I cannot tell you how deeply I regret being on vacation last week, since I missed the opportunity to recap the previous episode of this show. I was literally cackling with delight in my living room this weekend, watching it on TiFaux. From the vicious game of "Good Wife/Bad Wife" the women were forced to play, to Lauren's nonstop bitchery getting her sent home, to crybaby Melissa's long overdue ousting, it was one of the most satisfying episodes of a dating show I've ever watched. Sadly, last night's edition couldn't live up to the hype, and was largely boring except for some shocking eliminations.

The remaining six women (I refuse to call them the "Sexy 6" because I don't think even the ladies think they're sexy; sexy is a state of mind, and these guys are depressed most of the time - how about "Sullen 6"?) were divided up into three dates. But there was a twist. One date featured three women, one was a double date, and one was a much-coveted solo date with Luke. There was absolutely no rationalization as to who got which date, so most of the women were (justifiably) pissed off when Malissa once again emerged as front-runner after landing the one-on-one date.

And what a date: a limousine ride to a helicopter; a helicopter ride to a private winery; a wine tasting followed by a blanket picnic; a blanket picnic followed by a tandem bike ride. The whole thing was pretty idyllic. Except, of course, when Luke and Malissa destroyed the bike they were riding due to, well...let's just say they were too much for the poor vehicle. I thought the two of them handled the embarrassing situation with a lot of humor - can you imagine Crybaby Melissa who was booted last week in that situation? She would have gone on some tear-filled 40-minute soliloquy about how the broken spokes reminded her of all the guys who had ignored her because of her weight, or something. Anyway, there was a clear physical connection between Luke and Malissa on the date - they were kissing constantly - but I wonder if there's really anything deeper going on there. The brief snippets of dialogue we got were barely even small talk ("This is great." "Yeah, it's really great."), and although she seemed genuinely smitten by the time she got back to the house, I have a hard time believing Malissa is genuine. She's shown herself to be calculating and hyper-competitive. I wonder if she really wants Luke, or if she just wants to win.

The double date featured Luke taking deranged Kristian and sad Mandy salsa dancing. A word on Mandy: prior to last episode I had no idea who she even was. Last episode we got to know Mandy, and I wish we hadn't. She's just so wan and needy; I don't understand the attraction there at all. On the date Kristian made the most of it, and while Mandy did well at the actual dancing, had a total drama attack when she saw Luke kissing Kristian and went to hide and cry in the bathroom. Sexy! I'm sure this situation is difficult for these women - dating one guy on national TV alongside a dozen or so other girls - but they knew what they were getting into. What did they think would happen? That Luke would take one look at them and say, "Send the other girls away; I have found my wife!" Actually, I bet that's exactly what Kristian thought...

Getting the short end of the stick in the trio date were Heather, Anna, and Tali, none of which were pleased to discover that Luke would be taking them to the beach. Tali - who, like Mandy, has received precious little screentime for someone who has made it into the final six - was especially annoyed, bitching about how she doesn't like being exposed in a bathing suit. Mind you, she said this while sitting on the couch in a sleeveless, low-cut dress with a hem that seemed to fall right above the knee. A bathing suit wouldn't show off all that much more, and while those areas are problematic, that is why God invented sarongs. All three of them showed up to the date in a pissy mood, and to his credit Luke figured it out fairly quickly. He decided to make them more comfortable by stripping down to his board shorts and then invited all three girls to simultaneously slather his pasty flesh in gallons of sunscreen. It was a disturbing image, and it will stick with me for a long, long while.

After that he got some solo time with each girl, and it seems Heather must have had her Crazy Girlfriend Chip installed between this week and last, since she was all pouty and jealous over Luke's date with Malissa, even going so far as to complain that she hasn't had enough time with him. GIRL. You have had two solo dates, more than anyone else in the house, and one of them was totally undeserved; some kind of poorly explained make-good for you spending a date puking and sleeping on a couch. Luke basically told her exactly that, and she shut up fairly quickly. Meanwhile, Anna and Tali both scored points with me after Luke asked if they could ever see themselves marrying him. Both of them gave variations on, "Um, we just met a few days ago, and this is a very weird situation, and I take love and marriage pretty seriously, so calm down, horndog."

Prior to eliminations there was a mixer in which the remaining girls jockeyed for position, which was kind of fascinating to watch. Deluded Kristian told Luke that she loved him in the most ridiculous, wretch-inducing manner I can possibly think of, and should have seen the writing on the wall when he responded that he was "flattered." Check it, ladies: if a guy is "flattered" he ain't interested. Malissa basically said that she would be shocked if she didn't get a ring, since even she knows that at this point she's totally winning this. Tali had a minor freak out while listening to Kristian's babblings, and pulled Luke aside to explain that she's having a real issue with the fact that she's developing feelings for the same guy that the crackpot in the other room is supposedly in love with. Tali's a pill, but she's remarkably self-aware for a reality-show contestant. And Sad Mandy spent the time moaning about how she was about to get her heart broken. You know what men love, ladies? A woman who sulks all the time and plays the perpetual victim. That gets us all hot and bothered! We love it when you make us feel like shit for things we haven't even done yet. Mandy also told Luke about her high-school eating disorder, which I suspect bought her another week on the show.

Going into eliminations I thought for sure we'd be losing Mandy and Tali. So imagine my surprise when BOTH of them got rings (and Anna got hers first, which was weird given the editing of the episode), and Kristian and HEATHER got snuffed. Kristian's been begging for the cut for weeks now - Luke can't be so thick as to miss the crazy coming off that one - but Heather really was a shock. Up until last episode she had been a serious contender. She displayed some jealousy this episode, and Luke noticed her lack of confidence, but it was such a massive reversal with so little explanation that her dismissal seemingly came out of nowhere. Mind you, I'm not complaining. I've never understood why he was crushing on Heather so hard anyway, given that all she's really done that we've seen is puke, sleep, feel sorry for herself, and say that her weight has kept her from fulfilling her dreams as a singer.

As for Kristian, I'm just delighted that she's off my screen. I'm sure she's a lovely person in real life, but she was difficult to watch on this show. I'm guessing she got completely swept up in the insanity of the process, but she broke with reality by like Episode 2. While her elimination wasn't the spectacular flame-out I was hoping for (not even any hair pulling or wailing to the gods), I was glad to see her go either way. She made some comment about how she doesn't usually open herself up like this. Bullshit. You were calling him your future husband after knowing the guy for a couple days tops, and after spending mere hours of alone time with him. You don't go that balls-out - much less on national television - unless you're predisposed to behaving like a 13-year-old girl at a Jonas Brothers concert. She also made some comment about how she thinks Luke dismissed her because she's the biggest girl there. First of all, wrong: Anna is heavier, she just carries her weight better. Secondly: OF COURSE she thinks the problem was her weight! Why on earth would she think for a minute that the issue wasn't her body, but the fact that she appeared so desperate that she was telling a man she barely knows that she loves him after mere days of having met him! The guy weighs like 300 lbs. and is the bachelor on a reality show devoted to dating fat girls! Get a clue! The really disturbing thing: she's a schoolteacher. So America's youth are taking their cues from this chick. Sigh.