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The science of sleep 

When you're a new parent, don't count on any

The cure for sleep deprivation

New parents employ a variety of methods to convince their infants to sleep through the night. Look no further, for I have the answer:

You are never going to sleep again so stop trying!

Say you're on month 5 and you've had a total of 15 hours of sleep. You are a directionless shell of your former self. You have spit-up on your shoulder, mismatched shoes, and forgot to sport an item of underclothing. You dread going to bed because you know that at 2 a.m., your household will resemble a metropolis at noon.

You wake to the shrieks of your darling progeny. You are so strung-out that the most spectacular argument of your adult lives ensues. It sounds something like this:

You: "syourturn"

Partner: "Nosyourturn"

Y: "Nonoisdefnitlyyrtrn"

P: "NO!I have to get up...

Y: "NOIHavetogetupat..

P: "SlrprlPOPlgambleGUCK!"

Y: "SHERACKNACANDLEWHOSELHAT!"

There is screaming in the background and I'm certain the dog has started barking. The exchange crescendos into junior's first lesson in cursing. Don't worry; the translation is relatively harmless: "I am so tired, death would be a gift."

Finally, someone gives in and gets baby. Everyone blacks out and no one remembers anything the next day. (There is, however, an unmistakable bitterness lingering in the air.)

Your duty is to keep the child alive and raise it to be a well-adjusted, contributing member of society. Your goal is to make sure he is financially independent and out of your house by the time he turns 18 so that maybe you can get some sleep, for pity's sake!

So, new parents, repeat after me: "I am never sleeping again." Repeat it to yourself until the rhythm lulls you to sleep. Enjoy those five minutes then jump up with your game face on and get parenting... and don't forget your underpants.

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