Last night the Top 12 girls did a so-so job ushering us into the Season 9 semi-finals. Tonight it was up to the guys. Just about everyone, including Simon, has said that the men are sorely lacking this year (possibly by the producers' design). That was clearly demonstrated this episode. There were several total bombs, and really no performances that knocked my socks off. In truth, I disliked -- sometimes downright hated -- most of the performances AND the performers. This really is a terrible crop of guys.

Todrick Hall was up first. He's a 24-year-old writer, actor, and dancer from Texas. The internet has been abuzz with stories about some grift Todrick allegedly pulled on a bunch of kids, so his reputation is already well on its way to being trashed. He chose "Since U Been Gone" by Kelly Clarkson, and he completely flipped into an r&b Bobby Brown-sounding number, complete with spoken intro. His voice sounded tiny in this song. He had no power, no soul. I actually didn't hate his interpretation as much as I expected to - I appreciated the originality - but I thought his voice was unimpressive. Ellen praised his performance - he did look quite natural on stage - but called out the mess of a chorus. Randy basically hated it, saying that Todrick "completely obliterated" the song, and that he went over the top with the arrangement. Simon thought he came off as a dancer who is trying to be a singer rather than a singer who is a dancer, and that the performance was "verging on stupid." I can't disagree with that.

Aaron Kelly is a 16-year-old high school student from Florida, and he looks different each time I see him. He also has a tendency to forget his lyrics - he did it twice that we saw in Hollywood Week, which I think is totally unacceptable. He picked "Here Comes Goodbye," a Rascal Flatts song. I thought he sounded pretty good for the verse, but once he got to the higher notes in the chorus he got slightly pitchy/squealy. Also, this kid is 16, and he's singing about a woman leaving him? Really? I thought he finished the song nicely, and overall he did better than I expected him to. Simon thought it was good for his first live performance, but also that the kid looked like he was shitting himself on stage. True. Kara praised Aaron's "raw natural talent," and thinks this competition will be great training for him. Ellen loved how sweet and humble the kid is, and was sure he'll be there a while.

Jermaine Sellers is a 27-year-old church singer from Illinois. You may remember Jermaine for throwing the band under the bus after they "messed up" his solo in Hollywood Week. I find Jermaine intensely unlikable. He picked "Get Here" by Oleta Adams. Again, his voice sounded so small - were they having mic problems? I don't think so, since his throaty and breathing sounds were coming through loud and clear. Jermaine does not sound pleasing in his upper register -- it is actually painful to listen him screech out the high notes, and he had a couple real bum ones. It wasn't a disaster, but it also wasn't good. Very lounge singer. Ellen took Jermaine to task for not feeling the song, and thought that he pushed way too hard. Randy mentioned the fact that the piece was so old-fashioned, and thought Jermaine was trying to do too much. Simon said that it sounded like Jermaine was screaming, and he totally blew his opportunity. We can only be so lucky. Afterward, Ryan brought up the Hollywood Week snafu, and Jermaine was clearly annoyed that he was portrayed as a diva. Ryan asked Jermaine if he'd made up with Michael the band leader, and Jermaine's answer was, "Who's Michael?"I love that he says he's not a diva, and he doesn't even know the names of the people who are helping to make him a star. What a jackass.

Tim Urban is 20 years old and from Texas. He's notable for being the last-minute sub after Chris Golightly got yanked from the Top 24 for apparently having a previous recording contract that he may or may not have still been under. Tim is adorable, but thus far his singing has been unimpressive. He picked "Apologize" by One Republic. He started out well enough, but holy cats, his falsetto was TERRIBLE. Like, the worst I have ever heard from a guy on this show. Why would you pick this song if you can't do a falsetto? It's integral to the song. So he alternated between clumsily banging out the verse and eeking out the chorus in this tiny squeak voice. How weird was that? Simon told him that they made the right decision the first time when the cut him in Hollywood. He said the vocal was weak, the performance was stilted (I would add "manic"), and that Tim has got nothing going on. Kara said Tim was totally swallowed by the music. Randy played the wrong-song card, and thankfully mentioned the dreadful falsetto. Ellen said point-blank that Tim will get girl votes because he is basically a human puppy, and Tim flinched a bit at that. Welcome to reality, kid. Tim explained that the song was a last-minute switch, and he picked it because he hoped the people at home would "have fun." How is "Apologize" a fun song? Is this boy as stupid as he appears to be?

