I wasn't even planning to blog last night's episode of "The Amazing Race." Firstly, I assumed it would be a non-elimination leg, since we haven't had one of those since the premiere. And secondly, there's so much going on this week in TV land that I wanted the night off. But after last night's insanity, I just couldn't let it slide by without chiming in.

The teams spent the entire episode in Dubai again, and performed a series of tasks that included rowing a dinghy, measuring gold, doing simple math, and assembling a bunch of hookahs. The only developments of note: very few of these people knew how to row a boat; it is deliriously hot in Dubai; Team Miss America isn't particularly good when it comes to the details; Team Poker dominated in this leg, going from nearly last to second place. Meanwhile, Team Globetrotters stumbled, showing up at the wrong marina and failing to understand how to get open a briefcase with a clue inside, and they plummeted to last place.

Before the teams could check in with Phil, they had to perform one final task: go down a very high, very steep water slide at some elaborate water park. This was not a problem for most teams (although Miss America Ericka was a little out of sorts about it), but it was disastrous for Mika and Canaan. Throughout her run on the show Mika has exhibited a fear of both heights and water. And not just a little fear, we're talking full-on heaving sobs when forced to even ride in a boat or merely ride an elevator to the top of a skyscraper. You can understand how the water slide task might be difficult for someone with both of those conditions, but when you couple that with how generally useless Mika is as a human being (she has performed only one Roadblock out of the six at that point, and nearly got her team eliminated due to her terrible performance in it), you get one of the all-time great moments in "Amazing Race" history. Seriously: I would put this in my Top 10, along with Colin and the "broken" ox, Rob convincing every other team to bail on the meat-eating Roadblock, and Lenny lying to Karla about seeing the clue at the top of the Eiffel Tower.

By the time Mika and Canaan got to the water slide, everyone had already completed the task and checked in except for them and the Team Globetrotter. As Canaan stripped down to his bathing suit (thank you for that, TV gods), Mika quickly spiraled into a spectacular meltdown, fidgeting about in her swimsuit - with floaties, HA! - and ratcheting up the hysterics. Things went from pathetically hilarious to uncomfortable when Mika grabbed her and attempted to force her down the slide (I did not agree with this behavior, although I could certainly understand his frustration), and she bawled, flailed around, and screamed to the attendant for help, ultimately wrestling loose and screaming "You can't make me! You can't make me!" like a 4-year-old.

That's what Mika's tantrum ultimately reminded me of: a very young child. My 3-year-old niece is more reasonable than this grown-ass woman. Mika cried, she screamed, she stomped her feet, she pouted. At one point she sat in the slide and splashed water on her legs while moaning "Why do you hate me so much?" to her partner, who, it should be pointed out, was just trying to make her GO DOWN A SLIDE. It was some of the most appalling behavior I have ever seen on this show, and I was embarrassed for her (but cackling on my couch the entire time).

The drama escalated when the Globetrotters finally arrived at the scene. Apparently there's a rule that if another team is behind you, the first team has two minutes to complete the task, or the other team is given the green light. As Mika begged his partner to go down the slide - a ride potentially worth $1 million - Big Easy of the Globetrotters encouraged her NOT to, telling her that if she was scared, she shouldn't do it. That pissed Canaan off, but I thought it was masterful game play. I've been ambivalent about the Globetrotters up until now, as I've never found them as likable or entertaining as I suspect I am supposed to. But I have a new level of respect for them after that scene. If you are up for elimination against a team where one of the members is having a totally irrational mental crisis, you absolutely exploit it to your advantage. As I said last episode, this is a game, not a friendship circle.

Ultimately Mika's time ran out, the Globetrotters zipped ahead, and then Canaan, furious at his partner, jumped down the slide himself and waited for her at the bottom. And after a couple minutes crying into the camera about how Caanan was going to hate her, Mika bailed on the assignment and just climbed the steps down to meet her boyfriend, and they were both summarily eliminated.

Phil noticeably did not ask Canaan what he was feeling at the mat, but I wish he had. Canaan said in the post-elmination interview that he had already forgiven Mika, and that they remained a couple. Confidential to Canaan: you're an idiot. Listen, the water slide - whatever. I understand that shit happens. But it isn't about that particular instance. It's about the fact that your girlfriend has the emotional maturity of a guinea pig. We all have fears, but rather than even attempt to conquer them - and let's not forget, it was a WATER SLIDE that CHILDREN regularly ride down - she reverted to a screaming, pouting child and was terrible to you. TERRIBLE! She didn't just rob you of a chance at $1 million (they never would have won anyway), she also robbed you of a chance at traveling the world and taking part in dozens of incredible experiences. Because she was too much of a baby to even attempt to follow through on something. And I don't know if you've looked in the mirror lately, Canaan, but you can do so much better. Seriously. Even if you can put up her bullshit right now, what kind of a wife and mother would this girl make? Does this always happen when she doesn't get her way? DUMP. HER. NOW.