Entertainment Blog

On last night's "Drag Race," I got to hear eliminated Sasha Belle say "I overthunk my strategy" again which made me even happier that she was gone. Before sashaying away in last week's episode, Ms. Belle wrote "Ginj for the win" on the mirror, causing Kennedy Davenport to mutter, "Opinions are like assholes, everybody has one." Katya was up on the chopping block last week and vowed that she was going to murder the next challenge.

There is a clear divide this season between the older and younger queens with some of the older queens accusing the younger ones of not knowing anything about performing and "not wearing panties" (Violet).

In a *gag* moment from last night's episode, Jaidynn Fierce was complaining about her feet after a long day of performing in heels, to which Kennedy responded "You gotta pop them corns so them kids can eat." NO. ABSOLUTELY NOT.

Is it time for this week's mini challenge so I can stop thinking about popped corns? What is that beeping sound? Oh, it's just RuPaul on a Jazzy. This made my night (read: life). The challenge for this week is for the ladies to release their inner Golden Girls and perform in an old fashioned Soul Train dance line. It's time to "sissy that walker," ladies.

This challenge was hilarious. Mrs. Kasha Davis was rubbing her droopy chest on the pit crew, Pearl went full Elaine Stritch, and Jasmine Masters somehow found a loaf of bread to dance down the line with. The two winners of the challenge were Max and Kennedy Davenport. For the first two episodes of Drag Race, I was not a fan of Max -- I found her irritating, and that accent she was doing was tired. She's lost some of the accent and I'm slowly getting on the Max train.  

Another team challenge was on the docket for the night's episode: this time the ladies would be performing ShakesQueer -- drag interpretations of Shakespeare's most famous plays. Did you know that it's argued the word drag was first used by Shakespeare as an acronym for "dressed as a girl"? I did not. I had an "A-Ha!" moment, #Oprah. The plays that the ladies would be performing in were "Romy and Juliet" and "MacBitch."

Because of their win, Max and Kennedy got to pick teams:

Team Max - Ginger, Trixie, Kasha, Jaidynn, Miss Fame

Team Kennedy - Jasmine, Katia, Pearl, Kandy, Violet (last picked AGAIN)

After finding out that the category for the runway challenge will be "bearded and beautiful," the ladies broke into their teams to assign roles for the ShakesQueer challenge. Kennedy assigned the role of MacBitch to Jasmine, but then changed her mind halfway through the challenge, assigning Jasmine the "ghetto" role and giving MacBitch to Violet. It's time for rehearsals.

Each team ran through a rehearsal performance for RuPaul and Michelle Visage. These rehearsals were A HOT MESS. Jaidynn was totally nervous and couldn't remember her lines -- and then Jaidynn is SOBBING. She gets a pep talk from Max and pulls it together. There wasn't any crying during Team Kennedy's rehearsal, but there should have been. When RuPaul whispers "What is happening?" to Michelle Visage, we all feel her. Ru tells the team that in seven seasons of Drag Race she has never seen a car crash like this before.

It's time for the runway challenge. The guest judges for this episode were Kat Dennings (Two Broke Girls) and Mel B (Spice Girls). RuPaul announces "may the best bearded woman win" and they are off.

This challenge was fun to watch, with Max, Trixie, Katya, Violet and Pearl (in paper mache devil beard) as the standouts.  But then there was Kennedy who looked like she had glued hair from a nether region onto her face, and Jasmine, who literally just airbrushed a beard on -- no hair.

It was time for ShakesQueer. Team Max kills "Romy and Juliet" and even ends with a tribute to Heathers - "Teenage Suicide, don't do it!" I loved it. Team Kennedy -- oh, Team Kennedy -- it was bad, it was really bad. Team Max is safe and their team leader wins the challenge, and some latex! And all of Team Kennedy is up for elimination and Ru is NOT happy. The one lighter moment came when Michelle Visage praised Kandy Ho for changing her contouring -- but she took the beard away for the beard challenge! Kandy Ho, Katya, Violet and Pearl were safe, but Jasmine and Kennedy had to lip syncing for their lives to "I Was Gonna Cancel" by Kylie Minogue.

Jasmine had some interesting moves -- it kind of reminded me of the dancing one would see at Oktoberfest: lots of squatting and kicking.  But ultimately Kennedy stayed and Jasmine sashayed away.

Next week the queens will be creating their own music videos.  

Last night's episode picked up right after Tempest DuJour's elimination. Was Kandy Ho' nervous during the lip-sync? "No, because I knew I was gonna beat her." Ms. Ho' sure has a lot of confidence for someone that was in the bottom two on the first episode and still hasn't figured out how to get her make-up right.

"I hate Michelle Visage." WHAT? Who said that? Violet Chachki. Listen, I know she's only 22 and I should not judge her on the immature and asinine things that she says, but to quote Rosie Perez from the movie "Untamed Heart," Violet Chachki "is like sand in my underwear." Annoying.

If you watched "Untucked" last week, Pearl and Sasha got into it more than they showed on last night's episode -- after Sasha said that Pearl should be eliminated on the first episode. Sasha claims it was strategy that made her say it because Pearl is one of her biggest competitors. Pearl, what do you think? "I'm pretty and [Sasha] looks like John Goodman in a wig."

Time for the first challenge --RuPaul introduces a very special guest -- and it's Moby. *Cricket noises* What? Why? Even he looks confused as to why he is there. The queens have 15 minutes to get into drag and then serve face while being blasted with a leaf blower. I'm not gonna lie: This challenge was nightmare fuel for me. You can go to the Drag Race website and see the gifs from last night -- but I wouldn't recommend it before bed. Ginger and Trixie were the winners and got to pick teams and assign roles for the runway challenge.