Joe Munoz is a 20-year-old student from California, and he was another of the "Who?" contestants for this season. We've seen only a few brief scenes with Joe prior to this stage of the competition, so he has an uphill battle in semis. He selected "You and I Both" by Jason Mraz. Joe's time signature was all over the place; he sped up and slowed down at will. His voice has that goaty quality that drives me crazy with contestants on this show, and the chorus was troublesome, but he got better as the song went along. Alas, I think he needed something more memorable than that - it was ultimately fine, but there was nothing about it that said "star quality." The judges basically all said he was OK - Kara said he was the best vocalist they'd seen at that point - but Simon pointed out the star issue I mentioned. He specifically referred to the performance as "limp and forgettable." Yeah, Joe is probably screwed. On the upside, he seems like one of the few nice guys in a sea full of assholes this year.

Tyler Grady is a 20-year-old college student from Pennsylvania who seems to think he's auditioning for Cream or something. He is perpetually styled in this 60's hippy/stoner thing, and I find him pretentious and annoying. He, of course, picked "American Woman," because he is totally lame. He was yet another guy who started out sounding like they were whispering the lyrics. What was up with that tonight? Tyler's voice is generic karaoke level. His range is severely limited, he has standard frat-boy charm, and he is not as cute as he thinks he is. The vocal was barely there, and his voice actually broke several times when he went for some of the higher notes. Simon called out Tyler for being a walking cliché, and for being predictable. Kara also gave him crap for aping the Jim Morrison playbook. Ellen said he was lacking excitement and charisma, and just posing. HE IS A POSEUR. That's why you've put him through thus far. I don't like the guy, but how do you scold someone for something you have rewarded him for thus far? Randy wrapped it up by saying, "Be an original." I just think it's hilarious that they're saying that to a man who has consistently dressed himself in the hand-me-downs from the cast of "Scooby-Doo."

Lee DeWyze is a 23-year-old paint sales clerk from Illinois. Lee picked "Chasing Cars" by Snow Patrol, and accompanied himself on the guitar. Lee has a really nice, sweet voice when he doesn't push it, but then he forces it and it gets all growly and, frankly, kind of ugly. He also has some substantial pitch problems. But I think there is some genuine talent there, and he has stage presence. Ellen had the exact same issue I had with Lee overdoing the vocal. Randy felt the song was too pop-rock for Lee, and he wanted him to do something heavier, like Kings of Leon. That's a little obvious, no? Wasn't he just telling the women last night to not pick obvious songs? Simon totally disagreed with Randy and said it was the best performance thus far of the night (damning with faint praise), and thought Lee was the most natural singer of the bunch. I agree with Simon and hope that Lee completely ignores every freaking word out of Randy's stupid mouth. For his part, Lee seems like an affable guy, and I hope he sticks around, and conquers those pitch issues.

John Park is a 21-year-old college student from Illinois. He was sexually harassed by Shania Twain in his initial audition, which was one of the few moments we got to see John prior to this. He was very charming in his intro package. He picked "God Bless the Child," and at least the song showed off his impressive range. There were a couple pitch issues, but John has a big, colorful voice - he's probably one of the best male singers in the competition. But never in a million years would I have picked that snoozer of a song for an initial introduction to America. What did he think this song was going to tell us about him? Who is he as an artist? Simon hated it, saying that it came over as flat (I didn't hear that) and that it had zero emotion. He called it "pointless." Kara agreed, saying that there wasn't a connection and that it sounded lounge-y. Randy said that it got better when he got to the bridge and started doing his runs, but Ellen correctly pointed out that "God Bless the Child" isn't going to get teen girls to pick up the phone. John probably got some "aw" votes when he explained that he picked the song in honor of his parents, who are the reason he's here. But still, John: pick better songs.

