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Imagine this: your partner of 30 years, the person you've devoted your life to, and who has devoted his or her life to you, falls ill and is admitted to the hospital. You go to visit, but your partner's family won't let you in the room. Then you learn you have no legal right to be there.

For many long-term, committed same-sex couples, that's a scenario that's all too familiar. It's also one that would be rendered moot if they were allowed to marry.

Marriage is dominating the national discussion about gay rights, and for good reason. For the majority of Americans it's a basic, guaranteed civil right. With it comes a wide range of benefits, most notably the legally concrete next-of-kin relationship. That's what would guarantee the right to visit an ill spouse in a hospital or nursing home. But it's just one of more than 1,300 other state rights attached to marriage.

Legalizing gay marriage "would create a ripple effect that would protect gay and lesbian people incredibly," says Tom Privitere, vice president of the local Pride at Work chapter. The labor organization, part of union giant AFL-CIO, advocates for gay workers.

The fact that same-sex marriage is even being openly discussed in this country is a sign of how much progress has been made in the area of gay rights, especially in the last decade, say some advocates. But change has been incremental, and an advance in one area is often followed by a setback in another. And even if New York passes marriage equality laws - or, better yet, if it's done at the national level - it's not the be-all-end-all of gay rights.

"The marriage equality piece has been placed out there as this brass ring that, once we achieve that, everything else will be fine," says Scott Fearing, program director for the Gay Alliance of the Genesee Valley. "The reality is, there are some of these basic things of equal access that aren't there, and even if we were to get marriage, those problems wouldn't go away. So it's still very multi-tiered."

Gay rights in Rochester

The Rochester area has seen its fair share of progress when it comes to recognizing same-sex couples. The area's major employers - Kodak, University of Rochester, Xerox, and Bausch and Lomb - all offer domestic partner benefits to established, committed same-sex couples that live together. The same is true for the city of Rochester, the Rochester School District, and the town of Brighton.

Domestic partner benefits are about the best an employer can do right now, until the state changes its marriage laws. The arrangement is not ideal: while the benefit allows an employee to put his or her partner on the company health plan, the company's contribution is taxed. That's not the case when a traditional spouse is added.

"We call it the gay tax," Privitere says.

There is a way for same-sex partners to get married and then have it recognized in New York, and the Rochester area can thank one of its own for that. Patricia Martinez asked her employer, Monroe Community College, to recognize her marriage to Lisa Ann Golden so that they could get joint health insurance - the couple was married in Canada in 2004, and Martinez applied for the benefits shortly after.

The college denied the request on the basis that the state doesn't recognize same-sex marriages. So  Martinez sued Monroe County (MCC employees are technically county employees), and in February prevailed in an appeals court. In the meantime, the college began to offer employees domestic partner benefits.

But the court's ruling had a broader impact: as part of the decision, a panel of judges ruled that same-sex marriages performed legally out-of-state must be recognized. It's not the ultimate goal of marriage equality, say advocates, but it's a start.

"Companies and school districts are dragging their feet and saying, ‘We're not sure if we really have to recognize your marriage,'" says Christopher Hinesley, executive director of the Gay Alliance of the Genesee Valley. "What we need is legislation in that case, so it's very clear, rather than just a court precedent."

The county hasn't exhausted its appeals on the case, but for the time being has no plans to pursue the matter further, says county spokesman Noah Lebowitz. So for now, that ruling stands.

New York's state of mind

Marriage equality advocates saw a partial victory at the state level last year, when the Democrat-controlled Assembly passed a same-sex marriage bill. That's a step closer to having marriage equality laws, but the Republican-controlled Senate also needs to approve the bill. Senate leaders are resistant to recognizing same-sex marriage, and the legislation has never made it to the floor for a vote.

That's why many gay-rights advocates hope to see the Senate flip Democratic in this year's elections, especially with David Paterson now serving as governor. Paterson is viewed as an ally by the gay community. He supports a variety of civil rights for gay people, and has vowed to sign marriage equality legislation if the Legislature passes it. Based on the Martinez case ruling, he's told state departments to recognize same-sex couples legally married out-of-state - though the Alliance Defense Fund, a conservative legal group, is suing over that order.

"We can almost taste it," Pride at Work's Privitere says of marriage.

Over the past decade or so, the state has also passed laws or enacted policies affording rights to domestic partners, such as the ability to take out life insurance on a partner, or allowing second-parent adoption (the adoption of a partner's child). But domestic partnerships, or even civil unions that allow for spousal benefits, are still no substitute for marriage.

"If you start calling it something other than marriage, then what happens is you get into this pissing contest with people about whether or not you are really married," Privitere says. And that can cause everything from awkward party conversations to the denial of benefits when a partner dies.

One of the biggest civil-rights successes in New York was the passage of the Sexual Orientation Non-Discrimination Act in 2003. The legislation essentially added sexual orientation into the state's anti-discrimination laws, regarding issues like employment, housing, and healthcare, treating the issue the same as race or religion.

