I watch those NFL pre- and post-game programs. Fox's James Brown, Terry Bradshaw, Howie Long, and Jimmy Johnson are so much fun. They yuk it up, act goofy, and then they joke about each other's shortcomings, particularly Bradshaw's perceived mental deficiencies.
I wish those guys were my friends. We'd have so many laughs together, just busting on each other and stuff. And then I wish Jillian Barberie told me about the weather. She puts WROC's Scott Hetsko to shame.
But I really like when J.B. leads that little rapid-fire segment with the guys. I love it so much. Sometimes I even do my own little rapid-fire segment and I pretend we're all sitting on the couch together.
James Brown: "Mike, 20 seconds: Does Syracuse fire football coach Paul Pasqualoni?"
Me: "A lot of people think that win over Boston College last weekend might have saved his job. But I say that with athletic director Jake Crouthamel retiring in June, it doesn't look good for Coach P. Crouthamel, who's 66, is retiring after 26 years. It's suspected that he's stepping down partly because he's unwilling to fire Pasqualoni. With that pillar of support about to fall, Pasqualoni's tenure at Syracuse is up, like the clouds in the sky."
Terry Bradshaw: "Are those cumulonimbus clouds?"
Howie Long: "Terry, you don't know cumulonimbus from cucumbers."
Terry Bradshaw: "I do too."
Howie Long: "Someone wrote that for you. I want to know if you know cumulonimbus personally."
Terry Bradshaw: "I've never met her in my life."
James Brown: "Mike, 20 seconds: Are the Bills turning the corner?"
Me: "I'm surprised that they're actually playing very well. I didn't expect them to beat St. Louis. I never thought they'd go to Seattle and win all the way across the country. They usually stink on West Coast trips. They're getting better. Earlier this year, I said that it was going to be a long season and fans should expect the worst, especially when Drew Bledsoe drops back to pass during obvious passing situations. But they're learning. I'm impressed with Mike Mularkey. They're not going to make the playoffs, but he's made his team play better. Plus, he just beat two geniuses, Mike Holmgren and Mike Martz, two weeks in a row."
Jimmy Johnson: "Genius-beating aside, Mike needs a better hairstyle."
Terry Bradshaw: "He needs a hairstyle like mine!"
Howie Long: "He might have one like yours in a few years!"
James Brown: "Mike, 20 seconds: What can be done with some of the bestial behavior we've seen in sports lately?"
Terry Bradshaw: "Bestial? You mean bestiality?"
Howie Long: "You would know bestiality. Geez, those folks from Louisiana."
Me: "Well, I'm willing to soften my stance a bit. Last week, I suggested we burn people at the stake."
Terry Bradshaw: "I don't like my steak burnt."
Howie Long: "Maybe we should burn Terry at the stake. Bestiality's not normal."
Me: "Hahahahahahahaha... ha hahaha... ha... ha... ha. Um, yes, well, in cricket, there are often breaks for tea. So if things get out of control, I don't see why an NBA ref can't get on the mic and tell the crowd, 'Hey, somebody just dumped a beer on Ron Artest. We're gonna go for tea. See you in an hour.'"
Howie Long: "That's ludicrous."
Terry Bradshaw: "I like the Ludacris: 'Hos... I've got hos... in different area codes... area codes.'"
Howie Long: "J.B., can he sing that? I smell Michael Powell and the FCC all over this."
Terry Bradshaw: "Hey, they can't get me. You can't even see my nipples. Can you see my nipples? Are my nipples showing?"
Me: "Well, listen, about cricket: I just read an Australian newspaper columnist who said that only a society such as England, a country that functions perfectly well without a written constitution, could have created it. Basically, he says the sport has flourished under 'gentlemen's rules.' It's an interesting observation. Perhaps, then, this is our only hope for removing bestial behavior. As the US Constitution withers into nothing, maybe our sports will one day flourish under gentlemen's rules, as cricket has flourished partly due to sensible English society."
Terry Bradshaw: "Huh?"
Howie Long: "Huh?"
Jimmy Johnson: "Huh?"
James Brown: "Huh?"
Me: "I was making a ridiculous analogy for the sake of humor. Oh, just forget it."