Team Ginger: Kasha, Jaidynn, Kandy, Kennedy, Jasmine, Sasha

Team Trixie:Pearl, Miss Fame, Max, Violet, Katya

The queens had to learn and perform a "lipsyncapalooza" -- a combination of spoken word and song for the runway challenge. Immediately, trouble was brewing on Team Trixie because of É Violet, duh. This may have been my favorite quote of the night from her: "I'm not, not a dancer, but I'm not a dancer." *Record scratch* What?

Rehearsals were led by choreographer, Jamal Sims. Is he handsome, Ginger? "I'm about to flood my basement, 'cause that's a good lookin' man." I think that's a yes.

Both teams were struggling with choreography in rehearsals: Team Ginger's Jaidynn claimed a knee injury was affecting her skills, while over on Team Trixie, Katya was freaking out over learning her monologue and Miss Fame's hips were the issue. Sims called her out on having "no rhythm, no musicality." Miss Fame's troubles did not stop there -- behind the scenes the other queens were calling her out on her lack of performing skills and her reliance on just her looks. Is it time for an upsetting backstory? I think it is.

Sadly, Miss Fame's grandfather was murdered when she was 17 and she decided to share some old family photos with a few of the other girls. Shockingly, Violet was actually sympathetic and understanding to Miss Fame -- is the cattiness just a front for insecurity for Violet Chachki? "I have the smallest waist in Drag Race history." Nevermind.

It's time for the runway show -- Glamazonian Airways. Guest judges this week were Jordin Sparks and Olivia Newton-John. Team Trixie went first and opened with Katya's monologue which did NOT go well. Was she just saying "watermelon" over and over again? Trixie, however, nailed her part. Team Ginger came out like a storm: the lip-syncing was on point, the choreography struggles had been overcome and Kasha Davis scatted with the best of them and gave FACE. The team's only issue was a weird wig mishap with Sasha that will definitely be brought up come elimination time.

The runway look for the elimination was "jet set eleganza." Instead of being judged as teams, the queens were judged individually on the challenge.Violet, Kasha, Ginger, Sasha, Katya, and Miss Fame were all left after the rest of the queens were deemed safe. Katya was called out for not knowing any of the words to her monologue (not surprising). Miss Fame was criticized for her stiff choreography and was told that she needed to loosen up. Michelle Visage gave Ginger Minj's jet set outfit a "meh," but Ginger defended it well. Michelle was not a fan of Kasha's look -- but Olivia thought her performance was great. Sasha was singled out for the wig mishap and her schlumpy dress. Michelle was waiting for the clown to come out in Violet -- she sees potential in her.

Ginger Minj was the winner -- Carson didn't know what minj was but now he loves the minj. Sasha and Katya are lip-syncing for their lives to Olivia Newton-John's "Twist of Fate." Katya immediately breaks out into a SPLIT on the runway and it's obvious who the winner is going to be. Sasha's strategy seemed to just be rolling around on the floor -- my friend and I were literally screaming "Get off the floor!" at the TV. Katya stays, Sasha sashays away.

This week's episode really showcased those that are going to be strong competitors for this season (like Ginger and Trixie) and those that are going to have to step up their game (Miss Fame, Katya).

Next week, the queens compete in "Hashtag Shakesqueer."

Start your engines -- "RuPaul's Drag Race" is FINALLY back for its seventh season. And to quote Mother Ru herself, this is "the most raggedy season yet."

Mrs. Kasha Davis joins the "Drag Race" this season, making her the third queen from Rochester to make it on the show. There must be something in the water here -- or the wine. What better place to watch the season premiere then with Mrs. Davis at the Bachelor's Forum -- which is exactly what I did on Monday night for the season premiere. Time to recap the whirlwind that was last night's premiere.

Let's start with the roster for this season:

Ginger Minj (29, Orlando) -- An "overweight, asthmatic, chain-smoking, cross-dresser from Orlando, Florida." I love her: "GLAMOUR TOAD."

Jaidynn Diore Fierce (25, Nashville) -- Is she fierce, though? "Capital F-I-E-R-C-E, because I am what? Fierce." Okay, definitely fierce. Her reaction faces are everything.

Jasmine Masters (37, Los Angeles) -- SIX-PACK REALNESS.  She called Atlanta "Hotlanta" to which Violet responded "No one calls it that." Yes they do, Violet. Yes they do.

Kandy Ho' (28, Puerto Rico) -- The first question she asked Tempest Dujour was how old she was. SHADE. She got hers later on when the judges told her she looked like she contoured a beard onto her face.

Katya (32, Boston) -- "Your average, run-of-the-mill, Russian, transvestite, hooker." Got it.

Kennedy Davenport (33, Dallas) -- Oprah realness.

Max (22, Wisconsin) -- Kitchy, Hollywood glamour. Kind of reminds me of Tammie Brown from Season 1 -- minus the cray.

Miss Fame (29, New York City) -- "Classic, chic, fashion model" -- threw the first shade of the season when she offered tips on how to make your face not shiny using Max's newspaper.

Mrs. Kasha Davis (43, Rochester) -- International, celebrity housewife from ROCHESTER. Was that a Hot Rod Betties dress, she was wearing?

Pearl (23, Brooklyn) -- "Robotic, Stepford wife, bitch." Black chin strap?

Sasha Belle (28, Iowa City) -- Feels like she's going to win Drag Race because she's watched a lot of Drag Race. Mmmm...OK.

Tempest DuJour (46, Tuscon) - She walked in and immediately gave birth to a plastic baby doll. What does it say about me that this is no longer shocking?

