect example of what I'm talking about. Lil looked uncomfortable and the voice didn't kick in until near the end of the song. (Latifah sounded terrible too, though, and should fire her stylist.) Liked the song, loved the back-up dancers. They should have those on the stage in every performance every week, like on "Any Dream Will Do."

Anoop Desai came out singing "I'm Yours" by Jason Mraz, along with Alexis Grace (remember her? She sounded awful) AND Jason Mraz. I felt Anoop rushed the intro. I also questioned his ill-considered facial hair. Jason sounded amazing (his first album, by the way, is one of the best debuts I've ever listened to). I think they did that number as a group sing earlier in the season, didn't they?

Kris Allen with Keith Urban, "Kiss a Girl." Kris sounded fantastic; the people who dismiss him as being a cute guy who appeals to "teeny boppers' (whatever that even means anymore) are willfully ignoring his huge talent as a singer and musician. I mean, this isn't Blake Lewis or Justin Guarini we're talking about here, people. It's not just good looks and a passable voice that got him here. I would argue that Kris outsang Keith on parts of the song. It was a perfect song choice for him, and a great performance.

The gals of Season 8 then tarted themselves up to sing Fergie's "Glamorous." Holy cats was Megan awful. It really was a shameful crop of women that made up the season. Allison really was their only hope. Fergie herself then came out to sing that terrible "Big Girls Don't Cry" song. That transitioned to the Black Eyed Peas proper coming out to perform "Boom Boom Pow." I always find it hilarious that one of the lyrics goes "I'm so 2008, you're so 2000 and late." Um, isn't it late to be 2008 for a song that came out in 2009? Even better: in the middle of the song the camera panned to an "American Idol" symbol on the floor and the sound dropped out for like 30 seconds. An offensive line being censored? Or a colossal screw up? You be the judge. Will-I-am rapped the shit out of the end of that song. I wanted more from the backup dancers in the full-body suits in the crazy patterns.

More of the Asshole Awards. Best Attitude. Fucking Bikini Girl. God, how I hated her. I know this may shock you, but Bikini Girl got her boobs done, and did everything possible to shove them in America's face. Classy dame. I think this may be the closest "Idol" has come to a porno, or at least the sex trade. And there have been actual hookers on this show. None of them were as gross as this girl. Then Kara came out and sang the shit out of "Vision of Love" and showed her skanky ass how it is done. LOVED IT! Kara is amazing. At the end she ripped open her dress to reveal a bikini. And I would like to say, she's got a better body than the tramp. The look of stank on Bikini Girl's face: priceless.

Allison Iraheta AND CYNDI LAUPER! "Time After Time!" This is what I always wanted! Allison gets my award for Biggest Surprise of the Season. I really thought she would be gone by Week 3, and she turned into such a great contestant. Likable, talented, consistent - I heart Allison. She and Cyndi sounded good on a stripped-down, acoustic version of one of the best songs of the 80s, slipping into a really beautiful round section toward the end. It's been a big week for Cyndi. She was here AND the season finale of "30 Rock." Lovely lovely lovely.

Danny Gokey singing "Hello" by Lionel Richie. I love this song, I'm sorry. I know it's cheesy, but I will forever flash right back to that ridiculous video with the blind sculptress crafting this gigantic clay head of Lionel Richie, complete with jheri curl. Resplendent. And then Lionel came out! He has still got it going on. I've never heard the song they sang, but it was terrible - one of the lyrics was "You can just chill" and "I'll prepare your meals"! What the hell was that? Thankfully they segued into "All Night Long," Paula started dancing, and all was right with the world. Danny sounded good and worked out his white boy shuffle. I think third place was just right for him. A solid contestant, but he would have made for a boring finale opposite any of the other two.

Adam Lambert came out decked out in leather with metal wing-like shoulderpads. He looked like a contestant from the EuroVision song competition. And he decided to sing..."Beth." And then he brought in KISS. Paul Stanley is a very brave man to be rocking out shirtless when he's got to be pushing 60. They dueted on "Detroit Rock City" and then "Rock and Roll All Night." Adam fit in with the group absolutely seamlessly, and sounded better than I think he has all season. This was another really smart pairing, and unquestionably one of the best moments in "Idol" history.

Then Carlos Santa came out and played "Black Magic Woman" and was joined by...Matt Giraud. How does that make any sense? Then the rest of the Top 13 came out to sing up that Rob Thomas/Santana song I OD'd on back when it was released. Jorge totally oversang his solo, and I feel terrible for him. He got so screwed by this show, specifically whoever did his arrangement for Week 1. Heather Locklear sighting! I hate so much what she did to her lips. But if they ever cast a live-action "Duck Tales" movie she should be in luck.

And then in possibly the most random thing to ever happen in the history of the world, Michael Sarver and Megan Joy joined Steve Martin - as in comedy legend/writer Steve Martin - for a banjo-pickin' bluegrass number. But let me tell you this: Megan Joy actually sounded amazing. Seriously. I find that woman beyond annoying, but her voice was perfect for this kind of music. Sarver sounded really good too. Am I crazy, or was that kind of awesome? Oh, and everything is explained. Steve has a new record out, and it featured the song they performed, "Pretty Flowers." Jesus, Martin. Wasn't "Pink Panther 2" bad enough?

The boys came back in suits singing "If You Think I'm Sexy" with some really terrible choreography. I was kind of embarrassed for all of them. That of course led to Rod Stewart, who is looking OLD. But if I had embarrassing kids like his, I think that would age me too. Stewart launched into "Maggie May" and his voice sounded pretty shot. Worse, he brought the night's momentum to a screeching halt. And up until then I'd been having a surprisingly great time.

Final Asshole Award. Seriously, I don't remember half of these girls. How are they any worse than any of the other terrible auditioners? And, of course, Tatiana Nicole del Toro. OF. COURSE. So there's a hat trick for the three losers I knew we would see tonight. And then a totally staged bit she launched into "Saving All My Love For You." I was really hoping Whitney would come out. She and Tatiana could compare their notes on Actual! Crack! Rocks! (Points to the three people who get that reference, and I'm sorry for being indulgent for the rest of you.)

Adam and Kris sang "We Are the Champions" with what remains of Queen (the world is still poorer for having lost Freddie Mercury) and, I think, a gospel choir. It was big and bombastic and was supposed to be moving, but at that point, I was just so ready to be done with it all. My laptop was running out of battery and I wanted ice cream.

AND THEN KRIS WON! HOLY SHIT! Nobody saw that coming. Nobody! Let the housewives of America start bitching in 3...2...1

In all seriousness, I am genuinely surprised. I like Kris, and I even think he beat Adam on Tuesday. But in terms of a satisfying ending, I think Adam would have made more sense. The season has really been all about him, like it or not (and I kind of don't). Kris came into the Top 36 with ZERO pimping and he went on to win the thing. That's amazing. I can't think of the last time that happened, if ever, on this show. So kudos to Kris, although now he's stuck with that shitty "No Boundaries" song as his first single, and 19 Entertainment telling him what to do with his first disc. At least he sounded markedly better on his coronation single than he did Tuesday.

What a crazy finale! All in all it was one of the more entertaining "AI" finales I can remember. Thank y'all for reading this blog every week. It's been fun reading your comments. And now a plea: I know viewership drops off dramatically once "So You Think You Can Dance" starts up, as it will tomorrow night. But please give the show a chance. It is better than "Idol" in almost every single way, and I will be blogging the hell out of it. Won't you join me?