Last night Luke took his 15 remaining ladies out on their first group dates. The two women who got their rings first last episode - Malissa and Anna, previously my favorites - were team captains, and tasked with choosing groups playground-style. This of course led to practically all of the big girls boo-hooing about the emotional scars from being picked last in grade-school gym class. Ladies: you are now grown-ass women. This is shit that happened literally decades ago. Time to get over it! I suspect the producers wanted us to identify with the torment these people suffered because of their weight as children, but I'm sorry, you get no pity from me by holding on to pre-pubescent baggage. Deal. With. IT!

I'm not going to bother breaking down the groups, mostly because I still can't identify at least half of these contestants by name. But Malissa's group got the first date, a pleasure cruise aboard a yacht, which was largely uneventful save for Malissa revealing herself to be a total stealth bitch, and poor Heather puking her guts out before even boarding the ship, and spending most of the evening wrapped up in a blanket, dozing on a couch. Again, I suspect the producers wanted me to feel sorry for her. Instead I thought she was kind of pathetic. I'm sure sea sickness sucks (although, can it be sea sickness if she barfed before even getting on the boat?), but dealing with it by curling up and snoozing isn't exactly the kind of behavior that makes me root for someone.

The group date for Anna's clique was a little more diabolical: a pool party. That meant swimsuits. And almost all the women blanched at the idea of having a first date in swimwear. Totally understandable - not only is it a first date, it's a first date with six other girls, filmed for national television, and you're half-naked. You've got to draw a line somewhere. But once Luke took off his shirt and let it all hang out, most of the women unclenched a bit. Again, not a lot happened, except that Melissa cried a lot (some more), and Lauren showed us that she's not afraid to be aggressive.

Some random thoughts that occurred to me about the ladies as the episode went on:

Malissa: My initial favorite from the first episode is actually kind of a bitch, and awfully cocky. She said this episode that she's pretty sure she's the one who's going to end up with Luke. Shit. There's self confidence, and then there's hubris.

Kristian: Got a total chip on her shoulder that Malissa gained her weight after high school, and seemed to imply that she couldn't possibly know how hard it is to be fat the way Kristian does. Except that Malissa is, you know, fat. Kristian came off looking really stupid this episode, and what's worse, she seems completely deluded. She repeatedly said shit along the lines of now that she's found Luke, all her problems are solved. Take a memo, sweetheart! He's dating 19 other women at the same time! I believe Kristian is deranged. She has crazy eyes.

Christina: Picked last for the group date, she got a solo date. Suck on that, bitches. Not that I blame the other girls for not choosing her. Christina is a woo girl through and through, and I find her grating to the max. Bonnie (quickly becoming my favorite) referred to her as that really smelly girl in grade school who you always got stuck next to during class pictures. HA!

Melissa: Oh, this girl is such a disaster. I lost count of the number of times this episode that she ended up in tears. During the pool party she was so visibly uncomfortable that the other girls kept coming up to comfort her, and for the second week in a row Luke had to make a special gesture toward her to basically keep her from losing her shit. To put it plainly, that is fucked up. This is not "More Neuroses to Love." Melissa may have zero self esteem (she basically said so herself this episode), but she is a total narcissist. Nobody exists except for Melissa. She worries what people will think about her if she walks down the street holding hands with her boyfriend. Here's a thought: nobody will care. Because there are a lot of fat people in the world. I mean, hello! Look around you! I doubt you're even the biggest girl on this SHOW!

Lauren: Came off as super aggressive at the pool party, and then revealed herself to be a terrible shit-stirrer when she started gossiping like crazy, throwing girls under the bus. She acted like she was somehow doing Luke a favor by slagging all the other girls (Arianne doesn't want kids; she's old enough to be his mom - which is especially bitchy, since there's only an 11-year age difference). I mean, you need to have catty girls on these shows to make them interesting. But he can't seriously be into a woman that negative, can he?

In the end three more women went home: Vanessa (who?), older gal Arianne, and some cute girl whose name I don't think they even showed. Ouch. Next week: FAT PROM!