A year in which the frontrunners for Oscar's top acting prizes are arthouse darlings Helen Mirren (The Queen) and Forest Whitaker (The Last King of Scotland) probably doesn't require the third annual Daynas, the awards named after me, voted on by me, and customarily designed (by me) to honor those overlooked by the greedy Hollywood machine. But immediately following the malt-liquor-and-Tang-fueled melee that closed out last year's festivities (this isn't over, Cameron Crowe!), I cuddled the bag of frozen peas to my bruised cheekbone and made plans to revisit the naïve simplicity of the inaugural Daynas.

 Sandwiches and chips, carrot sticks and Oreos, all chased by ice-cold milk: the invited stars found the menu so "whimsical" and "retro" that I toyed with the idea of a mid-ceremony nap in order to ratchet up the innocence (plus the tax on gift bags made everyone totally cranky). But I trust erratic artistes about as far as I can throw cake underwater, so I made sure to personally nibble off all the corners on the sharper snacks just in case Scarlett Johansson decided to gut me with a Dorito.

Why would she want to, you hopefully wonder? Read on, and forgive the absence of a catchy theme song: It's the Daynas!

Best Picture: Brick

The first and only word that tumbles from my lips whenever I'm asked about my favorite movie of 2006. Many were turned off by the notion of high schoolers fluent in Chandlerisms and Hammett-ese, but I was blown away by Brick's noir-drenched wit and style, and I am very ready to see what filmmaker Rian Johnson does next.

Best Director: Michel Gondry, Dave Chappelle's Block Party/The Science of Sleep

Eastwood wasn't the only director with two quality flicks in theaters last year. Gondry wisely allowed Dave Chappelle to put his own dynamic stamp on their rousing Block Party, perhaps because he had the exquisite Science of Sleep waiting in the wings, arguably the Gondriest film ever made.

Best Foreign Language Film: 13 Tzameti

Georgian filmmaker Géla Babluani's audacious debut is a lushly shot exercise in true suspense, and the less said about the shocking plot, the better. It deserves a spot in your Netflix queue.

Best Dead Language Film: Apocalypto

Brutal, beautiful, and stirring. And I dug it the first time I saw it, too, but I distinctly remember it being called Braveheart.

"The Sum of Its Parts" Award: The Proposition

No single performances thrilled me this year, but the entire cast of this Nick Cave-penned Western turned in outstanding work. Ray Winstone, Guy Pearce, Danny Huston, Emily Watson, and John Hurt: all consummate character actors, each playing off the other in an intensely electrifying way.

Most Derivative Swill: The Boondock Saints

This ultra-sadistic 1999 crime flick had a theatrical run in 2006, so I feel justified in trashing the wholly contrived drivel that the hipsters have embraced. Willem Dafoe's obnoxious portrayal of a gay detective should have had GLAAD up in arms. I always blame Tarantino, but I'm still looking mighty forward to his upcoming Grindhouse.

Most Exhausting Action Sequence: The Protector

The next time you're at, say, the Guggenheim in NYC, imagine making your way up that spiral thingy and mopping the floor with everyone you meet until you reach the top. That's what martial artist Tony Jaa did at the villain's lair during one astonishingly unbroken shot in an otherwise dumb movie.

Most Unnecessary Yet Welcome Sequels: Clerks 2/Jackass 2

Sophomoric? Truly. Offensive? Maybe. Funny? Hell, yes. Kevin Smith redeems himself by bringing it all back home, while Johnny Knoxville and his goon squad live to defy death, nausea, and castration one more day.

The "Lipstick on a Pig" Award: Marie Antoinette

Sumptuous visuals, but the rest of it is bollocks. The French apparently jeered it at Cannes, but the movie's supporters tried to pull a Smithers and claim the French were actually saying "Boo-urns."

Cruelest Ending: Pirates of the Caribbean 2: Dead Man's Chest

Yeah, it was way too long, but "clomp, clomp, clomp" went the boots, up panned the camera, and "slam!" went the end credits. Is it May 25 yet? Oh. How about now?

The Keira Knightley Award for Overexposure: Scarlett Johansson

Johansson hogged Rochester screens in 2006 with two Woody Allen movies (Match Point and Scoop), one Brian DePalma movie (The Black Dahlia), and one Christopher Nolan movie (The Prestige), despite the fact that her emotional range runs all the way from A to B. America truly is the Land of Opportunity, if you're young and stacked.

Speaking of which, I'm off! Enjoy the Academy Awards on Sunday, even though an Oscar is not made out of dark chocolate like a Dayna is.