Trixie Mattel (24, Milwaukee) -- Over-the-top Barbie make-up. Kitsch.

Violet Chachki (22, Atlanta) -- "I'm very visually appealing." "I don't have any fat to push together." Okay, Violet, we get it.

The show's first challenge was Fashion Week-inspired: each queen needed to debut a spring and fall look on the runway. There were pants, there were no pants (Jaidynn), and there was fur for all seasons. Violet Chachki's 2-for-1 dress was the winning look -- I'm not warming up to her yet, but that dress definitely had the wow factor.

The queens aren't the only new faces this season: Santino Rice is out and Ru has brought in Carson Kressley ("Queer Eye for the Straight Guy") and Ross Mathews ("Chelsea Lately," and commentary for various E! "specials"). Kathy Griffin and her extensions were the extra special judges.

The night's second challenge was to create a nude-illusion look, because "we're born naked, the rest is just drag." Some nipples were askew, some black bras were showing, but for the most part, the ladies brought it.

Jasmine Master's hula hoop tent creation did not leave her in the final two, but it almost did. Kandy Ho's contoured beard and Tempest DuJour's baggy nude illusion went up against one another when it came time to lip sync for your life. Ho's moves beat out DuJour's weird, flailing, arm dancing and DuJour had to sashay away. Bye, DuJour.

Next week: We'll hopefully get to know these ladies a little bit better in Glamazonian Airways.

I think we can all agree that this one falls under the “Whimper” category, not “Bang,” right?

I have actually been digging the laid-back, ongoing-wake feeling of the second half of this last season. I thought it was bold in its own way, and I enjoyed much of the character work it entailed. But I suppose I was expecting something more from the series finale -- something shocking, some water-cooler moment, like this show used to serve up on a weekly basis. But instead we got a very slow episode with only one true sequence of note. It all felt very much like “settling” to me. Or, I guess if we’re talking the stages of grief, “acceptance.” Which is fitting for a show that was so defined by death. But not terribly interesting or fun to watch.

Last episode’s cliffhanger -- the Yakuza were on their way to kill Sookie because she knew about Sarah Newlin and the Hep V cure -- was handled in roughly 10 minutes. Eric did what should have been done about four episodes back: he dispatched Mr. Gus and his assassins by, you know, using the vampire powers he has had for literally 1000 years. The Yakuza were totally throwaway villains. They were never a credible threat to the vampires (which made it so infuriating when Pam kept being taken hostage by them) and they had no real power position. At least we did get to see a blood-spattered Eric Northman grooving out behind the steering wheel of a kick-ass sports car.

The larger arc for the episode was, predictably, Sookie and Bill. As promised last episode, Bill came to call on Sookie to explain his rationale for rejecting the cure. And it really did make sense. He had lived his life, and his prolonged existence was unnatural, and detrimental to the woman he loves. So, noble. Good on Vampire Bill for being a Southern gentleman right to the end. Except, problem: he didn’t just want to die. He wanted Sookie to kill him using her magic one-time fairy bomb, which would also wipe out her fairy powers, leaving her free of vampires forever.

That was a Class-A dick move on Bill’s part. Not only is it messed up to ask someone else to assist you in your suicide. But he wanted her to do so in a way that would fundamentally change her entire life and -- forgive me, this is going to sound terrible -- ruin her for all other vampires. You can argue that he was only trying to give Sookie a normal life, something she’s always wanted. But you can also make a pretty strong case that this was Bill trying to control Sookie to the bitter end, and make sure no other vampire called her "mine." All those likability points he had racked up over the course of this last season? Gone now.

And then Bill went into a likability deficit when he more or less coerced Hoyt and Jessica into a shotgun wedding (the shotgun is loaded with wooden bullets, naturally) so that he could walk a daughter down the aisle before he died. The two of them reunited the DAY BEFORE and he started talking marriage because he was about to die. You are terrible, Bill! Terrible! But Hoyt and Jessica went through it in a wedding scene that seemed to go on forever, but which elicited absolutely no emotion from me. Seriously, I’m very invested in the Hoyt/Jessica relationship. I love those characters. The whole time I was watching that wedding scene I kept thinking, 1) WHAT NO WHY NO WHAT and 2) Why was Adilyn not there? Jessica and Adilyn have a very tight bond. Minor nitpick, but that literally is what kept preoccupying me during the wedding scene of two beloved characters. And that’s not great, show.

Following the wedding, a flashback with Gran (GRAN!!!), and a consultation with Reverend Daniels (it was weird to me that he had a larger speaking role in the series finale than half of the cast that’s been with this show since the beginning -- LaFayette didn’t even get a LINE), Sookie made the decision to give in to Bill’s request and fairy-ball him in his gravesite. (That sounds like something I should try some Saturday night…) And this scene was truly the only sequence in the finale that held any real suspense for me. That was partially because I thought the drama was gripping, as Stephen Moyer and Anna Paquin -- married in real life -- must have been Going Through It while dealing with some very deep emotions. But beyond that, I didn’t know what was going to happen. I kept waiting for Eric or Jessica to show up to force the cure on Bill. I even started to wonder if they were going to give us a big twist -- that because Bill became Hep V infected with fairy blood, and Sookie was going to use her fairy bomb, that it would not only cure Bill, but make him human again. Between his increase in body temperature and Sookie’s sudden ability to hear his thoughts, I really thought they were going that way. Which would have been bold, but infuriating to a lot of viewers.

But they went an arguably even more controversial route, by having Sookie choose not to use her fairy ball -- keeping her an outsider, by choice -- and instead killing Bill the old-fashioned way, with a stake. (Bill helped her make the final stab.) That was difficult to watch, and kind of upsetting. Sookie actually killed Bill. There’s no way around that. She put a stake through his heart and then ended up covered in his blood and offal. I did not expect that, at all.

