I was whipping up a batch of chocolate-espresso scones at my day job last week when the boyfriend called. And though my hands were slippery with butter, I answered my cell, hoping for some sweet nothings. Instead? Busted!

"I just realized you went to see ‘The A-Team' for fun!"

Uh-oh. My secret shame: Dumb summer action movies. I am helpless when tempted by that uniquely warm-weather fusion of mammoth explosions, clichéd one-liners, and cartoony violence, all brought to life by overpaid celebrities. Maybe it's in reaction to the highbrow art I gorge on for most of the year, or maybe I'm addicted to that heady blend of Sour Patch Kids and air-conditioning. Or maybe it's because action flicks are supposed to be a good time, as long as you don't scrutinize them too closely. Like I'm supposed to do. Um, right now.

This week's shoot-em-up is "Jonah Hex," a steampunky Western based on a bleak serial first published in the early 70's by DC Comics. Set in a South still licking its wounds following the War Between the States, "Jonah Hex" stars Josh Brolin as the title character, a grotesquely disfigured bounty hunter who keeps the world at arm's length as he tracks down criminals for money. Through voiceover, flashback, and boldly drawn animation, we're quickly, if a bit fuzzily, brought up to speed on Hex's past.

A former Confederate soldier, Hex disobeyed an order to murder Yankee civilians, which resulted in the death of a comrade. That soldier's father, Quentin Turnbull (John Malkovich), got his revenge by killing Hex's family, then branding his initials on Hex's face. Hex thought Turnbull dead in the intervening years as he hunted outlaws with a horse sandwiched between two Gatling guns. But guess what? Turnbull ain't dead, and he's hoppin' mad. Now Turnbull is going after the whole Union itself, having commissioned an intricate, large-scale weapon, the odd mechanics of which the movie feels no need to explain to little ol' us, yet somehow blames on Eli Whitney, Jr., inventor of the cotton gin.

With grit and dust fairly flying off the screen, "Jonah Hex" observes as our squinty, Clint-y hero makes shockingly efficient time traveling throughout the South on the trail of Turnbull at the pleading behest of President Grant (looking good, Aidan Quinn!) and for his own vengeful reasons. Hex is helped along by a sly gunsmith (that's Lance Reddick from "The Wire") and the proverbial hooker with a heart of gold (Megan Fox, corsetted down to 18 spleen-crushing inches), as well as the cooperative dead with whom Hex is able to communicate following some Native American healing. Of course, you know what this all means: bullets, fisticuffs, deadpan cracks, and big kabooms, all orchestrated to a sonorous twang-metal score courtesy of Mastodon.

Brolin has a tough task here; Hex is a loner and, quite frankly, a bummer (understandably so), making it a bit difficult for the audience to connect. So co-writers Neveldine & Taylor (the dudes behind the surprisingly successful "Crank" franchise) give us little, relatable touches, like Hex's wit, honor, and conscience. (Also, a stray dog really seems to like him, and you can't fool a dog, except when throwing a tennis ball.) Always fun to watch, Malkovich is his usual hammy-bad-guy self, actually attempting a Dixie drawl, although that could just be the sound he makes with a mouthful of scenery. Truthfully, it's Michael Fassbender - you may recall him as the poised British lieutenant from "Inglourious Basterds" - who stands out here; he plays Turnbull's second, a crazy, moss-toothed Irishman with gusto and magnetism to burn.

But here's the weird thing: Michael Shannon ("Revolutionary Road") is listed in the credits, and he appears for a split-second in one scene, noticeable only if you're looking for him. (I was.) Now, why would anyone hire an Oscar nominee then relegate him to glorified extra? Something clearly went wrong during the editing process. Clocking in at an uncharacteristically sinewy 81 minutes, "Jonah Hex" comes across as a haphazard quilt of colors, styles, and moods, suggesting that director Jimmy Hayward ("Horton Hears A Who") may have gotten in over his head along the way. ("I Am Legend" director Francis Lawrence reportedly helped with reshoots.)

Having said all that, though, "Jonah Hex" is still an engaging summertime diversion, enough to tide action-movie junkies over ‘til their next cinematic fix. But I can quit any time I want, you know, as long as it's strictly from Labor Day to... let's say Easter, just so I don't miss anything too stupid.