Should "Melrose Place" overcome its currently anemic ratings and survive for several more seasons (and I sincerely hope that it will), I suspect last night's episode will be looked back on as a missed opportunity. The big teaser for the episode was the hooker cruise, featuring Lauren, our favorite med student-turned-prostitute, a bevy of other working girls, and a boat full of big-deal art thieves. That is a recipe for awesomeness. That is, per the CW's current tagline, TV to talk about.

And yet, before the boat even left the dock, our time at the hooker cruise was over. Lauren bolted after seeing complex-mate David on the ship, and after he pissed off the art thieves (he refused to do a job for them), it turned into a bruise cruise when he was savagely beaten. I didn't get any stripping. I didn't get any simulated sex acts. The best I got was a fairly chaste kiss. Worst hooker cruise ever!

With that tease of a plot line fizzling out, the only thing that saved last night's episode was - and I can't believe I'm writing this - Violet. I am terribly conflicted about this character. Violet has proven herself a worthy "Melrose" vixen - in just six episodes in she has stolen, run from the law, connived, manipulated, framed an innocent, and in last night's episode, seduced and blackmailed. It won't be long before she works her way up to attempted murder or explosives, and hopefully she'll be wearing some insane wig when she does so. However, Ashlee Simpson is by far the worst actress on this, or possibly any, show. Her preferred method of emoting seems to be to tuck her chin in and open her eyes wide as saucers, which isn't so much sexy/endearing as it is suggestive that she's having a stroke. But considering that her target this episode was Michael Mancini, even potential paralysis proved effective, since Michael will sleep with anything.

And let's just pause for a minute, because: ew. Credit to Thomas Calabro for barely aging at all in the intervening decade between "Melrose" 1 and the new show, but dude is still literally twice the age of Ashlee Simpson, and watching them make out was disturbing. That was the point, of course, since Violet discovered a note from Sydney implicating Michael in her pre-death emotional spiral, and sought out to destroy his life in return. Her plan was to chug a bunch of energy drinks, show up at his office to complain of heart palpitations, and then thank him by getting him drunk and seducing him, secretly taping the two of them getting it on. Which is exactly what she did, with the delightful added bonus of applying for a nanny position for Michael's toddler son, and threatening to show Michael's new wife the video footage of their indiscretion. HA!

All of these things make Violet at least a Taylor-level crazy, but it's so hard to get past the badness of Simpson's acting. I'd like to say she's getting better, but this week she couldn't even convincingly put back a half-dozen Red Bulls. Seriously.

The third arc was so boring it barely warrants mentioning. Walking Ambien Jonah and Riley are having money problems, and it's starting to affect Jonah's video work. After goofing up a shoot for some douchebag designer, he called Riley to bring him some equipment he left at home. Of course the designer immediately decided that Riley, as a "real woman," was the model he needed to represent his brand of "real denim." Whatever the hell that means. The designer pushed Ella to get Riley to take a week off teaching and model for the line, but Riley balked, because she is lame. After realizing that the $10,000 paycheck could really help Jonah, she took the gig. It's interesting; I loved Jonah and Riley in the pilot, but since then have become so bored by their constant, petty bullshit. The most interesting thing about them in the entire episode - and I am not making this up - was that Jonah brought Riley and peanut butter and pineapple sundae, and I wondered what it would taste like. It is bad television when the most interesting thing about two characters is the food they eat.

All that said, I am enjoying the new "Melrose." Besides Riley (it's mostly Riley, I think Jonah is fine) I like almost all the characters, except for maybe Auggie, who is played by an actor nearly as bad as Simpson. (He sure is pretty, though.) I'm fully in love with Lauren, my beloved Dr. Prostitute, and I'm curious to see how far they take her hooking storyline. Original "Melrose" worked with hookers at least twice, early on when Sydney became a call girl, and later with original hooker-with-a-heart-of-gold Megan. But both of those arcs petered out quickly. I feel like Lauren has already turned more tricks than both of them combined. I appreciate her gusto. (And also, it doesn't hurt that the actress that plays Lauren is one of the sexiest women I have ever seen.) Ella continues to grow on me each week, although I still need to see more depth from her. I don't think the writers know what to do with David just yet, but I don't dislike him. And since they've toned down the over-the-top Sydney flashbacks, I think that whole storyline is a lot less grating.

Speaking of which, a couple theories/wishes: So far we haven't seen any Jonah/Riley interaction with Sydney via flashback. Interestingly, they're the only characters we haven't seen, aside from Lauren, and she's way too busy turning tricks to have bothered with killing Syd. In my wildest dreams I would love for Riley to be revealed as the killer, with some nutso curveball that she's an assassin or something like that. Mind you, that is almost certainly not going to happen, but it's about the only thing I can think of that would redeem that character and that dull storyline.

Secondly, the producers are apparently preparing to ratchet up the drama for the impending return of Heather Locklear (November 17, bitches!), and there is reportedly a major death coming down the pipeline. My suspicion is that it will be Violet, since she's burning through plotlines pretty quickly, and the critics have singled out Simpson as the worst part of an otherwise promising cast. I have to say, I'd be cool with that. If they can amp up the melodrama, bring in some other crazy bitch, and ditch the parts of the cast that aren't working, the show could be great. And did I mention: LOCKLEAR!