Unfortunately, the rest of the episode wrapped up predictably, with a montage that jumped in time one year, then five years (I think). A brief rundown of where the characters ended up, most of it not terribly interesting.

-Eric and Pam decided to manufacture New Blood themselves -- with Sarah’s image on the containers, and pimped in a horrible infomercial that I think included a cameo by original Sookie Stackhouse author Charlain Harris -- and became mega, filthy rich. I mean, richer. They reopened Fangtasia and returned it to its hedonistic glory days, and charged vamp patrons $100,000 for 60 seconds with Sarah herself, who was chained in the basement. And she went fully crazy. So that was kind of a bummer.

-Jason ended up married to Bridget and had babies. No surprises there.

-A grand Thanksgiving dinner showed that all of the current couples -- LaFayette/James, Arlene/Paul, Sam/Nicole, etc. -- were still together. Again, no surprises, and frankly kind of boring.

-And finally, Sookie ended up pregnant by a man we never saw. We only know that he’s brown haired and had a beard. It was an interesting choice to not tell the audience who she ended up with, and I found the end of the scene where she killed Bill weirdly shot -- she walked out of the graveyard, and it seemed to me that she was headed a different direction than home. But regardless, it looks like Sookie got her normal life without giving up her extraordinary talents. And I guess that’s a happy ending? Maybe?

I just want to remind viewers that this show used to routinely feature town-wide orgies with meat pillars, ancient vampires with jars full of the remains of their staked gay lovers, white-trash wolf goddess Miss Deborah Pelt, vampires having their heads twisted 360 during particularly rough sex, death camps, the frequently nude body of Joe Mangianello, crazy inbred were-panther she-rapists, and even Minerva the Ghost Parrot. But we ended with everyone eating a nice Thanksgiving dinner and basically being nice and boring. This was the series finale equivalent of that functionally alcoholic, wild cousin you always admired coming home wearing pleated khakis and with fiancée named Peter. Peter is an insurance adjustor, has male-pattern baldness, likes birdwatching, and just can’t get enough of “Hot in Cleveland” or the sultry sounds of Michael Buble. I understand that we all have to stop being messy sluts at some point, but…not like this, “True Blood.” Not with a tasteful community turkey dinner. I bet they even served cranberry sauce from a can. FROM A CAN!!!

After nearly a year of teasing, we finally got to meet our new Doctor, Peter Capaldi. Of course, first episodes with new Doctors are tricky. The character himself doesn’t really know he really is, so it’s difficult for audiences to get a handle on him as well. I felt that way about Tennant and Eccleston in their first outings, and slightly less so about Smith. The new Doctor -- I’m honestly not sure what number we’re supposed to refer to him as at this point -- was all over the place this episode, pinballing from confused naïf to needy old man to heartless bastard. And honestly, I didn’t mind any of that. But the episode itself had some significant issues, most of them symptomatic of showrunner and episode writer Steven Moffat’s increasingly tiresome indulgences.

The set up: the people of Victorian London were astonished to find a Tyrannosaurus Rex stomping its way up and down the Thames. The police called in reptilian Sherlock Holmes analogue Madame Vastra, who of course brought along sidekicks Jenny and Strax, and gave the Victorian cops sophisticated alien technology that nobody bat an eye at, which served to keep the dinosaur penned in the river. And then it hacked up the TARDIS, which had been stuck in is throat.

That is, more or less, the entire extent of the dinosaur plot. It was brought through to Victorian days after it tried to eat the TARDIS, which was thrashing about through time during the Doctor’s transformation. Yes, the dinosaur played into the larger plotline, but in an extremely tangential way. It was basically just Moffat saying, “Look at how cool and awesome I am! I can have a dinosaur!” Lots of pretty, flashy things that ultimately mean very little. That’s Moffat for you.

The larger plot unfolded slowly -- too slowly, I would argue -- and involved cyborgs stealing human parts to stay alive. If elements of the villains (who I don’t believe were ever named) seem familiar, that is in part intentional, as this episode indirectly ties back to an episode from Series 2…also not-so-coincidentally written by Moffat, and featuring well-regarded monsters of his own design. And it ended with an odd epilogue that introduced what I assume will be a recurring nemesis for the new Doctor, Missy, a stern, vaguely batshit woman that at first blush seems to be made from the same mold as Madame Kovarian (the eyepatch lady who worked with the Silence to kidnap Amy’s baby, who never had a pay off) or Tasha Lem, the Mother Superious of the Papal Mainframe, who also basically went nowhere. I recognize that we saw Missy for literally 2 minutes, but my sense of déjà vu was powerful.

But the episode was ultimately much less about the villain of the week and more about establishing the new Doctor, his relationship with Clara, and his relationship with the viewers (that long exchange outside the TARDIS in Scotland felt like it was delivered less for Clara and more for this show’s legion of fairly new fans, who are used to cute young Doctors). And in those respects, it was a qualified success. I’ll break down what I thought worked, what didn’t, and what has potential.

WHAT WORKED:

-Capaldi is great when the Doctor is playing mindgames or being menacing. No surprise there. The rumor is that this is going to be a much darker Doctor, but the tone of this episode was all over the place. It worked best in the moments when the Doctor was showing us his dark side. There were moments where he felt a bit like Fourth Doctor to me -- dismissive of humans, yet still protective of them. I would like to see more of that and less of the puppy-dog stuff we got toward the end of the episode. But I like the moral ambiguity of the character and hope we get more of that.