At the same time, language protecting individuals based on gender identity and expression - basically the way people express masculinity and  femininity -  was stripped out of the legislation. There's been an effort to add that into anti-discrimination laws, but again the Assembly passed the law and the Senate resisted. The same problem has plagued legislation that would include sexual orientation and gender identity in school anti-bullying laws.

A nation divided

The national level is where a complex set of issues gets even more complex. There's been good news, like a California Supreme Court decision allowing same-sex marriages in the state. But then there's the bad news: in November California, Arizona, and Florida voters will decide whether to amend their state constitutions to ban same-sex marriages. Florida and Arizona already have laws outlawing it, so California has the most to lose. Its state ACLU chapter remains unsure of how the ballot measure would affect existing marriages if it passes.

Federal laws recognizing same-sex marriage will be harder to realize. Neither major party presidential candidate supports same-sex marriage equality. The Defense of Marriage Act, passed in 1996 and signed into law by then-President Bill Clinton, defines marriage, for federal purposes, as a union between a man and a woman.

Currently, the only other state besides California that allows same-sex marriages is Massachusetts, and it has a residency requirement. Other states - Vermont, Connecticut, New Hampshire, New Jersey, and Oregon - allow state-level spousal rights in the form of civil unions or domestic partnerships. Same-sex marriage is prohibited in most states.

 Many states still lack anti-discrimination laws protecting individuals on the basis of sexual orientation or gender identity and expression. Those categories aren't included in federal employment anti-discrimination laws, either. Nor are they included in federal hate crimes laws. In both cases, legislation has been introduced in Congress to change that, but none of it has passed both houses.

Gay rights advocates are also pushing for a repeal of Don't Ask, Don't Tell, the 1993 military policy that prevents gays and lesbians from openly serving. The Servicemembers Legal Defense Network, an organization devoted to overturning Don't Ask, Don't Tell, calls it "the only law that makes it illegal to come out."

Education needs to be applied across the board, says Hinesley. A large part of the struggle for civil rights for gay people involves telling individual stories and trying to win over the public's hearts and minds, say gay rights advocates (see sidebar). It's about getting political leaders and ordinary citizens to look past sexuality to see the people. It's about getting them to understand what marriage provides that civil unions and domestic partnerships don't. It's about explaining that when someone is attacked because he or she is gay, it terrorizes the entire community. It's about getting personal.

Ultimately, advocates say, the goal is not special treatment. It's just to be treated like everyone else. "If our community is safe for populations that aren't in the majority, then it's safer for everyone. It impacts the majority in a positive way," says Hinesley. 

Marriage ambassadors: getting personal

It was a funeral that showed Bess Watts and Anne Tischer just how unequal their relationship was in the eyes of an employer - and the law.

Tischer's mother had just died, and Watts, a Monroe Community College employee, wanted time off to go to the funeral. She had to take a vacation day, not sick time or bereavement leave, even though Tischer is her spouse. The couple married first in Washington Square Park in 2004 - though it wasn't legal - then legally in Canada in 2006.

"It's just the social justice aspect of it. Having that mirror placed in front of your face that you are not equal, you can't have your relationship recognized," Watts says.

The couple gradually moved into activism. Watts and Tischer went to rallies and town hall meetings, and started working with Todd Plank, one of Rochester's most well known LGBT activists. It wasn't long before Watts and Tischer were training to help promote marriage equality.

Tischer and Watts are, through Empire State Pride Agenda, active Marriage Ambassadors. There are about 300 ambassadors across New York, Plank says. In Rochester, 20 to 25 people attend the monthly meetings; the area has some of the highest training numbers outside of New York City. The training "has given people the skills and the confidence to know how to talk about the issue," says Plank, a regional organizer for Empire State Pride Agenda.

The Marriage Ambassador concept is a simple one. To build support for same-sex marriage equality, ambassadors talk about why it's needed, and they do so at a personal level. Their audience is anyone who will listen, whether it's an acquaintance or a stranger in the post office. And it also involves talking to people in the LGBT community to make sure they know the intricacies of the issue.

"The civil rights movement is one-on-one personal. You have to get down to that level where you are actually changing the way an individual thinks," Tischer says.

Case in point: Tischer lugs a cardboard display to an interview at Equal Grounds on South Avenue. On it are the couple's personal legal documents - about 15 of them representing $1,400 in legal fees. There are living wills and property agreements, powers of attorney, and health care proxies - things that would be covered were their marriage recognized by the law. And the documents cover only a small fraction of the 1,324 rights and benefits bestowed on married couples in New York. (Under a state court ruling, the couple's Canadian marriage should now be considered valid in New York.)

"This is what it takes to let people know," Tischer says.

Watts and Tischer have their stories, but they share others as well. They talk about a friend who couldn't claim her partner's remains after she died. They were together for 29 years and she had to have her partner's nephew sign the paperwork.

The value of the personal stories can't be underestimated. And with two states, Canada, and other countries conducting same-sex marriages, the issue is gaining momentum.

"For a lot of people, they never imagined that we'd be having this conversation about marriage right now. And the fact is we are," Plank says. And people like Tischer and Watts, who willingly share their stories, will only help advance the cause, he says.