Hello, my name is Larry 

I am a man of few bad habits, but those that I do have I practice with zeal. Acquaintances may describe me as stunningly damaged. I am a home. I mean I own a home. It is full of my possessions, tables and chairs and the like. I avoid other things. I have a picture window overlooking a yard that I own and all the grass on it. It is like my neighbor's but we are different: both greenish brown to brownish green though. I am four sport coats with matching slacks and two nice suits. There are shoes that I own. Most contain leather and laces. I had a bicycle once, but now own none. A Mazda. I own a Mazda that is paid for. It takes regular gas and regular gas is what I give it. In my wallet are money, a button, two credit cards, a spare house key, a driver's license, and business cards that I am handed that are mine now. I make coffee, but seldom cake. I eat cake, but buy it in the store with other bread, meat, fish, dairy, fruit, and pasta in the grocery aisles. I take them home to my cupboards until I am ready for eating. That is usually three times a day depending on the cake. Maybe four with cake. I am overweight. My wife is a shoe store manager who lives with my brother-in-law's best friend now and even though it didn't work out I am not angry with her. I am smiling inside. I see who I please now which is better than you may think. I imagine it will start soon. I will buy her flowers and a card, my new girlfriend, to show how deeply I care. "Relationships are everything," it will say, and I will mean every word of it. I will clear some space in my closets and then ask her to place some clothing there depending on which season it is at the time. We will buy flowers together and plant them on Sunday after breakfast. Neighbors will walk by with appreciative smiles. Lare. She will brush my ankle and call me Lare. I will sigh and call her by her name but shortened also. Months will pass and when we are ready I will show her my ceramic duck collection and ask her to marry me. What a happy day that will be. She will take my name and we will live together in my house for many years to come. Our doormat will say Welcome All.