-Vastra, Jenny, and Strax are always welcome, and they held this episode together from my standpoint -- especially Vastra, one of the few female characters Moffat writes well. (Possibly because there’s no male-female sexual dynamic there, as she is a lesbian and also a reptile? Discuss.) I will say, however, that Strax’s humor is starting to fall a little flat for me. There are only so many times the “all Earth creatures look the same to me” thing will be funny. But I did enjoy him beaning Clara with that newspaper. I also wonder if Moffat used the trio as a kind of crutch here, because if it was just Clara and the new Doctor, I don’t think this episode would have worked at all in terms of audience buy-in. Which brings me to…

WHAT HAS POTENTIAL:

-Clara. Going into this episode I hated Clara. Well, not hated. I was frustrated by her because she’s such a dud of a companion. Jenna Coleman is lovely, and the acting has been passable at least. But there’s no character there. Once the mystery surrounding Clara was resolved at the end of S7, we were left with, basically, a very cute girl who was often chipper but then sometimes cries. Seriously, if you had to describe Clara’s personality, how would you do it? There’s just no “there” there. Thankfully she got some meat put on to her character bones this episode, even if it seems a bit revisionist. Clara is now apparently an egomaniac and a control freak. I don’t recall that being the case prior to this, but hey, I’ll take anything I can latch on to.

I was also glad to see her show some gumption this episode. This was the most interested I’ve been in Clara since she was Oswin in “Asylum of the Daleks.” That said, after nearly a dozen episodes with her, she’s right down there with Martha as the least interesting of the modern companions. So I’m not all that upset to hear that Coleman’s leaving at the end of the season. Because even as the Doctor was asking for her help, I found myself extremely dubious that this mature, complicated man would really want to have this -- forgive me -- basic girl zipping around time and space with him. The pairing just doesn’t make sense to me. But she did grow on me this episode.

-The new TARDIS and the new intro look pretty enough (apparently the new intro was based off of a fan-made one?), although feel a little soulless. But we spent barely any time in the TARDIS this episode, so I’ll have to see more before I decide. I do dig the Doctor’s new duds, and am fascinated by the fact that he’s not overly attached to his sonic screwdriver. I can only recall him using it once or twice this episode. Clara used it more than he did. And it’s notable that he’s never using it in any of the promo materials.

WHAT DIDN’T WORK:

-The broad humor fell flat almost every time, especially when Capaldi was supposed to be handling it. I’m sure he’s a funny guy, and god knows he can let out a stream of insults that will curdle your innards. But he’s just not the right actor for the sillier moments called for this episode. What would have worked with Tennant or Smith seemed painfully awkward here, and I hope that Moffat and the writers recognize that and stop trying to force it. Different actor, different Doctor.Time for a different approach.

-Speaking of time for a different approach…how much longer with Mr. Moffat be running this show? Listen, he’s had a good run. He has contributed many great elements to the “Who” canon and he’s written some crackling episodes with iconic moments. But his flaws as a writer (and we all have them) have become more and more evident, and he doesn’t seem to be interested in hiding them, or in progressing creatively. This episode’s plot was classic Moffat: overly complicated, silly on the face of it (a hot-air balloon…made of human flesh), a specific tension-building gimmick (“Don’t blink!” “Deep breath!”), and everything was fixed tidy-widy with a deeply felt speech and one action. There’s a word, “contrivance.” It can be both a compliment or an insult. With Mr. Moffat, I used to apply it positively. I haven’t done so in a very long time.

As I said in the beginning, first episodes for new Doctors are always a bit of a mess. The audience doesn’t yet know its lead character. The lead character doesn’t himself. The companion is terribly confused, and sometimes even feels betrayed (Clara had good reason to at various points this episode). I left the episode without a firm grasp on Capaldi’s Doctor, but eager to know more about him. What did you think?

In this episode, Bill Compton cemented his place as the biggest idiot on this show. And that’s really saying something, given the terrible decision making all around, especially from the Stackhouse clan. But Vampire Bill is really the absolute dumbest.

Before we get into that, I realized about halfway through this episode that something wonderful has happened this season: I actually care about these characters again. I truly had had just about enough of all of them at the beginning of this season, with the exception of Jessica, who is never not great. But the emotional scene between Lettie Mae and Tara, the quiet conversation between Bill and Sookie, and the legitimate peril for Jason, Jessica, and Adilyn (I remain ambivalent about Wade) made me realize that I actually am invested in what happens to these characters.

And that really is where Season 7 is a success to me -- so far, at least. The mega plotline about the Hep V vamps and now the Yakuza and the Sarah Newlin cure -- it’s fine. Not exactly riveting, except for seeing how the main cast members infected by the disease will get out of their impending doom. But there has been some strong character work this season that reminded me why I liked this show to begin with. (Well, the characters and the campiness, and also all of the sex and nudity. Which has been in short supply lately, so please fix that, show.)

All that said, these people are still incredibly stupid.

First, we wrapped up the Lettie Mae/Lafayette/Tara/Reverend plot by having Lettie and Lala trip on James’s vampire blood while at Tara and Lettie’s old house. And this time, the Reverend joined them and realized that maybe his wife isn’t totally nuts. (Kidding; she is absolutely cuckoo.) They all had a shared vision of Tara, who kind of brought them back in time to her 5th birthday party, which was interrupted by Tara’s drunk, rageaholic asshole dad. The V trippers watched as Tara’s father assaulted Lettie Mae in the past, and child Tara took the man’s gun and aimed at him -- but did not pull the trigger. She then buried the gun in the backyard, which is what V apparition Tara was trying to show them in the present. This was a very roundabout way for Ghost Tara to essentially give Lettie Mae a Care Bear Stare: Lettiehas to forgive herself for letting Tara down, because Tara let HER down by not killing that bastard when she had the chance. (That is some deeply messed-up logic, by the way. “It’s OK that you became an abusive drunk, because I should have shot Dad years earlier.” GRIM.) But Ghost Tara gave Lettie the gift of closure, and that was really lovely. And I’m glad Tara got a proper send-off on this show, considering how integral she was to the earlier seasons. But that seemed like an awfully convoluted way to get to that resolution when your nephew is a guy who can channel spirits. (Also, the best part of this to me was the family currently living in the home, horrified as these vampire-blood junkies just dug up their yard and stomped through their house. Can you imagine?)

