I consider myself a casual follower of "Big Brother," CBS's summer mainstay in which a bunch of idiots volunteer to be quarantined in a house together for two-plus months and have every facet of their lives dictated by an unseen overlord, a.k.a. the terrible Julie Chen. It's not a particularly good show, dependent more on good casting than perhaps any other reality TV show. When it's a bad group, it's more boring than church. But when it's good - like the season with Evil Dick and Jen a few years ago - it is the definition of guilty pleasure. I'll typically check in for a few episodes every season, but this year I started a little earlier when my friend mentioned, "Have you SEEN some of the guys on the new ‘Big Brother'?" And after taking a gander at Russell and Jeff, I was hooked. Yep, sadly, that's all it takes any more. Sigh.

The twist this season is that the original 12 house guests were divided into four cliques based on high-school tropes: the brains, the athletes, the popular kids, and the off-beats. Some of the sorting doesn't make sense (I'll get to individual player assessments in a minute), but as twists go, it's not a terrible idea. But it does make for less drama than some past set-ups (the arranged couples; bringing players' exes into the house; bringing in people with ages-old grudges; etc.).

The second twist came at the end of episode one, when a player from a past "BB" season was brought back into the game. And that person, unfortunately, was musclebound pinhead Jessie, who was eliminated fourth last season. Jessie got to come in since his "group," the athletes, won the first Head of Household challenge. And I call bullshit. The challenge was purely physical, and it heavily favored the athletes; Jessie was all but guaranteed a spot in the house. But whatever; Jessie became HOH, and the rest of the athletes were safe.

That brought us to last night's episode, which ended with the Nomination Ceremony, in which Jessie selected two house mates for possible eviction. It was a mostly dull episode in which everyone kissed Jessie's ass, Jessie complained about everyone kissing his ass, and everyone weighed in on how the whole thing reminded them of high school, which they all apparently hated. Just underscored how absolutely clueless these chuds are. If you really hated high school, why would you volunteer to put yourself into an actual popularity competition as an adult? Not to mention one where your alienation and humiliation will be broadcast across the country? Let's break these morons down.

THE ATHLETES:

Jessie: Much was said last night about how Jessie is more than just a jock. Both he and his competitors argued that he has layers. No, he doesn't. He is a preening jackass whose over-pumped body is clearly compensation for a lack of...something else. I won't speculate further. Jessie's dream is to be a WWE wrestler, and that's fine. The world needs clowns, and what are WWE stars besides beefy, greased-up clowns? But trying to paint him as a mastermind in this game is laughable. He is a buffoon, who frequently misuses turns of phrase that he thinks sound good in an attempt to appear smart. Sure, he has an advantage, since he's actually lived the scenario before as opposed to just passively observing it from home. But Jessie clearly believes himself to be insightful and manipulative, and he is in fact a chump. Already his Iago, Russell, has shown more ambition and cunning (although he's totally deluded). And Jessie should know he has a HUGE target on his back due to his role in the previous season. So I can't imagine he'll last that long this time around.

Russell: First of all, delicious. As long as Russell is in, I'm in, and hopefully his apparent shirt allergy won't clear up anytime soon. He's definitely not shy about making power moves, and his instincts appear to be right (he was gunning for Lydia from second one, and that's smart since she's one of the few people in the house apparently in possession of a functioning brain), but he's also overconfident to a fault.

Natalie: The only woman on the athletes team, she failed to make any real impact. Was she the poor sportsman during the chess game with Jessie? I can't remember. She seems like a complainer.

Jeff: Jeff is hot, and interestingly, he seems completely removed from the rest of his clique. He basically blew off Jessie in their one-on-one, and was practically invisible for the rest of the episode - he wasn't involved in any of the strategy discussions his clique had as a group. That could be dangerous for him in the short term, but a brilliant play in the long run, especially if he's using this time to make alliances with some of the other cliques.

THE BRAINS:

Ronnie: Ronnie fancies himself an evil mastermind. Ronnie is an idiot. While none of the supposed Brains seem even mildly clever (not a surprise; why would anyone intelligent go on "Big Brother"?), he seems the most clueless of them all. He immediately sidled up to Jessie, with the idea that nobody would expect an alliance between the jock and the geek. Well, they might if you spend all of your time hanging out in the HOH room. Then during the food challenge for the week he completely screwed over his team with some of the worst leadership I've ever seen - and it was an engineering challenge! He should have had that one in the bag. Finally, he thought that he was manipulating everyone by agreeing to get one of his teammates put up as a pawn (at least he was smart enough to not put himself in that position) in order to ensure that whoever the Brains/Athlete alliance wanted out would go home. But by the end of the episode he was all excited that his own TEAMMATE would likely be getting cut, which somehow proved to him his control over the game. How exactly does removing one-third of your team help you in this game? Imbecile!

Chima: Chima is screwed. She stupidly allowed herself to be put up for elimination as the Brains's pawn. And then she pissed off just about everyone in the house with her ridiculous pouting after discovering her accommodations following the food/reward challenge. (The third twist this season: the losing team for the reward challenge is forced to subsist on slop and sleep in a "have-nots" room, which is essentially sleeping bags on a metal floor.) She earned the nickname "Princess," threatened to quit, and generally came off as a pill. She's going home first. At least, I hope she is.

Michele: Didn't make a big impact, but appears to be the least stupid and most socially functional member of the Brains group. She could have potential.

POPULARS:

Laura: Laura is a fantastic example of fucked-up American beauty standards. She is, in fact, one of the most physically repulsive women I've ever seen on reality TV. She is horse-faced, with a TERRIBLE smile. She is nearly Oompa-Loompian in hue due to over-tanning (probably the fake-ass spray-on stuff, at that). She has these humongous fake breasts that look ridiculous on her tiny frame. And she appears to be malnourished; there's no muscle or definition to her body at all, just twigs swathed in leather. Her occupation? Bikini model. Gag. Me. From what I've seen she's about as lovely on the inside as she is on the exterior.

Jordan: Jordan had an epiphany last night: just because people don't look or act like she does doesn't make them totally awful human beings deserving of her scorn. Imagine! She is the definition of dumb blonde. Pretty enough to get by on her looks, but thus far she has shown zero sense of the game.

Braden: I'm not sure how Braden classifies as "popular." What about him would be appealing to other people? His personality? He doesn't appear to have one. His charming wit? He's a blathering idiot in interviews. His looks? Total butterface. Maybe he's rich, because otherwise, he's probably the least interesting guy in the house, and I just don't see the appeal.

THE OFFBEATS:

Lydia: I guess Lydia is "offbeat" because she's covered in tattoos and piercings. But she seems smart and lovely to me, if still caught up in high school bullshit. The fact that she was fairly aggressive in her gameplay, including all but prostituting herself by giving Jessie a body rub prior to the nomination ceremony, has made her an early target. But I'm hopeful she'll escape eviction this week.

Kevin: The token gay (although Braden may be as well; he threw me off with his impossible to follow religious talk), Kevin is refreshingly non-A-gay. He doesn't have a perfect body, or perfect hair, etc. He's just a regular guy. Unfortunately he seems to be a drama queen, and last night was perpetually in crisis mode. He needs to lock that shit down if he has any hope of making it far in the game.

Casey: I'm not sure why Casey is considered an "offbeat." Because he's...bald? He seems like a nice, ordinary guy to me, even if he plays the bumpkin card a little too hard. I need to know more before making a firm assessment.

Your thoughts on the new houseguests?