Finally! I'd been waiting for last night's episode for literally tens of days, ever since the news broke that Heather Locklear was joining the cast of the CW's new version of "Melrose Place," reprising the role of ball-busting bitch Amanda Woodward, the lead character on the original version of the show back in the 90's. It was exciting, but also worrisome: bringing back Locklear is essentially a Hail Mary pass by the show's producers, since ratings for the show have been bleak thus far. (I read that one of the new episodes got beaten by reruns of the cancelled CW sitcom "The Game" running on BET a few weeks ago. That's rough.) Can the show be saved? Can Heather do it again? Too early to tell, but I did think that last night's episode was solid, and there seemed to be a different energy, a much more old-school "Melrose" vibe. And that can only be a good thing.

The producers brought Amanda back in swiftly and brutally: we found out that Woodward is the "W" in WPK, the PR firm where Ella works. Apparently Amanda has spent the years between original recipe "Melrose" and this spin-off in New York, segueing from advertising to PR. I can believe that. Nothing was mentioned about her faking her death at the end of the original series, but at least she was actually ALIVE at that point, unlike Sydney, so I can work with that too. Amanda stomped through the WPK bullpen in her fabulous heels, right into the office of Ella's hot gay boss, and fired his ass on the spot for incompetence. And then she sat down in his chair and started doling out the orders. That's my girl.

Before we go further, I must address the rhino(plasty) in the room: Locklear's face. You guys, it is bad. Heather Locklear was a sex symbol for two full decades, from the early 80's through the early 00's. She was the bubbly California blonde on "Dynasty," the rock-star girlfriend and wife, the scorching jeans model, and then the TV vixen on "Melrose." She looked incredible up through "Spin City" and even "LAX." In the intervening five years she's had a run of bad luck (the whole Denise Richards/Richie Sambora flap, the DUI, and dating Jack Wagner, which will suck the life out of anyone), and apparently got ill-advised plastic surgery. The bottom half of her face no longer moves. She has those terrifying Joker lips. When she's talking she barely even looks like her old self. It is killing me that a woman that beautiful would do that to her face. You would think that seeing what happened to her "Dynasty" co-star Linda Evans would have frightened her off this path (seriously, have you seen Pagoda Hair lately? Her face looks like a mound of Jell-O), but apparently not. Women of Hollywood: grow old gracefully! Do not let this happen to you!

But once you get past that butchery - and it is hard - her Amanda is exactly as we remember her: smart, calculating, ruthless. It's unclear how long Locklear will stay on the new show (if ratings don't improve substantially that may not even be an issue), but to me it seemed clear that her new role is to be a mentor, the Emperor Palpatine to Ella's Anakin Skywalker. A couple interesting tidbits dropped last night suggested that Amanda has had her eye on Ella for a while, and Amanda even dangled a bit of hot lesbian cougar bait in front of Ella's eyes to test her loyalty (Ella passed, although I'm glad the show acknowledged her bisexuality again). The implication seems to be that Amanda is setting Ella up to be her successor, and that would be just fine with me. Watching the two of them this episode helped clarify my frustration with Ella: she's supposed to be this catty bitch, but in reality, she's kind of a pussy. She flirts with bitchiness, she doesn't commit to bitchery. There's a difference. Amanda Woodward commits to bitchery.

And she wants Ella to, as well. This came to a head with a brilliant ultimatum Amanda gave Ella toward the end of the episode. Most of the action centered around the launch party for that terrible jeans line that schoolteacher Riley was ridiculously selected to model for. The problem is, the "real jeans for real people" pitch isn't as attractive when the "real person" is an entitled Boston princess, so Amanda created a fake bio for Riley that had her surviving parental abandonment, gang violence, and poverty, and explained to Ella that if Riley didn't stick to the script, they were both out of their jobs. Ella did a good job keeping Riley on a leash for most of the party, until a particularly aggressive Vogue reporter got up in Riley's business, and the idiot spilled the whole scam, making everyone involved in the campaign look like the phonies they are. That pleased Amanda not one bit, and she told Ella that if Ella wanted to keep her job, she had to blow the whistle on Riley to her principal, telling him that Riley fraudulently used sick days to work a higher-paying job. (She ignored the fact that a first-grade teacher posed for topless photos that were all over magazines and buses, which I think would also be an issue, but whatever.)

Ultimately Ella refused, disappointing both Amanda and myself. But somebody called the principal, because Riley's ass got fired, sending her and Jonah into a financial death spiral. Good. I hate those two together, and hope that they end up breaking up or selling one another into slavery or something to pay off their debts. Ella immediately suspected Amanda, but it wasn't clear whether she made the call or not. Instead we got a coda in which Amanda came back to her old apartment (even though it looks nothing like her old apartment), which had been taken over by Sydney while she ran the complex. She walked to the back of a closet, pressed a hidden compartment, and opened a safe. Inside she found a note from Sydney, saying she'd "never find it." No idea what the "it" is, and my viewing party buddies found it goofy, but if it means flashbacks with Amanda and Sydney, I'm all for it.

Other stuff happened this episode too: an imprisoned Auggie told David that they were both framed for Sydney's murder, which led David to suspect his father, Michael Mancini, as the culprit. After a scene in which he told Michael's new wife that Michael was banging Syd right up to her death, David broke into Michael's fancy car and found Syd's necklace, covered in blood, stashed in a hidden compartment. I would be deeply disappointed if Michael turned out to be the killer. Not because it's out of character for him -- Michael would kill his own mother if it gave him a boost, and that is why I love him -- but because it would be a lame end to the mystery. Now, if it was Michael's creepy wife who did the killing, I would be just fine with it.

David paid Auggie's bail, which allowed him to return to the complex and get pissed off because everybody totally thinks he's a murderer. Auggie nearly went back to the bottle until crazy Violet came in and sexed him up real good. In other sex news, David continued to put the moves on Dr. Prostitute, going so far as to create a fake autumn scene inside her apartment after she said she missed the seasons of Cincinnati, and he even flew in her favorite chili. (I thought it was cute, my friends thought it was lame.) The two of them got hot and heavy before Lauren put on the brakes, conflicted over her feelings for David and the fact that she's, you know, a filthy hooker. Never change, Dr. Prostitute. Never change. All that said, I was glad we got a little more bed-hopping this episode. Now let's see what we can do about those wailing guitars...

Next: Michael vs. Amanda! That should be fun. And Amanda returns to the complex and shows the newbies how it's done.