The Teen Sex Idiots in Peril plotline was resolved after Violet sent pictures of Adilyn, Wade, and Jessica in bondage (not, like, sexy bondage; actual bondage) to Jason, prompting him to head to Violet’s mansion. Coming along for the ride was Hoyt’s random blonde girlfriend, Bridget, who had a big blow-up with Hoyt over children, which amounted to basically nothing. Violet quickly dispatched Jason and was about to begin some truly twisted Spanish Inquisition-style torture before Hoyt barged in and shot her dead. From where did Hoyt come? Did he tail Jason the whole way? Violet is hundreds of years old and was taken unaware by a dude with a gun? One shot was all it took? Weak sauce, show. There was some nice symmetry in that Hoyt killed the woman who killed his mother, even if he’s completely unaware of that fact. But, like so many of this show’s Big Bads, it was quite anticlimactic. Also, thanks for waiting until her last two episodes to make me like Violet. A raving madwoman with massive insecurities and a sweet sex dungeon is a character I should not have to force myself to like. She could have been the second coming of my beloved elegant wereblossom, Debbie Pelt.

The out-of-left-field rescue threw Hoyt and Jessica together for several heart-tugging exchanges. It all reminded of me of how much I liked that character in the beginning, and how adorable he and Jessica were together. (And also, I forgot what a hot piece Hoyt is. Especially now that he’s got a bit of Alaskan oil-man swagger. Am I right, ladies?) I can’t see how any of that is going to end well, but I so loved seeing them together again.

But then, I also didn’t hate Sookie and Bill together this episode. I only hated them separately. After Eric was healed by doing a shot of Sarah Newlin, he randomly flew to Sookie to tell her he was OK. (Again, this seemed very weird to me -- especially since she was at Bill’s house at the time.) Dumbass Sookie then drove to Fangtasia to get the secret of the cure from Eric and had to deal with the Yakuza, who were…unpleasant. (Except for the beefy tattoed ones; they were fine.) There was a whole fake-glamouring scene that tipped off the head of the Japanese contingent that something was up, but I didn’t understand why Sookie didn’t use any of her mind-reading abilities or other tricks during this sequence. Ultimately she found out about Sarah -- who is really, truly crackers, referring to herself as a new messiah -- went back and got Bill, and they all waited around for him to be cured. And then Bill said no. He didn’t want to drink.

So, there you go. Vampire Bill had a cure right in front of him and he willingly passed it up. Going into that scene I figured one of three things would happen. He would either get JUST to the point of drinking Sarah and die in a bloody pile of veins and irony, he would go nuts and kill Sarah instead, or he would decide not to do it. The last one makes sense given Bill’s irritating self-loathing and his acceptance that he brings only darkness into Sookie’s world. (This was subtly -- excuse me, “subtly” -- driven home by Bill’s dream in which he and Sookie had a shadow baby. So, confirmed crossover: Sookie is Melisandre from “Game of Thrones” and the shadow baby that killed Gay Renly was her kid with Bill. You’re clever, HBO!)

And nobody thought of Willa whatsoever.

This fairly low-key episode was notable primarily for the next few stops on the Long-Gone Character Cameo Train. This time around we got more Hoyt, psychic torment courtesy of Steve Newlin (and a cameo by the decapitated former governor of Louisiana), fairy granddad Niall, and best of all, the long-forgotten Dr. Ludwig, who I don’t think we’ve seen since Season 2. Between then and now Dr. Ludwig has divested even more of her shits, and now she has absolutely none to give you. Onward!

The major tension from the episode came from three arcs: Eric and Pam tracking Sarah Newlin, Vampire Bill staving off death, and Violet toying with kidnapped sex idiots Adilyn and Wade. We’ll cover the last one first, since it’s the least important. Violet did not kill the teen lovebirds right away, instead taking them to a palatial mansion that she apparently owns -- the creepy portrait on the wall suggested as much. This house, which I’m guessing is not in Bon Temps, was dripped in finery and came complete with a well-stocked sex dungeon. (Sidebar: If Violet had this kickass pad somewhere nearby, why was she willingly living in Jason Stackhouse’s den of iniquity? If you are regularly screwing Jason Stackhouse and you have access to a tricked-out bone palace, you take Jason Stackhouse to the sex dungeon! This is common sense! As a viewer, I feel robbed of the opportunity to see Jason investigating that toy chest. Violet is truly the worst.) Anyway, at first Violet was a consummate host. After Adilyn and Wade realized that neither one of them was interested in Violet’s kinky wares, they had what was almost certainly terrible, awkward step-sibling intercourse. And then Violet woke up, entered in truly unfortunate negligee, and threw Wade around like a ragdoll before turning her attention and fangs on Adilyn. And that’s why you don’t follow some crazy-ass vampiress to a second location, kids.

Andy and Holly spent the episode aimlessly searching for the missing teens, randomly ending up at Holly’s ex’s lake house. There Andy had a good cry and Holly was really pretty awesome. She assured Andy that their story would have a good ending. I’m not sure about all that.

