Finale! Adam Lambert vs. Kris Allen! Obligatory montage showing the guys' initial auditions (did we ever see Kris's?) up through their greatest hits from the competition! Camryn Manheim in the audience! Each guy sang three songs: contestant's favorite number from the season, a song picked by show creator Simon Fuller, and an original coronation song written by Kara DioGuardi.

Adam Lambert package. He was a screamy baby. Shocking! He chose "Mad World" by Tears for Fears, from the Year of Your Birth week. Good choice; this was one of my favorite performances from him. He went uberdramatic with a long, black trenchcoat and a slow creep down the backlit stairs onto a stage covered in thick, swirling fog. I found it a little boring this time, although no less controlled than his first stab. I think it's because I knew what was coming, but it also seemed to lack a bit of the energy of the original performance. Still beautiful, though. Anthony Hopkins was in the audience! How random is that? Adam needed some lip chap badly. Simon said it was a bit too "Phantom of the Opera" for him, while Randy objected that it was more "Twilight." Oh, Randy. That's not an upgrade.

Kris Allen package. He used to hate to sing in front of his family, and they had to bribe him with quarters. Adorable. Kris chose "Ain't No Sunshine" from Motown Week (I think). Another good choice. I was initially afraid he would pick the Kanye song from last week, since that was such a huge hit for him (I would argue that it got him into the finals). That would have been a mistake; the judges hated it when Kat McPhee pulled it in Season 5. Kris sounded even better on the song than he did originally, and he completely transformed the song into a rockin' piano pop ballad. I loved it, but I will say I felt it was building and building but failed to climax properly. Paula: "Kris, you awaken the spirit in all of us." You can't improve on that shit, ladies and gentlmen. Kris's arms looked huge. THAT's new.

Simon called Round 1 for Kris. I would call it a tie.

Creator pick: "Change Is Gonna Come" by Sam Cooke for Adam Lambert. This was a terrible choice for Adam. Why pick an r ‘n' b song for Adam, when his strength is rock, with the soaring screams and wails? Which he finally got to toward the middle of the song, but the first third of it was practically interminable. I agree with Randy that Adam sang the shit out of it, but I maintain that it was a poor fit for Adam - it's not a song he would ever sing in a million years. Then Paula and Kara basically tongue-bathed his balls about how it was his best vocal ever, which is totally not true. It was good, and he did everything he could with it, but I don't think he connected with the song like he has with others in the competition.

Random star sighting: Katie Holmes! AND Suri Cruise! Who do you think Xenu would vote for?

Creator pick: "What's Goin' On?" by Marvin Gaye. What is with the r ‘n' b protest song choices? Has Simon Fuller heard anything recorded in the past 30 years? All that said, Kris sounded absolutely amazing on the song. It fits his voice much better than the previous song did Adam's. He sounded like a brighter Jason Mraz, he connected with the tune, played the hell out of his guitar, and looked and sounded great, and really interpreted the song beautifully. Randy said it was a little bit "light" for a room that big; I have no idea what that even means. Was Adam's quiet first number not too light for the room? Bizarre. Simon hated it and called it too laid back; totally disagree. Round 2 I definitely give to Kris.

Adam Lambert singing the coronation song called "There Are No Boundaries," or something. I thought Adam sounded pinched and strained throughout the performance. I wonder if it was a bad key or something, because it just did not sound good. I mean, the song sucked period, but his vocal was also just dreadful. Blech. I'm glad Randy at least called him out on the pitchiness. I hate that word, but it was well used there. I loved how Paula completely danced around how dreadful the vocal sounded, and then Simon also opted out on discussing the performance itself, instead opting to tell Adam how they feel they've found a true superstar in him. I think Simon's probably right on that - Adam will have some kind of career when this is over, no matter what happens tomorrow night - but that doesn't change the fact that he biffed that last song big time.

Then Kris Allen sang the terrible song. He sounded incredibly flat in the beginning, and then he FORGOT THE WORDS! Oof! Man, this song isn't well suited for either of those voices, it was too high. If you're writing a song for the winner, why not at least attempt to write something ONE of the two contestants can sing? Bizarre. It was his screamiest performance by a mile, he seemed totally bored by the song, he looked uncomfortable - it was all bad. There was nothing to like about that. I don't think anybody won Round 3. We all lost. The judges gave Kris the runner-up speech, so they clearly figure Adam will win. And that's probably right.

And then my beloved alabaster goddess Cunderwood sang her cover of Motley Crue's "Home Sweet Home" over the montage of losers from Season 8. Megan Joy. Tatiana. Bunny Man. Fucking Normund. None of it matters. Except Carrie's incredible boots. Hot. Bitch.

Personally I thought Kris sounded better in rounds one and two, and neither of them sounded good in Round 3. But it will be shocking if Adam Lambert doesn't win this thing. He has been the story of the season and will make a better winner than Kris, who I think will do just fine regardless of the outcome, and probably have a better career not being tied to the 19 Entertainment machine. But we'll see. Take it, readers: who won?