I tuned in a few minutes late, after a trip to the bathroom to spew some bile in response to Allison gettting robbed on "Top Model." I caught the tail end of the pimpommercial, a horrific vocal featuring the Final 3 singing "Break My Stride" by Matthew Wilder (which, incidentally, you cannot buy on iTunes - lame). The video looked to be some kind of crudely drawn cartoon/live action mash-up. Yikes.

Anyway, then Alicia Keys came out to tell us more about "Idol Gives Back," and to harangue our nation into give $5 each to help give medicine to African kids. So the megacorporations aren't even giving any money this year, and America is still expected to shell out? Fucking weak, show.

Then Keys - who did not even perform -- introduced some...10-year-old? Called...Noah? Who then "sang" "World's Greatest"? I guess? Which he allegedly learned in English the night before, because I guess he's African? But I couldn't understand a word he was saying? Was he even singing? It looked like he was just jumping around on the stage grinning like an idiot. Is he a thing? Should I know him? All I could think is, WHAT IS HAPPENING ON MY TELEVISION RIGHT NOW?! The show reverted back into "American Juniors" for like 10 minutes, because the performance just kept going and going, including some terrible breakdance-type thing he did in the middle. This was one of the most surreal moments in "Idol" history. I still don't know what happened.

Then Danny Gokey went back to Milwaukee. I don't really know what to say, except that I laughed at the poor, deluded young woman in pink madras pajama pants and a spangly top who ran after Gokey's limo with every fiber of her being. That's embarrassing for her. And we saw Jamar again. I have this feeling of dread that we'll be seeing him again next year. And Danny can't throw a pitch for shit.

Kris Allen got to go back and visit the people of Conway, Arkansas. Apparently he now gets free cheese dip for life? Kris Allen: you have arrived. I stayed in the hotel Kris stayed at. Weird. Not much to say about Kris's package. He seems to have a lovely family that misses him very much. His accent comes out crazy thick when he's down South, it's kind of funny.

Before we can get to the Adam Lambert homecoming (the show has already decided that he's won, I think, hence giving his package even more prominence than the other two) my darling Jordin Sparks came out to sing her new song, "Battlefield," which I don't particularly care for. Jordin looked amazing, but she was flat for the majority of the song. I just think it's a bad idea to do a song comparing love to a battlefield when your name is not Pat Benatar. It's just bound to pale in comparison. Especially when 70 percent of the song is just you screaming "Battlfield!" and "Get your armor!" over and over again. Yikes. Jordin, I love you. I support you. Please get better songs. Kisses, Eric.

Finally, Adam Lambert went home to San Diego. Adam mugged for the camera from his stretch SUV limo. Blech. He then went to talk to his former children's theater group, which was totally adorable - you can tell he interacts with kids really well. He sang "America the Beautiful" in a much more normal register and sounded absolutely beautiful. Why can't he stick in that register all the time? Lay off the shriek, Adam, and you and me will be just fine.

When they got back from break, there were clearly technical difficulties, and Ryan had to stretch like a pro. Then Katy Perry came out wearing a sexed-up Elvis costume with "Adam Lambert" emblazoned upon the cape. How is that remotely appropriate in this competition? They're just being so blatant about the Adam pimping at this point. It makes me actually pine for Danny or Kris to take it just so the show would have egg all over its face. Anyway, I like Katy Perry's CD, but Christ is she awful in person. Melody? Tone? General singing ability? Totally gone. She makes Madonna or Britney sound like Aretha Franklin. Gorgeous woman, though. And she clearly has a lot of fun on stage. Also: Nice rack, baby.

Results, finally. First person in is Kris Allen! YAY! I'm so excited! I had prepared for him to go home. And he'll be going up against Adam Lambert. Honestly, that's the way it should be. This entire season has been about Adam, and if he somehow lost out on getting to the finals, that would be a real letdown.

So Danny went home. He will have a fantastic gospel career. I know Mandisa has made some inroads in the gospel community, but seriously, Danny could be a crossover success. He has a future ahead of him, that's for sure. In any other season he would have been a finalist, but this year, the talent was seriously amazing.

So a Kris/Adam finale. I think this is probably one of the most even match-ups we've ever had in the show's history. Both of them are artists, not just singers. They're both wildly different, and both extremely talented. While the Adam Lambert train seems impossible to stop, I wouldn't count Kris out just yet. Simon teased that next week could be a big "ding-dong." I bet Adam likes the sound of that!