The highlight of the episode was, weirdly, Arlene. I felt like this episode was a lovely thank-you to Carrie Preston, who has been with the show since the beginning and sometimes stuck in some thankless storylines. As much as I loved cholita-glamour Arlene, I am digging more maturely dressed Arlene. More than that, she had a great scene with Sam in which she more or less told him he’d be wrong to ditch Bon Temps at Nicole’s request. And then she had a few scenes with her vampire paramour, Keith (I think), who would be a lot more attractive if he didn’t dress like the lamest member of a biker gang based out of Peoria, Illinois. Seriously, that wallet chain. You are 500-something years old. KNOW BETTER. The first scene was a V-induced dream, in which Arlene fantasized about hitting it with a vampire and also did not-right things on the bar’s pool table. The second scene was actually quite sweet, and very well acted by Preston. Someone needs to hire her after this show is over.

We got one brief scene with LaFayette and Lettie Mae digging holes in the backyard of Lettie Mae’s old house, so that storyline is still a thing.

Jason spent the episode shirtless, teasing Sarah Newlin with death via her mental breakdown (also sometimes shirtless), and quietly dying inside while trying to comfort Hoyt over his mother’s death. That was partially because his former best friend doesn’t remember Jason at all due to Jessica’s glamour, and partly because Jason couldn’t stop lusting over Hoyt’s very attractive new girlfriend. That is going to end in tragedy, and I’m actually kind of disappointed by that since Hoyt was the one character who had a really nice endpoint to his story. He got out, but they had to drag him back in.

Vampire Bill continued to have his very boring flashbacks to meeting his original wife. I hope those are building up to some big revelation, because otherwise the only worthwhile element is Bill’s luscious Civil War-era man wig. His rapid Hep V infection was more or less blamed on consuming Sookie’s fey blood, which does make for a kind of irony given the number of times Bill screwed her over. Sookie called irritable dwarf physician Dr. Ludwig, and she just walkeda round verbally slapping everyone. It was great. Eventually she ditched that situation when she discovered that Niall was Sook’s grandfather, stating she wanted no part of any of it.

Speaking of, professional Colonel Sanders impersonator Niall did appear, and I am pleased to report that RutgerHauer is now only marginally more bedraggled than he was the last time we saw him. Which, if memory serves, had him stuck in the hell dimension in which he trapped Warlo. So I have no idea how he got out of that. Sookie called Niall to help Bill, and after tricking her into making pasta (shifty fairy!), he said he’d try, even though he dislikes Bill. That was a lie too, and Niall essentially told Sookie that Bill done shit the bed. Sookie was not exactly grateful for the diagnosis. I’m hoping that’s the last we hear about Sookie’s fairy nature before the end of the series, because this show is incapable of executing anything fairy-related in a way that isn’t corny and lame.

Finally, Eric and Pam and the Yakuza interrogated Sarah’s vamp sister, until diseased Eric freaked out and staked her, snuffing out their only lead seconds after they discovered that Sarah actually has a cure to Hep V. Pam wants Eric to take it. Eric seems ambivalent about the prospect. The Japanese contingent wants to synthesize Sarah’s blood, sell it as New Blood, and use Eric Northman as their spokesvamp. Great idea;thos ads should feature as little clothing as possible. Just a tip.

Sarah ended up at the old Fellowship of the Sun compound from Season 2,where her descent into madness continued. Now, you would think that any of the people tracking this woman -- including the Japanese government, which presumably has significant technical and financial resources -- would take a moment and make a list of all the likely places Sarah might end up. Because I would put the Fellowship compound fairly high on there. And yet, there were no henchmen already waiting there, because these people are idiots who have let her escape two times already. The episode ended with Pam, Eric, and the Japanese arriving at the campus, which was not the most exciting cliffhanger.

Oh, actually, that’s not true -- the episode ended with Sookie and a Hep V-vein-covered Bill having unglamorous sex on the floor. Which was also not the most exciting cliffhanger. So there you go.

Anyone who has ever had issues with lawyers needs to watch that magnificent segment with Vampire Bill and the attorney. And then they need to slow clap, clap, clap at its last 2 minutes, rewind, and watch it again. Seriously, that was a thing of beauty, and probably especially gratifying for anyone who has been on the wrong end of a lawsuit.

As has become the trend this season, this episode featured a lot of slow, quiet character scenes that orbited around one riveting sequence -- in this case, Bill’s ill-fated attempt to change his will. Overall I thought it was another solid episode for the show, and I found the Bill/Sookie storyline to be poignant in a way that I was not expecting.

Let’s start the dissection with that plotline. As we discovered last episode, Bill has contracted Hep V. He fairly calmly called a lawyer who apparently specializes in vampire end-of-life issues (which is weird, given what we found out about the legality of vampire wills this episode). In the waiting room, which recalled that scene from “Beetlejuice” to me, Bill discovered that his disease was progressing very rapidly -- he experienced the first signs the night before, but as he sat there the telltale veins sprouted up all across his extremities. Could this have something to do with Bill formerly being Billith? Could it have to do with his exposure to Sookie, who frankly is sometimes enough to make anyone sick? Could it simply be a plot device since we have only four episodes left? We will find out!