Mike Lynche is 26 and he's from Florida. I have repeatedly expressed my intense disdain for Mike, who elected to miss his first child's birth to try out for this show, so I won't go into it here again. I also find it hilarious that he's a personal trainer. He picked "This Love" by Maroon 5, and he "played" his guitar, although he didn't really. He just slapped it occasionally and did a strum every few bars. I actually thought Mike did OK on the song - he was mostly on pitch throughout - but his voice is quite nasal and whiny. He seemed to have fun out there and is a natural on stage, and his voice had a lot more range than I expected of him. His ridiculous "O" face at the end, paired with the totally fake guitar flair, tells me that Mike has been practicing this shit in his living room for years and years. Randy and Ellen liked his energy. Kara thought it was an OK performance, but wanted him to challenge himself more. Simon said that he came off as the support act before the main band, and that he delivered very little on that performance. Prompted by Ryan, Ellen said that Mike will do well in this competition, since everybody already loves him after the whole baby thing in Hollywood Week. Um, not everybody: I hate his guts because of it. She advised Mike not to get too cocky, and he immediately demonstrated that it is far too late for that, as he made a vague jokey threat to Simon by showing off his "guns." God, what an asshole.

Alex Lambert is a 19-year-old high school student who took the opportunity to trash his Hollywood Week group member in his video package. That's nice -- almost as nice as his mullet. What a goon. He picked "Wonderful World" by James Morrison. His pitch for the first half of the song was terrible. He looked like he was about to burst into tears throughout the number, and then there were the points where I felt he just wanted to run off the stage. Simon called it the most uncomfortable performance of the night. I'd put it as a tie with Tim Urban. Simon said Alex has a good natural voice (I don't agree - there's not much there), but that his nerves are a huge issue. Kara said she wanted to give him a hug, and she thinks he has great potential. I do not see this potential they all keep talking about. They kept talking and talking about his tone. To me it was one of the least impressive voices of the evening. Ellen mentioned the mullet, and then she compared him to an unripe banana. Why do I suspect we're going to be stuck with this kid for a while this season? Sigh.

Casey James is a 27-year-old musician from Texas. We relived his sexual assault by Kara during his initial audition for the fifth time. He picked "Heaven" and accompanied himself on guitar, and nearly lost it when Kara and Randy started making asses of themselves in the peanut gallery. I wished he would stop grinning like an idiot, but I actually thought he sounded pretty good for most of the song, if not a touch pinched. He also has a lot of vibrato that could stand to be toned down. But he's got a decent voice, a good look, and seemed very natural on the stage. It was definitely one of the more memorable performances of the night, and he will almost certainly make the Top 12. Kara was a babbling idiot; I won't even go there. Ellen at least apologized to the boy for the bullshit of the panel, and pointed out that he'll get buttloads of votes anyway. Simon thought he chose the right song, he came off as likable and sincere, and that it was Casey's best performance to date.

Andrew Garcia is a 24-year-old musician from California, and the best shot for a male winner this season. No surprise that he got the pimp spot this episode. He picked "Sugar We're Going Down" by Fall Out Boy, and performed it acoustically on his guitar. Andrew has a fantastic voice, and sang it really well, but this is not the song I would have picked for him. I thought it worked well in the beginning, but the chorus was clunky. It's just such a start-and-stop song that as soon as you start getting into the rhythm, it switches on you. Simon said he was looking forward to hearing Andrew more than anyone else tonight, but was disappointed. He thought it was too serious and too indulgent, and potentially forgettable. (I don't think it was forgettable.) Kara said he was great, but that this risk didn't pay off for him. Ellen said they wanted to see him open up more. I don't think Andrew has anything to worry about, but this may have been a good lesson for him, and he handled the critique very well. Good on you, Andrew.

Predictions: I liked so few of the performances. If I had to pick, I guess my favorites would be Lee, Casey, and Andrew, although none of them really wowwed me. As for who's in trouble, I hope Jermaine is in danger, Tim certainly deserves to be in the Bottom 2 (but won't be), Joe is probably screwed, Tyler will hopefully be in trouble, John could be in danger due to a shitty song choice, and Alex needs to be put out of our collective miseries. If I had to pick two, I would say it's going to be Joe and Alex, or possibly Jermaine. But really, it's wide open. Can't we send home six of them tomorrow and be done with it?