I knew that last season was the "short cycle," only featuring girls 5'7" or shorter. I did not know that this season was the "tragic cycle," starring almost exclusively unattractive, stank bitches. I know Tyra has made some questionable casting decisions in the past (Cycle 12's Tahlia; ‘nuff said), but she cannot be serious with this crop. Even after the first-episode makeovers, which admittedly did make major improvements on most of the girls, there is not a single one of them that I can see rooting for, much less winning this thing.

Never before has this show seen such a roster of homely bitches. I know that fashion looks for odd, interesting features, but there still has to be SOMETHING pretty there, right? I feel almost cruel watching the majority of these girls clomp around, thinking they have a shot at profesional modeling. However, there is one bright spot out of all that ugly: they may be disasters, but these bitches have lots of entertainment potential. We had several fights in the span of the 90-minute premiere (basically the casting episode plus makeovers; I wonder how they're going to fill next week's edition), and with this much stankness in the house, there's bound to be more. Here are my thoughts on the girls, in alphabetical order. Because god knows I can't rate them in order of potential, since most of them have none.

Alasia: Discount-bin version of Cycle 5's Bre. Alasia initially showed up at casting wearing a wig that made her look 20 years older. She then proceeded to actually fall out when Tyra walked in. This girl is an idiot, and seems to be screaming all the time. She's the type of person who loves to throw God references at you, but who also can't accurately cite the passage of the Bible she's quoting. There's nothing modelesque about her. Even her curly-haired makeover looks like something you'd see on any girl on any street in any city in the world.

Alexandra: Our token plus-sized contestant of the cycle. I actually like Alexandra's girlie tomboy personality, and her body is among the best of the plus-sized girls we've ever had (right up there with C10 winner Whitney). She is what I would call 80's beautiful. I don't think there's anything really edgy or interesting about her, but due to the rest of the losers this time around she's one of the stronger models in the group.

Angelea: Oh, this girl. I knew - I KNEW - when she got the boot at casting for Cycle 12 that we were not rid of her. Her tackiness and desperation know no bounds, and I'm sure she had the producers just salivating over the thought of putting her stank ass in the house. Were this, say, "Bad Girls Club" or one of the "Flavor of Love" shows, that would be fine. But this is supposed to be a modeling competition, and there is nothing - nothing - about Angelea that is modelesque. I will be blunt: this girl is straight-up gutter trash, and she is proud of it. She ditched the tacky acrylics, but she remains actually boastful of her hood-rat attitude, getting into it with at least two of the girls before the episode ended over absolutely nothing. Her features are common, to put it mildly. She contorts her Gollum-like body in the most ridiculous ways. She is the worst, and of course she's from Buffalo. Thanks for making Western New York look terrible, Angelea. HAAAATE!

Anslee: Prior to her makeover Anslee had what I'm going to call "Dust Bowl chic." She had that fried-looking, limply wavy hair, those sunken eyes and cheeks, and an overall look of desperation. Her shorter, brighter new hair helps a lot, but there is nothing fresh about this girl. She looks severe, sad, and roughly 40.

Brenda: Flame-haired Brenda is one of the prettier girls in the competition (not saying much), and her new short haircut immediately took years off her face. But things go south when Brenda smiles. The teeth are not good. They're distracting, in fact, and I hope the show does something to help her on that front. Because she's one of only two girls I can even realistically see having a shot at winning this. She does seem to be a bit of a drip, though.

Gabrielle: I don't know why they cast Gabrielle the same season as Angelea. Gabrielle even pointed out that they're essentially filling the same role. That is, incredibly skinny (read: malnourished) biracial girl with a gigantic chip on her shoulder. Gabrielle does have some of the birdlike features that the fashion industry loves, but I don't think her face takes make-up well, and I can't stand listening to her speak. She just sounds so sullen and stupid. This show has been on for 13 seasons already; don't these girls know that the winner has to sound at least reasonably intelligent?

Jessica: Jessica screams filler to me. Blandly pretty, pageant-ish, naïve. She got knocked up at 16, allegedly the first time she had sex, and the father of her baby was 22 at the time. Pretty sure that's a felony. Jessica could surprise me (she looks so much more striking as a brunette than she ever did as a blonde), but thus far she lacks spark.

Krista: Krista has been trying out for this show since the first season. That may seem like a long time, but considering that Krista has been alive since the Civil War, it's all relative. Seriously, this girl claims to be 24, but I think the numbers got reversed. She looks so matronly; there is nothing soft or fresh about her. The bone structure is good, the skin tone is beautiful, but she just looks OLD. She bitched when her makeover consisted solely of a removable ponytail (removable ponytail!), but it was the only thing that made her look even remotely young and perky. She is also a stank bitch. However, girl has serious taste in clothes.

Naduah: Naduah has one of the most striking looks - her head is totally shaved - and one of the show's more disturbing sob stories: she was born into a religious cult, one that abused her physically, emotionally, and perhaps (it's implied) sexually. If Naduah doesn't make F6 just for that, I'll be surprised. But she also gives great, edgy face and has a banging body. I just don't see her winning a Cover Girl contract, unless the company is coming out with a new base that covers scalp stubble.

Raina: Raina has beautiful individual features. However, none of them work together. It's like someone clipped parts of faces out of magazines - a nose, some eyes, cheek bones - and pasted them all together into a new face, and the result is borderline grotesque. And those eyebrows! She is undeniably interesting looking, but when you look at how everything relates together, it's all very strange. The darker hair color prescribed by Tyra went a long way toward bringing her disparate features together, and I'm very curious to see how she photographs. But I just can't see this one going too far. (She seems incredibly sweet, however.)

Ren: Now this is weird. At the end of casting Tyra informed the semi-finalists that she and the Jays could only agree on 12 finalists. Translation: we just realized we picked ourselves a big ol' pool o' ugly. So she informed the girls that the show had hand-picked the 13th girl, who would be joining them in New York. That would be Ren. Ren is what they call a "plant" in showbiz terms. The show scouted her specifically for the competition. It's easy to see why: she is obviously one of the prettier girls in the mix, and has a wan emo look that would totally work in the fashion world. But she's also one of those insufferable alterna chicks who thinks she's too cool for just about everything, and seemed appalled once she was stuck in the house with the rest of these bitches. I want to see how Ren does in pictures, but I'm already over her over-this vibe.

Simone: Simone is my other pick for a potential winner. She's gorgeous, and I love the edged-out haircut they gave her. The problem comes when she speaks. First, she talks like a valley girl. And second, the tone of her voice is beyond grating. This girl just DRONES. I shudder to think what her inevitable commercial will sound like.

Tatianna: I don't even understand what this girl is doing here. Again, major teeth issues. The face is not strong. Her personality is almost nonexistent. She may surprise me, but after the premiere I thought she was among the most tragic girls of the bunch.

So that's the sorry lot we have to work with. Have all the pretty girls in the country been used up already? Have actual modelesque girls wised up to the fact that almost nobody who wins this show goes on to a successful modeling career? (Jaslene being the notable exception.) I don't know, but instead of looking forward to amazing photos and fierce runway walks, I've resigned myself to look at this cycle as nothing but a drama engine. And with bitches like Angelea, Krista, and Alasia in the house, I don't think there will be any shortage of that.

Next week: nude photo shoot! Someone gets knocked off the runway!