Jessica overheard Bill’s Hep V admission, and quietly imploded, because she is still a teenager, and she just found out that her father is dying. She made the ethically dubious decision of disclosing Bill’s diagnosis to Jason and Sookie -- next episode, Jessica will tape a PSA about the importance of HIPPA guidelines -- which sparked a pretty brutal realization on Sookie’s part: she is infected with Hep V, and she infected Bill. Remember the scene a few episodes back, before Alcide died (let’s all take a moment to reflect on his bare backside), when Sookie had cut her arms open to draw out the Hep V vamps and then was bathed in their blood when they got shot up by Those Idiot Townspeople? At the time I remember thinking, “Sookie, you need to get yourself to the free clinic stat, because you have ALL the diseases now.” And she has at least one: Hep V. There is something very interesting about a show that has been so steeped in casual sex for its entire run -- I mean, vampire fiction is by and large a stand-in for overt sexuality -- concluding with its three main characters all suffering from what is a very thinly veiled take on a sexually transmitted disease. Were I a member of the Slut-American community (*ahem*), I might feel as though my lifestyle was being judged here.

Jessica’s cry for help also set another plotline into motion. Violet, who overheard Jason and Jessica getting it on last episode, attempted to win Jason back by playing the subservient, nubile girlfriend. We’ve all been there, sister. I can’t blame a girl for using every weapon in her arsenal to keep her grip on Jason Stackhouse, even something as clichéd as rose petals scattered all over the place (that said, there is something unwholesome about rose petals on a Bud Light throw pillow). But Jason Stackhouse allowed his psychotic vampire girlfriend to go down on him basically just after he had slept with another woman. Vampires have heightened senses. They can hear and…taste things. I’m no expert on relationships, but it seems like a VERY BAD IDEA to let a 500-year-old crazy woman with fangs put her mouth anywhere near your junk after you have just intimately introduced it to another lady. I’m just saying.

Anyway, Jessica’s call to Jason prompted Violet to burst out in a rage, and then leave a note for Jason saying they were done. Jason read it and was all, “PIZZA FOR EVERYBODY!” Except it couldn’t possibly be that easy, because Violet is the swap meet, undead version of “Fatal Attraction.” And she has decided to take her vengeance on Jason and Jessica out on Adilyn and Wade -- Holly’s son -- who are totally doing it now, leading to a very nasty fight between Andy and Holly. Arlene fixed things, which, let’s be real: if you are taking marital advice from Arlene Fowler LenierBellefleur, look at your choices. Look at your life. Your months-old teenage fairy daughter humping on the son of your future witch wife is kind of the least of your worries, Andy. The episode ended with Violet tracking down the teen runaways and basically leading them to their deaths, because they are stupid and horny and all three are totally extraneous at this point. At first I questioned why Violet would choose this particular path for vengeance, but Adilyn is important to Jessica and, to a degree, Jason, since she is the daughter of his friend and coworker. I have to show respect to quality vindictiveness when I see it.

Elsewhere, LaFayette and Lettie Mae returned to Lala’s house to find Vampire James waiting for them. After a great eyeroll from Lettie Mae, who knows some lustin’ when she sees it, Lettie Mae quickly convinced James to give her some of his blood so that she could communicate with Tara. James encouraged LaFayette to join in, given the shared psychedelic experiences V can create. Thank you for being a walking plot device, James. But next time have the decency to do so without your shirt. While tripping, LaFayette and Lettie did interact with Tara, who led them on a merry chase to the cross with a snake we saw before, then a weird glimmering portal, and finally the rundown house where she lived with Lettie Mae. There Tara dug up the backyard in her discounted David’s Bridal gown. Before they could find out what she was looking for, Reverend Daniels woke them up just so he could dump Lettie Mae. Way to harsh a buzz, man. But LaFayette now believes that Tara really is trying to communicate with Lettie, and Adina Porter was amazing in those scenes, so it’s all for a good cause. (Bonus: absolutely nobody even mentioned Willa.)

Over on the Sam Merlotte Living Purgatory Hour, Sam continued his miserable existence by being told by his very pregnant girlfriend that she was leaving Bon Temps, and that he’d better come, too. Sam is, you may remember, the MAYOR OF THE TOWN, so there’s a flaw in that plan. Also, he considers Bon Temps his home, and he doesn’t want to leave. Nicole and her unwavering bitchface made it clear that she’s done, period. I might care about this storyline if Nicole had ever made one positive contribution to this program, and if it had anything to do with what else is going on, or if Sam had any nuts left at this point. But his life is truly a steady turd rain, and how do you root for a guy in that situation? Charlie Brown might have kept missing that football, but Sam is basically just kicking at open air, falling down, and getting shot and/or stabbed and emasculated at the same time.

That brings us to the Bill/Pam/Sarah Newlin plot, which finally explained why the Yakuza has been hunting Sarah for episodes. As predicted, the head of the Japanese company that manufactured True Blood wants her dead, on account of her orchestrating the tainting of his company’s No. 1 product, and the related total economic collapse of his company. The ninja gangsters captured Pam and Eric with remarkable ease (bearing in mind that Eric is severely weakened due to the Hep V), and yet somehow let Sarah escape AGAIN despite her being within yards of their goons for the second time in three episodes. After a time-wasting negotiation that basically just served to establish why these people want Sarah dead, Eric and Pam joined forces with their captors.

Sarah, however, had a surprise left for everyone. After breaking into her vampire sister’s home, Sarah explained that she really is a whole new person (vampire sister’s succinct dismissal of Sarah’s “New Me” act was great), and that all of this happened for a reason. Because, you see, she can save her sister. Because Sarah has the cure for Hep V. There was an antidote, and she chugged it before leaving Vampire Death Camp. So she’s now a walking sack of Hep V cure. I’m going to award 10 points to whoever posted on Facebook that that would be the twist, and also predict that in the next two episodes Sarah Newlin will become the world’s largest Capri Sun, as Bill, Eric, and whatever other sick vampires with names drain her dry. Bonus: they won’t even get that burning peroxide aftertaste now that she’s a brunette.